Wedding Party

BM says marrying me would be my FI "biggest mistake ever"

My FI is a wonderful, caring, smart man and I am so incredibly lucky. Unfortunately, his BM is not.The FI and I have been together for 3 years and this "friend" has never had and issue with our relationship and he didn't have anything negative to say when FI told him he was purposing to me. Now we're getting married in 4 months and this guy is the best man. On multiple occasions throughout our engagement this guy has verbally harassed me, told lies about me to FI and finally came out with his feelings and told me that marrying me would be my FI biggest mistake. He followed that up by saying that my FI has never had good taste in women and never gave any actual reasons for his concern. He come across as very threatened by our upcoming marriage and when I told him that he insisted that they would always be friends and I had no say in that. FI has talked to him on multiple occasions telling him he must respect me, we are becoming one and that if he wants to be in the wedding he cant act this way. After each talk the best man promised he would try harder but nothing has changed. My FI is so stressed out about it and feels like he has to take him out of the wedding knowing that could be the end of the friendship. This guy just seems so immature and can't appreciate how important our wedding and marriage is to us. Advice from someone dealing with the same thing would be greatly appreciated. 

Re: BM says marrying me would be my FI "biggest mistake ever"

  • I personally would stay out of it beyond insisting on basic respect from the guy when you and he both have to be together, and minimizing those occasions to the greatest extent possible.
  • It's up to your FI to decide what he wants to do about this. Obviously this guy isn't going to change your FI's mind about marrying you.

    From your perspective, I would avoid this guy like the plague, and make sure FI was present if there is ever a time where we did have to be in the same room. If this guy said something to you in your FI's presence, I'm sure your FI will stand up for you.
  • Yikes. This sounds like a mess, but at least your FI is standing up for you! I think you better leave this up to him to decide on. Be there for him, help him talk it out if he needs to, but don't push him into anything. Ultimately, he has to decide whether he wants to keep the BM around as a friend or kick him out of the wedding and maybe also kick him out of his life (if the BM decides to just end the friendship over it). 

    I also agree with PP, you have a right to demand a basic level of respect from this guy. You don't deserve to be treated like crap or to be spoken to in a nasty way, especially from one of your FI's "nearest and dearest." 
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  • Yikes. This is pretty crazy. 
    Jen4948 said:
    I personally would stay out of it beyond insisting on basic respect from the guy when you and he both have to be together, and minimizing those occasions to the greatest extent possible.
    Ditto this. 
  • Ha that thought crossed my mind too, but I doubt that's it. I think he's threatened by my new role in my FI life but in reality nothing will be changing other than my last name 
  • Thank you all for the advice!  Yes he actually told me it would be the biggest mistake of my FI life and I am thankful that FI has stood up for me every time but It is a tough situation. FI talked about this with the other groomsmen and they were very upset BM is acting like this and reassured him that they all love me and the BM is out of line. FI has decided to ask him to step down and doesn't even know if he wants him at the wedding. I think its for the best and I feel like a HUGE weight has been lifted off my shoulders. My plan is to stay far far away from this guy. 
  • Thank you all for the advice!  Yes he actually told me it would be the biggest mistake of my FI life and I am thankful that FI has stood up for me every time but It is a tough situation. FI talked about this with the other groomsmen and they were very upset BM is acting like this and reassured him that they all love me and the BM is out of line. FI has decided to ask him to step down and doesn't even know if he wants him at the wedding. I think its for the best and I feel like a HUGE weight has been lifted off my shoulders. My plan is to stay far far away from this guy. 
    Good, I'm glad things are working out! You don't need that kind of negativity around you. It's just nonsense. Maybe this will be a wake-up call to the ex-BM and he'll realize he needs to get his shit together and act like a decent human being. Or maybe he'll keep being a total dick and your FI will realize he's better off without this dude in his life. 
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  • I had a boyfriend whose best friend was jealous of me and tried to break us up by telling my BF lies about me.

    This was in seventh grade.

    I'm very glad that your FI handled this well! Let it roll off your shoulders. This guy is a non-entity and his actions say way more about him than they do about you.
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  • It sounds like the BM and FI used to be party buddies, football buddies, golf buddies, or any number of other things. They hung out a lot in the old days before you came along and FI took a step towards adulthood.

    The BM is not ready to let go of adolescence and has to find another guy who isn't ready to grow up to become his new party buddy. Most guys would just adjust and move on but this BM can't even keep his mouth shut.

    He was given plenty of chances. Sounds like he could be a bad addition to the wedding. If he can't promise he will behave, as a guest, leave him out completely.

  • danamw said:

    It sounds like the BM and FI used to be party buddies, football buddies, golf buddies, or any number of other things. They hung out a lot in the old days before you came along and FI took a step towards adulthood.

    The BM is not ready to let go of adolescence and has to find another guy who isn't ready to grow up to become his new party buddy. Most guys would just adjust and move on but this BM can't even keep his mouth shut.

    He was given plenty of chances. Sounds like he could be a bad addition to the wedding. If he can't promise he will behave, as a guest, leave him out completely.

    You called it. They're been friends they're whole lives which makes it even more sad that the now ex-BM couldn't put aside his feeling for my FI. He was afraid of losing his friend to marriage (which is ridiculous) and now his own actions have damaged the friendship. 
  • Ugh. Your FI made the right decision. It sucks, but there is no way I would have allowed any BM or GM in our wedding that didn't support us as a couple.  

    One of my closest girlfriends (friends for 20+ years) didn't like my husband a few years ago, before we were engaged. It was a bummer, and at one point she said something a little nasty about him and I had to say, "Listen. He's my guy. We're probably getting engaged at some point soon. You need to get on board. Or not, which I respect, but no one is going to be at my wedding that doesn't support us." It was a major bummer. We were awkward for a few months. And then she apologized and said she wanted to get to know him better. And then we got engaged. And then she never brought up her issues again and I noticed she actually put in a lot of effort to talk to him when we were all out as a group. And my FI, even though he knew she wasn't his biggest fan, put in a lot of effort to talk to her too. They totally get a long now and she was one of my bridesmaids.

    Your FI's BM could have handled it the same way, but he didn't. It's on him. I feel bad for your FI, but you should also be proud of him. You just can't have that kind of toxicity at your wedding.

  • I am having a similar situation but I feel like my FI isn't exactly sticking up for me which is super frustrating you are lucky your guy is on your side cause I am feeling pretty awkward about my situation I just wish everyone could just get along ugh
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  • Coreyq22 said:
    I am having a similar situation but I feel like my FI isn't exactly sticking up for me which is super frustrating you are lucky your guy is on your side cause I am feeling pretty awkward about my situation I just wish everyone could just get along ugh
    I'm sorry you're dealing with this too. Its sad that people can't just suck it up and be happy that you're happy. My FI didn't want to be rude to his "best friend" at first but then he got fed up with how awful this person was acting. I was worried what people would think about us making changes to the wedding party, but my sanity is so much more important that what people think LOL. Maybe you and your FI will be able to make changes to the wedding party too if it persists. I just keep telling myself that 10 years from now Ill be happily married and  probably won't even remember this. Good Luck! 
  • Coreyq22 said:
    I am having a similar situation but I feel like my FI isn't exactly sticking up for me which is super frustrating you are lucky your guy is on your side cause I am feeling pretty awkward about my situation I just wish everyone could just get along ugh
    It really sucks that your FI won't stick up for you. 

    If he's marrying you, he needs to put you ahead of his friends, and that means standing up for you when one of them attacks you. If you haven't already, you need to discuss this with him. This is not the sort of thing that will go well in a marriage or go away after the wedding. 
  • thank you. We have talked about it almost to the point of exhaustion which makes it that much more frustrating since he clearly knows it is an issue. I have even talked to his friend about it and got a pretty rude response. I would never expect a guy to act like this especially since there is an age difference between us (8 years) I guess I just expected more maturity from a guy but I guess some of them really do never grow up. I am glad that there is a success story from a similar situation and that we all have a place to vent hopefully my situation will have a good outcome too! Fingers crossed.
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  • jenijoykjenijoyk member
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2014

     Coreyq22 said:

    thank you. We have talked about it almost to the point of exhaustion which makes it that much more frustrating since he clearly knows it is an issue. I have even talked to his friend about it and got a pretty rude response. I would never expect a guy to act like this especially since there is an age difference between us (8 years) I guess I just expected more maturity from a guy but I guess some of them really do never grow up. I am glad that there is a success story from a similar situation and that we all have a place to vent hopefully my situation will have a good outcome too! Fingers crossed.


    Gross. You need to make both your FI and his rude friend understand that this is unacceptable. So unacceptable. Like just, NO. Good luck. Hopefully terrible friend will grow some balls at some point and suck it up and be nice.

  • This is definitely one of those cases where you ask someone to step down from being in the wedding party. Why? Because they are telling you they can not honestly fulfill the one and only job they are actually suppose to do. It's not the bachlor parties, the clothing, the showers, it's the job of standing up and saying I agree with and support this marriage.
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  • That's a really good point it's about support of finding your forever person not strippers
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