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How to tactifully prevent someone from singing at my wedding

djandcjdjandcj member
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in Wedding Etiquette Forum
My fiance has a niece who really wants to sing at the wedding. The problem is she doesn't sing well... at all. Still because I know its important to her and she is important to my fiance (he helped raise her because her parents had issues), I wanted to let her sing a song as the guest were arriving, like one song. When I asked her what she had in mind, she had a whole set planned, and most of them are songs that she could not pull off well, like a lot of radio songs with auto tune. So how do I politely pick a song for her and tell her no more than one? The thing is, the poor dear doesn't know she can't sing, her family has built her up to believe she could be a famous singer one day. Just to clarify, I'm not being mean to a child, she's 18 years old, but very much the princess of the family. Any good advice?
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Re: How to tactifully prevent someone from singing at my wedding

  • djandcjdjandcj member
    5 Love Its First Comment First Anniversary
    edited October 2014
    @ohannabelle. I don't know what I was thinking (call it a moment of being love crazed) but I did already say yes. I guess I was trying to endear his family to me. Anyway, I think you are right. Thanks. One song, no more.
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  • artbyallieartbyallie mod
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    I would be blunt. It's not a concert. Nobody wants to sit and listen to anyone sing multiple songs at a wedding. I would also be mean and ask for a recording so you and your fiancé can listen to it. Hopefully she will as well and be horrified and never sing again, lol. Even good singers nearly always hate the way they sound recorded.
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  • msuprincess04msuprincess04 member
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    Pick a song you think is in her range, maybe out of the ones she's planned, and ask her to cut it down to two minutes. My neice sang a shortened version of a song at our reception before the BM and MOH gave their speeches. It was lovely. I told everyone the same thing. You get 2 minutes. That's it. Because people will want to eat!

    "There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness." -Friedrich Nietzsche, "On Reading and Writing"
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  • JaxInBlueJaxInBlue member
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    JellyBean52513 said:
    Just tell your niece, "After some further planning and thinking logistics, we're really only going to be able to have you sing one song. I know you had a little bit more planned, but all we're going to have you sing is just one song. I really love these 2-3 right here, do you think you could pick out one of these that you'd like to sing?" Then, make sure you pick out a few songs that you know she'll be able to pull off ok. I know this explanation is bordering on white lie, but based on what you've told us about her and her family, this is the smoothest way to handle the situation.
    This.  Go for something simple - maybe something more from the classics than the current top 40. 

    One more thought:  Could you and FI get her some time with a vocal coach for Christmas?  A professional might be more inclined to give her an honest assessment of her strengths as a performer, or may be able to work with her to put together a reasonable arrangement of a song that would be tolerable to listen to for a few minutes.

    I also sincerely hope that none of your other guests would have the audacity to say something to FI or to your niece about the quality of her performance.  I would a little worried that someone well-meaning would ask her if she was nervous, or having an off-day, etc. in a way that would cause her upset or embarrassment at your wedding.  Niece clearly needs to learn her talents haven't aged well, but your wedding day itself is not the place or the time for that.
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  • martha1818martha1818 member
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    msuprincess04 said:

    Pick a song you think is in her range, maybe out of the ones she's planned, and ask her to cut it down to two minutes. My neice sang a shortened version of a song at our reception before the BM and MOH gave their speeches. It was lovely. I told everyone the same thing. You get 2 minutes. That's it. Because people will want to eat!

    Yes! Most songs are over 2 minutes, aren't they? So I'd definitely get bored listening to someone (who isn't a good singer) sing a whole song. I'd get her to cut it down to that limit.

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  • banana468banana468 member
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    My friend's MIL *needed* to sing at her wedding. It was awful. However none of us said anything to the MIL about sucking. We just privately joke that it was terrible.
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  • pinkcow13pinkcow13 member
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    This reminds me of the episode of Friends where Phoebe wanted to sing at Monica and Chandler's wedding, and the other episode where Ross wanted to play the bagpipes at the wedding lol. 

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    If she is that bad, I would say that you can tell her that after you guys went over the logistics and timing of the event, unfortunately there is no room for her to sing. Are you guys having a rehearsal dinner? Can she sing there?
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  • ElcaBElcaB member
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    Tell her you greatly appreciate the offer, but live music isn't really what you envisioned for your wedding/you already planned out the playlist...

    ...unless you already told her one song, in which case you can say you appreciate how much thought she put into it, but one song is more than enough. Then, "accidentally" lose the microphone the day of ;)
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  • theartistformerlyknownastheartistformerlyknownas member
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    Yikes. Even though you've already told her yes... damn, she's an adult, she should be able to understand "circumstances changed, and there won't be a place for it in the wedding anymore." MAYBE let her sing at the RD. This isn't like un-asking a 4 year old to be your FG. 

    If you do still let her sing one song, YOU should choose it. I'd choose not only something you think is within her range, but something old (I mean, "classic") that she probably won't even like. Maybe once you tell her "just one song, and it's this one" she won't want to do it anymore.
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  • southernbelle0915southernbelle0915 mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    You said you initially told her one song. She came with a whole set of songs. So you just need to reminder her "Hey niece, we can only have you perform one song. Pick your favorite and let me know which song it will be." Stand firm on it.

    Then make sure you brief your sound guy/gal on the situation and let them know it's one song - that's it. No exceptions. Sound guy/gal turns the mic off after that one song and starts playing whatever else is on your play list. 
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  • luckysnorkelluckysnorkel member
    First Comment Name Dropper First Anniversary 5 Love Its
    My aunt wanted to sing at our wedding.  I told her that our ceremony was going to be very short and low-key (true) and offered her a reading instead, which she gladly accepted.
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  • badbnagdwaybadbnagdway member
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    edited October 2014
    My dad was hell bent on my younger sisters (teenagers) singing at my sister's wedding. They are good singers, but it was not a very feasible idea because the room was set up for a dj and there was no piano or anything to accompany them. Dad's next idea was to have one of our cousins, who plays bass professionally, accompany them. Umm, two singers accompanied by a bass sounds horrible. But anyway, my sister has trouble saying no so this idea was not killed until about two days before the wedding, at which point, I told my dad "This is a wedding, not a talent show."

    Tell her that she needs to pick one favorite song, or maybe pick the one you like best out of what she's given you. You told her she could do one. Tell her that is what you will have time for and that you want her to spend time being a guest. 
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  • raissyraisraissyrais member
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    She's 18 and of course she's craving the attention. She wants people to pat her on the back afterwards and tell her what an amazing singer she is, like her family has been doing all along. We have a case of SS even though she's unsuspecting. Poor girl, you'll have to limit her if you don't want guests at your wedding dubbing your entertainment as "atrocious".
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  • cowgirl8238cowgirl8238 member
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    I think you are well within your rights to choose a single song from the list that you both like and think she can perform and then be done with it.  If she is insisting on more just tell her she only gets one because you only have time for one. 
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  • martha1818martha1818 member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    lolo883 said:
    I'd also have the song during the prelude before the ceremony, not during the reception. Bonus - fewer people will be there, and you won't have to hear it. ;)

    My reception entertainment (dueling pianos) actually had a stipulation in their contract that they were to be the only entertainment at the reception. Perhaps you could (white lie) use the same excuse. 
    Ohh, I like this. I don't think a white lie like this would be hurting anyone. Plus, she's an adult and should understand (or can start learning to at this point). I dunno, maybe I just really hate AWish people ;)

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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
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    I'm reminded of the scene in Pride and Prejudice where Mary plays the piano and sings poorly and her father has to tell her to sit down-rudely.

    As far as advice goes, I'd either decline, saying that you've chosen your music selections already, or let her sing one song, choose a song she can sing decently, and stand firm on that.
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  • jenijoykjenijoyk member
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment

    This totally happened to me. We told him, "That is so nice to offer! But we already have a lot planned and won't be able to fit it in. Plus, we really want you to just enjoy the wedding as our groomsman and not put extra pressure on you. Really, the best gift you can give us will be to just show up and enjoy yourself - nothing more required."

    He then asked again and we were more curt, "Thanks but we really can't fit it in." Then we forbade both our DOC and our DJ from allowing him anywhere near a mic and to let us know if they saw him sneaking in musical instruments.

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  • jenijoykjenijoyk member
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    ashley8918 said:
    jenijoyk said:

    This totally happened to me. We told him, "That is so nice to offer! But we already have a lot planned and won't be able to fit it in. Plus, we really want you to just enjoy the wedding as our groomsman and not put extra pressure on you. Really, the best gift you can give us will be to just show up and enjoy yourself - nothing more required."

    He then asked again and we were more curt, "Thanks but we really can't fit it in." Then we forbade both our DOC and our DJ from allowing him anywhere near a mic and to let us know if they saw him sneaking in musical instruments.

    I have no idea why I just pictured someone skulking around the outskirts of the room on tip toes, pushing a baby grand, but i cannot stop laughing.

    Muahaha - given this particular person, this was SO NOT outside the realm of possibility.

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  • sophhabobophasophhabobopha member
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    I'm sorry, but this situation is hilarious. That poor girl is going to get hit with the truth like a fucking jackhammer one day.
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  • djandcjdjandcj member
    5 Love Its First Comment First Anniversary
    Actually it all kind of worked out. My fiance told her one song and I had to approve it, so I didn't have to be the bad guy.  I like the ideas about the prelude or the reception when people are transitioning in. Thanks ladies!
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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
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    JellyBean52513 said:
    Just tell your niece, "After some further planning and thinking logistics, we're really only going to be able to have you sing one song. I know you had a little bit more planned, but all we're going to have you sing is just one song. I really love these 2-3 right here, do you think you could pick out one of these that you'd like to sing?" Then, make sure you pick out a few songs that you know she'll be able to pull off ok. I know this explanation is bordering on white lie, but based on what you've told us about her and her family, this is the smoothest way to handle the situation.

    I think this is a beautiful way to handle it. You're still letting her sing & having her sing something that is approriate for the occasion
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