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Friends of Friends (How to extend a reception only invitation)

smallsandherculessmallsandhercules member
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in Wedding Invitations & Paper
First post, and this is a snarky problem. Yipes.

I'm getting married September 5th of 2015. The groom and I both have pretty sizable families that we're both close to, and our guest list is already at about 200 for a space that can hold 175 people for the ceremony and 350 for the reception.

I have a small group of friends that I've known since high school. This group knew me during my previous relationship, which ended a couple of years ago. They're all in contact with both me and my ex, which is a non-issue for most of them. The two ladies are my bridesmaids. The men I am not as close with, but most are invited to the wedding.

The trouble is with one particular man. I've known him just as long as everyone else, but I consider him an acquaintance. I wouldn't ask him for a ride to work, for example. He's understood to be generally irresponsible, and a sloppy drinker. He's also made it clear that when my previous relationship ended, he "chose" my ex. We could both happily go about our lives vaguely knowing one another, but my guest list has become an issue among the other friends. 

When I didn't get an invite to his recent co-ed baby shower, I made the mistake of casually mentioning to a bridesmaid that I probably didn't need to worry about inviting him to my wedding anymore. She was shocked, asked me if I was serious, and became further upset when I said he probably wouldn't even mind, since we didn't know each other that well. Then it came up the next time I was with my bridesmaids and one of their husbands. 

I feel like I'm being a jerk for not inviting someone to my wedding that I don't really want there, and will only come to hang out with his buddies and drink free booze (it's in our mutual hometown). At this point I've been guilted enough that while I'm certain I don't want him and his girlfriend to take spaces that I want for family at the ceremony, or seats at dinner, I feel like I have to extend a reception-only invitation. For just this one guy.

I'm probably just venting, but does anyone have assurance, advice, or a reality check for me? I know one guy seems like it shouldn't even matter, but that's two family members I'd have to remove for him, two dinners I'd have to pay for, and one huge frustration for being pressured into inviting someone who won't have happy wishes for me and my fiancee.
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Re: Friends of Friends (How to extend a reception only invitation)

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    AddieCakeAddieCake member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    If you don't want him there, dont invite him, but it would be inappropriate to only invite him to the reception. Unless you are having a TINY ceremony guest list, all people invited should be invited to both.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    mikenbergermikenberger member
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    So you made the off hand remark that you weren't invited to someone's baby shower... that you didnt even want to go to/you don't care for the father of the child? Saaaaaay what?

    You don't have to invite anybody to the reception you don't want to. If you don't feel like sharing your day with him, seems like its a non issue. If your friends think he should be invited, tell them to get married and throw a reception he can come to. But no more offhand remarks about him not inviting you to things :)

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    Jen4948Jen4948 member
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    edited November 2014
    I wouldn't invite him.  You don't owe him an invitation just because other friends of yours are friends of his-especially if he hasn't been a good friend to you.  But I agree with @AddieCake that if you're not going to invite him to the wedding, I wouldn't invite him to the reception either.

    But don't discuss your guest list anymore, and if someone asks, tell them that you're still working it out but you'd prefer not to discuss it.
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    AddieCakeAddieCake member
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    Definitely also agree it is odd that you used the lack of baby shower invitation as a reason not to invite him.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    smallsandherculessmallsandhercules member
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    edited November 2014
    It came up more organically than it sounds. A bridesmaid lives out of state, so when she visited we were rapid fire discussing anything and everything, the baby shower that day and how my planning was going included.

    I'm being catty about the baby shower and I know it, but it was a clear slight. It was co-ed, and held at a bar with dozens of people, including from what I was told, work acquaintances met weeks ago. I was the only one of the group of seven people who regularly see one another not extended an invite. Again, I know I'm taking it pretty personally, but I took it as a sign that he would be alright cutting ties, and that he was doing so somewhat purposely. The trouble is that our mutual friends are shocked that I'm alright doing the same.

    Thank you for the advice. I guess I'm surprised that dinner/reception only invites as a whole are considered in poor taste, but that's very good to know. 
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    theartistformerlyknownastheartistformerlyknownas member
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    smallsandhercules said:
    It came up more organically than it sounds. A bridesmaid lives out of state, so when she visited we were rapid fire discussing anything and everything, the baby shower that day and how my planning was going included.

    I'm being catty about the baby shower and I know it, but it was a clear slight. It was co-ed, and held at a bar with dozens of people, including from what I was told, work acquaintances met weeks ago. I was the only one of the group of seven people who regularly see one another not extended an invite. Again, I know I'm taking it pretty personally, but I took it as a sign that he would be alright cutting ties, and that he was doing so somewhat purposely. The trouble is that our mutual friends are shocked that I'm alright doing the same.

    Thank you for the advice. I guess I'm surprised that dinner/reception only invites as a whole are considered in poor taste, but that's very good to know. 
    I'm glad you're taking this advice to heart, because it is a very big deal. The ceremony is the important part! To basically say to someone "you're important enough to me to come to the party and bring me a gift, but not important enough to see me get married" is really hurtful. I know with as much emphasis is placed on the reception it's easy to think "they should be grateful, they're getting the expensive half! Free food and booze!" but that's really backwards. 

    Weddings are a total package - you're either invited to both or not at all. Sounds like you should just cut this guy - especially since you're already over your 175 limit. Stop discussing the guest list with your friends - unless they're paying, it's none of their business.
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    Jen4948Jen4948 member
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    smallsandhercules said:
    It came up more organically than it sounds. A bridesmaid lives out of state, so when she visited we were rapid fire discussing anything and everything, the baby shower that day and how my planning was going included.

    I'm being catty about the baby shower and I know it, but it was a clear slight. It was co-ed, and held at a bar with dozens of people, including from what I was told, work acquaintances met weeks ago. I was the only one of the group of seven people who regularly see one another not extended an invite. Again, I know I'm taking it pretty personally, but I took it as a sign that he would be alright cutting ties, and that he was doing so somewhat purposely. The trouble is that our mutual friends are shocked that I'm alright doing the same.

    Thank you for the advice. I guess I'm surprised that dinner/reception only invites as a whole are considered in poor taste, but that's very good to know. 
    Given that the bolded isn't in particularly good taste (a baby shower at a BAR??? with brand new acquaintances???) I'd consider yourself as having dodged a bullet.
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    ViczaesarViczaesar member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Jen4948 said:
    smallsandhercules said:
    It came up more organically than it sounds. A bridesmaid lives out of state, so when she visited we were rapid fire discussing anything and everything, the baby shower that day and how my planning was going included.

    I'm being catty about the baby shower and I know it, but it was a clear slight. It was co-ed, and held at a bar with dozens of people, including from what I was told, work acquaintances met weeks ago. I was the only one of the group of seven people who regularly see one another not extended an invite. Again, I know I'm taking it pretty personally, but I took it as a sign that he would be alright cutting ties, and that he was doing so somewhat purposely. The trouble is that our mutual friends are shocked that I'm alright doing the same.

    Thank you for the advice. I guess I'm surprised that dinner/reception only invites as a whole are considered in poor taste, but that's very good to know. 
    Given that the bolded isn't in particularly good taste (a baby shower at a BAR??? with brand new acquaintances???) I'd consider yourself as having dodged a bullet.
    There's nothing necessarily distasteful about having a shower at a bar, unless it's unhosted.



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    weddingcactusweddingcactus member
    First Anniversary Name Dropper 5 Love Its First Answer
    smallsandhercules said:
    It came up more organically than it sounds. A bridesmaid lives out of state, so when she visited we were rapid fire discussing anything and everything, the baby shower that day and how my planning was going included.

    I'm being catty about the baby shower and I know it, but it was a clear slight. It was co-ed, and held at a bar with dozens of people, including from what I was told, work acquaintances met weeks ago. I was the only one of the group of seven people who regularly see one another not extended an invite. Again, I know I'm taking it pretty personally, but I took it as a sign that he would be alright cutting ties, and that he was doing so somewhat purposely. The trouble is that our mutual friends are shocked that I'm alright doing the same.

    Thank you for the advice. I guess I'm surprised that dinner/reception only invites as a whole are considered in poor taste, but that's very good to know. 
    I am a little confused. You say you do not care for this man and do not wish to invite him to your wedding. Yet you are taking it as a personal slight that he did not invite you to a baby shower? Why? Only invite people to your wedding that you (or whoever else is paying) want at the wedding. And yes, it's rude and hurtful to do a tiered wedding where some people are only invited for some of the event. How would you feel if you knew 150+ people were invited to a wedding ceremony and dinner and you (and maybe a handful of other losers) were only invited for drinks? 
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    smallsandherculessmallsandhercules member
    First Comment
    edited November 2014
    Well, yes. I imagine these are the natural growing pains of growing apart from people you knew in high school. It's frustrating and confusing, and that's why I asked for advice. I'm grateful for what I've received.

    I also have been invited to a wedding as a reception only guest. A woman I was in a bridal party with (the sister of the groom, who I don't know very well) invited myself and another girl to her wedding a year later. We just happened to bump into one another for the invitation. She was up front that she thought we would liven up the dance floor. We had fun getting dressed up, danced the night away, and everyone went home happy. Hence my confusion. Now that I know most people don't appear to see it that way, I'll proceed as advised.
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    kaos16kaos16 member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    Can we discuss again the fact that you already plan to invite 200 people to a wedding ceremony in a space that can only accommodate 175?!  Please rethink this.  You need a bigger space, or a smaller guest list!  
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    smallsandherculessmallsandhercules member
    First Comment
    It's on my mind, I promise. I'm currently trying to convince the venue to allow me to bring some large benches. It's outdoors, and we have a rustic theme, so they should work. If that doesn't pan out, I've got more ugly cuts to make. 
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    MairePoppyMairePoppy mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its

    @scribe95. Her reception venue has 'space,' which I took to mean seating, for 350 people.

                       
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    smallsandherculessmallsandhercules member
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    Yes. Ceremony only has seating for 175, but as it is outdoors it has the potential to expand slightly if they'll allow it. Reception hall at the same location has space and seating for up to 350. 
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    [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer First Comment
    I'd side eye a baby shower at a bar... I also am wondering why you keep bringing up the ex.dunno why it matters. So your friends are friends with him.. either you are friends with someone or you aren't... You invite them or you dont? Sounds like you two have a mutual dislike. I have circles I'm in but wouldnt call them all friends. It's ok. It happens.  You didn't mention if you'd also be including his child since he just had one. I am also very confused why the husbands care who you invite.. this whole thing sounds strange.
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    annakay511annakay511 member
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    Definitely don't invite him. If you aren't close enough to him and his wife to be invited to their baby shower (you are right that it was a clear slight you weren't invited) then he definitely is not someone to invite to your wedding. I'm surprised your friends are giving you a hard time about this, but to be honest, its none of their business who you invite or not (whether they are BM or not!). I would just drop the subject with them. And, don't invite this friend of a friend!
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    huskypuppy14huskypuppy14 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    RachelLee83 said:
    I'd side eye a baby shower at a bar... I also am wondering why you keep bringing up the ex.dunno why it matters. So your friends are friends with him.. either you are friends with someone or you aren't... You invite them or you dont? Sounds like you two have a mutual dislike. I have circles I'm in but wouldnt call them all friends. It's ok. It happens.  You didn't mention if you'd also be including his child since he just had one. I am also very confused why the husbands care who you invite.. this whole thing sounds strange.
    She has no obligation to invite his child, only his wife if she decides to invite him.

    People need to realize they are not invited to everything.  Weddings are expensive, and not everyone is invited. It's life. Your friends really need to mind their own business. 

    I wasn't invited to a wedding of a friend, when everyone else in our "circle" was invited. I am sort of on the outskirts of this friend's circle, so I didn't feel bad. I'm friends more with her BFF than I am with her, but I invited her to my wedding, no hard feelings at all. 


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