Just Engaged and Proposals

My fiancé won't set a date.

My fiancé and I got engaged in December 2013.  We had decided to have our wedding in the fall of 2015 since we were both finishing school and didn't have time to plan.  We had decided on October 2015 in our home state of Colorado.  Then this past summer he said we should do a destination with a small group because it would be cheaper and less stressful as far as planning.  I agreed because it did sound fun and seemed easier and less expensive since we were looking going to an all-inclusive resort in Mexico.  Money has always been an issue for us since we don't make a whole lot and we always have to be very careful.  A few months back we got into a big fight about money and my fiancé said we should delay the wedding until we are 'financially stable'.  The problem is there's no telling when that will be.  We were already planning on a year from now and now it seems like it will never happen.  I know there's inexpensive ways to do it (eloping) but every time I try to bring it up he gets upset and doesn't really want to talk about it.  He just replies 'We can't afford it'.  My friends and family aren't happy with the situation and I'm constantly getting asked when the wedding is.  It makes me so sad because it feels like he doesn't want to do this anymore.  Not sure why he proposed in the first place.  Any advice would be welcome.

Re: My fiancé won't set a date.

  • JaybBird1 said:
    My fiancé and I got engaged in December 2013.  We had decided to have our wedding in the fall of 2015 since we were both finishing school and didn't have time to plan.  We had decided on October 2015 in our home state of Colorado.  Then this past summer he said we should do a destination with a small group because it would be cheaper and less stressful as far as planning.  I agreed because it did sound fun and seemed easier and less expensive since we were looking going to an all-inclusive resort in Mexico.  Money has always been an issue for us since we don't make a whole lot and we always have to be very careful.  A few months back we got into a big fight about money and my fiancé said we should delay the wedding until we are 'financially stable'.  The problem is there's no telling when that will be.  We were already planning on a year from now and now it seems like it will never happen.  I know there's inexpensive ways to do it (eloping) but every time I try to bring it up he gets upset and doesn't really want to talk about it.  He just replies 'We can't afford it'.  My friends and family aren't happy with the situation and I'm constantly getting asked when the wedding is.  It makes me so sad because it feels like he doesn't want to do this anymore.  Not sure why he proposed in the first place.  Any advice would be welcome.
    First bolded -- Sounds like a serious talk with your FI regarding your relationship is in order. As you said yourself, there are inexpensive ways to get married (i.e. courthouse, small party afterwards with close family/friends). This sounds like he is having second thoughts and this a cop-out for him to not get married, IMHO. Find out if getting married is something he truly wants. If not, then it may be time to go your separate ways rather than waste anymore time if it is not going to happen.

    Second bolded -- If you're having this thought, then yes, a SERIOUS talk is in order. 
                                     Wedding Countdown Ticker

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  • I would ask him about it. In a non-confrontational manner of course. But ask about what kind of timeline he sees, what kind of budget he has in mind, the guest list, the kind of wedding he wants, etc. It seems like you two are not on the same page here. You should also have your opinions about what you want.

    In terms of budgeting, once you guys have an idea of the kind of wedding you are looking at and an idea of a budget, you both should start trying to set XXX aside per month or per paycheck to save. It can be a little at first, but as you get more financially stable you can increase the amount. To me, a savings fund makes the sticker shock of things go down. You have a better idea of what you can afford and what you guys wish to prioritize.
  • Are you sure that he wants to get married at all?  Sorry, but it sounds like he has everything he wants right now.  You might try couples counseling, but if it all boils down to you want to get married and he doesn't, then you need to move on.
    Love is NOT all you need.  Commitment and trust have to be there, too.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
    arrrghmatey
  • mine is the same way... wont help set a date, but we also have other things on a our mind (finish the house get settled with other things) so i made the decision to put it off till 2016 because i do plan on going back to school and money will be tight then too.
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  • esstee33esstee33 Pittsburgh member
    Ninth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    JaybBird1 said:
    My fiancé and I got engaged in December 2013.  We had decided to have our wedding in the fall of 2015 since we were both finishing school and didn't have time to plan.  We had decided on October 2015 in our home state of Colorado.  Then this past summer he said we should do a destination with a small group because it would be cheaper and less stressful as far as planning.  I agreed because it did sound fun and seemed easier and less expensive since we were looking going to an all-inclusive resort in Mexico.  Money has always been an issue for us since we don't make a whole lot and we always have to be very careful.  A few months back we got into a big fight about money and my fiancé said we should delay the wedding until we are 'financially stable'.  The problem is there's no telling when that will be.  We were already planning on a year from now and now it seems like it will never happen.  I know there's inexpensive ways to do it (eloping) but every time I try to bring it up he gets upset and doesn't really want to talk about it.  He just replies 'We can't afford it'.  My friends and family aren't happy with the situation and I'm constantly getting asked when the wedding is.  It makes me so sad because it feels like he doesn't want to do this anymore.  Not sure why he proposed in the first place.  Any advice would be welcome.

    Aw, I'm sorry you're dealing with these feelings. :( 

    Like PPs have said, you need to sit down and have a very serious conversation with him. It seems like the two of you each have expectations for what your wedding is going to be like, and you're not meeting in the middle. Is his sole concern the money? Because you can have a very small wedding, just close friends and family, in the park, and just serve cake and punch afterwards. Do you guys have any kind of savings for the wedding yet? 
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited November 2014
    You definitely need to have a serious talk and get on the same page about your relationship and make sure marriage is what you both want. If so, then on to the next issue. If both of you want a wedding that will cost more than going to the courthouse, or more than doing something like PPs described above, then, yes, not being able to afford it is a legit reason to postpone. However, you then need to be actively saving to make it happen.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • Thanks for all your advice everyone!  We had a talk and he does want to get married, but wants to wait until we're better off financially so it will be special and not just a quick one-and-done kinda wedding.  We'll be fine, just going through some financial woes which always makes things hard.
  • This doesn't sound good. But it's good to hear he still wants to get married. Honestly, there's no perfect time to take the next steps in life. Wedding, kids, etc. Money will ALWAYS be in issue, unless you win the lottery. Sometimes you just have to dive in feet first. Good luck!
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