Not Engaged Yet

New ring VS "Heirloom"

Does anyone else feel like I do? My guy and I are thinking about becoming engaged soon.  I am older and have always wanted my own, new, beautiful ring. I 'm willing to "Skimp" on everything else or make a compromise, but he is hinting about using his deceased mothers' wedding set.  I feel his grown son should keep the set for his someday bride and even if my guy would get the old ring "Re-set", what if I hate it? I always feel the wedding ring is what I will wear the rest of my life, so it should be what I want.  Am I a monster for feeling this way?

Re: New ring VS "Heirloom"

  • edited December 2014
    Are you a monster?  No.

    But I think what's important here is WHY he wants you to have that ring.  Does he want you to have it because his parents were happily married for X years, and it has sentimental value, or is he just trying to save money?

    I'd have a much harder time turning down an heirloom ring if the former was true rather than the latter.

    Also, if you don't want a ring, it's sort of hypocritical to say your stepson's wife should want it.
  • bethsmilesbethsmiles Denver, CO member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2014
    Ditto @loves2shop4shoes. There's nothing wrong with not wanting an heirloom ring but if his reason for wanting to give you that set was because of how amazing his parents' marriage was and he wants the same for the two of you, I'd have a hard time saying no to that.

    There are a lot of options for using an heirloom ring. You can keep exactly the same, you can always put the diamond in a new setting.

    Honestly, if you want to be involved in picking the ring, let you BF know. Ask him if you can see the ring, maybe you will love it. If you don't talk about options with him and find a way for both of you to be happy.

    ETA: And I agree that it is totally hypocritical of you to say you don't want the ring but your step-son should give to his future bride. What if she doesn't want it either?


  • I think there is something really special about having an heirloom. You can even goto a jeweler and get a new setting custom made.

     

    If you really don't want to use it as a ring, maybe you could ask to set it in a necklace instead?

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  • I wear a ring that was my grandmothers and then my moms.  My FI and I went to the jeweler together so I could set it however I wanted and it's so meaningful to me because of the history behind it.  There were 2 great marriages involved with the ring and it's set beautifully so it makes me happy ever time I see it.  My sister in law wears the ring from my other grandma (and the one my mom wore until their 30th anniversary when she gave my brother that one to give to my sis in law and my mom upgraded) and she feels the same way.  

    I think you need to figure out why the "new" part is so important to you vs having the ring set the way you want (unless it's that you hate the stone for some reason.)  And keep in mind, you could "hate" a new ring also if it's not to your taste so saying you will hate this one being reset is a bit ridiculous.  

    Ask him to see the ring and figure out if you'd want the diamond reset in a way you would like.  But being hung up on new vs old is a bit much.  Especially because the diamond you get from somewhere else could have been someone else's old ring, know what I mean?  Besides, the important part in all of this is that your boyfriend is taking the time (and money) to get you a ring because he wants to marry you, the rest is all details.
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    morphemes
  • I agree with PPs.  Talk to your BF about the possibility of getting it set into a setting that you choose together.  

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  • I think it's perfectly reasonable if you would like a new ring.  I have an heirloom ring, but I really, really wanted it.  everyone has different preferences and personalities.  if you haven't talked about why he'd like to use his mother's set (is it money?  sentimental reasons?  he loves it?) and why you'd like a new ring (prefer modern styles?  want to go pick it out together?), then you should do that!  it's totally OK to have ring preference conversations with your SO! 

    and I do agree with you, his grown son might want that heirloom ring, and that is also a conversation you should probably have soon as well. 


  • Lots of PPs had good things to say, I'll just say this:

    My DH used my grandmother's diamond and had it re-set. I didn't love the setting he chose. After several years of wearing it, I had the diamond set into a new band. Right this second, I'm wearing all three (1st e-ring, 2nd e-ring and wedding band) on my finger. It means a lot to me to look down and see my grandmother's engagement diamond on my finger. So unless the diamond literally wouldn't fit in whatever setting you wanted, I can't imagine a reason not to use it.
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  • Does anyone else feel like I do? My guy and I are thinking about becoming engaged soon.  I am older and have always wanted my own, new, beautiful ring. I 'm willing to "Skimp" on everything else or make a compromise, but he is hinting about using his deceased mothers' wedding set.  I feel his grown son should keep the set for his someday bride and even if my guy would get the old ring "Re-set", what if I hate it? I always feel the wedding ring is what I will wear the rest of my life, so it should be what I want.  Am I a monster for feeling this way?
    Oh, and when you say 'VS' do you mean the clarity? 
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  • cu97tiger said:
    Does anyone else feel like I do? My guy and I are thinking about becoming engaged soon.  I am older and have always wanted my own, new, beautiful ring. I 'm willing to "Skimp" on everything else or make a compromise, but he is hinting about using his deceased mothers' wedding set.  I feel his grown son should keep the set for his someday bride and even if my guy would get the old ring "Re-set", what if I hate it? I always feel the wedding ring is what I will wear the rest of my life, so it should be what I want.  Am I a monster for feeling this way?
    Oh, and when you say 'VS' do you mean the clarity? 

    I think she means versus. heirloom versus new
    image
  • @teddygirl9 - Ah, that makes sense. Except for the part where it's in ALL CAPS. ;)
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  • eilis1228eilis1228 Southwest member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    Like everyone else, I think you should talk to your BF about why he wants you to have this ring and why you would like a new ring. If he's really attached to the ring, you could always use it as a right-hand ring. I wear my step-great-grandmother's (what a mouthful lol) ring on my right hand, and I cherish just as much, if not more, than my engagement ring. I love wearing a piece of history and having the opportunity to share it with my own kids one day. However, I also understand if you want something to be your own. My mom gave FI and I the ring my dad gave her, and we used it as a placeholder until we designed our own new ring. Her ring wasn't really our style, and we weren't crazy about the diamond. The point to all this is that there are numerous options with a family ring, and you and your FI just need to sit down and get on the same page about it.


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  • I have an heirloom stone that was reset from a ring of my mothers. I love having a stone with meaning set into a new ring. At first my now H was resistant to the idea of using the stone, but came around when he found the perfect setting for the stone and was reassured as to the quality by the jeweler. 

    I say talk to your BF, find out why he wants to use that set, then figure out a compromise. One option might be a new ering, but use the wedding band from the set (or vice versa). Just talk it over and find a solution that fits for you guys!



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  • PS- PICTURES PLEASE!  :)

    pps- we used my mother's diamond from her engagement ring and had it reset into a new setting that suited my tastes (pave diamonds!). I love it, and am so happy we used her stone--- now it's a little old, a little new, and has a lot of love from two relationships built right in.
  • I have a ring that contains the diamond from my FI's great-grandmother. FI had it set in a setting I picked out. It's absolutely gorgeous and means soooo much more to know that there is a history behind it. It makes his mom happy to look at the stone and remember when it was on her grandma's finger. It makes me feel even more like we are combining families. 
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