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elkin213 · November 2014

Hi!

IrishPirate60 · November 2014

shannary said:

Hi! So anyone who really knows my soon to be SIL knows she's a compulsive liar and thrives on drama. A couple years ago she asked if she could take our engagement and wedding pictures. I panicked and said that she couldn't do that because she'd be in the wedding. She does okay with pictures but she doesn't pay attention to backgrounds and she did a girls wedding pictures and there was a dumpster in the background. She also is notorious for never getting a cd to the customer or it taking months and months. However, in the last couple years we've barely talked. When it came time to pick the wedding party we struggled for months if we should ask her. I left the decision up to my fiance since it was his family . He decided no. We are both people pleasers and feel all our lives we've compromised and felt this was the first time we wanted to do it the way we wanted instead of what would be best for everyone else. We did ask his brother if he would be a groomsmen and their daughter to be a flower girl. We asked by sending hand made letters decorated with cute ways to ask. When the SIL received it she immediately text saying that she didn't think my fiances brother would be able to make it because of work. We were giving them a years notice and my fiance works for the same company and knows that they would let him off work. I simply forwarded the text to my fiance for him to handle. From there he called his brother. He said he would be honored and he would just have to get his wife to come around to the idea. He also asked about his neice being a FG. He said yes but again he'd have to work on his wife going along with it. Everyone else we asked to be in the wedding party posted a picture on fb of our invite. I didn't send them for public recognition but I spent weeks making them and I spent the most time and money on the flower girl and I was proud of how cute it turned out. It would have been nice for her to share it. The next day she sent me a text saying that fiances brother would probably say yes but to not even count on him following through with it. I told her fiance and brother had already talked and he said yes. She argued that he hadn't and said if he did he was probably drunk and that he lies a lot. Over the past six months they've said they probably won't make it to the bach parties, bridal shower, rehearsal dinner and they would be leaving the wedding early to make it to church the next morning and wouldnt be getting a hotel room like the rest of the family. So, I found my dress and was very close to choosing BM dresses and was telling to narrow down style for FG. Over the past 3 months Ive sent SIL 24 different FG dresses that she said no to. She used the excuse that the FG, who is 4Years old, doesn't like them. She's sent me almost 20 giant poofy "couture" FG dresses with giant bows and feather trim or entirely made or feathers. Finally my fiance and I sat down and each picked our favorite dress that went with our rustic/romantic wedding. I sent them to SIL and she claimed her phone wasnt receiving pictures at the time. I sent them to fiances brother and he replied that 4 dresses that he said the FG liked. I replied back that that wasn't what we were looking for and we liked these two and sent the pictures again. He replied that the fg doesn't like them and we will just have to go shopping and find one. I waited to reply and talked it over with my fiance. He was extremely upset. We felt backed into a corner and like we either had to A. Let the FG show up in whatever the SIL picked out or B. Tell them it just wasn't working. I explained to fiance I was afraid he and his brothers relationship. He said that his SIL has caused so much drama in the past that he didn't feel he even has a relationship with him and felt his brother should have stepped in and told his SIL to just pick a dress we like. So we decided to tell them it just wasn't working out. His brother replied that he agreed and he and the flower girl would not be in the wedding. We talked to his other SIL about their daughter being in the wedding but they felt with her not being a year yet that it would not go well. We also thought about asking my brother if their son could be a second usher and my mother thought that wouldn't work because he is extremely shy. So the last option was my brothers GF daughter. She is the perfect age to be a FG.However, the gf and the SIL have past drama. We decided that if that wad a determining factor of who we should include it would be difficult to find anyone. We called and asked if my brother would step up from usher to groomsmen and the girl would be our FG. They were extremely honored, excited, and thanful to be included and made to feel like their little family is apart of our whole family. A few hours later the SIL sent be a message asking why one dress she picked wouldn't work. I told her because we sent her the two we liked. She said she didn't understand why we had to pick/buy now. I told her we didn't have to buy now but I wanted to know that they would go with what we wanted instead of picking dresses that would stick out like a sore thumb in our wedding. She said fine they'd buy whatever we wanted. She then picked a dress from an old list I had sent her instead of picking from the two. I resent her the two and she picked one but said only if the dress comes in floor length. I had picked the dress just under knee length because she already had a cute pair or cowboy boots to wear with. I said okay fine but she wont be the only FG because we found another when they dropped out. She blew up and said I planned this all along and I made up the dress situation so I could kick her daughter out and ask the other girl. Then she deleted me off fb and blocked me. I tried to reason with her but by then things were being said by both of us that can never be taken back. After she blocked me she put up a status about how I broke her daughters heart and who would do something like that and would replace a fg with someone else. Even though I said they both could be FG. Friends sent me screen shots and she was lying about everything. Some of her friends were talking about how ugly the new fg is compared to her daughter and that I am worried that my fg would be prettier than I would be and steal my thunder. My future MIL came to find BM dresses with us yesterday and we had a private conversion were I apologized for the drama that occurred. She said that my fiances brother had stopped by the night before and said that they had picked a dress they wanted their daughter to wear and didn't understand why we wouldn't just accept that. She said she tried to reason with him that is our wedding not his or his daughter's. She said he wouldnt come around. I didn't put anything on fb other than a picture that says "be careful about half truths because you may have been told the wrong half". And haven't said anything to them since. I was trying to keep it classy because its no one's business and I have several of my fiances aunts, uncles, and cousins on fb. But I couldn't help not defending our side ofall of this. So, I'm feeling so horrible about this all and I have no idea how to proceed. She said to not bother to invite them to the wedding but I feel we should wait and keep the door open in hopes of their relationship being mended but fiance is against the idea. Also, with the holidays coming around I'm afraid of how fiances family and extended family will react. And how I should react? Sorry it's so long. Thank you ask for letting me vent and for any advice!

When is your wedding? How far in advance are you asking people to be in your wedding party?

elkin213 · November 2014

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pompeymagnus · November 2014

Wow. That's a whole lot of drama.I would just be firm about your decision not to have them be involved in the wedding, because clearly your SIL just wants to control everything by creating unnecessary problems. Say that their girl can be a flower girl IF they can meet your requirements without causing further problems. Is their kid old enough to even feel left out if she's not a flower girl? I just feel like, if they are making this level of drama for you at this stage, how much worse will it be when you're closer to the wedding, with a million other things to worry about?? That being said I know how awkward it can be with SILs, because at a certain level you are obligated to interact with them, so you can't tell them how horribly they are acting, or that they should stay the hell away from you, without having to hear about it at every holiday and get together for years. (I have my own problems with my SIL, lol)

At least it feels kinda great to vent about it on here, right? I seriously hope things get better for you, though.
p.s. our date is in May too!! The 1st!!

elkin213 · November 2014

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elkin213 · November 2014

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pompeymagnus · November 2014

Yeah , that's kind of a tough one. Tbh the only one I'm worried about having their feelings hurt in your situation (other than you and FI) is the little girl.

And, yeah I'm totally getting to that point. I just ordered my wedding dress and sent out STDs , so I feel like it's finally becoming REAL, and I've had a few moments of "holy crap this is happening!". We're going for a may day type theme, so our colors are kinda springtime-ish. Bridesmaids dresses will be like forest green, and then I want hints of light green, purple, and maybe just a bit of pink or peach! Maybe too complicated haha what about you?

Anyway sorry you're having to deal with this, hopefully things will work out! *hugs*

MesmrEwe · November 2014

That's a whole lotta drama!!! Your first mistake - asking for her opinion!!! Make a decision and stick with it, don't ask her opinion for now until forever. Sending her however many styles for them to pick out - wrong idea. The only ones you should have ever sent are the final two. But, hindsight is 20/20

IMO, the only way out of this is just purchase the flower girl dress yourself, give it to your future niece for Christmas. If you order this week it'll be to your place in time. That way she knows it's not you saying she can't be in the wedding. Eventually she'll catch on to her Mom's way of being, but until then, you need to roll with it.

As for the 4-yo picking something out - yea - sure - UH HUH!... At four, she gets what she gets and she doesn't throw a fit as long as it's not something super scratchy or uncomfortable.

If they walk, they walk, extend the fig leaf for an invitation, your FI will know what's going on during the process and it sounds like they're on good terms even if the wife is psycho...

Heffalump · November 2014

tl;dr, except for this, which made me laugh because I do stuff like that all the time. But also, I am not a professional photographer. And then it just went on and on and I got bored.

shannary said:

She does okay with pictures but she doesn't pay attention to backgrounds and she did a girls wedding pictures and there was a dumpster in the background.

pegasuskat · November 2014

I'm a peace maker in general, and would hate to have a silly problem like this hanging over my head forever with IL's. I would send her a message saying that you would love for the daughter to be in the wedding, that you never intended to replace her ( which you actually did, and is kind of rude). I get it that she is crazy, but you are going to be family with crazy forever, don't feed into it. I would also just mention that you have a certain look your going for with the dresses, and if you can swing it in the budget I would offer to pay for it. Don't bad mouth her to other family, if she is this crazy they all know it, and you won't look crazy too by talking about her drama.

lacqueredlover · November 2014

Ok I think your SIL sucks so sorry about that. However a couple things about your behavior concerned me as well.

1. - you expected them to post pictures of you invitation to be in the wedding party on facebook? No. You dont' do things to be recognized, you do them to make a nice gesture.

2. Stop with the passive aggressive facebook posts. You posting "be careful about half truths because you may have been told the wrong half" is pretty childish and just inciting more drama.

Take the high road. STOP all communication with her. It's your FI's family, let him handle it. If anyone brings it up to you, just smile and say "I'm hoping it will all work out" and then CHANGE THE SUBJECT.

elkin213 · November 2014

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lacqueredlover · November 2014

Just in general, don't post attention seeking facebook statuses. When you start getting passive aggressive, it comes off as looking for attention and wanting people to go "oh no, what happened?" and getting all involved. Just be the bigger person and stay classy.

elkin213 · November 2014

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zitiqueen · November 2014

Here's a suggestion. Don't have a flower girl at all. You can still get married without one.

elkin213 · November 2014

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Heffalump · November 2014

Can someone post a summary? There are enough responses here, that, @shannary's snark aside, it seems like there may be an actual discussion in there somewhere. But I'm at work and prepping for a trip, so I don't have 20 minutes to sit down and pick through 1000 words of text.

elkin213 · November 2014

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elkin213 · November 2014

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hmonkey · November 2014

@heffalump

tl'dr = op spends a LOT (4 realz, a LOT) of time and energy trying to please someone who will not be pleased. instead of just accepting it, she is still trying to seek approval and then topping it off with passive-aggressive facebook messages, just like an adult would do.

elkin213 · November 2014

Thank you for your help everyone. I can see things are getting messy and I don't want to offend anyone more than I already guess I did. I do honestly hope all of your weddings go wonderfully!

Heffalump · November 2014

hmonkey said:

@heffalump

tl'dr = op spends a LOT (4 realz, a LOT) of time and energy trying to please someone who will not be pleased. instead of just accepting it, she is still trying to seek approval and then topping it off with passive-aggressive facebook messages, just like an adult would do.

If I don't say it enough (read: ever), you are a national treasure, @hmonkey. Thank you.

hmonkey · November 2014

surprise: people pleaser op deletes her post because not everyone is happy with it.

elkin213 · November 2014

hmonkey · November 2014

@elkin213

dude, it's okay not to be bff with your sil. everyone here knows that i cannot stand one sil and nothing terrible has happened to me yet. neither she nor her child were part of my wedding; it was not a big deal.

you can just be civil and polite to her; you don't have to be friends or close.

elkin213 · November 2014

Thank you. I appreciate your advice. I was trying so hard because I know it means a lot to my fiance and his parents that we try and make it work. I'm starting to realize that it's probably never going to work and in starting to be okay with it. Im sorry you felt offended by my response. I was only making fun of how long winded my post was.@

hmonkey · November 2014

i'm not offended, dude -- stop apologizing.

you can make it work by making the best of it. if you don't want to be friends with her, it's fine. you can just treat her how you treat any person -- civilly and politely. but don't let her pressure you into doing things you don't want to do.

(when dh asks me to be especially nice to my sil, i normally say "you first" and he backs off.)

elkin213 · November 2014

Haha thanks, ill have to use that!

MesmrEwe · November 2014

elkin - a lot of us have had our own "wedding disasters" that make SIL drama you've got seem like small potatoes and stick around for perspective of "BTDT" wisdom of years - trust us when we say we don't take personal offense!!! We just want to make sure that you're thinking "down the road" because you're going to have crazy cakes to deal with in your life forever LOL What you set for a strategy now is really going to follow you through out your relationship with SIL/BIL the rest of your life, so make sure you're setting healthy ones FOR YOU TOO! Being a "people pleaser" doesn't mean that you're a doormat to having your generosity abused.

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