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Backing Out Gracefully

Knottie90100993Knottie90100993 member
First Anniversary First Comment
in Wedding Party
I am currently a student and next spring I have to be able to pay to move to a new city (which I currently cannot do). 

I have to be in 2 weddings plus I have been invited to my best friends brother's wedding.

I have to find a job and I honestly don't think I can realistically get the time off for 3 different weddings within 6 months, nor can I afford it. 

Please realize that I have to 
A) find a job (and no one will hire me if I tell them I need time off for 3 different weddings) - even if I don't tell them they can fire me for going
B) pay to move
C) pay for a down payment on an apartment
D) pay off debt from school 
E) pay for 3 sets of plane tickets
F) pay for make up, hair, dresses etc. to be a bridesmaid twice

I simply cannot do it. 

The 2 weddings which I will be in are going to be 1 month apart from each other (September and October) which is also problematic. I want to back out of the 1 wedding because I am closer with the other girl AND I am closer with the whole family of the wedding I am going to in June. 

Since being asked to be in the wedding around 6 months ago I haven't even talked to the girl (seriously, how close are we if literally never talk?) 

I want to tell her I cannot be in the wedding any more but I don't know how to word it. I want to make sure I say it as gracefully as possible so that it'll be the least hurtful/problematic/dramatic. Since it's next October I feel like if I tell her now then she will have time to replace me. 

Can someone tell me how to deal with this?
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Re: Backing Out Gracefully

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    Knottie90100993Knottie90100993 member
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    * What I would like to say to her is at the bottom of the post - please check it out and let me know* 

    It doesn't help that i have to pay MINIMUM $250 just to be able to fly to where these girls live.... So for 3 weddings, I'll be paying an upwards of $750, probably more like $1000 JUST for the flights, then another $250 for 2 wedding party dresses (so $500 easily) and then probably another $150 for hair, makeup, nails etc for each (so $300), and so that'll be like a total of $1500 - $2000 easily just for all of that, and I have to pay for living expenses right out of school too (including car insurance) so it's a massive undertaking that I don't think I can handle.

    And then because I have to fly, even if it is on a weekend i still probably need minimum 2 days off so I can fly in maybe on a Thursday afternoon and fly out on the Monday... And I can't seriously expect someone who just hired me to give me 2-3 days off 3 times over for 3 different weddings (which would be 6-9 days total within a few months AND that's the minimum amount of time I'd need off), nor am I interested in spending all of my vacation time on a town that I absolutely despise (they're all getting married in my hometown and I moved away for a reason)... I know that the last point is selfish, the "real" valid point is that I know I can't realistically get the time off without compromising a new role at a job.

    I think that any "real" friend would understand that the financial burden + compromising my employment is a lot.... But I also don't want her to be hurt if she finds out I am still going to be in my other friends wedding (which she's bound to find out via Facebook pictures or just by general talk OR by seeing me in town etc.) AND I still want to be invited to the wedding so that if I can come then I can, but because of everything I explained i think that it would be unfair for me to keep being in the wedding party because, yeah, obviously I can't risk my finances or my employment BUT if it comes to that it would be horrible to back out just a few months before.... 










    Ok... This is what I would like to say:

    "Hi [bride], I am really sorry to have to bring this up, but I think I am going to have to respectfully decline being a bridesmaid. I hate to have to say that and I am so sorry, but I have so many things going on personally, professionally and financially. As you know, I am finishing school in April and I have a lot of expenses that I have had to account for, I will be moving (again) and things like that and just feel that all of that won't allow me to be able to participate. I am so honoured that you asked me and I want to be able to be there for you in any way that I still can be. I really hope that you will understand and I am so so sorry."
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    Knottie90100993Knottie90100993 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    Edit: 

    Hi [bride], I am really sorry to have to bring this up, but I think I am going to have to respectfully decline being a bridesmaid. I hate to have to say that and I am so sorry, but I have so many things going on personally, professionally and financially. As you know, I am finishing school in April and I have a lot of expenses that I have had to account for, I will be moving (again) and things like that and just feel that all of that won't allow me to be able to participate. I feel like it would be unfair to you if I remained in the wedding party if I remained in the wedding party while knowing the significant risk of my not being able to participate in the long run. I am so honoured that you asked me and I want to be able to be there for you in any way that I still can be. I really hope that you will understand and I am so so sorry."
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    doeydodoeydo member
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    I'm just piping up to say that all you are required to pay to be a bridesmaid is your transportation, your dress (the bride should ask you your budget on this in private before looking at dresses), and any hotel stay.  You are not obligated to pay for any professional hair, makeup, nails, etc.  Now, I realize that it is probably still be undoable for you, but just in case you can or for other people possibly reading this.
    image
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    lovegood90lovegood90 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    scribe95 said:
    It seems you have real financial concerns and I understand the need to back out. I would not be upset if I were the bride.

    I just wish in general that people would think about these things BEFORE they say yes. I mean nothing came up unexpectedly. You knew the timing. So why did you agree in the first place? 

    Just a guess because it's happened to a few of my friends- maybe she felt put on the spot if she was asked in a "special" way, or said yes out of excitement before actually realizing what the numbers add up to financially?

    I agree with PPs, OP. I like the wording above without including the excuses, just keep it simple :)

    Formerly martha1818

    image


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    Knottie90100993Knottie90100993 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    Things came up after I agreed, that's why. Initially I didn't have as much debt, I wasn't going to have to move (yet again) just a lot of other things came up. But I also don't want to hurt her feelings. 
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    downtondivadowntondiva member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    As PP's have said, keep your explanation to this friend short and to the point. You have a lot going on in your life and therefore can no longer be a bridesmaid, and you are sorry. Don't give more details than necessary. The more you say, the more likely she is to argue with you. 

    Her feelings may be hurt, but she'll just need to move past it. If she can't understand your reasons, she's not much of a friend, and if she's still annoyed at you by the time of the wedding, that's on her, not you.
    image
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    LittleWohlscheidLittleWohlscheid member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    As someone who had someone back out of the wedding party, let her know as soon as possible. Don't mention the other wedding or all of your expenses, just what PPs edited your post to say. A lot of people on TK say it's a friendship ending move to back out of a wedding, but from my experience, it's not. The guy who backed out of our wedding had similar financial issues, though his were from lack of planning rather your very valid reasons. It hurt FI and my feelings, especially since he had someone else tell us for him, but he's still a friend and I hope he can make it to the wedding as a guest. Hopefully your friend sees it the same way.

    Good luck!
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    lovegood90lovegood90 member
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    LittleWohlscheid said:
    As someone who had someone back out of the wedding party, let her know as soon as possible. Don't mention the other wedding or all of your expenses, just what PPs edited your post to say. A lot of people on TK say it's a friendship ending move to back out of a wedding, but from my experience, it's not. The guy who backed out of our wedding had similar financial issues, though his were from lack of planning rather your very valid reasons. It hurt FI and my feelings, especially since he had someone else tell us for him, but he's still a friend and I hope he can make it to the wedding as a guest. Hopefully your friend sees it the same way.

    Good luck!
    From what I've seen, people on TK usually say it's a friendship-ending move to kick someone out of your wedding party, not backing out of one (as long as they're not just ditching them at the altar I'm assuming).

    Formerly martha1818

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    atlastmrsgatlastmrsg member
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    Just make sure you call.  Don't chicken out last minute and text or email this.
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