Small reception, large party?

Kezza80 · October 2014

Ok, this is my first post and it's kind of a doozy... I tried to read back through the board to make sure I wasn't repeating a frequently asked question, but I definitely could have missed it.

So, my basic story is that I come from a huge Irish catholic family-48 aunts and uncles, almost 100 first cousins, spread out mostly in the Philadelphia area and western mass area (I live outside Boston). My fiancé lives in central NJ, which is where we'll be getting married.

I'm one of 5 girls, and my parents will not be contributing to any weddings-- they paid for undergrad instead. Totally understandable, but means we're hoping to keep the budget down.

We debated between large and less formal or small and elegant, and have pretty much opted for small and elegant since it will be at a beautiful function space in our favorite restaurant. This means no rentals, minimal decorative needs, and we can afford to host all aspects. I'm not the most organized, so low stress day of wedding is a high priority for me. The space is limited to 44 guests.

We have also found an obscenely inexpensive outdoor space to rent, but it requires a lot of work setting up tables and chairs, procuring of all eating/drinking relating items, and breakdown after the event. We could afford to host a very DIY event here for a large crowd, but trying to envision doing that on my wedding day makes me panic.

What I would like to do is get married and have a small reception with my closest friends and family, then host a large luncheon the next day for wedding guests and family within a reasonable driving distance. It will be a casual party, not a reception (no wedding dress, no DJ, etc). We will provide a simple meal and beverages, plus maybe some lawn games. I just don't mind being point person on a day that I'm not wearing a fancy dress, getting hair done, taking pictures, and still trying to be sincere and joyful in my wedding vows.

My vision is that it will be a great chance for my family and I to celebrate and catch up. I'm not looking for gifts, and will be upfront that it is not a wedding reception. From internet searching though, it appears I may offend people I care about significantly, which really is not how I want to start my marriage.

What do you all think? Can I celebrate with people who aren't invited to the reception? If yes, how do I word the invitation?

Also, as a side note, the ceremony site can host up to 200 and includes admission to a sculpture garden. Can I advise people that they are welcome to enjoy the site and come to the ceremony if they want to without making it seem like I expect them to be there?

TL,DR: can I have my low stress wedding cake and share it with my huge family too?

misshart00 · October 2014

I don't understand why a big party would stress you out one day but not the next?

Kezza80 · October 2014

It's trying to do it while doing all the other things you have to do at your wedding day. Like how do I set up chairs while I'm getting my hair done, etc. and I feel less guilty roping my sisters and BFF in for help (which they've volunteered already), when they don't need to be dressed up either.

misshart00 · October 2014

If you're going to do a large party, I would recommend doing it several weeks later, extremely casual, and make it non wedding related at all.

Kezza80 · October 2014

I'm fine with not mentioning the wedding and extremely casual but my immediate family will only be around for the wedding weekend and would love to see everyone too.

wrigleyville · October 2014

Kezza80 said:

I'm fine with not mentioning the wedding and extremely casual but my immediate family will only be around for the wedding weekend and would love to see everyone too.

The problem is that they're all going to be talking about your gorgeous wedding and fun reception, and it's going to lead to hurt feelings among the people invited to the B-list party the next day.

Also, telling people they are "welcome to enjoy the ceremony site" is not going to go over well. If I go to your ceremony and admire the sculpture garden, I'm going to feel pretty hurt watching the Chosen Guests head off to the reception while I sit around with the other B-list relatives that night and wait for the B-list party the next day.

Believe me, I know where you're coming from. I have a family as large as yours, and it was very, very hard to limit our wedding to only 50-some people, but we simply could not afford to invite the next circle of relatives, which would have added at least 100 people.

I would either have the small wedding and reception you're envisioning or figure out a way to host everyone at the same time. You could do catered BBQ and store-bought sodas and lemonade in a park or your backyard. It's hard, but sometimes you have to weigh your vision against how important it is to have those family members there. That's not a BAD thing, and it's totally okay to go with your vision as long as you aren't rude to anyone (i.e. a tiered reception).

artbyallie · October 2014

You know you could just hire people to set up chairs, right? Pay a couple high-schoolers 20 bucks apiece.

Please have just one event, whether that means the small affair or a large and less formal one. It's rude to have tiered events where some people are not invited to the whole shebang.

Kezza80 · October 2014

Ok, I guess the lesson here is that if you feel the need to ask if something is rude, it probably is. Thanks for the reality check! Time for more soul searching.

msuprincess04 · October 2014

You can absolutely still throw a big family party, but I agree with others, I'd do it a few weeks or months later. It clarifies that there are two seperate events, not one multi-day event that they were only invited to half of.

novella1186 · October 2014

Kezza80 said:

Ok, I guess the lesson here is that if you feel the need to ask if something is rude, it probably is. Thanks for the reality check! Time for more soul searching.

Lol I learned this too. It's ok. You're coming from a good place, and obviously you know not to make the big party a second reception or whatever. You have the right idea, but I absolutely agree with other posters that you should have the big party later. If travel is an issue for your immediate family, then have the big party 6 months to a year later when it's convenient for them to travel to your city a second time. That way the people who weren't invited to your small intimate wedding will have a clear understanding that this is merely a party to celebrate a marriage that already happened a while ago.

If that won't work for you, then you have the option of the big wedding and hiring people to help set up (I would also recommend the idea of just paying some high school kids 20 bucks). You have some good options here, so don't let it stress you out too much. Just make sure you're doing what you and your FI really want!

thisismynickname2 · October 2014

My sister and her husband had a roughly 30 person event. They couldn't afford to host husband's huge family. Several months later, his family had a family reunion and my sister got to meet the very extended family. Several months after that, my side had a family reunion and my BIL got to meet our very extended family.

I highly endorse this option, especially because the very concept of a family reunion often means more shared and low costs.

NYCMercedes · October 2014

Kezza80 said:

Ok, this is my first post and it's kind of a doozy... I tried to read back through the board to make sure I wasn't repeating a frequently asked question, but I definitely could have missed it. So, my basic story is that I come from a huge Irish catholic family-48 aunts and uncles, almost 100 first cousins, spread out mostly in the Philadelphia area and western mass area (I live outside Boston). My fiancé lives in central NJ, which is where we'll be getting married. I'm one of 5 girls, and my parents will not be contributing to any weddings-- they paid for undergrad instead. Totally understandable, but means we're hoping to keep the budget down. We debated between large and less formal or small and elegant, and have pretty much opted for small and elegant since it will be at a beautiful function space in our favorite restaurant. This means no rentals, minimal decorative needs, and we can afford to host all aspects. I'm not the most organized, so low stress day of wedding is a high priority for me. The space is limited to 44 guests. We have also found an obscenely inexpensive outdoor space to rent, but it requires a lot of work setting up tables and chairs, procuring of all eating/drinking relating items, and breakdown after the event. We could afford to host a very DIY event here for a large crowd, but trying to envision doing that on my wedding day makes me panic. What I would like to do is get married and have a small reception with my closest friends and family, then host a large luncheon the next day for wedding guests and family within a reasonable driving distance. It will be a casual party, not a reception (no wedding dress, no DJ, etc). We will provide a simple meal and beverages, plus maybe some lawn games. I just don't mind being point person on a day that I'm not wearing a fancy dress, getting hair done, taking pictures, and still trying to be sincere and joyful in my wedding vows. My vision is that it will be a great chance for my family and I to celebrate and catch up. I'm not looking for gifts, and will be upfront that it is not a wedding reception. From internet searching though, it appears I may offend people I care about significantly, which really is not how I want to start my marriage. What do you all think? Can I celebrate with people who aren't invited to the reception? If yes, how do I word the invitation? Also, as a side note, the ceremony site can host up to 200 and includes admission to a sculpture garden. Can I advise people that they are welcome to enjoy the site and come to the ceremony if they want to without making it seem like I expect them to be there? TL,DR: can I have my low stress wedding cake and share it with my huge family too?

I would be offended to be invited to the informal picnic only and not be invited to the wedding. It just doesn't work the way you've envisioned it. Do one or the other.

theartistformerlyknownas · October 2014

Kezza80 said:

I'm fine with not mentioning the wedding and extremely casual but my immediate family will only be around for the wedding weekend and would love to see everyone too.

So plan the big party - several weeks or months after the wedding - wherever most of your immediate family lives. Yes, then you'll have to be the one traveling for it, but that's one of the sacrifices you'd have to make for this to work.

That said though, you need to make this less about who your family wants to visit with and more about who you want to celebrate your marriage with. If you want to plan a huge multi-family reunion, go right ahead. But try not to feel pressured into hosting more than you're willing/able just because your huge family wants to visit with each other.

Kezza80 · October 2014

lolo883 said:

That said though, you need to make this less about who your family wants to visit with and more about who you want to celebrate your marriage with. If you want to plan a huge multi-family reunion, go right ahead. But try not to feel pressured into hosting more than you're willing/able just because your huge family wants to visit with each other.

Thanks for all the great feedback, everyone. I'm still not sure what I will do, but at least I know what not to do!

The quoted is definitely something to spend a lot of time thinking about. In general, I want the smaller more intimate wedding. I'm an introvert marrying another introvert, so we're small group people. However *sob story alert* my biological father died before I was born. I would love to invite his 9 siblings and their spouses to the wedding as I'm their only connection to him, but I know I can't do that without inviting my mother's 8 and step-father's 9 siblings and their spouses. I don't think that gives me etiquette special snowflake status, just trying to explain why the decision is challenging.

First time quoting, hope it worked out!

wrigleyville · October 2014

I get that. We're both introverts too. Trust me when I say the 50-person wedding was perfect for us, and if we'd had any more, we would have felt sooooooo stressed. Having a smaller wedding allows you to really slow down and eat/socialize with everyone at the reception instead of rushing around trying to do table visits.

My mom's side had a family reunion the following summer, and lots of people congratulated us and asked about the wedding. It was very low-key since the focus wasn't on us, which was perfect.

short+sassy · October 2014

Kezza80 said:

That said though, you need to make this less about who your family wants to visit with and more about who you want to celebrate your marriage with. If you want to plan a huge multi-family reunion, go right ahead. But try not to feel pressured into hosting more than you're willing/able just because your huge family wants to visit with each other.

Thanks for all the great feedback, everyone. I'm still not sure what I will do, but at least I know what not to do! The quoted is definitely something to spend a lot of time thinking about. In general, I want the smaller more intimate wedding. I'm an introvert marrying another introvert, so we're small group people. However *sob story alert* my biological father died before I was born. I would love to invite his 9 siblings and their spouses to the wedding as I'm their only connection to him, but I know I can't do that without inviting my mother's 8 and step-father's 9 siblings and their spouses. I don't think that gives me etiquette special snowflake status, just trying to explain why the decision is challenging. First time quoting, hope it worked out!

In light of this information, I strongly suggest the smaller wedding option. It sounds like this is what both you and your FI are more leaning towards. A big party later on (6 mos.- 1yr) that others have suggested seems a perfect solution to still host something that will bring the families together...but without the additional stress of getting married.

My DH and I had a small, intimate wedding (35 people) and even that was a bit daunting for us...and we are both extroverts!

Small reception, large party?

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