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Death before the wedding

mrsbananymrsbanany member
First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
in Wedding Etiquette Forum
 My MOH's younger brother has been battling cancer for the past 4 years. This week things have gotten much worse and it is very likely he won't make it to the wedding. MOH and I grew up together and her family has always been like a second family to me, this is an unbearably painful time. We don't know how much time he has left but at the pace things are going it seems like this is going to progress rather quickly.  I have told her to stop planning the shower and bachelorette party but she insists because she says keeping busy helps to keep her mind off of things.  I don't know what to do as a friend to help her through this.  If she says this helps her then I want her to keep doing it but I hate to think her energy is being taken up by something for me rather than her brother. I honestly have no idea what to do. I also feel very strange because I am devastated by this, it feels as if I am losing my own brother...except he's not my brother. I don't know how I am going to be able to get through this, so I cannot even imagine how my MOH is going to do it. It makes planning all this happiness around a wedding seem wrong.  It makes me nervous that he is going to pass close to the wedding and I am going to be beside myself but have to go on with a wedding and pretend I'm overjoyed to all my guests (most of whom are my FI's family and don't know the full situation) but really that is going to happen anyway because we have so many wedding related events in the next few months.  If it were up to me, I would postpone all of this but that doesn't feel appropriate because he's not my brother... My heart is broken for my MOH and her family. But I also feel that my feelings and fears about the wedding are inappropriate because again he's not my brother.  I am trying so hard to be there for her in the way that she needs me but I have honestly no idea how to do that. I have never been in this position before, there is nothing that really prepares you for this sort of thing. Sorry to kind of vent but any sort of advice in this is appreciated. 
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Re: Death before the wedding

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    esstee33esstee33 member
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    mrsbanany said:
     My MOH's younger brother has been battling cancer for the past 4 years. This week things have gotten much worse and it is very likely he won't make it to the wedding. MOH and I grew up together and her family has always been like a second family to me, this is an unbearably painful time. We don't know how much time he has left but at the pace things are going it seems like this is going to progress rather quickly.  I have told her to stop planning the shower and bachelorette party but she insists because she says keeping busy helps to keep her mind off of things.  I don't know what to do as a friend to help her through this.  If she says this helps her then I want her to keep doing it but I hate to think her energy is being taken up by something for me rather than her brother. I honestly have no idea what to do. I also feel very strange because I am devastated by this, it feels as if I am losing my own brother...except he's not my brother. I don't know how I am going to be able to get through this, so I cannot even imagine how my MOH is going to do it. It makes planning all this happiness around a wedding seem wrong.  It makes me nervous that he is going to pass close to the wedding and I am going to be beside myself but have to go on with a wedding and pretend I'm overjoyed to all my guests (most of whom are my FI's family and don't know the full situation) but really that is going to happen anyway because we have so many wedding related events in the next few months.  If it were up to me, I would postpone all of this but that doesn't feel appropriate because he's not my brother... My heart is broken for my MOH and her family. But I also feel that my feelings and fears about the wedding are inappropriate because again he's not my brother.  I am trying so hard to be there for her in the way that she needs me but I have honestly no idea how to do that. I have never been in this position before, there is nothing that really prepares you for this sort of thing. Sorry to kind of vent but any sort of advice in this is appreciated. 

    I'm so sorry! That's terrible. :(

    People grieve differently, and if she says that planning those things is helping to keep her mind off her brother's condition, then I'd believe her and thank her profusely. And you're allowed to feel terrible about it, too, even though he's not actually your brother. Maybe you could reiterate to your MOH (and her family) how much you care for them and that you're there for anything they need? Can you make some food to take over to them? In times of trouble, that's a very nice gesture that's typically very appreciated. Lasagna is easy to put together and take over to people, unbaked, so they can bake it for dinner when they're ready. 

    I wouldn't postpone the wedding. There's a chance he could still live that long, you know. Maybe it's an outside chance, and maybe he won't, but you never know. 
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    climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
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    I'm so sorry. What a sad situation. 

    You're doing everything right. You've told your MOH to put everything on the back burner, but if she feels it helps her keep her mind off things, that's OK. Personally, I would just keep making sure she's doing OK. Do you have another friend that can offer to help her? 

    Let yourself feel the feelings you're having. It's OK. My MOH is my best friend, and I'm very close with her family. I'd be devastated if anything happened to them. 

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    pegasuskatpegasuskat member
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    Don't beat yourself up over your feelings, sometimes we are closer to friends than actual family.  Let yourself grieve!  I woudn't postpone, there is no way to know when he may pass.  I"m sure he wouldn't want you to change things for him.  I would bring food like PP suggested and offer to do things, other than being there for them there is nothing else you can do.  I'm sure they know how you feel and will appreciate whatever you do.
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    sarawifenowsarawifenow member
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    I have nothing else to add except to tell you that I am really sorry. Here's a puppy...hope it helps.

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    novella1186novella1186 member
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    esstee33 that maybe making a lasagna and taking it over to them would be a really nice gesture, just to show that you're there for them. That's really all you can do. 

    You're allowed to grieve as much as you need to, so don't feel bad about the feelings you're having. Try to think of your wedding separate from this, not that one event will totally impact the other or that the outcome of one even relies on the other. The situation with the brother will be very very sad no matter what, your wedding will be beautiful no matter what, and thinking "what if, what if, what if, how will this still go on" is only going to make things more difficult for you. Again. I'm so sorry. 
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    Jen4948Jen4948 member
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    What a sad situation.  I'm so sorry.

    I agree that you're handling it right by allowing your MOH to back out of anything she needs to back out of.  But I agree that your wedding should go on, even if you are not feeling 100% there.  Look at it as a time to focus on something other than the pain of your impending loss.  It won't be less beautiful because he will be there in spirit if not physically.  And a nice gesture, like a family meal or something, that shows that you're there for them, will also help.
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    twitterbirdtwitterbird member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment

    So very sorry for this. Such a sad situation. Let your MOH do what she needs to do to cope. Everyone deals with things differently. Don't postpone your wedding and you shouldn't feel guilty for a happy occasion. Sometimes its nice to celebrate something good instead of focusing on something bad.

    Since I started planning in February 2 of my dad's siblings have died, his best friend died, my mom's oldest friend died, a friend's grandmother died suddenly and last week another friend had a miscarriage. And my aunt and uncle just got here for my wedding on Saturday and now have funeral on the same day as the wedding. All of my family and friends are looking forward to being happy for a change this year.

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    weddingcactusweddingcactus member
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    mrsbanany said:
     My MOH's younger brother has been battling cancer for the past 4 years. This week things have gotten much worse and it is very likely he won't make it to the wedding. MOH and I grew up together and her family has always been like a second family to me, this is an unbearably painful time. ... If it were up to me, I would postpone all of this but that doesn't feel appropriate because he's not my brother... My heart is broken for my MOH and her family. But I also feel that my feelings and fears about the wedding are inappropriate because again he's not my brother.  I am trying so hard to be there for her in the way that she needs me but I have honestly no idea how to do that. I have never been in this position before, there is nothing that really prepares you for this sort of thing. Sorry to kind of vent but any sort of advice in this is appreciated. 
    In my opinion, feelings of grief are never inappropriate. You feel what you feel and you should not be feeling guilty for hurting over the loss of someone close to you, regardless of the actual blood relation. It sounds like you dearly love your MOH and her entire family and it is very understandable that you would be grieving too. I'm sorry I do not have any specific suggestions on how to handle the situation, but please do not feel guilt over your feelings. You have every right to feel sadness, grief, anxiety, fear, and any other feelings. Sending mental hugs and condolences to you. 
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    levioosalevioosa member
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    I am so sorry you are going through this.  Losing a loved one is terrible.  

    Allow yourself to grieve, but also allow yourself to be happy about the wedding.  You are not a terrible person for having a joyous moment in your life when there is sorrow present.  

    Your feelings of grief and loss are not inappropriate.  Friends can be just as close, or even closer to family.  You obviously love your best friend and her family.  You are being a great friend by telling her to focus on what matters, but if planning a party is what she says helps her, then trust that she is telling the truth.  

    I agree that making a meal for her family would be a nice gesture.  You could also write her a heartfelt note.  My sincerest condolences to you and your best friend's family as they deal with this horrible loss.  


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