Any over 35 folks in here?

chloe97 · November 2014

Hi there-

I am 35, have been dating my bf for 2 years and living together for 1. He has a diamond and still needs to have it set into a ring, but has assured me that we will be engaged "soon". Sure. I believe that. It took him weeks after getting my my number to actually ask me out on a date, 10 years in a job he hated to actually make a switch, 2 months to get his flat tire on his car fixed, he's got overdue library books up the whazzoo. You know the type of guy. I love him, he is the sweetest, most wonderful guy you will ever meet, but he does everything on his own schedule. I am type A and I want things on my schedule. (On a side note, I actually read an interesting article about how waiting for a proposal can cause clinical depression in women so used to being in control of their own lives http://www.yourtango.com/201052975/waiting-for-marriage-proposal-advice-you-need).

Anyway, I've come to realize that I am not going to change him and that I just have to wait for him to get his act together and enjoy our time together and I do. The main reason I have been so Type A about my life schedule is because I've always wanted kids badly and I'm 35, so we have to be serious about this if it's going to happen (I have PCOS which may make it more difficult). But what I have noticed is that after I turned 35 that intense desire I've always had to have kids is starting to lessen. And I don't know if it's because I am 35 and have no ability to control if and when I will be getting engaged/married, if it's because it could actually be happening in the next year or so if he does get his act together soon and it's starting to be real so I am scared, or if it's an actual biological thing that happens to people as their window for successful child bearing starts to get smaller. Has this happened to anyone else? It almost feel like I am just ready to give up because I have no control over the situation. Obviously, I know that I could go off BCP at any point and actively try to get pregnant. I have that control over my life, but I need to trust that he will actually follow through on his "soon" promise. I just worry that if he makes me wait another year that I really will stop wanting to have kids altogether and I know that is a deal breaker for him.

loves2shop4shoes · November 2014

Have you had a timelines conversation with him? This is one of the few times you'll hear me say it, but I think you have every right to be assertive about a timeline in this case. Your childbearing days are numbered, and if you're going to seriously consider having a child, you both need to get on the same page quickly.

I'm only 26, but I do have severe PCOS, so I can understand how it can be especially scary thinking about TTC with this condition.

Good luck!

LabLove86 · November 2014

I was going to say exactly what @loves2shop4shoes said . . . . absolutely continue to enjoy your relationship as is ect. but in your case having serious timeline talk is not a bad idea at all.

I get that your BF is the way he is, and he is slow to come to decisions, but he may not have thought about age vs. childbearing. Have you guys talked about having children and are you on the same page?

Having kids is one of the biggest reasons that my BF and I have the timeline that we do - we both want kids, but both want a few more years just him and I first. . . (Just FWIW - I am 28 and he is 31)

Just have an honest conversation with him about all of it and all of your concerns.

Good luck!!

Dignity100 · November 2014

I'm 35. Have you talked timelines with your BF? Does he want to have kids? What's his timeline? How old is he? You really need to make sure you're on the same page.

I just got married and I know we are still 1-2 years from having a kid. I will say my desire probably is more now that I'm married than before. I still have a few goals that I'd like to accomplish before we have a kid.

My conversations with H before we were married and talking timelines was more about reminding him that we are getting older and we do want to have a family of more than 2. I mentioned to him as we get past the 40 mark, our focus will be changing from looking at babies and saving for college to retirement and how it would suck if we didn't have kids until 40 or after and have to figure out those major life events at once. H and I have been together for about 7 years though (but we didn't live together before marriage).

I know through my conversations with H, I found out he had goals he wanted to achieve before we got engaged and he also was not comfortable picking out a ring by himself. So I offered to go ring shopping with him, which we did end up going shopping together and he bought the ring with me by his side.

morphemes · November 2014

Knottie02344586 said:

And I don't know if it's because I am 35 and have no ability to control if and when I will be getting engaged/married, if it's because it could actually be happening in the next year or so if he does get his act together soon and it's starting to be real so I am scared, or if it's an actual biological thing that happens to people as their window for successful child bearing starts to get smaller.

How do you not have any control? Have you spoken to your BF about when you'd like to be married/having kids? Also, I know this isn't "traditional", but you could ask your BF to marry you. There is no reason you need to sit around and wait, especially when it sounds like you are very unhappy with that.

cu97tiger · November 2014

I was 35 when my DH and I got engaged, and I am now 39 and TTC. I second everyone who said to talk timelines with your BF. My desire to have a child has not diminished as I've gotten older. It has actually increased as I realize what a phenomenal father my DH will be someday.

chloe97 · November 2014

Thanks for the words of wisdom, guys. We've definitely had the timeline talk- a few times actually. Unfortunately, time is not a concept that some people grasp 100%. I know that he would like to get his act together, but he will probably spend time designing the "perfect ring" and then dreaming up the perfect proposal. Honestly, I'm not sure how to put my foot down that things need to proceed without ruining everything. And to the person who said that I should propose- believe me, I have thrown that out there as an option and he shot it down. He really wants to do it.

There is a reason a guy like him is with a girl like me- and that's because he needs me around to knock him back down to earth. He still thinks that we will have an August/September 2015 wedding because he has no concept of how fast everything books up.

****Sigh**** At this point, I am just venting. I'm not sure what else I can do short of give the ultimatum "you must propose by x/x/xx date or else." I already told him that I would like to be engaged by the end of the year with no ultimatum attached. I just don't know what I will do if New Years Day comes around without a ring....

lacqueredlover · November 2014

You guys can make the decision to get married together without having to have a big proposal and then pick out a ring together. It sounds like for your situation, that might be the best bet. You can sit down and say "if we both want to get married, then awesome, lets decide together to be engaged and start planning a wedding! We can figure out the ring and all but we dont' need some epic proposal, let's just take the next step!"

That way you aren't giving an ultimatum, you're both deciding to move forward and you guys can move onto the next chapter!

Good luck!

Dignity100 · November 2014

You're going to have to decide what is important to you. I know if my H had demands like this I would be side-eyeing him.

You can be engaged without an engagement ring.
You can plan a wedding in less than 6-12 months, technically depending on your state, you could get married the same day you decide you want to get married. As a side note, my venue only booked 8 months in advance for my wedding package.

Any over 35 folks in here?

Re: Any over 35 folks in here?

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