HELP mom is worried about the guest list

Re: HELP mom is worried about the guest list

• sarawifenow member

  

  December 2014

  First off, who is paying for the wedding? This will change the type of answers you get.

   

  This is different for everyone, but H and my rule when making our guest list was that anyone we didn't talk to (meaningful convos not passing hello's) in the past year did not make the list.

  

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• Jen4948 member

  

  December 2014 edited December 2014

  Yes, it's okay not to invite neighbors, distant relatives, and childhood friends you are not close to and/or haven't had contact with in years.
  
  I'd consider who you are close to and who is absolutely essential with their SOs and then perhaps add in circles. The one true rule of invitations is that couples must be invited together, and that anyone who is paying gets a say. But you don't have to offer any explanations for why someone isn't invited beyond "It isn't possible for us to invite everyone we'd like" if you get asked about why someone isn't invited.
  
  Edited to add: One way to minimize hurt feelings is to not discuss your wedding when non-guests are present and to change the subject should someone bring it up.

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• mikenberger member

  

  December 2014

  You just have to make hard choices if you're on a budget.I wouldn't concern myself with distant relatives or childhood friends unless you have a relationship with these people. I thought of it, do I have their phone number so I can ask for their address or do I already have their address? If I had their number, they were important enough (I keep my contact book very small). And perfectly okay not to invite neighbors. The list of people you HAVE to invite is very small: you. Your fiance. Your officiant. One witness (or two depending on your state.) And people that are paying for the wedding.
  
  If people believe they should be invited, repeat this "I'm sorry. I wish we could've invited everybody, but we just couldn't. How about the weather?! Cold one day, hot the next!...." And move along the conversation. You don't owe them an explanation about your financials. Or anything for that matter. People shouldn't presume they're invited simply because they knew you at some point in your life.

  
  

  
  

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• climbingsingle member

  

  December 2014

  I personally didn't invite people I hadn't seen in years. That included extended family members. You have to drawn the line somewhere, you know? You can't invite everyone you've ever been close with.

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• esstee33 member

  

  December 2014

  Knottie47688424 said:

  We have a budget for 150 people and my mom is having trouble dwindling the list down from over 200. My in-laws get 50, my fiance and I get 50 and my parents get 50. We all know a good bit of people in our own lives, so I figured it was fair. My parents don't have a problem with equally splitting the guest list, but shes so worried about hurting someone feelings that she is having a hard time taking people off the list.  Is it OK not to invite neighbors, or distant relatives that we never see? What about not inviting childhood friends I haven't seen in years? We are on a tight, tight budget and I hope people can understand.  How can we go about deciding who to invite and who its OK not to invite? 

  As PPs said, depending on who's paying, that may change the circumstances. In general, though, regarding the bolded: 

  
  

  OMG YES, it's definitely OK. Your wedding is not a block party or family reunion. You're not obligated to invite everyone you've ever been close to in your life. 

  
  

  I had some very close friends a few years back, and we've largely fallen out of touch, though we sorta keep up on social media (as much as we can since I deleted my FB). I would absolutely not invite them to my wedding, as much as I care about them. We're just not close. 

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• Knottie47688424 member

  

  December 2014

  Well, between my fiance and myself, my parents, god parents, and future in-laws we are all contributing a hefty amount each to different aspects of the wedding. But its not really about who gets the say so, my mom is just the sweetest person I know and she doesn't like hurting peoples feelings, and I just needed to know what to tell her. Shes worried about keeping with the budget, but we have so much extended family that if we invite them, we will be leaving out people we have relationships with or we will end up paying more than we really can just to invite people we don't associate with.  

  
  

  And I agree, our wedding is not a block party or family reunion, so I figured not inviting family that we don't associate with regularly much less see every year are not vital to the list. 

  
  

  Thanks ladies

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• novella1186 member

  

  December 2014

  My dad has three sisters. Two of them keep in contact, we call each other, e-mail, visit even though they live far away, etc. The third sister I haven't seen or spoken to in over 15 years and I don't know her at all. Guess which one is not invited to my wedding? 

  
  

  I cut the guest list this way: If I don't know them, they're not coming (so my dad's giant group of 4th cousins who I've never ever met? Not invited). If I haven't had a real conversation with them in over 2 years, they're not coming (so all my high school and college friends that I USED to be close with and now never speak to because we just lost touch over time? Not invited)

  
  

  Setting guidelines like this makes it easier, and yeah it sucks thinking you might hurt someone's feelings, but sticking to your budget is important! Make the tough cuts, then move on and don't worry about it. 

  

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• nicole4793 member

  

  December 2014

  For FI and I, we made sure that if we were inviting 1 of our cousins, all of our cousins would be invited. That being said, for our parents' cousins and distant relatives we invited the people that we actually see on a regular basis or at least stay in touch with. FI's great aunt & uncle will most likely be enraged that they are invited but all 6 of their kids, kids' spouses, and even their kids won't be invited.... But we don't even know their names! People need to realize that this is a wedding, not a family reunion. I absolutely think it's okay not to invite neighbors and distant relatives that you never speak to.

  
  

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• XrebeccaX member

  

  December 2014

  I would follow the advice of the PP who recommended making a list of the VIPs who you absolutely can't imagine not inviting, and then add in circles. And keep the wedding planning talk at a minimum around those who won't be invited.

  
  

  We got married out of town and my mom threw us an AHR. The guest list got quickly out of hand due to the specter of "hurt feelings."

  
  

  I think a lot of people struggle with this because it has become so common to broadcast every stage of wedding planning over social media (not that you are doing this, of course). I've seen several Facebook friends post details of dress fittings, venue tours, caterer tastings etc complete with pictures. I would imagine that many people could assume they were invited or find it strange to know all the details and yet not be invited to take part in the event!

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• teddygirl9 member

  

  December 2014

  novella1186 said:

  My dad has three sisters. Two of them keep in contact, we call each other, e-mail, visit even though they live far away, etc. The third sister I haven't seen or spoken to in over 15 years and I don't know her at all. Guess which one is not invited to my wedding? 

  
  

  I cut the guest list this way: If I don't know them, they're not coming (so my dad's giant group of 4th cousins who I've never ever met? Not invited). If I haven't had a real conversation with them in over 2 years, they're not coming (so all my high school and college friends that I USED to be close with and now never speak to because we just lost touch over time? Not invited)

  
  

  Setting guidelines like this makes it easier, and yeah it sucks thinking you might hurt someone's feelings, but sticking to your budget is important! Make the tough cuts, then move on and don't worry about it. 

  Does this apply if Dad is footing part of the bill?

   

  I know my SO's bro had this issue...His dad wanted to invite people he himself hadn't seen in 20 years, so obviously the bride and groom had no fucking clue who they were, and didn't really want them at the wedding, but ended up obliging because dad was paying part of it.
  

  

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• downtondiva member

  

  December 2014

  There is nothing wrong with not inviting people that you're generally not close to or that you haven't seen/spoken to in years, especially if would mean having to exclude people with whom you are actually close. Frankly, a lot of the people you're talking about probably will understand and may not even expect to be invited to your wedding. And if they don't get it and are offended, how much does it really matter to you?

  
  

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• twitterbird member

  

  December 2014

  I have a pretty large extended family and had to make choices. I invited all aunts and uncles but not all of my first cousins. I'm a lot younger than most of my cousins so the decisions were pretty easy. I invited those I keep in contact with for the most part. My fiance on the other had has a small extended family and we invited all of those first cousins and SOs. We only invited one neighbour (the one we're closest to). I didn't invite any childhood friends I never see and I wasn't invited to their weddings either.
  

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• SP29 member

  

  December 2014

  You can invite anyone you want, or not invite anyone you don't want, as long as you follow rules of etiquette (i.e. those you invite must include their SO). 

  
  

  Generally it's best to invite in circles (i.e. first cousins), but even then, you can invite one of your dad's sisters and her husband but not invite his other sister and her husband. I am just using this an example though- of course since your parent's are contributing you should talk to your parents about these guests and you *may* have some hurt feelings, but just so you know there is no rule saying you have to invite every single person you have ever met.

  
  

  I agree with the idea that this isn't a block party or a family reunion. Personally, I prefer smaller weddings, these are people you are inviting because you want them to share in your wedding and support your marriage. 

  
  

  DH and I made a soft rule of, if we haven't seen or talked to someone in 1 year, we weren't going to invite them. Of course some exceptions were made and some caving in to family members happened (i.e. the grandmothers!! So hard to say no to grandma...), but for the most part it worked out really well.

  
  

  Start with VIPs and then go from there. 

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• [Deleted User] member

  

  December 2014 edited December 2014

  Your wedding is your opportunity to select those individual who you wish to share in your special day, who have or have had an impact on your life, and those with whom you have a meaningful relationship.  Now, after following proper etiquette for who pays has a say and keeping SO/social units together, evaluate who you sincerely wish to share in this occasion with you.

  
  

  If it's a neighbor you haven't seen or spoken to in years, it's perfectly find not to include them.  My husband and I come from small to average size families, so we didn't have a lot of distant relations to involve, but we did acquiesce to family friends that we may not have known so well, since my parents were paying for our wedding.  However, when selecting friends and such, we went with those who had an impact on our relationship together or who we truly wanted to share in the occasion.  

  
  

  It's also is extremely important to keep in mind that you should not discuss the wedding in front of those who we were not invited.  It really only got awkward for me at work as my then co-workers were very nosy and wanted both details and fished for invites.  I would politely change the subject as quickly as possible.  (Fortunately, I left the job before the invitations were sent out.)  I would also limit social media posts about the wedding.

  
  

  It's a really good rule of thumb to make sure you have a relationship with the couple.  We were invited to a wedding for a couple where I've met the bride twice (total of less than 10 minutes interaction), groom once, and were solely Facebook connections.  I couldn't tell you a single personal thing about them. (Long story short, they un-invited us.)

  
  

   
  

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