Trying to get over brother's gf inappropriate comments

Knottie93133394 · November 2014

This happened about a year ago and I still feel like my relationship with her was damaged and I want to move on.

She was 16 at the time and had my snapchat username because my brother once used my phone to snapchat her when his battery died. She began snapchatting me (along with her friends, I assume) pictures of my brother where she called him 'gay', used the pronoun 'it' to describe him and drew penises all over his face. I found it incredibly immature and, as a bisexual woman who was closeted at the time, I was really hurt and put in a very uncomfortable position. She knew I was big on the whole equality thing and have a grandmother in a same-sex partnership at least, so I was floored that she thought that was a good early impression to make. Even if I was straight, I'd have been disgusted. Anyway, I eventually confronted her (having to out myself to my family in the process, yippee, thanks girl) and it just didn't go well. Things were kind of patched up but I'm still not happy to spend time with this girl. I don't hate her, I just don't have a good impression of her.

However, the two of them are getting pretty serious (well, they're 17 and 18 now, so as serious as they can be at that age) and it's starting to look like there's a non-negligible chance this girl will be around for a while, if not married to my brother someday. I'm sure many of you have had unpleasant conversations with in-laws/SOs of family members, how do you move past it? Are you ever able to pretend it never happened and start fresh?

holyguacamole79 · November 2014

Knottie93133394 said:
This happened about a year ago and I still feel like my relationship with her was damaged and I want to move on.

She was 16 at the time and had my snapchat username because my brother once used my phone to snapchat her when his battery died. She began snapchatting me (along with her friends, I assume) pictures of my brother where she called him 'gay', used the pronoun 'it' to describe him and drew penises all over his face. I found it incredibly immature and, as a bisexual woman who was closeted at the time, I was really hurt and put in a very uncomfortable position. She knew I was big on the whole equality thing and have a grandmother in a same-sex partnership at least, so I was floored that she thought that was a good early impression to make. Even if I was straight, I'd have been disgusted. Anyway, I eventually confronted her (having to out myself to my family in the process, yippee, thanks girl) and it just didn't go well. Things were kind of patched up but I'm still not happy to spend time with this girl. I don't hate her, I just don't have a good impression of her.

However, the two of them are getting pretty serious (well, they're 17 and 18 now, so as serious as they can be at that age) and it's starting to look like there's a non-negligible chance this girl will be around for a while, if not married to my brother someday. I'm sure many of you have had unpleasant conversations with in-laws/SOs of family members, how do you move past it? Are you ever able to pretend it never happened and start fresh?

She sounds immature. Just be polite to her and move on.

amelisha · November 2014

She's a teenager. All you can really do is hope she grows out of it or has already grown out of it. Teenagers have terrible impulse control and sone of them do stupid stuff. And yeah, there are a few people who continue to behave like that into adulthood, but most people really do change and mature as their brains develop.

Just be polite and give her a chance to, well, grow up. Don't say anything. You're not her parent or even another authority figure and you don't need to be lecturing her.

Knottie93133394 · November 2014

That's true, I'd be mortified if my boyfriend's family judged me on who I was when I was 16, so I'll try to keep an eye out for any maturing she does in the next few years. I think it was just especially shocking to me because I went to a pretty progressive high school where no one spoke like that, so it didn't seem like the typical teenage behavior I was used to from my perspective. But she moved here from a different state and maybe her peers behaved differently there. Hopefully heading to college next year will open her eyes.

huskypuppy14 · November 2014

She's still in HS, and who knows what will happen to her and your brother down the road.

AddieCake · November 2014

Yeah, you need to get over this. She is a child. Your brother should be offended at her behavior because it was HIM about which she said inappropriate things and to whom she did inappropriate things, and yet he stays with her. Surely when she is an adult, she will not think calling someone gay or calling something gay (I hear it all the time from my students....how gay someone or something is) is mature or appropriate. I don't understand you having a snapchat, either, because frankly that seems like a teenager thing, too. I'm sure I'll get flack for that as I'm sure there are Knotties who have them, but that is one social media thing that I just flat out think is pointless and causes nothing but drama from what I've seen working with teenagers.

loveislouder · November 2014

AddieCake said:

Yeah, you need to get over this. She is a child. Your brother should be offended at her behavior because it was HIM about which she said inappropriate things and to whom she did inappropriate things, and yet he stays with her. Surely when she is an adult, she will not think calling someone gay or calling something gay (I hear it all the time from my students....how gay someone or something is) is mature or appropriate. I don't understand you having a snapchat, either, because frankly that seems like a teenager thing, too. I'm sure I'll get flack for that as I'm sure there are Knotties who have them, but that is one social media thing that I just flat out think is pointless and causes nothing but drama from what I've seen working with teenagers.

I'm going to go ahead and admit that I have snapchat... but the only people that have my snapchat name are my little sister and my best friend... and the only thing I snapchat them are pictures of my cat lol

hellohkb · November 2014

I think the snapchat she sent was really dumb and immature but I would really try to remember that she's young and may not always be dumb and immature. Not every teenager was like this and I would have found it just as offensive then and as I do now, but she clearly made an error in judgement. I hope she calms down and matures. If not, your brother may wise up. Good luck.

doeydo · November 2014

AddieCake said:

Yeah, you need to get over this. She is a child. Your brother should be offended at her behavior because it was HIM about which she said inappropriate things and to whom she did inappropriate things, and yet he stays with her. Surely when she is an adult, she will not think calling someone gay or calling something gay (I hear it all the time from my students....how gay someone or something is) is mature or appropriate. I don't understand you having a snapchat, either, because frankly that seems like a teenager thing, too. I'm sure I'll get flack for that as I'm sure there are Knotties who have them, but that is one social media thing that I just flat out think is pointless and causes nothing but drama from what I've seen working with teenagers.

I don't get the point of Snapchat, unless you are trying to sext/send sexual pictures and videos and think that doing that is a safe way to keep them from getting leaked (which it obviously isn't).

mrs4everhart · November 2014

You lost me at "16" and "snapchat." If you're still miffed a year later about something a high school student said or did, the best and only advice you need is to lighten up and move on. This isn't the stuff real problems are made of.

RebeccaFlower · November 2014

I am a grudge holder, OP. It isn't my best quality, but I really think you need to remember that she is an idiot and 16 years old. I keep telling myself not to base my opinions of others at from high school at 16 because it was a lifetime ago and I, too, was an idiot.

You are the adult and made your choices. She didn't force you to come out. Though, I applaud you for doing it and I hope your journey is a smooth one.

STARMOON44 · November 2014

You're holding a grudge against a 16 yr old over something she said on snapchat a year ago?!? LMAO. Get over yourself.

firebabe6519 · November 2014

Honestly, you just need to move on. She was a stupid high schooler. Can you seriously not just let it go and forget about it?

Knottie93133394 · November 2014

It's not like I think about it often. Like, once every few months? It just really tanked our relationship and it hasn't recovered because everything since has just been neutral. Nothing good to make up for it. It rarely comes to mind but I still don't have fond thoughts associated with her now.

I feel like a lot of you are missing the part where I mentioned my sexuality; this isn't just an issue of immaturity, I was really deeply hurt by having this girl sling homophobic slurs my direction (though indirectly) and I was forced out of the closet to my entire family all at once as a result of the conflict. It's not like said she didn't like my favorite politician or something equally unimportant, this was the #1 thing I was the most sensitive and self-hating about during that time and she really hit me hard there. I don't know, most of you all are women, yeah? Imagine hearing your sibling's SO call someone you care about a c*nt over and over in front of you. That's kind of similar, though not quite, since you wouldn't have that element of closeting.

And I don't get why you read "I want to forget about it and start over" and tell me "well just move on". Okay? You're making such a grand contribution, thank you?

levioosa · November 2014

Knottie93133394 said:

It's not like I think about it often. Like, once every few months? It just really tanked our relationship and it hasn't recovered because everything since has just been neutral. Nothing good to make up for it. It rarely comes to mind but I still don't have fond thoughts associated with her now.

I feel like a lot of you are missing the part where I mentioned my sexuality; this isn't just an issue of immaturity, I was really deeply hurt by having this girl sling homophobic slurs my direction (though indirectly) and I was forced out of the closet to my entire family all at once as a result of the conflict. It's not like said she didn't like my favorite politician or something equally unimportant, this was the #1 thing I was the most sensitive and self-hating about during that time and she really hit me hard there. I don't know, most of you all are women, yeah? Imagine hearing your sibling's SO call someone you care about a c*nt over and over in front of you. That's kind of similar, though not quite, since you wouldn't have that element of closeting.

And I don't get why you read "I want to forget about it and start over" and tell me "well just move on". Okay? You're making such a grand contribution, thank you?

She still didn't "out" you. You made that choice. She is sixteen, stupid, and in high school. You chose to engage her openly in front of your family, instead of just saying, "This is inappropriate. Please refrain from snap chatting me" and stopping it at that. As a stupid teenager, she is going to do and say stupid things. Was I like that at 16? Hell no, but I knew people who were that dumb, and they are (thankfully) much more self aware and mature now. Of course some people never grow up, but you can choose to let it bother you, or you can make the decision to let it roll off of you and move on. Holding grudges doesn't harm anyone but you.

Also, there is very little chance they will stay together once they are out of high school, so you are honestly worrying about things that may not matter in the future anyways. You're making life much harder for yourself than it needs to be. People can change. You yourself said that you would be mortified if anyone judged you based on how you were at sixteen. Extend the same courtesy to her.

levioosa · November 2014

Knottie93133394 said:

That's true, I'd be mortified if my boyfriend's family judged me on who I was when I was 16, so I'll try to keep an eye out for any maturing she does in the next few years. I think it was just especially shocking to me because I went to a pretty progressive high school where no one spoke like that, so it didn't seem like the typical teenage behavior I was used to from my perspective. But she moved here from a different state and maybe her peers behaved differently there. Hopefully heading to college next year will open her eyes.

JIC

AddieCake · November 2014

You are letting a childish, high-schooler's comments and actions hold you hostage. And you were not forced to come out. You chose to do that to tell her it was offensive. You didn't HAVE to come out to tell her it was offensive, especially when you already have family members who are gay. I don't know what you are looking for here. You confronted her. It went how it went. You are still upset and say you want to move on, but you don't want us telling you to move on. What do you want? A script for how to approach her again?

climbingsingle · November 2014

The snapchat was meant for your brother, right? And you decided to out yourself.

Grow up and move on. Seriously.

holyguacamole79 · November 2014

Knottie93133394 said:

It's not like I think about it often. Like, once every few months? It just really tanked our relationship and it hasn't recovered because everything since has just been neutral. Nothing good to make up for it. It rarely comes to mind but I still don't have fond thoughts associated with her now.

I feel like a lot of you are missing the part where I mentioned my sexuality; this isn't just an issue of immaturity, I was really deeply hurt by having this girl sling homophobic slurs my direction (though indirectly) and I was forced out of the closet to my entire family all at once as a result of the conflict. It's not like said she didn't like my favorite politician or something equally unimportant, this was the #1 thing I was the most sensitive and self-hating about during that time and she really hit me hard there. I don't know, most of you all are women, yeah? Imagine hearing your sibling's SO call someone you care about a c*nt over and over in front of you. That's kind of similar, though not quite, since you wouldn't have that element of closeting.

And I don't get why you read "I want to forget about it and start over" and tell me "well just move on". Okay? You're making such a grand contribution, thank you?

The thing is, that's all you can do - move on. Yes, she did a childish and tacky thing. You already let her know how you feel about it. Just let it go.

AddieCake · November 2014

holyguacamole79 said:
The thing is, that's all you can do - move on. Yes, she did a childish and tacky thing. You already let her know how you feel about it. Just let it go.

Exactly. You can either confront her again or just let it go. It's unfair of you to be annoyed with the posters here for telling you to move on when that's exactly what you want to do.

ShesSoCold · November 2014

My H and I are laying together on the couch as I read this. He read most of it and asked me for verification. His response was, "sounds like she's too god damn sensitive". I agree.

novella1186 · November 2014

Any time a story about a fight starts with Snapchat, or any other social media thing, I can tell you that fight is probably stupid and should be forgotten.

I can understand why those comments stung, OP. Someone who didn't know I was Jewish once told a REALLY offensive joke about Jews to me and a couple other friends. It stung. Bad. When he tried to apologize it meant nothing, because in my opinion whether a Jew is standing in front of you or not, you just shouldn't be telling racist jokes like that as if they're funny. They're not funny. Now I know how you feel about Jews, I am a Jew, so go fuck yourself. That was my attitude. So yeah, I get it. I hate the gay slurs even though I'm not gay. I get it. It fucking sucks.

But this was a 16 year old idiot who clearly did not understand what she was saying. You confronted her. Think of that as a great opportunity to TEACH someone. Maybe you made her realize how ugly those words were, and now she'll think twice, so you changed her for the better.

It's time to let it go and move on, for your own sake. If she does it again, go ahead and be pissed. Otherwise, don't waste your time with all this negativity. It's not worth it.

VulgarGirl · November 2014

My brother is 19 and his girlfriend is 18. If his girlfriend used homophobic slurs I'd say something you bet your ass I would. But I'd also remember the stupid shut I said and did as a teenager too and move on. If she kept saying it then yeah we'd have problems. Mostly though I'd just keep calling her on it until she knocked it off.

In order to tell someone not to make homophobic comments one does not need to queer. They simply need to be not a dick. So there was no reason for you to come out. However you did and once you're out you're out.

Reading your post...I don't think you're actually angry at her. I think you're angry at yourself. For coming out before you were ready. Maybe even for being bisexual to begin with. This girl is a target for your own inner anger. She makes a good target but darling she is not the real source of your anger. She is but the tip of a very big anger iceberg hiding under the surface.

And I always though snap chat was just for dick pics.

teddygirl9 · December 2014

How did she force you out of the closet? I don't understand that part.

Other than that, was she rude? Yes, but it's time to move on.

Trying to get over brother's gf inappropriate comments

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