Shower etiquette

Re: Shower etiquette

• ShesSoCold mod

  

  December 2014

  puddytat1003 said:

  Some background: Our wedding is a destination wedding with less than 30 people invited (immediate family + our bff's).  We are having a really casual "celebration of our marriage" party when we get home with extended family and friends (no wedding activities like first dance, cake cutting, wedding dress, etc., it's just a fun party, really).

  
  

  A few days ago my MOH asked if there was any specific food/venue/etc that I wanted for my shower.  I told her I just assumed I wasn't having a shower now, since there will be total of 8 women at my wedding and I don't want them to feel obligated to give me anything since they're already paying to travel to the wedding.  So she said, "well you'll be having a ton of women at the party at home so we can invite them."  I told her I thought that would be rude since they're not invited to the actual ceremony and that would be seen as very "gift-grabby."  Her friends, who were there at the time, were saying that I was totally wrong and it definitely wasn't rude, and one even said, "screw etiquette, don't you want gifts?!"  Yikes....

  
  

  So what I'm asking is...am I wrong and it's really ok to invite people to a shower when they're invited to the party at home, but not the wedding?  Honestly...the thought of it feels icky, so I'll probably go with my gut and say no.

  
  

  
  

  Nope you're right. Even if you weren't, you shouldn't be pushed into something you're uncomfortable with. 

  
  

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• redoryx member

  

  December 2014

  puddytat1003 said:

  Some background: Our wedding is a destination wedding with less than 30 people invited (immediate family + our bff's).  We are having a really casual "celebration of our marriage" party when we get home with extended family and friends (no wedding activities like first dance, cake cutting, wedding dress, etc., it's just a fun party, really).

  
  

  A few days ago my MOH asked if there was any specific food/venue/etc that I wanted for my shower.  I told her I just assumed I wasn't having a shower now, since there will be total of 8 women at my wedding and I don't want them to feel obligated to give me anything since they're already paying to travel to the wedding.  So she said, "well you'll be having a ton of women at the party at home so we can invite them."  I told her I thought that would be rude since they're not invited to the actual ceremony and that would be seen as very "gift-grabby."  Her friends, who were there at the time, were saying that I was totally wrong and it definitely wasn't rude, and one even said, "screw etiquette, don't you want gifts?!"  Yikes....

  
  

  So what I'm asking is...am I wrong and it's really ok to invite people to a shower when they're invited to the party at home, but not the wedding?  Honestly...the thought of it feels icky, so I'll probably go with my gut and say no.

  
  

  
  

  Trust your gut. If it feels icky there is probably a good reason. A guest must be invited to the actual wedding ceremony to also be invited to the shower. Anything else really is gift grabby because it sends the message that the invitee is important enough to buy you something but not important enough to see you wed.
  

  

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• southernbelle0915 mod

  

  December 2014

  Your MOH is incorrect. You are right - it's gift grabby.

  
  

  Only people invited to the actual wedding should be invited to the shower. Personally, I'd probably just decline the shower all together. I was invited to a shower for an international DW this year. I was surprised she even had one and declined mainly on principle. All the guests attending are already spending several thousand to attend the wedding.

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• lovegood90 member

  

  December 2014

  Nope, since your party is not your wedding, you can't invite any of the people just invited to the party to the shower. It's rude and gift grabby.

  Formerly martha1818

  

  
  

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• puddytat1003 member

  

  December 2014

  Thanks.  I will go with my gut.

  
  

  Honestly, a lot of the weddings in my area have some major faux pas that are seen as normal, so I feel like I'm fighting a battle over etiquette with people sometimes!  The last wedding we went to had a 5-hour gap between the ceremony and reception, a HoneyFund for their registry (it appears as though they still haven't gone on their honeymoon 6 months later, so my money could have gone toward their cable bill for all I know) and I never received a thank you note.  When we left, I told FI, "Well this wedding definitely helped me figure out what I won't do for ours!"

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• climbingsingle member

  

  December 2014

  Your initial instincts are right here. Decline the shower. Your MOH is wrong. 

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• AddieCake member

  

  December 2014

  This is never up for debate or question. If someone is not invited to the wedding, he or she should not be invited to a shower. Period.

  What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14

  

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• sarawifenow member

  

  December 2014

  You are right to decline the shower. I would say something like, "Thank you for the generous offer, MOH, but I've decided that I do not want a shower. Have you tried the bean dip?"

  

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