hurt feelings

cscheng · November 2014

so my sister recently got engaged. while i'm really happy and excited for her, i was a bit hurt by something, and wanted to hear your thoughts on this. so i've always considered my sister to be my best friend. she's always been the first person i'd call to share any big news with: getting engaged, getting pregnant, etc. she was also, naturally, the MOH for my wedding. so when i knew that my sister was getting engaged soon, i expected that i'd be one of the first people that she'd share the news with. but she actually never made a point to call or even text me the night that she got engaged, and that really hurt. i knew that she and her fiance (then boyfriend) had gone out for a nice dinner to celebrate their anniversary, and i made a comment to her a few days earlier that he might propose on that day. she even called me while she was heading over to their dinner, and we were chatting for a while. i never heard from her after the dinner that night, so i just assumed that he didn't propose. the next morning i texted her to ask how their dinner went, and she texted me back saying that she got engaged! she called me shortly after that, and shared the details with me. she mentioned that she had called her two best friends and my parents to tell them the night that they got engaged, and she figured she'd just tell me later. i just thought it was really strange that she didn't include me as one of the first people to find out that night. and i feel that this just shows that we're actually not as close as i thought we were. part of me wonders when she was planning to tell me. what if i never texted her to check in and ask how their dinner went?? how long was she going to wait to share the news with me? i know that i can be a bit sensitive about these kinds of things, but am i making too big of a deal out of this?

southernbelle0915 · November 2014

cscheng said:
so my sister recently got engaged. while i'm really happy and excited for her, i was a bit hurt by something, and wanted to hear your thoughts on this. so i've always considered my sister to be my best friend. she's always been the first person i'd call to share any big news with: getting engaged, getting pregnant, etc. she was also, naturally, the MOH for my wedding. so when i knew that my sister was getting engaged soon, i expected that i'd be one of the first people that she'd share the news with. but she actually never made a point to call or even text me the night that she got engaged, and that really hurt. i knew that she and her fiance (then boyfriend) had gone out for a nice dinner to celebrate their anniversary, and i made a comment to her a few days earlier that he might propose on that day. she even called me while she was heading over to their dinner, and we were chatting for a while. i never heard from her after the dinner that night, so i just assumed that he didn't propose. the next morning i texted her to ask how their dinner went, and she texted me back saying that she got engaged! she called me shortly after that, and shared the details with me. she mentioned that she had called her two best friends and my parents to tell them the night that they got engaged, and she figured she'd just tell me later. i just thought it was really strange that she didn't include me as one of the first people to find out that night. and i feel that this just shows that we're actually not as close as i thought we were. part of me wonders when she was planning to tell me. what if i never texted her to check in and ask how their dinner went?? how long was she going to wait to share the news with me? i know that i can be a bit sensitive about these kinds of things, but am i making too big of a deal out of this?

Im sorry you feel hurt by this. It is possible that you see your relationship as closer than she does. Coming to that realization in any relationship can sting.

It also sounds like you were thinking you might be her MOH since she is yours. Not to rain on your parade but I wouldn't count on it. Weddings aren't tit for tat and she can ask whoever she wants. Still though, I'm sorry you're hurt. If it makes you feel any better, I didn't tell anyone for 3 or 4 days. We were on vacation.

lc07 · November 2014

My best friend who used to share things with me practically immediately didn't tell me about her engagement for almost a week and didn't tell me about her pregnancy til after the first trimester. Unprompted, she gave excellent reasons for those decisions. Other people knew sooner. I was privately butt-hurt about both instances for a short time. I got over it. Ultimately, I knew her not telling me wasn't about me.

The bottom line is that she and I have an amazing solid relationship. And I am sure I have done some things from my end that have miffed her over the years. We love each other and do go out of our way to make each other feel important and loved very often. She makes me feel loved when I least expect it. And I know that I am very dear to her in her life. That helps me let go of my silly expectations. I hope that can be the case for you, too.

Edited: For clarity. Also, two funky fonts. IDK why.

JaxInBlue · November 2014

I think everyone needs to do things in the way that feel most right to them. Perhaps since you had talked to her earlier in the day, and had shared your suspicions with her, your sister felt you were already in on the news and didn't need to be told right away.

My sister was my first phone call when DH and I got engaged. I don't think I was the first person she called when she and her now-husband were engaged. I was, however, the person she called to help plan an outfit for their date (she too had a strong feeling that a certain night was the night), and the person she talked to about how excited she was at the possibility of her dream proposal coming true. She and my BIL called people in the best way for them, and I was grateful to be one of the people they wanted to call, not one to learn about their engagement through someone else or through social media.

Don't let your relationship suffer over those few extra hours. I would try to give your sister the benefit of the doubt that her actions weren't meant to be hurtful, but understand that her choices for her wedding and what is right her and her FI may different than what is right for you.

atlastmrsg · November 2014

You're making too big of a deal out of it. She probably wanted to enjoy the night, not spend every second of it calling and texting people.

LondonLisa · November 2014

cscheng said:

so my sister recently got engaged. while i'm really happy and excited for her, i was a bit hurt by something, and wanted to hear your thoughts on this. so i've always considered my sister to be my best friend. she's always been the first person i'd call to share any big news with: getting engaged, getting pregnant, etc. she was also, naturally, the MOH for my wedding. so when i knew that my sister was getting engaged soon, i expected that i'd be one of the first people that she'd share the news with. but she actually never made a point to call or even text me the night that she got engaged, and that really hurt. i knew that she and her fiance (then boyfriend) had gone out for a nice dinner to celebrate their anniversary, and i made a comment to her a few days earlier that he might propose on that day. she even called me while she was heading over to their dinner, and we were chatting for a while. i never heard from her after the dinner that night, so i just assumed that he didn't propose. the next morning i texted her to ask how their dinner went, and she texted me back saying that she got engaged! she called me shortly after that, and shared the details with me. she mentioned that she had called her two best friends and my parents to tell them the night that they got engaged, and she figured she'd just tell me later. i just thought it was really strange that she didn't include me as one of the first people to find out that night. and i feel that this just shows that we're actually not as close as i thought we were. part of me wonders when she was planning to tell me. what if i never texted her to check in and ask how their dinner went?? how long was she going to wait to share the news with me? i know that i can be a bit sensitive about these kinds of things, but am i making too big of a deal out of this?

I think she maybe wanted an "unplugged" engagement. I think you are reading into this a little much. I know it may sting, but I'm sure she didn't mean anything by it.

PS- To the bolded, I HATE HATE HATE when people do that! It is so rude and nosey. What is the point? You either a.) ruin the surprise for her or b.) built up unrealistic expectations. I have a dear friend who had her sister do that on her trip to Paris with her BF- she wondered the whole time if he was going to propose and when, that she couldn't focus on the trip as much. Plus when he didn't she was slightly disappointed. Her sister had planted this seed in her head that turned this simple weekend mini break into a series of rollercoaster emotions that she had to keep bottled up. I'm sure you didn't mean any harm by it, but for everyone else, please stop doing it!

novella1186 · November 2014

I'm extremely close to my aunt, and I told a few people about my engagement before I told my aunt. I was most excited to tell her about it, so I wanted to wait till I had a little bit of time so I could actually call her and talk for a while and let her know all the details.

I don't always get along so well with my sister, and I told her first out of everyone, because all I did was just text her a picture of the ring with the caption "guess what just happened?!" Which is way quicker and easier than a phone call.

It's a little overwhelming to get engaged because it's so exciting and (in my case) so unexpected so you're trying to wrap your head around it, you're trying to calm down, you're trying to figure out who all you need to tell so they're not offended that they heard it from somewhere else, you're trying to make all those phone calls, you're being bombarded with more phone calls and texts as the news makes its way through the grapevine, there's quite a lot going on.

Your sister dealt with it in her own way. That may not even reflect at all on her relationship with you, or it might mean that she wanted to calm down first and have more time to call and talk with you because you're the most important. Don't stress too much about this.

Maggie0829 · November 2014

She told you the next fucking day. Get the hell over it. You are making a mountain out of a molehill. Your sister was probably super excited and just wanted to celebrate her engagement to her new FI with him and him alone that night. Did you ever think that maybe they were too busy getting it on to call you and tell you the news?

irishfly · November 2014

I want you as my sister! I think its sweet that you're so close. I wouldn't put too much into it. Next time you see her casually mention it. Emphasis on casual! Just say something like "I'm so excited for you! I was on the edge of my seat all night wondering if it was coming that night. I wish I was the first one to know." Then see what she says and drop it. I bet she'll get the hint. Sometimes we assume married people with kids are busy, or sleeping if it was late when he popped the question. I'm sure she loves you very much. My sister is mad I got proposed to in her "wedding year". I'd love for her to be as excited as you are for your sis!

Bubblegum5586 · November 2014

The week before I got engaged a childhood friend of mind got engaged. She is someone who I will always care about but not always super close with because... well life gets busy. Well she called me the day after her engagement because she wanted to tell me before I saw it on FB. I was touched and honored that that was so important to her... honestly finding out on FB wouldn't have bothered me at all. I got engaged the following week and I made sure to call her because I felt like I had to... but if she hadn't called me first... the thought never would have crossed my mind to call her. Everyone prioritizes things differently.

When I did get engaged (even though I had a feeling it was coming) it was so overwhelming, I didn't call anyone that night and just wanted to enjoy the romantic weekend away with my then FI had planned for us! The next day I made a quick call to my parents because they knew he was asking and wanted to fill them in, but then we were off doing other things. I didn't get to call my sister until 2 days later to tell her! I wanted the time to chat and tell her all about it and ask her to be my MOH.

Meanwhile H's brother and wife were anxiously awaiting a phone call as they also knew he was going to propose, and weren't very happy they had to wait two days too. But H asked his brother to be his BM, so waiting 2 days didn't mean he was any less important.

Sooooooo my point... is that this doesn't mean you are not important to her. There are several reasons why she didn't call you first. I can be sensitive too and over think things, so I get where you are coming from. I think it's great that you came on here to vent first before making a big deal IRL. Relationships with sisters can be very complex.

climbingsingle · November 2014

I agree that since you made that comment to her right before dinner, she probably assumed you had an idea. Or maybe she thought her boyfriend/FI had told you? I think you're reading too much into it, and you need to let it go.

KatWAG · November 2014

LondonLisa said:

cscheng said:

so my sister recently got engaged. while i'm really happy and excited for her, i was a bit hurt by something, and wanted to hear your thoughts on this. so i've always considered my sister to be my best friend. she's always been the first person i'd call to share any big news with: getting engaged, getting pregnant, etc. she was also, naturally, the MOH for my wedding. so when i knew that my sister was getting engaged soon, i expected that i'd be one of the first people that she'd share the news with. but she actually never made a point to call or even text me the night that she got engaged, and that really hurt. i knew that she and her fiance (then boyfriend) had gone out for a nice dinner to celebrate their anniversary, and i made a comment to her a few days earlier that he might propose on that day. she even called me while she was heading over to their dinner, and we were chatting for a while. i never heard from her after the dinner that night, so i just assumed that he didn't propose. the next morning i texted her to ask how their dinner went, and she texted me back saying that she got engaged! she called me shortly after that, and shared the details with me. she mentioned that she had called her two best friends and my parents to tell them the night that they got engaged, and she figured she'd just tell me later. i just thought it was really strange that she didn't include me as one of the first people to find out that night. and i feel that this just shows that we're actually not as close as i thought we were. part of me wonders when she was planning to tell me. what if i never texted her to check in and ask how their dinner went?? how long was she going to wait to share the news with me? i know that i can be a bit sensitive about these kinds of things, but am i making too big of a deal out of this?
I think she maybe wanted an "unplugged" engagement. I think you are reading into this a little much. I know it may sting, but I'm sure she didn't mean anything by it.

PS- To the bolded, I HATE HATE HATE when people do that! It is so rude and nosey. What is the point? You either a.) ruin the surprise for her or b.) built up unrealistic expectations. I have a dear friend who had her sister do that on her trip to Paris with her BF- she wondered the whole time if he was going to propose and when, that she couldn't focus on the trip as much. Plus when he didn't she was slightly disappointed. Her sister had planted this seed in her head that turned this simple weekend mini break into a series of rollercoaster emotions that she had to keep bottled up. I'm sure you didn't mean any harm by it, but for everyone else, please stop doing it!

Preach it!!!!!

Jen4948 · November 2014

I'm sure I was not among the first five or even ten people my brother and SIL called when they got engaged and that I didn't hear about it the exact same day it happened. I was still happy for them when I did find out about it.

It can be hurtful to not hear from a loved one something as soon as it happens, but depending on how many people your sister considers a "loved one," she might have had lots of people to call if you think she needed to tell every loved one right away that she was engaged. She probably wanted to savor the moment with her FI, plus it would have taken time to talk to everyone if, once she started notifying people, they all exclaimed and asked questions about rings, dates, the exact circumstances of the proposal, and various other things that people who are happy for a loved one who is getting married ask in reaction to the news.

If you keep holding a grudge about not hearing right away, you won't be able to be truly happy for her. I'd let it go.

AddieCake · November 2014

You're making too much of it.

[Deleted User] · November 2014

ChemFanatic25 · November 2014

When my best friend announced she was pregnant I was a bit hurt that I wasn't one of the first people that she told, then I realized "Hey this isn't about me. She at least called me and told me the good news. This is about her and she has a ton of people to tell. This is great news and I'm happy for her." and I really am. Thinking "this isn't about me, it's about her" really sobered me up and humbled me and now I can celebrate her and her husband's pregnancy with all of our friends.

STARMOON44 · November 2014

Life is really really hard when you always assume the worst.

lunardaydreaming · November 2014

I think it's so nice that you have such a close relationship with your sister! I'm extremely sensitive as well and am prone to feeling "butt-hurt", ha! I however think that maybe it wasn't as intentional as it seemed. Maybe she had planned on just enjoying the time a bit before calling and telling people. So perhaps, the other people she told before you had contacted her and she told them because they were talking/texting, and she told you when you contacted her

I know that when my fiance and I got engaged, I immediately called my parents because they needed to know (even though I found out they already knew for months haha). And I told people in the order I had spoken to them, as we tried to just enjoy the moment and each other. I bet if you asked her she would be surprised that you felt that way

but in any event I hope you feel better!

redoryx · November 2014

LondonLisa said:

cscheng said:

so my sister recently got engaged. while i'm really happy and excited for her, i was a bit hurt by something, and wanted to hear your thoughts on this. so i've always considered my sister to be my best friend. she's always been the first person i'd call to share any big news with: getting engaged, getting pregnant, etc. she was also, naturally, the MOH for my wedding. so when i knew that my sister was getting engaged soon, i expected that i'd be one of the first people that she'd share the news with. but she actually never made a point to call or even text me the night that she got engaged, and that really hurt. i knew that she and her fiance (then boyfriend) had gone out for a nice dinner to celebrate their anniversary, and i made a comment to her a few days earlier that he might propose on that day. she even called me while she was heading over to their dinner, and we were chatting for a while. i never heard from her after the dinner that night, so i just assumed that he didn't propose. the next morning i texted her to ask how their dinner went, and she texted me back saying that she got engaged! she called me shortly after that, and shared the details with me. she mentioned that she had called her two best friends and my parents to tell them the night that they got engaged, and she figured she'd just tell me later. i just thought it was really strange that she didn't include me as one of the first people to find out that night. and i feel that this just shows that we're actually not as close as i thought we were. part of me wonders when she was planning to tell me. what if i never texted her to check in and ask how their dinner went?? how long was she going to wait to share the news with me? i know that i can be a bit sensitive about these kinds of things, but am i making too big of a deal out of this?

I think she maybe wanted an "unplugged" engagement. I think you are reading into this a little much. I know it may sting, but I'm sure she didn't mean anything by it.

PS- To the bolded, I HATE HATE HATE when people do that! It is so rude and nosey. What is the point? You either a.) ruin the surprise for her or b.) built up unrealistic expectations. I have a dear friend who had her sister do that on her trip to Paris with her BF- she wondered the whole time if he was going to propose and when, that she couldn't focus on the trip as much. Plus when he didn't she was slightly disappointed. Her sister had planted this seed in her head that turned this simple weekend mini break into a series of rollercoaster emotions that she had to keep bottled up. I'm sure you didn't mean any harm by it, but for everyone else, please stop doing it!

Word. Plus, what if he *hadn't* proposed that night and decided to wait until a different time? If you're not the one doing the actual proposing, you shouldn't say a damn thing about it to the person being proposed to.

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