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Asking the wedding party to not give gifts.

afterimageafterimage member
100 Comments 25 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper
in Wedding Etiquette Forum
Hi all,

Just a gift-receiving etiquette question.  Do the wedding party members normally give wedding gifts to the bride and groom?  Whether or not they do, I really don't want our wedding party to give us any gifts.  They have all been so awesome and supportive and have done enough for us already.  It it proper etiquette and not weird for me to ask them all (soon, I guess, since our wedding is about 2 months away!) to not get us a gift?

Thank you!
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Re: Asking the wedding party to not give gifts.

  • SteffJaySteffJay member
    10 Comments 5 Love Its First Anniversary
    Since giving a gift isn't required in the first place, I think it would be awkward to tell them not to. It would be like "I assume you are going to get us a gift, but please don't." The assumption makes it seem icky.

    Just don't say anything. It's their personal choice if they want to give a gift.
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  • novella1186novella1186 member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    I don't think it's necessary to specifically say "Don't give us a gift." I think this is one of those things that you just leave alone and let them do what they want. Sometimes no one in the WP gives a gift, sometimes only 1 or 2 of them do, sometimes they all do. It just depends on the group and on their individual gift-giving preferences. 

    Here's the trouble I see: When you say "it's ok, don't give us a gift" some people see that as you implying that gifts had been expected. Know what I mean? If they want to do it they will anyway. If they don't want to, they won't anyway. 
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    I think that although your heart is in the right place, it's just not your place to tell anyone not to give you a gift for two reasons:

    1) It makes you look as though you were "expecting" gifts which is improper.  You're not entitled to gifts.

    2) It assumes that you have a right to control what other people do with their own money, time, and resources.  This isn't the case.

    If you decide not to keep a gift you have already received, you're certainly entitled to dispose of it discreetly, but if you haven't received it, I think you need to not say anything.
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  • AddieCakeAddieCake member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    Just leave it alone. Don't tell people what to do regarding gifts.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • stephteddystephteddy member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment
    I agree with PPs. Don't say anything - it implies that you are expecting it in some way.

    The exception is if they ask something along the lines of "what can I get you for your wedding." Then I think it's okay to say you don't expect anything from them and feel as if they've already contributed so much to your big day.
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  • Blue_BirdBlue_Bird member
    Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments First Answer
    Also, some people (like me) get really excited about gift-giving and plan it for a long time. This might just disappoint them. Leave it alone.
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  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    AddieCake said:
    Just leave it alone. Don't tell people what to do regarding gifts.
    This. 
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  • OnionBreathOnionBreath member
    100 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary First Answer
    I don't like it when I'm given guidelines regarding my activity either. It's just not necessary.
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  • JellyBean52513JellyBean52513 member
    Eighth Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments First Answer
    Blue_Bird said:
    Also, some people (like me) get really excited about gift-giving and plan it for a long time. This might just disappoint them. Leave it alone.
    I second this point. I LOVE giving gifts, I put a ton of thought into the gift itself as well as my execution of giving it. If you told me not to get you anything as a wedding gift, I probably wouldn't even listen to you because I would really want to give you something special. Remember, people are going to do what they want to do no matter what you try to tell them lol
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  • afterimageafterimage member
    100 Comments 25 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper
    Thank you all.  As usual, lots of good advice! I am so glad I found these boards when we first got engaged.
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  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    afterimage said:
    Hi all,

    Just a gift-receiving etiquette question.  Do the wedding party members normally give wedding gifts to the bride and groom?  Whether or not they do, I really don't want our wedding party to give us any gifts.  They have all been so awesome and supportive and have done enough for us already.  It it proper etiquette and not weird for me to ask them all (soon, I guess, since our wedding is about 2 months away!) to not get us a gift?

    Thank you!
    Agree with PPs.  Don't say anything.




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  • tammym1001tammym1001 member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    I know you already said you weren't going to say anything, but I also wanted to add that if I'm close enough to be in someone's wedding party then that person is really important to me and I'm probably going to get them something special. I would be disappointed if they told me not to because I already spent so much money to be in there wedding. Being in your wedding is an honor, not a gift.
    image
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  • caitieharrison94caitieharrison94 member
    Third Anniversary 10 Comments
    When I asked my bridesmaids to be in  my wedding party, I gave them each a packet of info about their dresses, our wedding, and stuff like that. I also gave them a sheet that described their role as a bridesmaid. On it, I put "Please do not feel the need to buy us a shower, bachelorette, or wedding gift. Your presence on our day and in our lives is the best gift we could ask for." It's a good way to put it because it doesn't assume they were going to buy you a gift, but also asks for them not to buy you one in case they WERE thinking about it.
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  • redoryxredoryx member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    caitieharrison94 said:
    When I asked my bridesmaids to be in  my wedding party, I gave them each a packet of info about their dresses, our wedding, and stuff like that. I also gave them a sheet that described their role as a bridesmaid. On it, I put "Please do not feel the need to buy us a shower, bachelorette, or wedding gift. Your presence on our day and in our lives is the best gift we could ask for." It's a good way to put it because it doesn't assume they were going to buy you a gift, but also asks for them not to buy you one in case they WERE thinking about it.
    No. The point isn't that you don't want to assume they are going to give you a gift. The point is to assume that you shouldn't expect any gifts. From anyone -- wedding party, family, friends, co-workers, etc. The only exception is if you have a shower as that is a gift giving event, but aside from that nobody is required to buy you a gift and even mentioning gifts -- and especially mentioning somebody not giving you one -- implies that you were expecting/anticipating gifts.

    I'm also confused on how you were able to tell the bridesmaids what dress to buy before even asking them to be your bridesmaids. How did you know their budget for dresses? (Unless you're buying them for them but I'm going to go ahead and guess not but I'd love for you to prove me wrong.)
    image
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  • indianaalumindianaalum member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    caitieharrison94 said:
    When I asked my bridesmaids to be in  my wedding party, I gave them each a packet of info about their dresses, our wedding, and stuff like that. I also gave them a sheet that described their role as a bridesmaid. On it, I put "Please do not feel the need to buy us a shower, bachelorette, or wedding gift. Your presence on our day and in our lives is the best gift we could ask for." It's a good way to put it because it doesn't assume they were going to buy you a gift, but also asks for them not to buy you one in case they WERE thinking about it.
    can u be anymore of diva??? WOW

    Apologize to your friends now, and for heaven's sake, don't do this again to them.

    I sure hope their role as a bridesmaid did NOT have anything other than show up sober and wear  a dress. if it had ANY duties at all, you have risked friendships already
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  • mikenbergermikenberger member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    caitieharrison94 said:

    When I asked my bridesmaids to be in  my wedding party, I gave them each a packet of info about their dresses, our wedding, and stuff like that. I also gave them a sheet that described their role as a bridesmaid. On it, I put "Please do not feel the need to buy us a shower, bachelorette, or wedding gift. Your presence on our day and in our lives is the best gift we could ask for." It's a good way to put it because it doesn't assume they were going to buy you a gift, but also asks for them not to buy you one in case they WERE thinking about it.

    You are the worst.

    image
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  • IamnowmrsjmsIamnowmrsjms member
    Fourth Anniversary 100 Love Its 100 Comments First Answer
    Agree with PP's comments in reply to OP and ZILLA caitieharrison OMG-I'd be running for the hills if I ever received an instruction packet on my role as a BM. WTF?!?
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  • amelishaamelisha member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    Holy crap, I thought the other thread she'd started was bad with the budget dresses...this reply is even crazier. 

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
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