After Party Etiquette?

Re: After Party Etiquette?

• crackktheskyy member

  

  October 2014

  An after party is definitely not an expectation or a requirement. I think your BM is mistaken (and also, this apparently should not come as a surprise considering that she had a problem with inviting your SO to the rehearsal dinner!)

  
  

  I might have missed something but I honestly don't see what the big deal is. If there's no after party there is no after party. This shouldn't involve mediation to your bridesmaids.

  
  

  If your parents want to host your FI's parents for dinner or over to their home or whatever after the wedding, I don't see why that's a problem, either.

  

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• AddieCake member

  

  October 2014

  If you don't want to attend an after party, don't.

  What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14

  

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• larrygaga member

  

  October 2014 edited October 2014

  JBee85 said:

  Ok, I never threw one and I am very unclear about the etiquette behind this. Just bare with me here.

  
  

  I had lunch with one of my Bridesmaids recently and she inquired information about an After Party. I was taken aback by this as I had no plans to throw one. I told her that once the reception party was over, everything was done and everyone had to leave. I simply said that I intended spend my evening with my husband once the party was done with. To my surprise, She was very confused about this as I was put off that she didn't understand the rationale behind my reasoning of wanting to spend the rest of my night alone with my new husband. She had a LONG after party right after her wedding past midnight (I went home because I was tired and could not afford the hotel room she expected me to pay for after I spent $700 to be her bridesmaid); she likes to party and I am the quiet, introverted person. It also didn't help that my fiance, who was tagging along, chimed in about wanting to go to an After Party and mentioned about my father having plans to throw one. This totally threw me right under the bus. 

  
  

  I remember my dad telling me on multiple occasions that he was throwing one, but didn't tell me or my fiance who he was planning to invite. So I told the bridesmaid that I will check details.

  
  

  After getting in contact with my parents, they were totally offended about me asking if my bridesmaid was invited. My dad said that the party was for the parents of the bride and groom only and that they did not want to invite my friends or bridal party to their house. He also said that my fiance and I were not invited and that we should be in our own hotel room "banging each other" on our wedding night (the wedding ends at 6 pm). HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAAHHAHAHA My mom informed my dad that this "rule" with after parties has changed and that bride and groom can participate in it and she doesn't have a problem with her showing up.
  

  
  

  I am extremely confused by this question and the etiquette behind it since I did not plan to throw one. I know that as an introverted person and having to deal with 80 people in one day, I am going to need some downtime and want to have the rest of the evening off with my husband once the wedding was over. I need to figure out a way to inform my bridesmaids about my parents not inviting the bridal party to their home and how to mediate it. As it stands, they do NOT have a hotel room (I offered that option to them, but they live an hour away and prefer to drive) and I do not want to bring people into my bridal suite. I am planning to speak to my fiance about the conversation earlier and how we need to be on the same page with wedding plans before we give people information (I was totally not prepared about being asked for an after party and like my dad, I did not know that this was an expectation of a wedding!).

  
  

  If it helps, this bridesmaid is the same person who was a bride at the last wedding I went to and had issues with me bringing my SO to her rehearsal dinner.

  You don't have to have an after party. If she wants one she can throw it. 

  
  

  Not sure if the after party for your parents have been mentioned to her, but if so just let her know that you were misinformed and it's a party for just the parents. Then tell her you don't plan on having an after party, but here are some bars you guys can all go to. If she doesn't know, don't mention it. She's unlikely to hear about it unless it's from you.

  
  

  You are not obligated to make sure she is able to get party on. Your wedding is a wedding, and if you want to go home after and bang your husband than you totally should and don't feel a lick of guilt about it. 

  
  

  
  

  
  

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• JBee85 member

  

  October 2014

  The main issue I am having is that my fiance wants to have an after party, but I do not... on top of being pressured to throw one.

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• lyndausvi mod

  

  October 2014

  My family is big on after-parties (we have a lot of day weddings).  Most of the time one of both of the parents host people back at their house or suite.   Most of the ones I've seen are close family and friends.  For example after all my cousins' weddings we would go back to an aunt's house.  There would be booze and food.   It was mostly all my aunts, uncles and cousins and a few friends.  The couple and sometimes a few friends would stop by.  

  
  

   My ' ended up being over a 150 people back at my parent's house.  Sister's wedding was at 10:30am.  Reception from 12-5.   Then my dad invited all 267 people back to the house (catered food and a bartender).   Most people stayed until 9-10.   Some people didn't leave till the next day.  My sister and BIL did show up.  They had a flight early the next day.  They regret booking a flight that year because they wanted to stay longer.  Ha.

  
  

  We didn't have one.  Our wedding ended at mid-night. I was tired.

  
  

  Basically there are no rules when it comes to after-parties.

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  

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• jacques27 member

  

  October 2014 edited October 2014

  
  

  JBee85 said:

  The main issue I am having is that my fiance wants to have an after party, but I do not... on top of being pressured to throw one.

  Well, then that's a communication issue with you and your fiance, not an "after party issue" or a "bridesmaid issue". 
  
  She likes after parties.  Yay for her.  So, if she's not ready to hang up her party hat at 6pm, she can organize a group of like-minded people to go party at a bar after your wedding is done.  It needs no involvement or commitment from  you for her to do that.  You are an adult (presumably, since you're getting married) who is free to say "Thanks, but we're gonna sit this one out."  You aren't obligated to throw one.
  
  As for your father's plans, it sounds like this is intended to be a low-key get together for the parents (and maybe other immediate family), not the riotous good time your friend is after, so it shouldn't be a problem.  A simple "Oh, we thought it was an 'after party' like you had, but really it's just my parents and XXXXXXXX's parents just having a quiet drink at their house after the wedding and isn't really a 'party'.  Maybe you guys can find a good bar nearby if you want to keep partying the night away?" to your friend is all that needs to be said
  
  As for your FI, you two just need to talk and figure out what you both want and how to compromise, as necessary.  Maybe it's joining a group at a bar for a round or two and then ducking out early? 
  
  

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• ohannabelle member

  

  October 2014 edited October 2014

  jacques27 said:

  
  

  JBee85 said:

  The main issue I am having is that my fiance wants to have an after party, but I do not... on top of being pressured to throw one.

  Well, then that's a communication issue with you and your fiance, not an "after party issue" or a "bridesmaid issue". 
  
  She likes after parties.  Yay for her.  So, if she's not ready to hang up her party hat at 6pm, she can organize a group of like-minded people to go party at a bar after your wedding is done.  It needs no involvement or commitment from  you for her to do that.  You are an adult (presumably, since you're getting married) who is free to say "Thanks, but we're gonna sit this one out."  You aren't obligated to throw one.
  
  As for your father's plans, it sounds like this is intended to be a low-key get together for the parents (and maybe other immediate family), not the riotous good time your friend is after, so it shouldn't be a problem.  A simple "Oh, we thought it was an 'after party' like you had, but really it's just my parents and XXXXXXXX's parents just having a quiet drink at their house after the wedding and isn't really a 'party'.  Maybe you guys can find a good bar nearby if you want to keep partying the night away?" to your friend is all that needs to be said
  
  As for your FI, you two just need to talk and figure out what you both want and how to compromise, as necessary.  Maybe it's joining a group at a bar for a round or two and then ducking out early? 
  
  

  And it's jaques27 for the win! This reply, x100.

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• SachaBee member

  

  October 2014

  jacques27 said:

  
  

  JBee85 said:

  The main issue I am having is that my fiance wants to have an after party, but I do not... on top of being pressured to throw one.

  Well, then that's a communication issue with you and your fiance, not an "after party issue" or a "bridesmaid issue". 
  
  She likes after parties.  Yay for her.  So, if she's not ready to hang up her party hat at 6pm, she can organize a group of like-minded people to go party at a bar after your wedding is done.  It needs no involvement or commitment from  you for her to do that.  You are an adult (presumably, since you're getting married) who is free to say "Thanks, but we're gonna sit this one out."  You aren't obligated to throw one.
  
  As for your father's plans, it sounds like this is intended to be a low-key get together for the parents (and maybe other immediate family), not the riotous good time your friend is after, so it shouldn't be a problem.  A simple "Oh, we thought it was an 'after party' like you had, but really it's just my parents and XXXXXXXX's parents just having a quiet drink at their house after the wedding and isn't really a 'party'.  Maybe you guys can find a good bar nearby if you want to keep partying the night away?" to your friend is all that needs to be said
  
  As for your FI, you two just need to talk and figure out what you both want and how to compromise, as necessary.  Maybe it's joining a group at a bar for a round or two and then ducking out early? 
  
  

  This (the bolded) is the perfect response. Comes off less 'whoops, you are not invited' and more 'this is boring and you don't want to go anyway'. Perfect. 

  
  

  You are definitely not obligated to throw an after-party. My mom wants to do an after-party for my sister's wedding, but neither my sister and fi nor my parents will likely be there. I've been informed it's mine and my fi's problem to handle 'hosting' for it (not paying, but making sure everyone gets there and home in one piece and that the tab gets handled correctly) since my parents go to bed early and my sister and fi have ... other plans. This is the arrangement that works for us, but it sounds like it won't work for you. (Just putting out there that an 'after-party' after the B&G leave is totally fine too.)

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• climbingsingle member

  

  October 2014

  jacques27 said:

  
  

  JBee85 said:

  The main issue I am having is that my fiance wants to have an after party, but I do not... on top of being pressured to throw one.

  Well, then that's a communication issue with you and your fiance, not an "after party issue" or a "bridesmaid issue". 
  
  She likes after parties.  Yay for her.  So, if she's not ready to hang up her party hat at 6pm, she can organize a group of like-minded people to go party at a bar after your wedding is done.  It needs no involvement or commitment from  you for her to do that.  You are an adult (presumably, since you're getting married) who is free to say "Thanks, but we're gonna sit this one out."  You aren't obligated to throw one.
  
  As for your father's plans, it sounds like this is intended to be a low-key get together for the parents (and maybe other immediate family), not the riotous good time your friend is after, so it shouldn't be a problem.  A simple "Oh, we thought it was an 'after party' like you had, but really it's just my parents and XXXXXXXX's parents just having a quiet drink at their house after the wedding and isn't really a 'party'.  Maybe you guys can find a good bar nearby if you want to keep partying the night away?" to your friend is all that needs to be said
  
  As for your FI, you two just need to talk and figure out what you both want and how to compromise, as necessary.  Maybe it's joining a group at a bar for a round or two and then ducking out early? 
  
  

  This is great advice. 

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• short+sassy member

  

  October 2014

  Concur with other PPs.  An "after party" is not at all mandatory.  Your BM is wrong.  In fact, the wedding "after parties" have been to are "hey, the reception is over, let's go out bar hopping"...and the bride and groom rarely come.

  With that said, if your FI wants an after party, consider a compromise.  Like, going out to join people at the bar for a couple hours.  And NONE of that needs to be hosted if it's worded, "We'll be at the hotel bar for a couple hours after the reception for anyone that wants to hang out there."

  

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• Cookie Pusher member

  

  October 2014

  DH and I went out for food truck grub and bar hopping after our wedding, and let people know they were welcome to join us if they wanted - and many people were excited to do so. We paid for the food and one of the GMs bought all the drinks at one of the bars, but we knew we were under no obligation to host any kind of after-party. Most after-parties I've been to didn't even involve the B&G.

  ~*~*~*~*~

  
  

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• MandyMost member

  

  October 2014

  Most of the after parties I've been to have all been someone spreading word of mouth during the reception, or at the end of the reception, that "Hey, everyone's going to this bar, hope to see you there". The bride and groom have always shown up...either immediately still in the wedding dress, or a little while later after changing. Depending on the couple they stay all night or leave after a half an hour.

  
  

  Since you're having a day wedding, and your fiance wants an after party, I think you should either pick a place or designate someone (maybe this BM!) to pick a place, and spread the word. Then you can just stop by for a few minutes. 

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• redoryx member

  

  October 2014

  MandyMost said:

  Most of the after parties I've been to have all been someone spreading word of mouth during the reception, or at the end of the reception, that "Hey, everyone's going to this bar, hope to see you there". The bride and groom have always shown up...either immediately still in the wedding dress, or a little while later after changing. Depending on the couple they stay all night or leave after a half an hour.

  Yup, this is how it's been in my experience, too. Most of the after parties I've been to have been in the lobby or bar of the hotel most people are staying at and aren't really big crazy parties, but just people chilling and chatting. Most have changed into something more casual, the bride and groom usually stop by for maybe half an hour. Sometimes for family weddings, the extended family will just do them in a hotel room or two and order pizza and have sodas available. At these we don't even see the B&G, it's just an opportunity for the fam to hang out.

  But they are not obligated or required and, yes, often you found out by word of mouth.

  

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