Who to invite? Aunts/Uncles, Cousins, and more

Knottie42853364 · November 2014

I will start off saying that I can only budget for a small wedding. That is fine; FI has 18 immediate family.

FI's family has 2 uncles and one is married. One uncle has 3 "kids" (ages 28, 18, and 12) while the other has no kids and no spouse. So that's 7 "extended family" he wants to invite; they are very close so of course they would be invited. This is in addition to the "immediate family" so in total, 25 people.

As for me, I don't have any grandparents. I have two parents, two step parents, and a brother and sister in-law. I have 6 immediate family members I would invite. I feel like I should invite more family, but unfortunately, it's not as simple as FI's family...

I have 4 aunts and 2 uncles, all of which have spouses and kids. The total count is ridiculous--I have 7 cousins on my mom's side and 5 cousins on my dad's side. Two cousins on my mom's side are married, and one has 2 kids. My aunts on my dad's side are much older than my dad, so many of them are grandparents and have grandchildren more close in age to myself than my cousins are. I would not even know but it is possible the grandchildren my age might have children of their own. I am close-ish to two of my aunts, but don't really keep in touch with everyone else.

Assuming it's not appropriate only to invite select aunts and uncles, *and* assuming it's not appropriate to invite no aunts and uncles on my side when FI does---where do I draw the line? Just send invites to the aunts and uncles? If they ask to bring their kids (my cousins), that's fine?

To add to the issue, my brother just got married last year and invited *everyone* out (my brother and I both live in the Seattle area). All the aunts, all the cousins; everyone. Of course, only 3 aunts and 1 uncle (with spouse) came out, but as soon as I got engaged these four people reached out to me to send congratulations. I don't have the wallet to invite everyone under the sun, and quite honestly I am a lot closer to many of my friends than I am to most of my extended family.

Not sure how to swing this; would it really be impolite for me to just not invite any of my extended family? Like I said, don't have the funds so would like to keep it under 50 people. At the same time, don't want to make anyone cry. I know there are some people in my extended family who have an interest in going.

fwtx5815 · November 2014

This is tough but you're doing the right thing by making sure you're planning within your budget.

FI and I are in a similar situation. We're inviting no more than 75 people but FI has something like 15 aunts and uncles and 25+ first cousins. We're only inviting my mom's siblings and their adult children and not my dad's side because they're all out of state. FI has zero family in Texas so he's only inviting the aunts, uncles and cousins that he's close to. It was just too big of a variable for us to be able to plan and budget with such a huge chunk of our families being out of state and not knowing who would make the trip.

It sucks having to cut off the list in a way that feels uneven or "unfair", but if the ones that aren't invited try to make you feel bad about it, they're the ones that are rude. It's okay to have an adult-only wedding. Don't feel like you have to justify your list.

CMGragain · November 2014

What kind of wedding are you having?

Basic wedding + bride, groom, officiant, license, witnesses,

More? Add guests. You need invitations, chairs for your guests, cake and punch for a reception. This kind of wedding is best held in the mid-afternoon. The cake can be a nice decorated sheet cake from the grocery store, or homemade. The only thing that limits your guest list is the amount of room you have.

Still more? Add wedding dress, attendants, IPOD music and flowers, photography.

More than this? have a morning ceremony with a brunch reception. Add a DJ if you want dancing. Serve mimosas.

The most expensive weddings (If you are on a strict budget, you should not be planning this at all!) Dinner reception with dancing and full bar. Tuxedos for the men, limousines, party favors,expensive honeymoon, the works. Just having a dinner costs twice what a brunch reception costs.

I think you are planning your wedding backwards. First you start with your budget and your guest list, and THEN you decide what kind of wedding you can afford. You don't try to fit your guest list into a vision of a wedding you have in your head.

mrssursely · November 2014

What about only inviting immediate family and the extended family that is just aunts and uncles, no cousins? That's what we decided to do, but we're also inviting nieces and nephews.

[Deleted User] · November 2014

If you don't want to invite your aunts and uncles don't. If you're just doing it out of a sense of obligation, stop. Just because your fiance is inviting aunts and uncles, doesn't mean you have to. Just because your fiance is inviting ALL his aunts and uncles and cousins, doesn't mean you have to invite all or one or any. I'm a firm believer that 'Family' and 'Relatives' are totally separate things. I have friends who are more family than some of my relatives. And if you're willing to bear the wrath of people who might disagree, don't send invitations to relatives and save those spaces for your Family.

fwtx5815 · November 2014

CMGragain said:

I think you are planning your wedding backwards. First you start with your budget and your guest list, and THEN you decide what kind of wedding you can afford. You don't try to fit your guest list into a vision of a wedding you have in your head.

I don't necessarily agree with this - for us a plated dinner and hosted bar were important to us. Whether we could only afford that for us, our parents and my siblings or 300 guests, we knew that's what we wanted. BUT, we also were totally okay with excluding folks.
It sounds like OP is feeling obligated to invite certain people that she may not invite otherwise.

We decided that we would rather lavishly host our close family and friends rather than draw up a list of everyone who we'd be expected to invite and downgrade everything.
I'm not going to forgo the nice dinner and open bar just to invite family that has made zero effort to see us in 10+ years.

weddingcactus · November 2014

dallasbetch said:

I think you are planning your wedding backwards. First you start with your budget and your guest list, and THEN you decide what kind of wedding you can afford. You don't try to fit your guest list into a vision of a wedding you have in your head.
I don't necessarily agree with this - for us a plated dinner and hosted bar were important to us. Whether we could only afford that for us, our parents and my siblings or 300 guests, we knew that's what we wanted. BUT, we also were totally okay with excluding folks. It sounds like OP is feeling obligated to invite certain people that she may not invite otherwise. We decided that we would rather lavishly host our close family and friends rather than draw up a list of everyone who we'd be expected to invite and downgrade everything. I'm not going to forgo the nice dinner and open bar just to invite family that has made zero effort to see us in 10+ years.

I'm with dallasbetch on this one. For me, step 1 was budget and step 2 was VIP guest list (ie: parents, siblings, etc) and from there we decided what kind of a wedding we wanted and then determined how many more guests we could afford. I don't think there's a "wrong" order in which to do these things as long as you're able to keep the wedding within your budget. Everyone has different priorities.

For the OP it sounds like you and your fiance are closer with aunts/uncles than with cousins, so that's where I would personally make the cutoff. In my opinion you have to know your family well to determine where you can make cutoffs. Do not feel obligated to invite everyone's children. Don't split up immediate families (ie inviting 2 of 3 kids), but you can certainly invite aunts/uncles and not their kids (let alone cousins' kids).

mrsk616 · November 2014

mine is complicated too but i decided to only invite my first cousins because i grew up around them and not my second cousins. its just to keep our wedding in budget and share it with people we both enjoy sharing company with. do what you want. if you dont want to invite the second cousins then dont.

Knottie42853364 · December 2014

Thanks everyone for the advice. This is really helpful.

I have decided to just invite whoever I want, period. I'll probably send invites to aunts and uncles, and if they ask specifically about cousins, maybe. I'm only sending one invite directly to a first cousin, who is close in age to me and we talk regularly.

danamw · December 2014

I had a wedding / reception at my in-laws home. It was very DIY, on a Saturday afternoon. Everyone enjoyed themselves though, and me & hubby wound up married, so the plan worked.

Anyway, I felt really funny not inviting my uncle's (late father's late brother) widow, and her son, my cousin.

The reason was, I invited my aunt (late father's sister) , her daughter my cousin, and cousin's husband. These 3 were very well-liked and respected by my mom. My mom was very socially awkward and self-conscious. She loved sitting with these 3 and chatting at my reception. If I had invited the other 2, the widow and son, it would have turned into something I saw so many times, my mom sitting listening politely while the other 5 discussed the minutiae of their own lives. Lots of things my mom wasn't privy to, and inside jokes.

I wanted the only day my mom would be "mother of the bride" to be something she could enjoy. So I didn't invite the other 2 (mom didn't like the son at all). I don't regret it, but I know I should!

fwtx5815 · December 2014

danamw said:
I had a wedding / reception at my in-laws home. It was very DIY, on a Saturday afternoon. Everyone enjoyed themselves though, and me & hubby wound up married, so the plan worked.
Anyway, I felt really funny not inviting my uncle's (late father's late brother) widow, and her son, my cousin.
The reason was, I invited my aunt (late father's sister) , her daughter my cousin, and cousin's husband. These 3 were very well-liked and respected by my mom. My mom was very socially awkward and self-conscious. She loved sitting with these 3 and chatting at my reception. If I had invited the other 2, the widow and son, it would have turned into something I saw so many times, my mom sitting listening politely while the other 5 discussed the minutiae of their own lives. Lots of things my mom wasn't privy to, and inside jokes.
I wanted the only day my mom would be "mother of the bride" to be something she could enjoy. So I didn't invite the other 2 (mom didn't like the son at all). I don't regret it, but I know I should!

I don't think you should feel like you're supposed to have regret about your list! It sounds like it worked out exactly the way you'd hoped.
Not to sound callous, but I don't buy into the idea that blood relatives (or relatives by marriage) = obligated to invite.

Also, I think as brides we get it in our heads that since our wedding day will be the most important day for us, it's an extremely significant event in general; but that's not necessarily the case for the guests. Their lives will go on if they don't make the cut.

Who to invite? Aunts/Uncles, Cousins, and more

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