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Bridal Shower and Out of Town Family

washwed2015washwed2015 member
First Comment
in Wedding Party

I live in one state, my maid of honor is in another state, my family is in a third state, and I have friends all over (thanks US Navy). I have decided to let a friend in my state host my shower. Do I send invites to everyone??  Do I limit the invites to those I know will make the trip?

I have been left out of shower invitations because family and friends believed I would not make the trip...but, if I were invited, I would have sent a card and/or gift.

I thought of a virtual shower, but I know they will not attend via Skype (or the likes).

Any suggestions??

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Re: Bridal Shower and Out of Town Family

  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    Invite who you would like to be there.  Even though they are out of state you may be surprised who will make the trip.  An invite is not a summons so they can always decline if they cannot make the trip.

    You shouldn't make the decision for them because you assume they won't come because they are out of state.  Let them decide for themselves.

    And just say no to a virtual shower because I just think that would be odd and extremely boring.

    FYI, talk with the host of your shower to see how many people she is willing to host and then provide her with a list of guests and their addresses.

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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Get the number of people you're allowed to invite, then make the list.  I wouldn't make half the list people who are out of town, but maybe a quarter of the list could be.  I was a little annoyed to have been invited to my cousin's shower which was a 10 hour drive away over 4th of July weekend (granted, everything my aunt does annoys me, so there's that).  To me, it seemed like they (bride and her mother, the shower host) were just trying to get another gift out of me.  Of course, I would never feel this way about getting an invitation to a shower for a friend who happened to live out of town.  So, just consider this a warning about who to invite, and take my annoyance with my aunt with a grain of salt.
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  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
    First Comment First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its
    Ask the shower host how many she'd be able to host, and invite from there.  

    A shower is supposed to be your nearest and dearest.  It's fine to invite people like the MOH who are out of state, even if you think they won't come, but don't ask her to invite people who you aren't that close to.  

    Just say no to the Skype shower.  That's silly and annoying.  Sometimes showers just don't work out.  No big deal.
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    Don't do a Skype shower.  A virtual shower doesn't make up for a real one.

    You can certainly invite people who are out of town, like your MOH, even if you think they won't come.  But I'd only invite out-of-towners who you're really close to-not necessarily every single family member.  That said, let all invitees decide for themselves if they can come or not-don't pre-empt the decision by not inviting someone you'd really like to attend.

    Find out from the shower hostess how many guests she can accommodate and go from there.




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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Jen4948 said:
    Don't do a Skype shower.  A virtual shower doesn't make up for a real one.

    You can certainly invite people who are out of town, like your MOH, even if you think they won't come.  But I'd only invite out-of-towners who you're really close to-not necessarily every single family member.  That said, let all invitees decide for themselves if they can come or not-don't pre-empt the decision by not inviting someone you'd really like to attend.

    Find out from the shower hostess how many guests she can accommodate and go from there.




    Yes please.  See the bolded.
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  • dcbride86dcbride86 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment First Answer
    I sent invitations to my whole family and wedding party (inlcuding out-of-towners) to the party my FMIL just threw my fiance and I.  However, I also made sure to reach out to them via text, phonecall, etc. and tell them that, although I would love them to attend, they should absolutely not feel obligated to either attend or send a gift.  That way, I know they felt included, but also didn't feel pressured to get us anything.  Most people just texted or called me to say they got the invitation and wished they could come - one of my aunts sent a small gift, but that's all.

    <a href="Wedding Countdown Ticker'>http://www.theknot.com/?utm_source=ticker&utm_medium=HTML&utm_campaign=tickers" title="Free Wedding Vows">

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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    ssautter said:
    I sent invitations to my whole family and wedding party (inlcuding out-of-towners) to the party my FMIL just threw my fiance and I.  However, I also made sure to reach out to them via text, phonecall, etc. and tell them that, although I would love them to attend, they should absolutely not feel obligated to either attend or send a gift.  That way, I know they felt included, but also didn't feel pressured to get us anything.  Most people just texted or called me to say they got the invitation and wished they could come - one of my aunts sent a small gift, but that's all.
    The bolded was not appropriate.  It's never proper to assume that you are entitled to pre-empt any decisions on the part of your guests about whether or not to give you a gift and what it should be if they do.  That should have been left for them to decide.  This is also why registry information should never be included in wedding invitations.  You (generic) are not entitled to gifts just because you are getting married.
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  • thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    While I wouldn't do a virtual shower, I will comment that I attended a baby shower and they Skyped in the mother-to-be's sister. The sister lived several states away but due to military obligations could not make the trip. It was important enough for sis to be there in spirit, so they set up the tablet on the coffee table so she could watch the gift-opening.

    But honestly, in this situation, I'd just decline having a shower at all. With friends and family spread all over, what's really the point? It's just a party to open gifts. Sorry to be blunt, but a bridal shower is really not an "event."  The wedding is. 
    ________________________________


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  • washwed2015washwed2015 member
    First Comment

    Thanks for the responses, but I am still stuck. I am not throwing this party, others are and they want my guest list. The funny part about this...no one cares about gifts. My friends just want a reason to celebrate me. I have been asked what type of gifts do I want...and I said, give it to charity.

     

    I think I am going to send the bridal shower invites with the wedding invites. Saves on Postage and everyone can make the decision themselves.

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  • southernbelle0915southernbelle0915 mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    washwed2015 said:

    Thanks for the responses, but I am still stuck. I am not throwing this party, others are and they want my guest list. The funny part about this...no one cares about gifts. My friends just want a reason to celebrate me. I have been asked what type of gifts do I want...and I said, give it to charity.

    I think I am going to send the bridal shower invites with the wedding invites. Saves on Postage and everyone can make the decision themselves.

    Why are you sending invites to your own shower? Your friend should be sending them if she's the one hosting. Is your friend prepared to host every single wedding guest if they "decide for themselves" that they are going to attend?
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  • artbyallieartbyallie mod
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    washwed2015 said:

    Thanks for the responses, but I am still stuck. I am not throwing this party, others are and they want my guest list. The funny part about this...no one cares about gifts. My friends just want a reason to celebrate me. I have been asked what type of gifts do I want...and I said, give it to charity.

     

    I think I am going to send the bridal shower invites with the wedding invites. Saves on Postage and everyone can make the decision themselves.

    If you do not want gifts, you should decline having a shower thrown for you. Showers are for gifts. And ditto PP that you don't send your own shower invitations.
    image
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  • auriannaaurianna member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    "I have decided to let a friend in my state host my shower"

    I assume you mean that your friend offered you a shower, of her own free will, and then you said, "that would be lovely, thank you! Also, if you need help with any of the non-hosty parts, like addressing envelopes, let me know" not "Hey friend ABC, I've decided that YOU get to throw me a shower! I'll send out the invites and tell them to show up at your place on XYZ date."

    You didn't say anything else to make me think it was the latter, but if it is, apologize and say you really just want a girls weekend with your friends and no shower necessary.


    If you don't want presents though, you really shouldn't be having a shower. I'd either make a small registry with upgrades or decline the shower. Alternatively you could suggest to your host the idea of a bridal luncheon vs a shower, but don't push hard if she's not really into it.

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  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
    First Comment First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited October 2014
    washwed2015 said:

    Thanks for the responses, but I am still stuck. I am not throwing this party, others are and they want my guest list. The funny part about this...no one cares about gifts. My friends just want a reason to celebrate me. I have been asked what type of gifts do I want...and I said, give it to charity.

     

    I think I am going to send the bridal shower invites with the wedding invites. Saves on Postage and everyone can make the decision themselves.

    Hold the phone, what?

    You should not, in any way, shape or form, be sending your own shower invitations. By "deciding who will host" and sending the invitations, it's clear that you intend to host your own shower. That is extremely rude.

    A shower is for gifts. If you don't want gifts, you shouldn't be having a shower at all, regardless of the travel logistics. Throwing yourself a party that is specifically for the purpose of people bringing you gifts and then donating them all to charity is so far beyond wrong. 
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    washwed2015 said:

    Thanks for the responses, but I am still stuck. I am not throwing this party, others are and they want my guest list. The funny part about this...no one cares about gifts. My friends just want a reason to celebrate me. I have been asked what type of gifts do I want...and I said, give it to charity.

     

    I think I am going to send the bridal shower invites with the wedding invites. Saves on Postage and everyone can make the decision themselves.

    Wedding showers are not fundraisers for charities.  Your guests want to give you gifts as a gesture of their affection for you and happiness that you are marrying the love of your life-and that is (presumably) just as "worthy" a cause as any §501(c) organization.  Not only that, it's not up to you to decide what causes they should support-not even as a "gift" to you.  That has to be strictly up to them-assuming they even want to donate.
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