WR: Mini vent - I don't think FI's dad wants to officiate

Hummingbird125 · December 2014

So, ever since realizing that officiants in the NY area can cost several hundred dollars, FI and I wanted someone we knew to get ordained online and officiate our wedding. It's not just the $ - we think it would be much nicer and more personal to have our officiant be someone we know and love, rather than a complete stranger. I did my research, and saw that we would be able to do this. After thinking about who we'd want to perform the ceremony, we decided to ask FI's father. He is a very friendly, talkative, person, and we both thought it was a great way to involve FI's family in the wedding a little more. We actually decided this months ago, but really wanted to ask him in person, so we waited until Thanksgiving to ask.

Right before leaving his parents' house on Saturday morning (we had been up there since Wednesday night), his parents, his youngest sister and her boyfriend, and FI and I were standing in the kitchen. FI said "Dad, Jenn and I have something we've been meaning to ask you about.... we need someone to officiate our wedding, and we were hoping you'd want to do it."

FI's dad seemed really surprised.... but not in a good way. He sort of hemmed and hawed about it. He said something along the lines of "Oh, really? You want me? You don't have anyone on Jenn's side who would want to do it? My first inclination is to... well, I'l love to just get to go to the wedding. Oh... I don't know. But... I mean, we'll do whatever we can to help, so.... I don't know."

FI told him "No pressure" and let him know he could take some time to think about it, and we would let him know what was actually involved.

I'm crushed. I really thought he'd be thrilled and honored that we asked him, and I just wasn't expecting that reaction at all. I don't know what to do now. I haven't really talked to FI about it too much yet, because I'm sure he's disappointed too, and I don't want to make him feel worse.

I don't want to force his dad into doing it if he's not comfortable, but I can't think of anyone else out of our friends/family who I would really want to officiate. Maybe I need to give it a little more thought. Right as we left, both FI's mom and dad told us that they really wanted to help out with the wedding financially a little bit, which is really nice of them, but to be honest, I would have been much more happy if FI's dad had happily accepted our request :-(

cu97tiger · December 2014

To be honest, I wouldn't want to officiate someone's wedding. No matter how much I loved them and couldn't wait to see them married, being the one to officiate it would stress me out.

As the father of the groom, this probably came as a total shock to him. Not to mention that it was done in front of other people, so he probably felt some pressure. Give him a couple days to think about it, and then have your FI call him privately to discuss it. What you're thinking of as an honor may just feel like a 'job' to him, and he might just want to sit back and enjoy the day. Definitely don't take it personally.

minskat30 · December 2014

Awww, I know it sucks when family doesn't want to fill the rolls you want them to at a wedding...I asked my sister (MOH) to give a brief speech at the wedding like H's brother was going to (and gave the speech at her wedding). She would rather just enjoy the wedding and I accepted that. My good friend ended up giving a speech and it was lovely so sometimes these things work out for the best. Try not to take it too personal...being the officient is a HUGE job.

Hummingbird125 · December 2014

You're totally right @cu97tiger and @minskat30 - and I definitely wish FI didn't ask him in front of people. We'll give him a few days, and then I'll have FI call him and make sure he knows that if he's not 100% comfortable doing so, there is no pressure on him to officiate. Now I just wish we had never asked him in the first place, because I feel like it will be awkward no matter the result.

lifeisajourney · December 2014

I wouldnt take it personally. Some people just dont feel comfortable speaking in front of crowds or taking on such an important role. I'm sure it has absolutely nothing to do with how he feels about you or how happy he is for your union

[Deleted User] · December 2014

that is disappointing, @Hummingbird125. hopefully your FI and his dad can have a private talk and smooth over any awkwardness. I'm sure he was flattered, but caught off guard.

kaitlynmichelle · December 2014

That's too bad, but don't take it personally. I think asking people to take on big roles can out them under a lot of pressure.

Originally I had asked BIL to play accoustic guitar at our ceremony while I walked down the aisle. He was so excited to be asked, but when it came down to it, it was too much pressure. He backed out 3 days before we left for the wedding, I managed to gracefully say we would find a back up plan (but the added stress was horrible!).

I can't imagine actually officiating a wedding, that is a lot more pressure! Hopefully if he decides to decline you'll find someone else soon that is a good fit for the role

Our officiant was a stranger but she lived in the area we got married, and communicated with us quite a bit beforehand so she didn't feel like a total stranger. She even met with us the day before to get to know each other, go over the ceremony, etc. I didn't want a stranger either but it worked out so well!

labro · December 2014

I'm so sorry about your FFIL not being as interested as you had hoped he would! I have to agree with @cu97tiger. Don't take it personally!

FWIW, our officiant was a complete stranger to us when we hired him. We completed pre-marital counseling with him though over the course of about 3 months. It really gave us an opportunity to get to know him and for him to get to know us as a couple. He gave an incredibly beautiful and personal ceremony and it felt special even though he wasn't someone we had known for a long period of time. I know things will work out for you guys even if your FFIL doesn't do the ceremony.

lilacck28 · December 2014

I'm sorry it didn't work out the way you wanted. Start saving up to hire an officiant, just in case you can't find anyone who would want to.

I'm in CT, I'm assuming our prices are pretty similar-- Rabbi's were $800-1000. Regular, non denominational officiants were $500-$1000.

The Rabbi we chose is $900. He is very nice, and FI and I talked to him on the phone, and then met with him in person. He fed us pie and we had a 1/2 to an hour long chat. He wants to have dinner with both of our families at some point, so we definitely won't feel like he's a stranger by the time the wedding rolls around.

It was going to be a very expensive cost no matter who we went with, and it was definitely not a cost we wanted to deal with, but that's how it goes. I can't think of one person in my circle (family or friends) that would want to officiate, no matter how vivacious and/ or close to us they are, and there is a certain security in knowing that the person doing your wedding has done this many times and knows what s/he is doing, and that this person is a professional so is not going to freak out because of the pressure and back out at the last minute.

500days · December 2014

I'm so sorry that it went awkwardly. But, you never know, he may want to do it after thinking about it.

I was in a similar situation last year. FI's cousin asked me to be a reader at her wedding and her sponsor for her confirmation (her FI wanted them to get married at his catholic church). FI's family is not catholic and her friends are not catholic...so she asked me since I am catholic. This was at a family gathering...so I was on the spot. I definitely hesitated (awkwardly) about the confirmation sponsor, but was less awkward about being a reader. She found someone on her FI's side to sponsor her and then never mentioned being a reader to me until the week of the wedding. You guys went about it in a much better way with your FFIL.

Maybe he will think it over and be willing to do it. The pressure of the role can be overwhelming, so that's probably what he is feeling. It wouldn't hurt to consider other candidates if you can- or researching areas a little further away for an officiant? It sucks that they are so expensive when your ceremony probably isn't that long. Don't stress though, it will all work out

phira · December 2014

My sister flip-flopped for a while on being a bridesmaid before finally deciding to back out, and I was really hurt. There were plenty of reasons why I felt like she was just making excuses and her decision was based solely on the fact that I'm estranged from our dad. But in the end, it didn't matter; she wasn't comfortable being a bridesmaid, and that was that.

But it was really clear that she was very excited about the wedding, and very happy that I was marrying J, and when it came down to the wedding weekend, she was really enthusiastic and everything was great.

Bottom line: it's okay to be hurt (I was SO upset), but try to remember that it's not personal, that it doesn't mean that your future father-in-law isn't happy and excited and thrilled about your upcoming marriage.

There are lots of benefits to hiring someone, as people have already mentioned. And while it's wonderful to have someone you know officiate, it's also nice knowing you have a practiced professional.

Dignity100 · December 2014

My SIL/Brother asked me and H to be in their wedding. We declined for a couple of reasons, the major one being we weren't supposed to be dating because we worked in the same department with the same manager/lead and there would be other people from the company we were working for at the wedding. There were other reasons where I just wanted to be in the background. He and his wife were hurt that H and I didn't want to be a part of their wedding and we were hurt that they didn't understand our point of view.

As a side note - we used an officiant that I talked to 1 time before the wedding (to book), emailed back and forth a handful of times and met the day of the wedding. My officiant's wife did our "rehearsal" over the phone with us. Everything turned out great and he did a wonderful job.

Hummingbird125 · December 2014

@TwoDimes - Ugh, sorry you're in the same situation! I've already started researching professional officiants. I'm still thinking about whether there is someone else we'd like to ask. On my local board, someone said it would cost $500-$1000 for a secular officiant. There is NO WAY I'm spending that much money for someone to talk for a max of...10 minutes. No. Way. So, we'll see. Hopefully I can find some reasonable quotes!

cu97tiger · December 2014

Have you asked your venue if they have a list of officiants that have been used in the past? $500 seems pretty steep.

Dignity100 · December 2014

Have you checked with the JOP to see if they would come out to your location and what their service fee might be?

phira · December 2014

JOPs are definitely cheaper than $500.

Hummingbird125 · December 2014

@cu97tiger @phira @dignity100 - I will be reaching out to the person who runs the venue, and the DOC I just hired - I'm sure both of them will have suggestions! Thanks!

eilis1228 · December 2014

Aw, I'm sorry he doesn't seem eager to officiate. I imagine it's a bit of pressure. My brother just officiated one of his friends' weddings, and he said that he was really really looking forward to it, but when he got up there, he got really nervous and forgot a bunch of his lines. It's probably about ten times more nerve-wracking than giving a public presentation, you know? Is there anyone else you'd be comfortable asking? A close friend maybe?

We asked FI's father to officiate our wedding too, and he said yes but also seemed really thrown at first. He kept asking why he was doing the preacher's job lol. It may take your FFIL some time to digest the role you asked him to play, and he may come around a bit. I would talk to him more about it privately, but of course emphasize that there's no pressure.

lilacck28 · December 2014

l mentioned the $500-$1000 secular officiant fee. When I was looking around for officiants, that's the price I found.

I was floored. Maybe I was looking in the wrong places (I and my mother did lots of google searches), but I legitimately did not see anyone advertised as a wedding officiant in my area that was charging less than that. ETA: there might have been a few, but they DEFINITELY looked like skeezeballs.

It didn't end up mattering, because we decided to have a rabbi... and they REALLY were $800-$1000, because FI and I are not religious, but we wanted to please family... and a spade is a spade. We're both Jewish. We met on J Date (thanks for making me, grandma!) Since all the secular officiants we found were $500 anyway, we just said... let's do it full speed.

Anyway, that fee is capital P, Painful. He costs more than my dress. And probably more than what my wedding ring will cost. ACK. But, that's the choice we made. We're not going to the courthouse, we wanted a bigger thing. So we have to bite the bullet and pay the exorbitant fee. But at least we know he is trustworthy (some of the advertised officiants I found just didn't seem like they would be...) and that he is most likely going to show up, and that he knows what he's doing since he's done it so many times before.

500days · December 2014

I know there were plenty of JOP for way less than $500 around me (RI/MA). I went with an officiant that's usually $750, but he gave me a discount so only $500. I wanted someone that would help me create our ceremony, and the JOPs seemed to be more impersonal.

WR: Mini vent - I don't think FI's dad wants to officiate

Re: WR: Mini vent - I don't think FI's dad wants to officiate

Choose Another Board

Search Boards