Lots of acquaintances and a small wedding

Re: Lots of acquaintances and a small wedding

• Viczaesar member

  

  November 2014

  Knottie73929100 said:

  My fiance and I have a large network of acquaintances, mostly because of our work. It has become very clear since we got engaged that they are expecting to be invited to our wedding. We have both worked in the same industry and city for about 8 years, so we have known a lot of these people for a pretty long time but we wouldn't consider them our close friends.

  
  

  We are paying for the wedding by ourselves and realistically can't afford to have more than about 100 people. We have done a good  job cutting our guest list to about 80 people, leaving us a little wiggle room. If we included these work friends the list would probably be around 250+ or so.

  
  

  I would like to find a way to include these people somehow in our wedding without tripling our guest list. A co-worker in the same predicament did a pre-wedding party (not exactly an engagement party though) and it was basically an open invite to an upscale bar. I don't think they paid for any of the drinks, but maybe had some passed hor d'oeuvres and a few bottles of champagne. I thought it was a nice idea, but know that I am considering planning something like this for my fiance and I, I am feeling really unclear about how to do this and not be totally tacky about it. (Come to our engagement party! But you're not invited to the wedding!)

  
  

  I know the simple answer is to just say we are having a small wedding with family only and then not worry about it from there, but if there was some way to include all these people with out breaking the budget I would love to hear it!

  
  Tacky is not the right word, rude is. You cannot invite people to wedding-related events and not invite them to the wedding itself, no exceptions. People understand that you can't invite everyone under the sun to your wedding. Don't talk about your wedding with people who are not invited, and if they bring it up deflect. If anyone is rude enough to ask if they're invited you can simply say that unfortunately you are unable to invite everybody you'd like to and leave it at that.

  
  
  
  

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• lc07 member

  

  November 2014

  Vic is correct. You cannot do this without being rude.

  
  

  If you can afford appetizers and champagne for the whole group plus a wedding, why not just have your wedding at a non meal time and do apps and champagne (and non alcoholic drinks) for everyone?

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• CMGragain member

  

  November 2014

  Have your wedding at 2:00PM and serve appetizers, cake, and punch (Champagne punch?).  This is perfectly proper, and you can afford it.  Instead of a DJ, hire a string quartet.  (Ask your local high school!) 
  

  

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• LondonLisa member

  

  November 2014

  How would you feel if I sent you an invite that said: I can't invite you to my actual birthday, but come pay for your own drinks at my 'pre-birthday' event. Even though I may not say it outright, you should still feel obligated to buy me a gift. Thanks for being a D-list friend!" It is SO much worse than just not being invited to the wedding. And if these are business contacts, I would seriously reconsider conducting business with such thoughtless people. 

  
  

  The invitation rule is: would you pay to take this person out to dinner at the most expensive restaurant in town one on one? I have a lot of business friends that I thought I had to invite, but then I thought: although we are friendly, we have never been invited to their house for dinner nor them ours one on one. 

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• MGP member

  

  November 2014 edited November 2014

  Knottie73929100 said:

  A co-worker in the same predicament did a pre-wedding party (not exactly an engagement party though) and it was basically an open invite to an upscale bar. I don't think they paid for any of the drinks, but maybe had some passed hor d'oeuvres and a few bottles of champagne

  
  What your coworker did was incredibly rude. That speaks volumes on how they treat people and not in a good way. "You aren't invited to the main event but come celebrate ME at this consolation prize party and oh by the way bring money to pay for your own bar tab". I bet they expected gifts too. No thank you. If I was invited to something like this I would immediately end the relationship and not do business with that person again. 

  
  

  Seriously people should know that guest lists have their limit due to budget and space. Anyone who asks or expects an invite is rude as well. The rule that we used was if we hadn't done something with them socially outside of work sponsored events they were not invited. London Lisa's rule of taking them to dinner or inviting to your home is good too. You lean quickly there is a difference between being friendly with someone, and being friends.

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• blabla89 member

  

  November 2014

  Unfortunately there is no polite way to include people in wedding-related events without inviting them to the wedding itself. What this says is, "we like you, but not enough to invite you to our wedding."
  
  Do you actually want all these people to be at your wedding? Would your wedding day would be incomplete without them? Or do you only want to include them because they expect to be included? For someone to assume or expect that they'll be invited to your wedding is rude of them. You do not need to include them in any of your wedding-related events. If they say something about it, you say, "we're having a small wedding," bean dip and repeat as necessary.
  

  

  
  
  

  
  

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• novella1186 member

  

  November 2014

  blabla89 said:

  Unfortunately there is no polite way to include people in wedding-related events without inviting them to the wedding itself. What this says is, "we like you, but not enough to invite you to our wedding."
  
  Do you actually want all these people to be at your wedding? Would your wedding day would be incomplete without them? Or do you only want to include them because they expect to be included? For someone to assume or expect that they'll be invited to your wedding is rude of them. You do not need to include them in any of your wedding-related events. If they say something about it, you say, "we're having a small wedding," bean dip and repeat as necessary.
  

  The bolded. We did a great job keeping our guest list down until I started feeling obligated to invite people because they expected it or nagged me about it. I added their names to the list, and it was well beyond what we could afford. Then I realized I was doing the wrong thing. I don't OWE anyone an invitation, especially people I'm not close with. I think you're in the same boat that I was in. 

  
  

  It's nice that you want to include them, but either actually invite them to the wedding (which I think is a bad idea because it's your wedding and you're keeping it small so you have every right to not invite them) or just don't include them at all. As PPs have said, you can't invite people to pre-wedding parties to celebrate you but then not invite them to the wedding because it's rude and would likely hurt people's feelings. 

  
  

  Just do you and don't worry about the acquantances. 

  

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• climbingsingle member

  

  November 2014

  Agree with the rest of the posters. What your co-worker did was extremely rude. Either tell these people (if they ask) that it's a small family wedding, or change your wedding plans to accommodate 250 people.  

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• thisismynickname2 member

  

  November 2014

  The advice above is accurate.

  
  

  I'll also add, for what it's worth, that it's not entirely clear if you are struggling with current coworkers or an actual network of clients.  If it's coworkers, I also don't know what your corporate culture is like. A lot of workplaces like to throw parties for their coworkers.  It's perfectly ok if your coworkers choose to throw you a little party while not being invited to the wedding.  (You cannot suggest this to them... if it happens, it's great, and you're under no obligation to invite them still.)  My workplace is like this; there're surprise parties with fair frequency around here, which is fun. Cake! 

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• Fairyjen1 member

  

  November 2014

       We were in a similar situation. We both do community theater and it felt like everyone who did a show with us in the last 5 years (and we've been in a lot of shows!) felt they were entitled to an invite. We made the tough call and did an immediate family only wedding. I know some were dissapointed, but most understood that we couldn't have everyone. Keeping it to family only helped some, I think, rather than inviting some and not others. We only had a couple get really upset and say we owed them a big party. 

  
  

       It may be tough, but stick to your guns. Most people will understand even if they are implying they should be invited. If an acquaintance gets bent out of shape for not being invited you probably don't want to be closer to them anyway.

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• MGP member

  

  November 2014

  ClimbingBrideNY said:

  Agree with the rest of the posters. What your co-worker did was extremely rude. Either tell these people (if they ask) that it's a small family wedding, or change your wedding plans to accommodate 250 people.  

  Agreed. Just to build on this - what if OP actually invited everyone? She said her list is at 80 people. Having 250 would be roughly two thirds coworker/acquaintance/clients and presumably their SO's. That seems like an odd ratio and the priorities appear to be out of whack. If I was a family member or close friend I would be extremely hurt if I was cut to accomodate a coworker. Just my two cents.

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• novella1186 member

  

  November 2014

  MGP said:

  Agree with the rest of the posters. What your co-worker did was extremely rude. Either tell these people (if they ask) that it's a small family wedding, or change your wedding plans to accommodate 250 people.  

  Agreed. Just to build on this - what if OP actually invited everyone? She said her list is at 80 people. Having 250 would be roughly two thirds coworker/acquaintance/clients and presumably their SO's. That seems like an odd ratio and the priorities appear to be out of whack. If I was a family member or close friend I would be extremely hurt if I was cut to accomodate a coworker. Just my two cents.

  This is a really good point. By then it would be more about a work function than about OP's and her FI's wedding.
  

  

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• MGP member

  

  November 2014 edited November 2014

  novella1186 said:

  MGP said:

  Agree with the rest of the posters. What your co-worker did was extremely rude. Either tell these people (if they ask) that it's a small family wedding, or change your wedding plans to accommodate 250 people.  

  Agreed. Just to build on this - what if OP actually invited everyone? She said her list is at 80 people. Having 250 would be roughly two thirds coworker/acquaintance/clients and presumably their SO's. That seems like an odd ratio and the priorities appear to be out of whack. If I was a family member or close friend I would be extremely hurt if I was cut to accomodate a coworker. Just my two cents.

  This is a really good point. By then it would be more about a work function than about OP's and her FI's wedding.
  

  
  Numbers wise it would be about 170 people or about 85ish couples safely assuming SO's or a +1 was invited with every guest. OP stated most of these people are not close friends so I am (again safely) assuming she does not know their SO's very well or at all. That's a lot of people to host whom you do not know, just because they are asking for or feel entitled to an invite.

  
  

  I would NEVER say don't invite SO's but again to have the majority of your guest list be acquaintances sprinkled in with a few family and friends seems odd to me. It should be the other way around. Honestly it doesn't even sound like a wedding at that point. More like a glorified work party.

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• Jen4948 member

  

  November 2014

  If you're not going to invite them to your wedding, you can't "include" them by inviting them to anything wedding-related.  Sorry.
  

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