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MIL dating

paperpusherpaperpusher member
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in Chit Chat
So, this has been constantly sitting in the back of my head since I found out Tuesday night and I just need to get it out.
I know this shouldn't bother me, she's an adult and can make her own decisions.
H came home after spending the evening with his mom and she told him she is seeing the guy who has been helping her around her house.

He said it was really awkward because while his mom was telling him, the guy she's seeing was on the phone with his oldest daughter who lives out of town telling her.  And that the only reason she was telling him right then was because the guy told his wife that he wanted a divorce that morning and they were worried that her or her youngest son would try to contact H to stir the shit pot.

Here comes the but - it does bother me a little.  FIL passed away in mid April - he was a great guy even though he was an ass at times.  I still have quiet break downs every now and again because I miss him.  I sure as hell know she's still grieving.  So why?  Why so soon?  And why with a married man?

This guy is the polar opposite of FIL.  FIL was quiet, gruff, hated sports, used his hands, loved cars, loved building things and remodeling the house.  This guy is a talker, loves sports, takes his car to a mechanic, had no idea how to use a power drill until MIL showed him.

IDK if he was in MIL life before FIL passed, but he was definitely there right before my wedding in July.  He was helping MIL clean up the outside of her house and hauling things she no longer wanted away.  She would constantly talk about him.  One day she told H and I that she missed FIL so much one night she couldn't sleep and ended up going to this guy's house and spent the night there.

First time H and I officially met him she invited us up for dinner and said that this guy and another woman and her son were coming.  The way this guy and the son were interacting gave me the impression that he was his dad and that the woman was his wife.

H and I weren't sure what to think.  We thought this guy was married, but his mom was being awfully friendly.  H didn't know if there was more to it, his mom explained that this guy was just being a friendly Christian.  I kind of side eyed that because you never see that kind of friendlyness anymore unless there's something more going on.

Fast forward to Tuesday when she's telling him this stuff.  This guy is now living with her.  Until today when he's going back to his house because he has grandkids coming into town and he wants to pretend like everything is normal for them, and then he will be going back to MIL's house when they leave.
What?

H and I are in Camp She's an Adult and Can Make Her Own Decisions, but I don't like it.  It feels sketchy and dirty and disrespectful.

Anyways, I needed to get that out.  Not really looking for advice I guess.  I know that this is not my problem.  That I need to be there for H and go with what he wants.
Thanks.
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Re: MIL dating

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    charlottesmom0626charlottesmom0626 member
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    I think he's a rebound? I know that sounds wrong but she's grieving a loss of an important person: this guy was there at the right place and the right time. If it helps her to have a man-friend around while she pieces her life together and figures out who she is after your FIL passed, I think that's okay: but I'm not a fan of this guy being married, but it's also not really our choice..

    I would be worried she'll be taken advantage of financially if this guy is mooching off of her.

    Sorry you're in this situation :/
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    theycallmelinztheycallmelinz member
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    I agree with @charlottesmom0626

    I can understand her needing to grieve and this guy being there at the time. I hope for her sake he IS just a rebound because that's a very sticky situation since he's married and is sort of pretending for certain family members that his own marriage is fine. I don't want your MIL having to deal with that dramafest while she's still grieving the loss of her husband. 

     Good luck in this!
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    paperpusherpaperpusher member
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    Thanks @charlottesmom0626 & @theycallmelinz.
    I hope rebound is the case.

    At this point I'm not sure he's mooching per say.  I guess in addition to telling H about this the guy asked him to ask me why a bank would prevent him from withdrawing all funds from his account and would encourage him to get a cashier's check instead.  Without knowing the amount the only reason I can think of was it was too large and they didn't have enough in house and/or they needed to have enough for other withdrawals until their next cash delivery.

    I'm going to try and keep an open mind about this.  He's a nice guy from what I've heard.  I still don't like the married part.  He could always reconcile with the wife and then MIL would be heartbroken again.
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    charlieyankee03charlieyankee03 member
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    It sounds like your MIL is setting herself up for more heartache. While I don't like the fact that he is married, I truly hope that he makes her happy and helps her overcome her grief. Sounds like a tough situation all the way around. The best thing you can be is supportive, which it sounds like you are.
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    RebeccaFlowerRebeccaFlower member
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    edited November 2014
    Wow. First, I'm so sorry for your loss. While there are no right or wrong ways to grieve, I think you should be on the lookout for outlandish behavior. I mean, she's an adult and can do what she pleases but it's nice for you to keep an eye out. Leaving his wife makes it sound like things might be pretty serious. Eeek. Sorry, I'm no help, the whole situation is really difficult. 
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    jenajjthrjenajjthr member
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    There are two parts to this relationship; your MIL and the BF/married guy. 

    Your MIL is free to date however soon she wants, her grieving process is hers and hers alone. You and your H don't get to dictate what is too soon for her to start dating. I say this as a woman who started dating a widower, then married him. His wife died of a chronic illness that took her life earlier than he would have liked. They were together for almost 20 years. When they found out that eventually her illness would take her life, they discussed what would come "after." They discussed him eventually finding someone new and getting remarried and that it would be best for him. Little did they know I would come into his life 4 months after her passing. This did not go over well with his former wife's parents (not that their feelings mattered all that much to me - it wasn't personal) or his kids (their feelings did matter to me).  I was treated, and still am, treated very poorly by people (former in-laws) he thought was practically his second parents. I did not take it personal, I understood why they reacted the way they did, to them it was "too soon." But in the intervening years, they still continue to treat me like dirt. 

    I don't know how your MIL lost her husband, how she is grieving, what was discussed before the passing. Not matter the case though, she is an adult, she gets to live her life how she chooses. You may not like that she is dating so soon, but try to accept any man she brings into her life. You don't want to lose your long term relationship with her. 

    As for the this particular BF/married man.  What he is doing is wrong. He should take care of one relationship before moving onto the next. I don't like cheaters (ex was a big cheater). I am a firm believer when a man leaves his wife for his girlfriend/mistress he creates a job opening. I hope that your MIL is so deep in the grieving process that she isn't seeing straight and just wants love so desparetely that she'll take it from the wrong source. Maybe your H can take her out to lunch and have a heart to heart with her? Ask if this "Christian" man is really what she wants? 

    In the end though, both of you will just have to accept whatever she decision she makes. I see the pain in my H's eyes knowing he doesn't have his bio parents, dad passed away prior to us meeting - met his mom once before she passed away suddenly, his former - in laws were the only "parents" he had. And they were his parents - he called them "mom" and "dad."  It hurt a lot for him to lose them when he found me. It may not be an easy acceptance on your part, but please try, for her sake. 
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    NYCMercedesNYCMercedes member
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    It's all so unfortunate and certainly not what you or your H would choose for her. Just remember to maintain your good, close relationship with her, whether she goes through the good or the bad.
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    paperpusherpaperpusher member
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    Thanks for the honesty @jenajjthr.  FIL was diagnosed with ALS a year before he passed.  It progressed quickly.  I'll try to keep what you said in mind if the relationship continues.
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    KaurisKauris member
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    A very good friend of mine, S, was in a similar situation. Her mom was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer and ended up passing away four years after diagnosis. Her father was living with a woman about 3 months later, they are now married. S does not get along with the new wife, the new wife is nothing like her mom and now S has a very estranged relationship with her father because of her opposition to the relationship.

    Whether you agree or not, she might go forward with this relationship. The whole situation is unfortunate and to me screams of a long con. It just seems shady, but if you oppose it, your MIL will distance herself from you and this does not sound like a situation you want to be distanced from. Good luck and also, my sympathies for the loss of your FIL.
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    CMGragainCMGragain member
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    edited November 2014
    1.  Never "date" a married man.  Never.  No exceptions.  He will be a married man until his divorce is final.
    2.  You and your husband cannot tell you MIL what to do where her personal life is concerned.  You can express concern about her dating a married man, but that is all you can do.
    3.  This may not last.  Be prepared to be there for your MIL when the situation gets bad.
    4.  Try to stay out of this.  If (when) the relationship fails, it will be better if you have not meddled.
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    lc07lc07 member
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    @paperpusher I am sorry you are feeling conflicted and confused about what is happening to your H's family. My best advice is to just live your life and focus on seeing the best in people. You probably don't intend to sound this way but you come off very judgmentally. I read your post several times and I tell you that with great love - I like you and I don't know where you are coming from other than what you have posted so I don't mean to be judgmental of YOU. Just saying how it sounds. And I imagine it's because of your confusion and hurt but I don't understand the purpose of your judgement towards them or their choices. None of us knows what it's like to be in each others' shoes, and it sounds like they are telling their respective families about it. I might sound super hippy-dippy here but I say just show them love.
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