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Wedding Etiquette Forum

plus one's for family members on save the dates

Our "you get a plus one" criteria: don't know a lot of the other wedding guests AND don't have a significant other (because we would have just invited the SO).

that said, I have a few friends who meet both criteria and get plus-ones no problem. However, my family members do not meet the first criterion because they are family and they know the whole family. But I've found out (through the family gossip chain) that my uncle has a GF that may or may not move cross country, that my cousin moved in with his GF (that I never even knew he had), that my aunt is dating some guy that knows the whole family (except my parents apparently) and is allegedly weird, that my other cousin is on and off again with her girlfriend, and so on.

Though these people are all close family members, none of them updated me on their lives and none of them bring their people around for holidays and visits and such.

And given the tentativeness of most of their situations, can I just put their individual names on the Save The Dates and then I can put an actual significant other on their actual invitation if things are more serious down the line? And if yes, can I do that with all of my guests with plus ones, as we are trying to invite more people from our b-list instead anyway….

Re: plus one's for family members on save the dates

  • kRd1868 said:

    Our "you get a plus one" criteria: don't know a lot of the other wedding guests AND don't have a significant other (because we would have just invited the SO).

    that said, I have a few friends who meet both criteria and get plus-ones no problem. However, my family members do not meet the first criterion because they are family and they know the whole family. But I've found out (through the family gossip chain) that my uncle has a GF that may or may not move cross country, that my cousin moved in with his GF (that I never even knew he had), that my aunt is dating some guy that knows the whole family (except my parents apparently) and is allegedly weird, that my other cousin is on and off again with her girlfriend, and so on.

    Though these people are all close family members, none of them updated me on their lives and none of them bring their people around for holidays and visits and such.

    And given the tentativeness of most of their situations, can I just put their individual names on the Save The Dates and then I can put an actual significant other on their actual invitation if things are more serious down the line? And if yes, can I do that with all of my guests with plus ones, as we are trying to invite more people from our b-list instead anyway….


    If one of your guests is in a relationship, you need to also invite the S/O. There is no waiting to see how "serious" it is.
  • but if I send the save the date to  my uncle and his SO and then they break up, aren't I still bound to send an invitation to her because a sent her a save the date... I don't even know her.
  • kRd1868 said:

    but if I send the save the date to  my uncle and his SO and then they break up, aren't I still bound to send an invitation to her because a sent her a save the date... I don't even know her.

    The save the date can be addressed to the couple (or just to him) and sent to his address. If they break up, I don't think she would expect an invitation. But don't send her an STD of her own.
  • If someone has a SO (by their terms, not yours) you must invite them as a couple.  You invite your uncle with his girlfriend. If they break up, you just invite your Uncle. Your uncle is the primary guest, his girlfriend wouldn't be invited if they were not a couple. You have no obligation to invite the girlfriend if they break up.

     You don't need to put "and guest" on the STD, because you can always change your mind on whether or not you want to give truly single guests plus ones. 
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  • What they said. You can't give a litmus test for those relationships, really. 

    When you invite a couple to the wedding, you don't send separate invitations to each person, especially if their significant others are complete strangers- you either invite them BOTH by name on the invitation to your primary guest (your cousin, uncle whoever), or invite the primary by name + guest. 

    There were a few people I invited to my wedding who didn't have any serious S.O.s, but I gave them +1s anyways, so they could bring a date if they wanted. This was especially true for my friends who don't know many other people at the wedding. But that's just me. :) Not standard protocol. 
  • I think with STDates being relatively new, and with you not even knowing about the existence of a couple of these SOs, you don't have to include the SOs name on the STDate.  But it would be nice if you did.
  • Definitely put their SOs on the invitations, but I wouldn't worry too much about it for the STDs. 
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  • As a general rule "social units" get a single invite / STD, A "social unit" could be a married couple and their invited under 18 year old children, it could be just a couple married or not, or just a single person.  Sending one invite to the couple, listing the friend's / family members name first along with the SO's name and preferably sending it to the home of the friend, make is clear that they are invited as a social unit so if they break up, it should be pretty obvious that the non-friend/relative is no longer invited.
  • I did not include +1s on my single guest STDs.  I hope I wasn't rude, but with no inner envelope I just addressed the STD to the guest.  Their invitations will have & Guest on said inner envelope. 

    OP, how formal is your family?  I think if no one has told you about their SOs, I wouldn't worry about puting their names on STD and just worry about it come invitation time.  That is unless your family is very formal and you think they might be offended.
  • I'm pretty sure my family has no concept of anything etiquette, so I think I will just address the STDs to the actual guest and add the SO to the invitation down the road.  most people will have to travel, so I'd really like to send the STDs and send them 9 months early.
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