Bridesmaids

[Deleted User] · December 2014

I feel like I didn't word this right in the first place. I guess it's hard to understand the situation if you aren't near it. That's fine, thank you to those of you who responded helpfully.

landa10315 · December 2014

Why did you ask her to be a bridesmaid in the first place if you haven't been on good terms for years? It sounds like you don't want to be friends with her anymore, so asking her to step down from your wedding party shouldn't be an issue. It will be a friendship ending move.

Viczaesar · December 2014

MandaMouse28 said:

I got engaged a year ago and I asked my bridal party really quickly. I'm getting married in a year and am just now starting to plan. I asked my sisters, future sister-in-laws and high school best friends to be in my wedding. My problem is that my best friend from high school and I have not been on amazing terms the past few years. I am great friends with her sister who is also in my wedding. She's close with everyone else in my bridal party and I'm close with her mom as well. We're too connected but I know neither of us care to be friends anymore. Everytime we see each other she is rude to me without others noticing for the most part. She acts like she's better than me and I can't stand being around her. She recently got engaged as well and didn't even tell me… I found out on Facebook. This will give her another reason to act as if she's better than me and knows more than me. I really don't want to deal with this at all! She'll make everything so much harder. She was never excited for my fiancé and I when we were first dating or when we got engaged. Is there any way I can suggest she isn't a bridesmaid in my wedding without causing drama?

If you don't want to be friends with her anymore, ovary up and end the friendship, straight up. Her involvement in your wedding will end as a result. If you're not ready to end the friendship, you're stuck with her as a bridesmaid.

[Deleted User] · December 2014

The problem is I don't want to create drama involving her mom & sister who I'm close to. Otherwise I would, easy.

[Deleted User] · December 2014

It's because of her sister and mom and our mutual close friends. Its like we stay "friends" because of them.

Viczaesar · December 2014

MandaMouse28 said:

The problem is I don't want to create drama involving her mom & sister who I'm close to. Otherwise I would, easy.

Then she's still your bridesmaid. Kicking someone out of your wedding is a friendship-ending move; if you're not ready to end the friendship, don't do the kicking. All she has to do is show up at your wedding in the right dress, which should be selected with her budget and comfort in mind.

CMGragain · December 2014

MandaMouse28 said:

I got engaged a year ago and I asked my bridal party really quickly. I'm getting married in a year and am just now starting to plan. I asked my sisters, future sister-in-laws and high school best friends to be in my wedding. My problem is that my best friend from high school and I have not been on amazing terms the past few years. I am great friends with her sister who is also in my wedding. She's close with everyone else in my bridal party and I'm close with her mom as well. We're too connected but I know neither of us care to be friends anymore. Everytime we see each other she is rude to me without others noticing for the most part. She acts like she's better than me and I can't stand being around her. She recently got engaged as well and didn't even tell me… I found out on Facebook. This will give her another reason to act as if she's better than me and knows more than me. I really don't want to deal with this at all! She'll make everything so much harder. She was never excited for my fiancé and I when we were first dating or when we got engaged. Is there any way I can suggest she isn't a bridesmaid in my wedding without causing drama?

This is entirely your own fault. You asked your bridesmaids too early. Now you will look like the rude, selfish bride of the year if you try to "un-invite" a bridesmaid. (There is no such word as un-invite.) Take responsibility for your own mistakes and treat her as you would any other friend who is going to be in your wedding party.
NO, YOU CANNOT "UN-INVITE" A BRIDESMAID!

Your post sounds like high school drama. How old are you?

LondonLisa · December 2014

Removing someone from a Bridal Party is a fairly extreme move. You were close enough at some point to want her there. If I heard about a bride who did that, I would potentially reevaluate my friendship with her. There is no way someone could do that to my sister without me judging them. Also, how can someone be rude and belittling in a group setting with only you noticing? Are you sure you aren't reading into it a bit much? Similarly, the engagement thing is ridiculous. So she didn't call you, but I don't see how that is her being better than you. You aren't mature enough to get married if you care about drama on Facebook....

esstee33 · December 2014

Her being a bridesmaid doesn't involve anything more than her getting the dress and standing up there on your wedding day. It will be far less dramatic to just let that happen without incident, and then let the friendship just fade away after that.

There's no way to kick someone out of your bridal party without severely damaging your friendship. Since you're also close with her sister and mom, you're likely to cause a rift with them, too. I highly doubt it's worth the drama and resulting hurt feelings on all sides.

Lurkers, take note: this is why we say to hold off on asking your bridal party for a little while!

novella1186 · December 2014

Am I the only one who felt like the original post read like a junior high saga? It all sounds really immature.

If this girl's attitude is bugging you so much, keep some distance from her. Re-evaluate what you're actually so mad at her about because it sounds like you need to let some things go and not take everything so seriously. She acts rude to you but no one else notices? She thinks she's better than you, how?

There's no way to kick her out without causing drama. So be ready for a shit storm, or just leave it alone.

climbingsingle · December 2014

I don't really see any way you can do this without causing drama. I don't even understand why you asked her in the first place. So what if you're close to her mom and sister? That doesn't mean you're required to be close to her too.

If you no longer want to be friends with her, then tell her you changed your mind. That will be the end of your friendship most likely. And it will probably affect your relationships with her mom and sister. Regardless of what went down and how you feel about this girl, if someone kicked my sibling out of their wedding, it would change the way I feel about them.

Case in point - I was in a friend's wedding a few years ago. She kicked a bridesmaid out after one month because she couldn't make it to a dress shopping excursion. The way she behaved towards someone that was supposed to be a dear friend really made me question why I was even friends with her, and what kind of person she was. We're no longer friends, at my choice.

I personally don't think you should kick her out. You asked her. You made your bed, now you'll have to lay in it.

abbyj700 · December 2014

I'm also interested in OP's age as this seems very immature.

You say you're not longer friends with this girl - yet you're upset you learned of her engagement through facebook? She's supposed to call someone she's not close to to tell them before posting on FB? And you automatically read her getting engaged and posting on FB before telling you as ANYTHING that has to do with you? And more importantly you think it's some sort of statement that she's better than you? Ever think her actions about a happy moment in her life have nothing to do with you?

You sound immature at best.

peachy13 · December 2014

You shouldn't have asked your bridal party so early, and you definitely shouldn't have asked someone to be your bridesmaid if you "haven't been on amazing terms the last few years."

But in your defense OP, this happens a lot. I know so many people who ask their bridal party right after they're engaged because of reasons like "we were so close growing up!" "I've known her forever!" And then come to find out during your engagement, you're really not that close with this person anymore... maybe you were friends a few years ago but now things have changed. I don't think it would be a good idea to un-invite her to be a bridesmaid. You still wanted her to be your bridesmaid at some point, despite the fact that you're not that close anymore, and that is not your friend's fault.

[Deleted User] · December 2014

MairePoppy · December 2014

MandaMouse28 said:

The problem is I don't want to create drama involving her mom & sister who I'm close to. Otherwise I would, easy.

You've answered your own question. You don't want drama, so you can't kick her out of your wedding party. If you're concerned with her one upping you, don't discuss your wedding plans with her. She needs to know about ordering her dress and should be invited to your shower, bp and rd, if you're having them.

By the way, each bm should be asked, privately, about her dress budget before you pick anything out.

Edit - spelling

XrebeccaX · December 2014

If someone is rude and acts superior to you that says way more about her than it does about you. (Sorry to sound like a needlepoint pillow but there you have it.) She sounds like a pretty miserable person, but if you are "too connected" then I would just deal with it. You asked her too early and now you are kind of stuck with her.

And whatever you do, if she asks you to be in her wedding, just decline politely and move on!

[Deleted User] · December 2014

Ok, I know I acted too soon with asking her. I asked her so to not create drama. It's gotten really bad the past year but it's mostly unspoken. It's very apparent to people closest to me, but to the other girls we hang out with, they don't notice. I was much closer with her and know the kind of person she is and what she does and why she acts the way she does at times. I was hoping someone might know of a way I could "let her off the hook" without it being like I'm actually kicking her out. She's been creating drama between us the past few years and I don't know if I want her around as often as a bridesmaid needs to be, that is what I mean. If you're going to be condescending, please don't comment, you're all supposed to be adults as well, no need to be mean to people on the internet, thanks.

Viczaesar · December 2014

MandaMouse28 said:

Ok, I know I acted too soon with asking her. I asked her so to not create drama. It's gotten really bad the past year but it's mostly unspoken. It's very apparent to people closest to me, but to the other girls we hang out with, they don't notice. I was much closer with her and know the kind of person she is and what she does and why she acts the way she does at times. I was hoping someone might know of a way I could "let her off the hook" without it being like I'm actually kicking her out. She's been creating drama between us the past few years and I don't know if I want her around as often as a bridesmaid needs to be, that is what I mean. If you're going to be condescending, please don't comment, you're all supposed to be adults as well, no need to be mean to people on the internet, thanks.

You don't get to control how we respond.

artbyallie · December 2014

MandaMouse28 said:

Ok, I know I acted too soon with asking her. I asked her so to not create drama. It's gotten really bad the past year but it's mostly unspoken. It's very apparent to people closest to me, but to the other girls we hang out with, they don't notice. I was much closer with her and know the kind of person she is and what she does and why she acts the way she does at times. I was hoping someone might know of a way I could "let her off the hook" without it being like I'm actually kicking her out. She's been creating drama between us the past few years and I don't know if I want her around as often as a bridesmaid needs to be, that is what I mean. If you're going to be condescending, please don't comment, you're all supposed to be adults as well, no need to be mean to people on the internet, thanks.

No one was mean. Just ignore her drama. Anything you could possibly say regarding her dropping out of the wedding would without fail be construed as kicking her out. We have had this conversation multiple times with multiple brides and that's always the answer. It's never possible to politely kick someone out of your wedding and whatever wording you use to pretty it up, that's what it is.

MobKaz · December 2014

MandaMouse28 said:

Ok, I know I acted too soon with asking her. I asked her so to not create drama. It's gotten really bad the past year but it's mostly unspoken. It's very apparent to people closest to me, but to the other girls we hang out with, they don't notice. I was much closer with her and know the kind of person she is and what she does and why she acts the way she does at times. I was hoping someone might know of a way I could "let her off the hook" without it being like I'm actually kicking her out. She's been creating drama between us the past few years and I don't know if I want her around as often as a bridesmaid needs to be, that is what I mean. If you're going to be condescending, please don't comment, you're all supposed to be adults as well, no need to be mean to people on the internet, thanks.

Obviously, you hope your BM's will participate in some of your pre-wedding activities. But the bottom line is that a BM does not NEED to be around until the day of your wedding. As long as she purchases the dress, stop worrying about anything else.

esstee33 · December 2014

MandaMouse28 said: Ok, I know I acted too soon with asking her. I asked her so to not create drama. It's gotten really bad the past year but it's mostly unspoken. It's very apparent to people closest to me, but to the other girls we hang out with, they don't notice. I was much closer with her and know the kind of person she is and what she does and why she acts the way she does at times. I was hoping someone might know of a way I could "let her off the hook" without it being like I'm actually kicking her out. She's been creating drama between us the past few years and I don't know if I want her around as often as a bridesmaid needs to be, that is what I mean. If you're going to be condescending, please don't comment, you're all supposed to be adults as well, no need to be mean to people on the internet, thanks.
*************************

There isn't because that is kicking her out.

Bridesmaids don't need to be around for anything until the wedding day. If you're asking more of them than that, you need to check your expectations.

MairePoppy · December 2014

Call her to let her know you are looking at bm dresses and need to know her budget. Between your fizzling friendship and her own wedding plans, she may have decided that she doesn't have the time or money to be in your wedding party. If she gives you her budget, your next call should be to let her know the ordering info for the dress. If she orders her dress, fine. If she doesn't, she will have removed herself from your wedding party. There's no way to fire a bm, without causing drama. But it's perfectly acceptable to drop out of a wedding party, so maybe that's how this will play out.

The only other option is to end the friendship and that will automatically take her out of your party. There are no magic words to make her disappear.

novella1186 · December 2014

Just because people are saying things you don't want to hear or don't agree with does not mean anyone was being mean to you. People on these boards are honest and just tell it like it is, so that people who post for advice (such as yourself) get the benefit of very honest, straight-forward answers.

We're telling you, there is no way to "let her off the hook" without causing drama and upsetting people. If you ask her if she wants out, she'll likely misconstrue that as you kicking her out and it will not go well. The people who replied to you are trying to save you from dealing with the blow-up that will inevitably happen.

And yes, we're adults, so you cannot tell us how to post on the internet.

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