Deceased mother of groom on invitation

boosonboos · November 2014

My FI's mother passed several years ago. We had discussed future plans before she passed, but FI was still in school so even then it was pretty clear we would not be getting married for several years. At that time he had discussed with her that he planned on using some of his inheritance on our future wedding, which we are now doing. My question is I have seen on other posts that you do not include the deceased on invites, but the money we have used from his family so far is from her. I should add, his parents were already divorced when she passed but we are getting married in the area his dad lives (and FI grew up, he was living with his father when we started dating) so I believe that technically makes his dad the host.

fwtx5815 · November 2014

If the money was inherited, it's no longer deceased FMIL's money. It's now your FI's money.
Also, the way I understand it, the host is also someone who can field questions from guests regards the wedding which obviously wouldn't be possible for someone that has passed.

MairePoppy · November 2014

There's an excellent sticky at the top of this board about wedding invitation wording.

The only names that should appear on the wedding invitations are the hosts names and the names of the people getting married. Not to be indelicate, but dead people can't send wedding invitations.Also, the host is the person who provides hospitality towards the guests, not necessarily the person who paid for the wedding.

You may list your groom's mothers name in the wedding program. I am sorry for your loss.

southernbelle0915 · November 2014

No, it's garish and inappropriate.

Jen4948 · November 2014

I recognize that it seems hard not to recognize a deceased parent on an invitation, but there are better ways to "remember" them at the wedding that won't be so jarring.

For example, your FI or someone close to his mother could wear or carry something she owned or was associated with her, there could be a tribute to her in a wedding program if you are having one, you and your FI might offer food, drinks, flowers, music, or other decorations or entertainment that she would have enjoyed, and/or your FI or his father might mention her briefly in a speech.

But unfortunately, because she is deceased, she cannot act as a host and is not one of the honorees (the bride and groom), so her name would not be listed on the invitation as "the late Groom's Mother."

CMGragain · November 2014

Deceased persons cannot be on a wedding invitation. No exceptions!

boosonboos · November 2014

That definitely answers the question for me. I want to make sure we're phrasing it correctly without overlooking some important area we should be honoring her. The programs sound like the best place. The only other question I still have is about who is considered the host. My parents, although contributing are flying in from out of state. My mother is still the one arranging hotel blocks but otherwise most local questions would be directed toward FFIL or us as the ceremony is where we live. In that respect it doesn't seem like my parents are the hosts. Is it really correct to leave off the invitation wording?

Maggie0829 · November 2014

'Together with our families', would work amazingly well in this situation.

Jen4948 · November 2014

I'd use "together with our families" in this situation as well, when the bride and groom are acting as point persons but one or more of their parents really aren't.

zitiqueen · November 2014

My SIL did this with her deceased father on their invitations. "SIL's Mother and the late SIL's Father invite you to join blah blah blah"

That was just one thing on a long list of things they did that were inappropriate for their wedding.

jltobe23 · December 2014

zitiqueen said:

My SIL did this with her deceased father on their invitations. "SIL's Mother and the late SIL's Father invite you to join blah blah blah"

That was just one thing on a long list of things they did that were inappropriate for their wedding.

So you think that including a deceased parent is inappropriate? I understand that someone who is no longer here can not invite people, but if this is important to someone how is it inappropriate? My father passed away and the only way I could honestly afford things for my wedding is from my dad's hard earned money and I want to include him any way I can.

Jen4948 · December 2014

JessGuess23 said:

zitiqueen said:

My SIL did this with her deceased father on their invitations. "SIL's Mother and the late SIL's Father invite you to join blah blah blah"

That was just one thing on a long list of things they did that were inappropriate for their wedding.

So you think that including a deceased parent is inappropriate? I understand that someone who is no longer here can not invite people, but if this is important to someone how is it inappropriate? My father passed away and the only way I could honestly afford things for my wedding is from my dad's hard earned money and I want to include him any way I can.

Something's being "important" to someone doesn't automatically make it appropriate for that person to do it.

There are appropriate ways a deceased loved one can be remembered at a wedding, such as wearing or carrying something s/he owned or that is associated with him/her, having food, drinks, decorations, music, or other entertainment they would have enjoyed, giving him/her a tribute in a program if you are going to have one, mentioning him/her briefly in a toast, and mentioning them in prayers in one's respective religion.

But there are two things to keep in mind: Weddings aren't memorial services for the dead. They are supposed to be happy occasions. Any "remembrances" need to be subtle, not in-your-face declarations of how sad you are at their absence.

Also, the purpose of an invitation is not to map out the family trees or to "honor" anyone other than the intended guests it is being sent to, but to ask said intended guests to attend a specified occasion and to convey logistical information about the occasion, I.e., who the hosts and honorees are and when and where it will take place. It is not appropriate for anyone other than the hosts or honorees to be listed on the invitation as it is not a playbill. As only living persons can be the hosts or honorees of a wedding, it is not appropriate for deceased persons to be listed on the invitation. Rather, use another, more subtle method of remembering them.

CMGragain · December 2014

The invitation is a note from the HOSTS to the GUESTS stating the important information of who, what, when and where. It does not honor anyone except the person who received the invitation. Deceased persons cannot appear on the invitation. The invitation is not a family tree.
Putting the name of a deceased person on a wedding invitation is inappropriate and just plain creepy.

fwtx5815 · December 2014

JessGuess23 said:

zitiqueen said:

My SIL did this with her deceased father on their invitations. "SIL's Mother and the late SIL's Father invite you to join blah blah blah"

That was just one thing on a long list of things they did that were inappropriate for their wedding.

So you think that including a deceased parent is inappropriate? I understand that someone who is no longer here can not invite people, but if this is important to someone how is it inappropriate? My father passed away and the only way I could honestly afford things for my wedding is from my dad's hard earned money and I want to include him any way I can.

As PP has said, there are a LOT of other ways to honor someone that don't involve this faux pas.
It's just not appropriate, no matter how important that was person was to you.

CMGragain · December 2014

"So you think that including a deceased parent is inappropriate? I understand that someone who is no longer here can not invite people, but if this is important to someone how is it inappropriate? My father passed away and the only way I could honestly afford things for my wedding is from my dad's hard earned money and I want to include him any way I can."

Memorials at weddings should be private. I had my grandmother place a rose from my bouquet on Dad's grave after the wedding. Nobody knew except the two of us. If I had made a public memorial ceremony at my wedding, my uncle and my mother would have burst into tears, and it would have been very awkward.

redoryx · December 2014

JessGuess23 said:

zitiqueen said:

My SIL did this with her deceased father on their invitations. "SIL's Mother and the late SIL's Father invite you to join blah blah blah"

That was just one thing on a long list of things they did that were inappropriate for their wedding.

So you think that including a deceased parent is inappropriate? I understand that someone who is no longer here can not invite people, but if this is important to someone how is it inappropriate? My father passed away and the only way I could honestly afford things for my wedding is from my dad's hard earned money and I want to include him any way I can.

The invitation is a message from the host to the guest and the person who pays is not necessarily the host of the wedding. This is an important distinction to make, especially in a case like this where the person paying cannot be a host. That's why it is inappropriate to include a deceased individual on the invitation, no matter how much they may have financially contributed before their death.

jltobe23 · December 2014

I am not trying to argue, I am just trying to understand why all of you are so against this. if this is so inappropriate and "creepy" as @CMGragain has put it, why when you look for wording for an invitation they have options to put a deceased parent on them?

if you word it in a way that doesn't mean that the deceased is hosting then why is it creepy? Why can't someone state that they are the child of their parents, deceased or not? I have asked multiple professional invitation specialists, and they have had many people put daughter or son of Mrs. doe and the late Mr. doe. I think that what you find to be "creepy" and inappropriate some people might find to be appropriate and a subtle way of remembering them.

Yes there are OTHER ways to remember them at the wedding but there is no law or rule that states you can't put a deceased parent on an invitation. look at all the old fashion wedding rules that have gone out the window. If the family, widow,or widower are ok with this then I don't see the harm in doing it. so on that note, To each his own.

Jen4948 · December 2014

The people you have asked are not "disinterested.". They are vendors who desire to make sales any way they can by giving customers whatever they want, even if it violates etiquette.

The rule that deceased persons should not be listed as "the late Name" has not expired with time. The reason they should not be listed is because they ate not the hosts or the couple, just as no one else should be listed if they are not the hosts or the couple. Whether or not you are "creeped out" by seeing people listed as "the late" on an invitation or it is common where you are, the rule exists and we are not going to tell you to break the rules of etiquette just because you feel like it.

CMGragain · December 2014

Never accept etiquette advice from someone who will make money if you follow it.

CMGragain · December 2014

JessGuess23 said:

I am not trying to argue, I am just trying to understand why all of you are so against this. if this is so inappropriate and "creepy" as @CMGragain has put it, why when you look for wording for an invitation they have options to put a deceased parent on them?
if you word it in a way that doesn't mean that the deceased is hosting then why is it creepy? Why can't someone state that they are the child of their parents, deceased or not? I have asked multiple professional invitation specialists, and they have had many people put daughter or son of Mrs. doe and the late Mr. doe. I think that what you find to be "creepy" and inappropriate some people might find to be appropriate and a subtle way of remembering them.
Yes there are OTHER ways to remember them at the wedding but there is no law or rule that states you can't put a deceased parent on an invitation. look at all the old fashion wedding rules that have gone out the window. If the family, widow,or widower are ok with this then I don't see the harm in doing it. so on that note, To each his own.

Sorry, but this rule does exist.

jltobe23 · December 2014

CMGragain said:
Sorry, but this rule does exist.

Where?

Jen4948 · December 2014

JessGuess23 said:

CMGragain said:

Sorry, but this rule does exist.

Where?

In the same sources that tell you not to talk with food in your mouth. All the etiquette experts have so stated that the names of deceased persons don't go on wedding invitations.

lyndausvi · December 2014

Invitations (wedding or otherwise) are not family trees. Invitations are simply a way for a host(s) to invite someone to an event and give them the when, where and what time. That's it. Period.

Dead people can't invite people to an event. That is fact. Who the parents are of the honored guests is completely irrelevant on an invitations. That is true if they are alive or dead.

Weddings are not sponsored events. So where they money to pay for the wedding is irreverent

. Even more so on an invite when it's none of anyones business who is footing the bill.

I'm sorry if you do not like the answer, but that is in fact the truth.

There a many ways to honor the mother. Invitations are not one of those options.

CMGragain · December 2014

I use several sources for etiquette information, but if there is a conflict, I go to Crane's Blue Book. Crane's has been dealing with invitation etiquette for more than 200 years. Here is the rule, quoted from their website:

My father passed away last year, and I’d like to include his name on my wedding invitations. How is that done?
Wishing to include a deceased parent’s name on a wedding invitation is a lovely sentiment, however it’s not proper to do so (except in Latin America).

The essential purpose of a wedding invitation is to invite your guests to your wedding and to tell them where and when it’s taking place. It lists the host or hosts of the event, what the event is (your wedding), and the date, time and place.

The only logical place to list your father’s name is on an invitational line. This is improper, however, as he’d be listed as one of the hosts of your wedding. Since he is deceased, he cannot be a host.

Your father’s name is, of course, mentioned in your newspaper announcement and may also be mentioned in the wedding program and during a prayer said during the service.

jltobe23 · December 2014

Thanks @CMGragain I think I will check out Crane's. I Just wasn't sure if it was actually stated somewhere.

Deceased mother of groom on invitation

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