XP: Same-sex marriage-- two ceremonies...

twojunebrides · November 2014

Okay. This is a bit of a long question.

FI and I met at college in a state that does not have marriage equality. We currently live in that same state. We decided to have our wedding on campus at the college we met at---knowing that we wouldn't be able to have a legal ceremony there. But it is what we consider home, near our guests, has meaning to us... And we absolutely love both or ceremony and reception venue.

Anyway, a neighboring state does have marriage equality. And we intend on making our marriage legal by traveling across the state line to sign our liscence and say whatever legal things need to be said. The state line is literally 3 miles from our venue. We would have gotten married across the state boarder if there was a venue that could fit our needs. There is not. So now, we have this situation.

The legal part of our day is very important to me and FI, but so is the ceremony we will be having on our college campus. We will need to bring our witnesses, officiant, and I would like to bring our photographer. I guess anyone else isn't necessary. We had originally discussed having immediate family (FI mom and dad, and three brothers, my mom and stepdad and three brothers, and FI's grandmother.) We didn't think this was too much.. but we met with our officiant and she seemed to think it was a bad idea and said that it would be a shame for us to drag all these people across the boarder for a two-minute ordeal.

It feels like SO much more than that to me though. And I tried to talk to my mom about it, but she keeps saying that she only cares about my "real" ceremony... meaning the one on campus. Yes, that one is important to me, but the legal one is too.

I guess I just dont' know what to do. I hate that I can't just have the legal shit happen at our ceremony. It seems like nobody besides FI and I even care about the legal part.. so maybe I shouldn't make a big deal about it.

Help. What do you think?

lilacck28 · November 2014

If it's 3 miles, would it really be that hard for them to just drive over there and witness the legal ceremony as well? If it's important to you that these what, 8 people?, come with you I don't really understand why they wouldn't... (ETA: I totally understand why the legal aspect is important to you! It should be!)

If it was more than 3 miles, I could see why it would be a hassle... but... 3 miles! 10 minute drive? I don't get it!

ETA: and if the officiant doesn't want to come, can you go to the court house and use someone else or something?

Maggie0829 · November 2014

Yes, it does suck immensely that you aren't provided the right to have your legal ceremony take place in the same location as your wedding ceremony. And I think it is kind of horrible that your Mom thinks that your wedding ceremony is more important then the one that legally binds you and your SO.

I also think your officiant is kind of sucky. Signing that certificate is very important, especially for the gay community who has faught so hard and is still fighting to get those rights and the fact that your Mom and your officiant are diminishing that part is sad. Have you considered getting legally married a few days prior to your wedding day? This way you and your FI can bring those that you are closest to you to witness your legal ceremony and you won't have to worry about "dragging" those who don't seem to care about that aspect.

But I do think you should be excited and happy and make a big deal out of the fact that you and your FI are getting legally wed. That is very important and you have every right to be excited about it. Don't let others diminish it.

twojunebrides said:

Okay. This is a bit of a long question.

FI and I met at college in a state that does not have marriage equality. We currently live in that same state. We decided to have our wedding on campus at the college we met at---knowing that we wouldn't be able to have a legal ceremony there. But it is what we consider home, near our guests, has meaning to us... And we absolutely love both or ceremony and reception venue.

Anyway, a neighboring state does have marriage equality. And we intend on making our marriage legal by traveling across the state line to sign our liscence and say whatever legal things need to be said. The state line is literally 3 miles from our venue. We would have gotten married across the state boarder if there was a venue that could fit our needs. There is not. So now, we have this situation.

The legal part of our day is very important to me and FI, but so is the ceremony we will be having on our college campus. We will need to bring our witnesses, officiant, and I would like to bring our photographer. I guess anyone else isn't necessary. We had originally discussed having immediate family (FI mom and dad, and three brothers, my mom and stepdad and three brothers, and FI's grandmother.) We didn't think this was too much.. but we met with our officiant and she seemed to think it was a bad idea and said that it would be a shame for us to drag all these people across the boarder for a two-minute ordeal.

It feels like SO much more than that to me though. And I tried to talk to my mom about it, but she keeps saying that she only cares about my "real" ceremony... meaning the one on campus. Yes, that one is important to me, but the legal one is too.

I guess I just dont' know what to do. I hate that I can't just have the legal shit happen at our ceremony. It seems like nobody besides FI and I even care about the legal part.. so maybe I shouldn't make a big deal about it.

Help. What do you think?

QueerFemme · November 2014

twojunebrides said:

Okay. This is a bit of a long question.

FI and I met at college in a state that does not have marriage equality. We currently live in that same state. We decided to have our wedding on campus at the college we met at---knowing that we wouldn't be able to have a legal ceremony there. But it is what we consider home, near our guests, has meaning to us... And we absolutely love both or ceremony and reception venue.

Anyway, a neighboring state does have marriage equality. And we intend on making our marriage legal by traveling across the state line to sign our liscence and say whatever legal things need to be said. The state line is literally 3 miles from our venue. We would have gotten married across the state boarder if there was a venue that could fit our needs. There is not. So now, we have this situation.

The legal part of our day is very important to me and FI, but so is the ceremony we will be having on our college campus. We will need to bring our witnesses, officiant, and I would like to bring our photographer. I guess anyone else isn't necessary. We had originally discussed having immediate family (FI mom and dad, and three brothers, my mom and stepdad and three brothers, and FI's grandmother.) We didn't think this was too much.. but we met with our officiant and she seemed to think it was a bad idea and said that it would be a shame for us to drag all these people across the boarder for a two-minute ordeal.

It feels like SO much more than that to me though. And I tried to talk to my mom about it, but she keeps saying that she only cares about my "real" ceremony... meaning the one on campus. Yes, that one is important to me, but the legal one is too.

I guess I just dont' know what to do. I hate that I can't just have the legal shit happen at our ceremony. It seems like nobody besides FI and I even care about the legal part.. so maybe I shouldn't make a big deal about it.

Help. What do you think?

So.... I have personal experience with this.

My thoughts are, bring whoever wants to come with you to your legal ceremony.Maybe 2 or so, but less than 10. I know it's a big deal to you, and you are welcome to ask your immediate family if they'd like to join you, but don't make a big deal if they say no.

Also, I would suggest doing it either the day before, or the day after your college campus wedding. You don't want the added stress of trying to travel across state lines before or after your campus wedding. There will be a lot going on, and that is just one added stresser and complication. If you really do want it on the same day, I'd maybe see if you can get ready really early, and use that as your "first look".

Also, make sure your officiant has legal standing to officiate in the neighboring state.

Good luck

Maggie0829 · November 2014

QueerFemme said:

twojunebrides said:

Okay. This is a bit of a long question.

FI and I met at college in a state that does not have marriage equality. We currently live in that same state. We decided to have our wedding on campus at the college we met at---knowing that we wouldn't be able to have a legal ceremony there. But it is what we consider home, near our guests, has meaning to us... And we absolutely love both or ceremony and reception venue.

Anyway, a neighboring state does have marriage equality. And we intend on making our marriage legal by traveling across the state line to sign our liscence and say whatever legal things need to be said. The state line is literally 3 miles from our venue. We would have gotten married across the state boarder if there was a venue that could fit our needs. There is not. So now, we have this situation.

The legal part of our day is very important to me and FI, but so is the ceremony we will be having on our college campus. We will need to bring our witnesses, officiant, and I would like to bring our photographer. I guess anyone else isn't necessary. We had originally discussed having immediate family (FI mom and dad, and three brothers, my mom and stepdad and three brothers, and FI's grandmother.) We didn't think this was too much.. but we met with our officiant and she seemed to think it was a bad idea and said that it would be a shame for us to drag all these people across the boarder for a two-minute ordeal.

It feels like SO much more than that to me though. And I tried to talk to my mom about it, but she keeps saying that she only cares about my "real" ceremony... meaning the one on campus. Yes, that one is important to me, but the legal one is too.

I guess I just dont' know what to do. I hate that I can't just have the legal shit happen at our ceremony. It seems like nobody besides FI and I even care about the legal part.. so maybe I shouldn't make a big deal about it.

Help. What do you think?

So.... I have personal experience with this.

My thoughts are, bring whoever wants to come with you to your legal ceremony.Maybe 2 or so, but less than 10. I know it's a big deal to you, and you are welcome to ask your immediate family if they'd like to join you, but don't make a big deal if they say no.

Also, I would suggest doing it either the day before, or the day after your college campus wedding. You don't want the added stress of trying to travel across state lines before or after your campus wedding. There will be a lot going on, and that is just one added stresser and complication. If you really do want it on the same day, I'd maybe see if you can get ready really early, and use that as your "first look".

Also, make sure your officiant has legal standing to officiate in the neighboring state.

Good luck

I love the bolded. That is a great idea!

Unknown · November 2014

This content has been removed.

twojunebrides · November 2014

@maggie0829 you are seriously making me feel better about the whole situation. I just felt like I was being irrational about everything. Our officiant means the best I think. She just said that it won't take much time at all and she didn't seem to understand why we wanted all those people there. FI's mom says things that make me crazy when we talk to her. Like why don't we just do the legal part privately and pretend that the ceremony is the real thing. ... um. because we can't legally do that and I want people to know that I had to go to another state to get married. I'm just bitching now... but you made me feel less crazy!

@QueerFemme, I was hoping you'd chime in! I knew you had some experience! I think FI and I are set on doing the legal part the same day... It is totally do-able and we want our legal anniversary to be the same day as our anniversary.

I do like the idea of a first-look though. That sounds nice.

Our officiant can legally perform marriages in both states... I have my hopes up that we can skip the extra trip and my state will have marriage equality... but we'll see I guess. I'm trying to be realistic at the same time.

aurianna · November 2014

I think what PPs have proposed works great.

But I'll add this though I assume you've already thought about it and rejected the idea, but I'll just double check:
Does the ceremony HAVE to be at the college campus?
Is there a nice place in the neighboring state where you could have the meaningful ceremony witnessed by everyone and also have it be legal. And then just go to the reception site after?

You said your college campus has meaning, but I feel like all of your guests witnessing you get legally married would have meaning no matter where you were.

But you probably already ruled that out, which is fine. You are so not wrong to care about the legal part. It's definitely important, especially in a case like yours where it isn't even possible where you live. Listen to PPs. Good luck!

QueerFemme · November 2014

I totally think it's great to care about the legal part, just don't be super upset if other people don't care as much. A lot of guests care more about the big shindig, but at the same time, they don't want to be lied to.

I think if you say to your immediate family "Hey, we have to run across the border and get hitched before our big ceremony, and we'd like you to join us if you are up for it. It will be about 2-3 hours before our campus wedding starts. And we are going to take some photos there."

Don't ask for permission, don't ask for advice. Just say, that's what you are doing. And, if they are up for coming, fabulous. If not, then just make sure you have at least the number of people required to witness, and do it with your FI.

Don't worry about your officiant saying it's silly to invite those 8 or so people. She doesn't get a say in the matter.

For us, we had to do it separately, and almost a year apart. when we did the legal ceremony, we brought only our photographer/friend. We were lucky we did, because we needed a witness, and didn't think about it ahead of time!

QueerFemme · November 2014

PS - You can also have your officiant make a little announcement during your campus ceremony, about the legal ceremony earlier in [insert state name].

Like, at the end maybe. Say something like "By the power vested in me by the state of [insert legal state], where twojunesbrides were united in legal marriage earlier today, and by god (if god is relevant for you), I now pronounce twojunebrides, spouses for life".

Jen4948 · November 2014

I like the first look idea. I'm sorry that your officiant and mother are jerking you around about this.

You might have to stand firm with both and say, "Look, unfortunately state laws make this hard enough that we can't get legally married in our home state. I don't think it's asking too much to drive 8 miles to where we can get legally married. We'd both really appreciate it if you'd help make this easier for us and not harder than it already is."

All the best to you both!

twojunebrides · November 2014

@queerfemme, I think that is what we might be doing.... Letting our families know. They are welcome to come, but they are welcome to do what they want.

I think I just need to keep things in perspective. Will I get to legally mary my wife? Will I have an awesome party? Yes, so does it really matter how it all happens and who is there?

FI also brought up a good point... our families haven't always been supportive of us. In fact, her mom finally started to accept our relationship after we got engaged and she realized it wasn't going away. Our friends (witnesses) on the other hand have been there since we started dating. So maybe it would be nice to just have those two friends with us during that time. We are very uncomfortable with PDA in front of our families, so an intimate setting might be nice. Not that we need or want to be all over each other.... I mean, our kiss at our wedding will be the first time any of our family members have seen us kiss. We both have anxiety about it.

Also, I love you idea of how to do the pronouncement. We have been trying to figure out what our officiant could say at the end of the ceremony. I think your idea flows nicely.

allispain · November 2014

twojunebrides said:

@queerfemme, I think that is what we might be doing.... Letting our families know. They are welcome to come, but they are welcome to do what they want.

I think I just need to keep things in perspective. Will I get to legally mary my wife? Will I have an awesome party? Yes, so does it really matter how it all happens and who is there?

FI also brought up a good point... our families haven't always been supportive of us. In fact, her mom finally started to accept our relationship after we got engaged and she realized it wasn't going away. Our friends (witnesses) on the other hand have been there since we started dating. So maybe it would be nice to just have those two friends with us during that time. We are very uncomfortable with PDA in front of our families, so an intimate setting might be nice. Not that we need or want to be all over each other.... I mean, our kiss at our wedding will be the first time any of our family members have seen us kiss. We both have anxiety about it.

Also, I love you idea of how to do the pronouncement. We have been trying to figure out what our officiant could say at the end of the ceremony. I think your idea flows nicely.

The bolded makes me sad - I'm sorry that you both are feeling anxious about such a happy moment in your lives because of your families' struggle to accept your relationship. I hope that on your wedding day you can let go of that anxiety and instead feel nothing but joy and love!

XP: Same-sex marriage-- two ceremonies...

Re: XP: Same-sex marriage-- two ceremonies...

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