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His second... my first...

gabika007gabika007 member
in Second Weddings
Hey there! Hope you're having a lovely day :-) 

Our wedding is going to be his second and my first. They didn't do a lot of the things that we are planning to do that to me are traditional wedding type things (engagement photos, save the dates, honeymoon, cake tastings, etc.) so I'm glad we still get a good amount of the "first time" moments. One of those "first time" moments will be involving his sons. They are 10 and 12 (they'll be 10 and 13 by the wedding) and - as expected / normal - being influenced a lot by their mom. Talking with us, they're excited. They bring it up, talk to others about it, etc. However, their mom has come to us a couple times now saying that she thinks they'd be "less anxious" if she were there (this started when we were still 7-8 months out). She keeps asking them if they're nervous which is enough to make anyone think they should be worried! They still seem excited but I'm afraid it's going to get worse as time goes on.

I know we can't change that behavior so I'm looking for advice to mitigate this. Anyone have any experience on how to make this an event to look forward to for a couple of pre-teens without turning our day into a totally kid-focused party? Anything we should do leading up to it all? 

Sorry for the super general question... I still feel a little lost here but want to learn some more and be able to do my part!

Thanks!
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Re: His second... my first...

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    lacqueredloverlacqueredlover member
    First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    I'm in a similar situation in that it's my FI's second and my first and we have his 2 kids (younger though, his son is 7 and daughter is 5, will be a year older when we get married.)  Luckily for me though his ex and I get along really well and she's really supportive of our relationship and the kids being involved with us/the wedding.  I think it's super weird she's trying to be invited to the wedding and I think your FI needs to have a talk with her.

    We are getting the kids involved a little bit by letting his step son pick his bow tie, taking the kids shopping for their outfits and are going to bring them to the cake tasting.  Other than that though, they aren't really involved because, quite frankly, kids don't care as much as we do!  Maybe take the boys shopping for their outfits, let them pick out ties or cool socks or something and bring them to the cake tasting (because everyone like cake!)

    So don't stress about it and stop talking about it so much to them.  Have your FI ask the ex wife to back off a bit because the kids seem happy and comfortable and she doesn't need to worry about them (it's not like they are 2 and need their mom there.)  If the kids are happy with you and ok with their dad getting remarried, then it's fine, don't stress about it.  this sounds more like the ex's issue than the kids so try not to stress.

    Good luck!
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