Another Question re: No Kids Allowed

amtoronto82 · December 2014

Hi everyone!

I know that the topic of not inviting children to your wedding is a hot one... And honestly, for a long while I considered not putting an age restriction on attendees but now I starting to change my mind.

We have to meet a minimum of 100 people for our venue and we're already probably going to be just shy of that number. Kids under a certain age will not count towards the minimum but obviously they're going to eat anyway if they're there...

But aside from that, there would probably be 10-15 kids under the age of 10 and I just don't want to deal with it!

My problem is that MOST of them would be coming with people who are traveling from out of state. I'm afraid that if I limit the age of attending children to 10+, the out of state families with kids under that age will not come.

So my questions are....

1) has anyone ever offered a babysitting service at their hotel?

2) is it really even necessary, or do most people just assume that small children will not be invited?

Thank you! I'm so torn over this!!

Ali

novella1186 · December 2014

1) I haven't personally done this, but it's pretty common in my circle

2) No, it's not necessary, but it's a nice gesture for the out of town people to have an option, since they likely won't personally know any babysitters in the area. Their only other option would be to travel without their kids, which they may, but some may not want to. You should let these people know that you're offering the babysitter (if that's what you choose to do) as a courtesy to them, and I'm sure they'll appreciate it and be less likely to decline based on the kid thing.

Most people do NOT assume small children are not invited. I know a lot of people that CHOOSE on their own not to bring their small children to events like this, just because they enjoy having an adult night out, but usually weddings are family events so I think the tendency would be to assume that kids of all ages ARE invited (depending on how you address the invites, and even then people might not catch on) ya know what I mean?

novella1186 · December 2014

Just thought of something. What if one family has a 6 year old and an 11 year old. Are you going to invite the older kid, but not the younger kid? Because some people may find that offensive.

redoryx · December 2014

novella1186 said:

Just thought of something. What if one family has a 6 year old and an 11 year old. Are you going to invite the older kid, but not the younger kid? Because some people may find that offensive.

Not just offensive, it's against etiquette to break up families like that.

abbyj700 · December 2014

We had a lot of no's due to people with children having to travel (and not inviting kids). Honestly - I don't think you offering babysitting will help much. Would cousin Sally really want to travel with her small child to have a complete stranger watch them while she's at your wedding? In most cases, I'd say probably not. It may help your numbers a little bit - but I'd think in general it won't. Traveling with children can be tough, and leaving your kids with someone you don't know, even harder.

Maggie0829 · December 2014

amtoronto82 said:

Hi everyone! I know that the topic of not inviting children to your wedding is a hot one... And honestly, for a long while I considered not putting an age restriction on attendees but now I starting to change my mind. We have to meet a minimum of 100 people for our venue and we're already probably going to be just shy of that number. Kids under a certain age will not count towards the minimum but obviously they're going to eat anyway if they're there... But aside from that, there would probably be 10-15 kids under the age of 10 and I just don't want to deal with it! My problem is that MOST of them would be coming with people who are traveling from out of state. I'm afraid that if I limit the age of attending children to 10+, the out of state families with kids under that age will not come. So my questions are.... 1) has anyone ever offered a babysitting service at their hotel? 2) is it really even necessary, or do most people just assume that small children will not be invited? Thank you! I'm so torn over this!! Ali

Do you actually have to have 100 people in person at your wedding? Or is it more like you have to pay for a minimum of 100 people but if you only have 80 in attendance that is fine? I am thinking it is more the latter unless your venue is going to do a headcount and then cancel your reception if 100 people don't show up.

There have been a few brides on here that have offered or thought about baby sitting services. What you have to remember is that you can't force people to use the service and some parents are not comfortable having a stranger watch their kid. Also, what will you do if one or more the kids just has to be with his/her parents (like full on tantrum with the babysitter) and the parents go and get their kid and bring him/her to the reception? Will you kick them out?

No one should assume anyone is invited but in my real life and stories on here you will be surprised to see how many parents expect their children to be welcomed to everything.

Look you need to decide what is more important...

1) Inviting those out of town guests?

2) Not inviting them and then not having to deal with the kids?

And I am not sure what you mean by "dealing with the kids?"

Finally, if you do decide to put an age limit in effect, know that you cannot split up families. So if you have a family that has a 10 year old and a 16 year old you can't just invite the 16 year old. It is either all or nothing when it comes to families with multiple children.

Couggal12 · December 2014

If you are inviting people from out of state with children and they know they cannot bring their kids, be prepared that many will decline. If having an adult wedding is important to you then you will have to accept that. Also don't assume people know that small children aren't invited. My H and I had an adult wedding. One of guests showed up with her 11 month old son even though another friend of mine told her it was an adult wedding.

lyndausvi · December 2014

My wedding was 100% OOT for our guests (even us).

Our social group is mostly kid-free, but will invite in circles regardless of age. I.e. it's pretty standard if you see a child it's because they are either the child, sibling, niece/nephew or first cousin of the couple. It's rare to see a boat load of kids from friends or extended family at any wedding.

We only invited my nieces and nephews. DH doesn't have any. We didn't have any kids in the other groups so that was not an issue. Had I had any under aged 1st cousin we would have invited them.

We invited 174 people. 147 accepted. Everyone who had young kids (some as young as 6 months) accepted even though their kids were not invited. Meaning none of the declines were a result of their kid not being invited.

dcbride86 · December 2014

I don't think it's necessary to offer babysitting services, but it is very much appreciated.

We're only inviting family children (and they're all in the wedding), but we are offering babysitting services to others. Honestly, though, not a lot of out-of-towners have children, so I don't think it will be that many people. If we were paying for 100 children to be babysat or something, I might reconsider the offer.

Also, while we are inviting family children, FSIL said that she might want to have a kid-free night after dinner so she doesn't feel bad about partying, so we're also paying for babysitting for the family kids (if their parents want to have a partially kid-free night). The babysitter will come to the venue after dinner and a bit of dancing, and will hang out with them in one of the parents' rooms until the reception is over.

lovegood90 · December 2014

IMHO, offering babysitting could get sticky. Ie if your babysitter is onsite, what if one of the kids acts up because he/she wants to be near his/her parents and just comes next door to the wedding anyway?

If I were having a wedding with no kids I'd just let the parents handle childcare themselves. I think it gets too complicated if you get involved with it because you can't really control where they go at the end of the day.

You're perfectly within your rights to not invite children, but like other PPs have said, you shouldn't break up families and be prepared for a higher likelihood of declines if they're OOT.

amtoronto82 · December 2014

Wow, you guys are awesome! Thank you so much for the quick and HELPFUL!! replies!

To clarify:

1) of the 10-15 small children in consideration, about half would be from direct relatives, not just friends.

2) when I mentioned it was something I didn't want deal with, I was thinking about things like them running around, temper tantrums, etc.

3) if we don't meet the 100 people minimum, we have to pay for them anyway

Are there places out there that cancel your reception if you don't meet the minimum?? Yikes! At first I was concerned about feeding kids that counting towards my minimum... But if I have to pay for 100 and only 80 show up, I'm paying regardless, right? So in the end, it doesn't matter who's eating it!

However, in light of all of your responses, I think maybe I'll stick with the original plan of inviting everyone (since it never occurred to me that I can't break up families and that would be the case in at least families on our list), and maybe I can just offer a kids table of sorts, instead? Or maybe offer a sitter AT the venue (as opposed to the hotel which was original plan) and have a spot available on the lower level for kids activities so they have somewhere to go to color or run around or whatever?

Ali

Jen4948 · December 2014

Everyone will advise you against "kids' tables" because nobody likes the idea of not seating kids with their parents. There will also be those who advise against a kids' spot for the same reason you're being advised against the babysitting: Too many parents don't want to leave their kids unsupervised or with strangers, especially if the spot is not in the same room as the parents are.

novella1186 · December 2014

amtoronto82 said:

Wow, you guys are awesome! Thank you so much for the quick and HELPFUL!! replies! To clarify: 1) of the 10-15 small children in consideration, about half would be from direct relatives, not just friends. 2) when I mentioned it was something I didn't want deal with, I was thinking about things like them running around, temper tantrums, etc. 3) if we don't meet the 100 people minimum, we have to pay for them anyway Are there places out there that cancel your reception if you don't meet the minimum?? Yikes! At first I was concerned about feeding kids that counting towards my minimum... But if I have to pay for 100 and only 80 show up, I'm paying regardless, right? So in the end, it doesn't matter who's eating it! However, in light of all of your responses, I think maybe I'll stick with the original plan of inviting everyone (since it never occurred to me that I can't break up families and that would be the case in at least families on our list), and maybe I can just offer a kids table of sorts, instead? Or maybe offer a sitter AT the venue (as opposed to the hotel which was original plan) and have a spot available on the lower level for kids activities so they have somewhere to go to color or run around or whatever? Ali

I think this is a really great idea and will probably help keep most of the kids occupied so they're not tearing around the place. Most kids I know will sit and color if there's paper and crayons around, and would rather do that than hang out with adults anyway.

Maggie0829 · December 2014

amtoronto82 said:

Wow, you guys are awesome! Thank you so much for the quick and HELPFUL!! replies! To clarify: 1) of the 10-15 small children in consideration, about half would be from direct relatives, not just friends. 2) when I mentioned it was something I didn't want deal with, I was thinking about things like them running around, temper tantrums, etc. 3) if we don't meet the 100 people minimum, we have to pay for them anyway Are there places out there that cancel your reception if you don't meet the minimum?? Yikes! At first I was concerned about feeding kids that counting towards my minimum... But if I have to pay for 100 and only 80 show up, I'm paying regardless, right? So in the end, it doesn't matter who's eating it! However, in light of all of your responses, I think maybe I'll stick with the original plan of inviting everyone (since it never occurred to me that I can't break up families and that would be the case in at least families on our list), and maybe I can just offer a kids table of sorts, instead? Or maybe offer a sitter AT the venue (as opposed to the hotel which was original plan) and have a spot available on the lower level for kids activities so they have somewhere to go to color or run around or whatever? Ali

If, say, you only get 80 guests who RSVP yes then talk to your venue about adding on an additional appetizer or two or increasing the quality of your bar to make up the difference in price.

Honestly, I think brides tend to get overly concern when it comes to kids at their weddings. Yes, it is a nice gesture to have activities on hand, like coloring books, games, etc, but at the end of the day the kids are the responsiblity of the parents, not you and most parents (hopefully) know what their kid is into and what will keep him or her occupied if they get bored.

dcbride86 · December 2014

amtoronto82 said:

Wow, you guys are awesome! Thank you so much for the quick and HELPFUL!! replies! To clarify: 1) of the 10-15 small children in consideration, about half would be from direct relatives, not just friends. 2) when I mentioned it was something I didn't want deal with, I was thinking about things like them running around, temper tantrums, etc. 3) if we don't meet the 100 people minimum, we have to pay for them anyway Are there places out there that cancel your reception if you don't meet the minimum?? Yikes! At first I was concerned about feeding kids that counting towards my minimum... But if I have to pay for 100 and only 80 show up, I'm paying regardless, right? So in the end, it doesn't matter who's eating it! However, in light of all of your responses, I think maybe I'll stick with the original plan of inviting everyone (since it never occurred to me that I can't break up families and that would be the case in at least families on our list), and maybe I can just offer a kids table of sorts, instead? Or maybe offer a sitter AT the venue (as opposed to the hotel which was original plan) and have a spot available on the lower level for kids activities so they have somewhere to go to color or run around or whatever? Ali

I would try to hire more than 1 babysitter if you're going to offer babysitting services. 10-15 kids is a lot for 1 person to handle - especially kids running around a nice venue. I would ask 3-4 probably. You can probably find high school or college kids who will babysit for pretty cheap, and maybe you could think of some activities to try to keep the kids busy so they aren't trying to run over to their parents.

novella1186 · December 2014

Try to find a portable DVD player or laptop that can play movies (or maybe the venue has something) and put on an animated movie like Frozen or Monsters Inc or whatever it is kids watch these days. They'll be mesmerized and won't make a peep

That was always my go-to babysitting trick.

lyndausvi · December 2014

I'm an old fart. Ipads, DVD players and even cell phones were not around. I come from a big extended family with most of my cousins being older then me I went to a lot of weddings as a kid.

Know what we did at weddings? We talked, ate and danced. We had a blast. No wonder we have a generation of people only looking at some sort of electronics. Parents are always stuffing an ipad in their face as entertainment. Back in the old days we found our own entertainment.

My own wedding had 7 kids. Ages 6, 9,9,10,10,10 and 13. I did not provide any entertainment for them. Their parents flat out refused any of them to have toys or electronics. Know what they did? They danced. The 3 10-year-old girls went to a corner and coordinated a special dance for us. The 2 9 year old boys played and danced, as did the 6 year old.

I too think people put way too much thought into entertaining kids. Parents and the kids themselves figure it out.

amtoronto82 · December 2014

I think you guys are right in saying that I'm putting too much thought into it. I think I'm going to go with the suggestions of letting the parents be responsible. That's all I need, is to supply crayons to a kid who then draws on the wall or something....

Thank you all so much for your help! One less thing to worry about now!

Ali

JellyBean52513 · December 2014

I see you've already come to your conclusion (a good one at that!) but just to throw my two cents in, I pretty much concur with what everyone said. In my SO's family, it's almost an even ratio of kids to adults at family parties and events. I honestly could never get away with even suggesting not inviting the family kids (not that I'd want to, because I love them all and they really make the family dynamic what it is). His mom has told me before that she would never go somewhere that her children weren't welcome, especially if it was a family event like a wedding. I know for a fact that if his sister attended a wedding with her kids (ages 2 and 6) and was told there was a babysitter for them in a separate room, she'd turn a deaf ear to that suggestion and they'd be right by her side all night.

cbus13 · December 2014

Just to offer another example, I felt the same way and did not want young children to be running around and potentially disrupting my formal wedding. I only invited the children of my FI's siblings (my siblings do not have any kids). That being said, his siblings have 8 kids all under the age of 7. What I am doing is putting the kids with their parents all at one table near the door so they can get up if they need to (one mom is nursing still and bringing the baby). We are also having set up in a back room a TV with DVDs and various toys. So the idea is during cocktail and after dinner, the kids will go play in that room and a couple of volunteer babysitters will watch over them.

The last wedding I went to was a disaster where 2 of the bride's nieces were running around screaming, even through the wedding party introductions. It was very distracting. So I understand wanting to plan ahead.

Maggie0829 · December 2014

HReis13 said:

Just to offer another example, I felt the same way and did not want young children to be running around and potentially disrupting my formal wedding. I only invited the children of my FI's siblings (my siblings do not have any kids). That being said, his siblings have 8 kids all under the age of 7. What I am doing is putting the kids with their parents all at one table near the door so they can get up if they need to (one mom is nursing still and bringing the baby). We are also having set up in a back room a TV with DVDs and various toys. So the idea is during cocktail and after dinner, the kids will go play in that room and a couple of volunteer babysitters will watch over them.

The last wedding I went to was a disaster where 2 of the bride's nieces were running around screaming, even through the wedding party introductions. It was very distracting. So I understand wanting to plan ahead.

So when are the kids supposed to eat? Are they supposed to eat in that room? What if the parents do not want their kids to be watched by strangers in a room off the side?

And the last bolded, yeah that was the parents fault, not the kids. When kids are running amok and causing a scene it is because the parents aren't doing their jobs. So even if you have a room with babysitters the parents could choose to keep their kids by their side and even further choose not to control their children. So you can plan all you want but if the parents suck at parenting then kids will be running around. This is just something that you have to accept and learn to ignore, or just not invite kids.

novella1186 · December 2014

OP, if it makes you feel any better, at the last wedding I went to there were several kids. I am not a kid person, so I would be the first to notice (and get annoyed) if a kid is running amok and acting up. However, I didn't notice any of these kids. I'm pretty sure they all just sat in their seats with their parents, except for one little dude. He got up in the middle of dinner, came over next to our table, and was having a one-man-dance show. I mean he was really going at it. Everyone who could see him was cracking up because it was so hilarious and adorable (and this is coming from a non-kid person, mind you!). By the time the cake cutting and first dance came around, this little dude had completely tuckered himself out and was sleeping on his dad's lap.

esstee33 · December 2014

HReis13 said:

Just to offer another example, I felt the same way and did not want young children to be running around and potentially disrupting my formal wedding. I only invited the children of my FI's siblings (my siblings do not have any kids). That being said, his siblings have 8 kids all under the age of 7. What I am doing is putting the kids with their parents all at one table near the door so they can get up if they need to (one mom is nursing still and bringing the baby). We are also having set up in a back room a TV with DVDs and various toys. So the idea is during cocktail and after dinner, the kids will go play in that room and a couple of volunteer babysitters will watch over them.

The last wedding I went to was a disaster where 2 of the bride's nieces were running around screaming, even through the wedding party introductions. It was very distracting. So I understand wanting to plan ahead.

Yeah, that's a parenting fail.

Children were not invited to my first wedding, but some family members brought one anyway. Nothing happened. He sat at the table with the person who brought him, picked at his not exactly child-friendly dinner, and that's basically it. It was not a crisis.

cbus13 · December 2014

The kids have a seat at the reception where they will be served dinner. And strangers will not be watching the kids. I should have clarified, the volunteer babysitters are my fiance's youngest sister (who is the sister of the children's parents) and her friend who usually babysit the kids anyway.

Maggie0829 · December 2014

HReis13 said:

The kids have a seat at the reception where they will be served dinner. And strangers will not be watching the kids. I should have clarified, the volunteer babysitters are my fiance's youngest sister (who is the sister of the children's parents) and her friend who usually babysit the kids anyway.

Wait, wouldn't your FI younger sister be invited to the wedding? So you are going to make his sister work at your wedding instead of just letting her enjoy herself? And do all the parents know and trust these two young girls?

Personally I would just let the parents watch their own kids. Typically parents who bring their children to events are prepared to take care of them because, you know, that is what parents do.

[Deleted User] · December 2014

For the kids attending our reception (approximately 6-8), my mom and I put together little activity packs for them to open at the reception. It had a coloring book, crayons, and possibly something else I'm not remembering. We dropped them off at our venue ahead of time, labeled with their table assignments,and they were distributed after the meal had concluded. It wasn't much, but it kept them quietly occupied, if they didn't wish to dance. However, they all were dancing and having a great time. We got some amazing pictures of them spinning and twirling.

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