How to deal with a negative mother

Knottie65235731 · November 2014

My mom and I have never seen eye to eye on anything, so I wasn't surprised when she had negative reactions to my choices about my wedding. Every choice I've made, from my colors to the venue I'd like the ceremony to be in, has been met with a nasty or passive aggressive comment. She claims to 'not understand my colors' (they're dusty aqua and emerald-kind of like sea glass), she doesn't like that I want to get married at an art gallery, and finally she keeps telling me how she wants to wear red. My sisters are already married so I feel like she should have gotten this attitude out of her system. Its at the point where I don't want to include her in planning at all. Last week I heard from family members that she's been saying that she wants to be noticed at my wedding, and I should just let here wear a red dress. Does anyone else's mother act like this?

beethery · November 2014

Knottie65235731 said:

My mom and I have never seen eye to eye on anything, so I wasn't surprised when she had negative reactions to my choices about my wedding. Every choice I've made, from my colors to the venue I'd like the ceremony to be in, has been met with a nasty or passive aggressive comment. She claims to 'not understand my colors' (they're dusty aqua and emerald-kind of like sea glass), she doesn't like that I want to get married at an art gallery, and finally she keeps telling me how she wants to wear red. My sisters are already married so I feel like she should have gotten this attitude out of her system. Its at the point where I don't want to include her in planning at all. Last week I heard from family members that she's been saying that she wants to be noticed at my wedding, and I should just let here wear a red dress. Does anyone else's mother act like this?

Don't talk to her about wedding stuff if she wants to bump heads over this. People just stay crazy sometimes.

I don't see what the problem is about her red dress. That's a non-issue.

vmj23 · November 2014

My mom has a tendency to be negative as well, but not to the degree you are describing. Just don't include or tell her what you are planning.

And who cares if she wears red?

plainjane0415 · November 2014

My mother had a bit of a crazy spell early on about what dress she should wear. I just kept telling her that I didn't care what she wore and that I wanted her to be comfortable in whatever she was wearing. That for some reason threw her for a loop, she got a little pouty about me not dictating what she should be wearing, but I just stuck to my guns and said over and over, and said mom I just want you to be comfortable and wear whatever you want to wear. One thing I have learned through this whole wedding planning thing is not everyone is going to appreciate your style, they won't appreciate your approach to certain things, and they may not understand why you are doing things the way you are. You just have to stick to your guns about your decisions, have the wedding you can afford, and stay within etiquette. That's it. All of this other noise does not matter.

Once my mom realized that I truly did want her to be comfortable and that I wasn't just being apathetic about the situation she was much better. And honestly, that's been the most drama (if you could even call it that) that I have experienced when planning thus far. I have chosen to not discuss wedding plans all the time with everyone. Sometimes it's hard to do, but I don't want to potentially alienate my family by only talking about wedding stuff all the time.

Just breathe, go through with your plans, and don't discuss anything else with your mom. If she wears a red dress to your wedding, don't let it bother you. She isn't going to upstage you, if that's what you are worried about.

OliveOilsMom · November 2014

If your mother is assisting to pay with the wedding in any way, she is entitled to her opinion. But if she is not paying, then do not give her wedding details. If she is paying, see where she wants her money to go, then only use her money for that and give her input on that one part - say flowers.

Let go of the red dress. If you think it will actually cause a "stir" in your family, then let your mom cause the stir because it will only reflect badly on her, not you. But there is no problem with her plan, she could wear black or even a rainbow colored dress, her attire is her business, not yours.

If she wants wedding details, just change the subject and not let her know anything. If she persists, then say "Mom, I love you, but we have very different opinions on this wedding. FI and I are planning the wedding that we want to have. I'm sorry that it is not the wedding you envision, so to avoid any further conflict about the wedding, I will not be discussing any details with you."

tammym1001 · November 2014

Not gonna lie I had to look up what dusty aqua was so that I could understand your colors.

It's not a big deal if your mom wants to wear a red dress. She can wear whatever she wants.

I don't really get negative so much from your post as I get that your mom is offering her opinions on your wedding. I think that most moms (not mine) probably do that. If you don't like her opinions then either ignore them or stop talking wedding stuff with her.

Viczaesar · November 2014

I don't understand your colors either. If you don't want your mother's opinion about your choices then don't share them with her. Also, you don't get to tell your parents (and anyone else not in the wedding party) what to wear or not wear.

AddieCake · November 2014

Ditto everyone else. Is she paying? If not, stop including her in details, and if she asks why you don't talk about it, tell her because she has nothing positive to say. And who cares what color her dress is?

southernbelle0915 · November 2014

Its a non-issue if she wants to wear red, or black, or a quilted bag. As you are, she is an adult and can dress herself.

As far as the negativity, I'm sorry you're experiencing that. Best thing you can do is stop talking wedding and change the subject when she brings it up.

Knottie65235731 · November 2014

I care if she wears red because the color palette is pale and in the blue-green family. I feel it will stick out n the photos. But more than that it's the reason behind it. She keeps telling family members (she won't say it to my face) that she wants to stand out and be noticed. Our wedding should be about my fiance and I jointing our lives. It shouldn't be about my friggin mother in a cherry red dress being the center of attention.

plainjane0415 · November 2014

Knottie65235731 said:

I care if she wears red because the color palette is pale and in the blue-green family. I feel it will stick out n the photos. But more than that it's the reason behind it. She keeps telling family members (she won't say it to my face) that she wants to stand out and be noticed. Our wedding should be about my fiance and I jointing our lives. It shouldn't be about my friggin mother in a cherry red dress being the center of attention.

It won't be about her. It's YOUR wedding. Just stop.

[Deleted User] · November 2014

Knottie65235731 said:

I care if she wears red because the color palette is pale and in the blue-green family. I feel it will stick out n the photos. But more than that it's the reason behind it. She keeps telling family members (she won't say it to my face) that she wants to stand out and be noticed. Our wedding should be about my fiance and I jointing our lives. It shouldn't be about my friggin mother in a cherry red dress being the center of attention.

Print any photos of your mother in black and white. Cherry red dress problem solved.

OliveOilsMom · November 2014

Your color palatte doesn't matter. Your only responsibilty in picking out any attire is for the Wedding Party. Your mom is not in the wedding party. So you have no say in your moms' attire or any other parent/sibling who attends your wedding unless they are in the WP. And you, as the bride, in the big white/ivory/blush, etc gown, will be the center of attention.

southernbelle0915 · November 2014

Our colors were navy, ivory and kermit green. MIL wore a pale yellow collared dress - like dress, shoes, purse, hat. My mom wore a dark blue, almost purple satin dress with crystal broach. FIL (a reader) wore a bright orange tie. My uncle (also a reader) wore black jeans, a T-shirt, an old blazer and a baseball hat.

Our pictures look awesome. All in color thankyouverymuch.

No one has to match your color scheme. If this is a problem for you, you're doing the wedding thing wrong.

Viczaesar · November 2014

Knottie65235731 said:

I care if she wears red because the color palette is pale and in the blue-green family. I feel it will stick out n the photos. But more than that it's the reason behind it. She keeps telling family members (she won't say it to my face) that she wants to stand out and be noticed. Our wedding should be about my fiance and I jointing our lives. It shouldn't be about my friggin mother in a cherry red dress being the center of attention.

Tough titties said the kitty, but the milk's still good.

short+sassy · November 2014

Ironically, my wedding colors were red and white (my wedding dress had a lot of red embroidery through it) and my mom wore a beautiful top/skirt in a color pattern that sound like your wedding colors. The pictures with my mom looked great! Sure, the colors weren't all matchy-matchy, but they certainly didn't look weird together.

I promise you, you are the BRIDE, you and your groom will be the center of attention. She won't stand out for wearing a red dress. And if she does anything wacky to be the "center of attention" it will just make her look bad and ridiculous.

mrscomposer · November 2014

My mom wore green, my dad wore red (dress uniform), my sister was in royal blue (MOH), her husband wore a black suit with a pale greenish-yellow shirt, my brother wore a purple shirt. My in-laws were all in black.

Our pictures looked friggin' fantastic.

The only issue I see with your original post is that your mom is giving you negative feedback on what you're sharing with her - PP's told you what to do: stop sharing with her.

tammym1001 · November 2014

My wedding colors were wine, ivory, champagne, and gold. My SS wore a bright orange bow tie and my SMIL wore an electric blue dress with neon green trim. My pictures look amazing! You're being ridiculous about the color of her dress. Nobody cares if the entire family matches your color scheme or not.

XrebeccaX · November 2014

Haters gonna hate and moms are gonna mom. Sorry you're going through this but not everyone lucks out in the mom lottery.

Honestly, and I say this in a friendly tone, let go of the red dress. I understand that it seems like a big deal now but it won't, I promise you, seem like a big deal on your wedding day unless of course you let it. It is weird that she is saying she wants to "stand out" and be noticed but that is her problem and not yours. It's your wedding day and everyone will be excited for you! She'll be special too because she's the MOB. So everyone's happy.

People get Ideas about how other's people's weddings should be - I didn't have a wedding cake and some people acted like it was a personal assault on their having had a wedding cake. I mean really? What I'm saying is that you can't control people's reactions to your choices, so don't try to. Let her natter on about the red dress if that's what she wants to do.

My mom was not negative about my wedding but she also didn't often seem very excited about it. During the ceremony I looked over at her and she had no expression on her face - none. I know she was happy for us, but that is just her. It didn't diminish my day in the least.

How to deal with a negative mother

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