Dear Prudence,
I’m 56 years old and my husband of 37 years died three months ago. He was retired and was the sole caretaker for his 83-year-old mom who lives with us in the duplex we set up for her. My husband’s sister died suddenly last week at age 57. She had been planning to move in and take care of her mother. I am left with my mother-in-law, who has now lost all four of her children. My mother-in-law is incapable of being alone, now more than ever. There is no physical reason for her lack of independence; it’s more mental, which I can understand given what she’s been through. But I’m at work all day, and can’t take care of her. My stepdaughter lives close by with her three children and a husband who is dying of cancer. He was given two weeks to live last February, and is defying the odds, but it’s only a matter of time. She feels obligated to take care of her grandma and probably worries about what I’m going to do. I haven’t made any decisions. I wish my mother-in-law would see how hard babysitting her is. If ever there was a candidate for assisted living it’s her, but I don’t think she’s come around to thinking that. I have compassion for her but it hurts so much to be around her and I’m grieving too. I still feel somewhat young and that there is happiness and a life to be had ahead of me, but there is no way to move on right now. Do I just wait this out and stay put? I’m afraid that she could live another 10 years like this. And I feel awful for even thinking that.