Chit Chat

Annoyed

So I just found out that my friend, who married her boyfriend at the JOP last summer and moved abroad with him, is maybe having a PPD. This would be a benign annoyance, but just the other day she sent a message to all of us who were close in college asking for addresses, because she was getting ready to send save-the-dates for 8/15/15.

My wedding is 8/8. I am pretty sure all the people on the thread knew that, but of course I have not yet sent my own STDs. But also? I am pretty fucking sure that this girl knew my date was 8/8, because our other close friend asked me specifically so that she could tell Already-married friend. 

And to her credit, she did not pick the same day as mine, which would have been really upsetting. But choosing the week after pretty much guarantees that if anyone can only make it to one weekend, then they will have to choose between us. Even two weeks apart would've been easier. All of our mutual friends are spread far and wide, but we're both having our weddings "back home," so it's travel for almost everyone. 

I know there's not anything I can do about this (apart from getting my STDs out ASAP!) but I'm annoyed nonetheless. She's already married. I set my date in April. I'm worried our friends will choose her over me, and not just for scheduling reasons (because I am insane and insecure and lame, apparently).

I don't know. Does anyone have any words of emotional wisdom? I think I have the practical parts down (practical parts may or may not include casually congratulating them on the group thread for already being married, but not everyone even gives a shit about that so it really seems like sour grapes to even mention it, ugh). Also, I don't know that she's going to call it a wedding rather than a marriage celebration, but even if she does, the fact remains that our events are too close together for most people to make it to both, and I am sad about it.
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This baby knows exactly how I feel

Re: Annoyed

  • Wait.  Her PPD is the week after your wedding.  Why is this an issue in terms of people choosing one over the other?  They are different weekends.  
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  • Wait.  Her PPD is the week after your wedding.  Why is this an issue in terms of people choosing one over the other?  They are different weekends.  
    Because they're all coming from far away--I doubt most people would fly back twice in swift succession, or necessarily want to spend an entire week of vacation back in our home state.
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    This baby knows exactly how I feel
  • I understand how you're feeling, but am not really seeing the problem.  It's just a STD, not an actual invitation and even if it was, it would be highly doubtful (and a giant etiquette problem) if the RSVP's were due before you sent yours out.

    Plus, I'd probably go to a wedding over a PPD if I had to choose.
  • lovegood90lovegood90 member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited December 2014

    That's annoying, I'd probably be annoyed too (especially because it's not even a real wedding). Obviously you only get one day, but I can see where it gets complicated because you have a lot of mutual friends who would need to do an equal amount of travel to both weddings two weekends in a row.

    Only advice I have is to bitch about it here and to your FI, take a deep breath, and just get those STDs out ;)

    Formerly martha1818

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  • Hmmmmmmmmm.

    I personally would choose a wedding over a PPD if I could only make one or the other.

    I might give her my address in the group message and just ask her what exactly the STD is for- then see how she responds.  But that would be for my own edification and not neccessarily to then call out her marriage in that group message. 

    Shit.  That's kinda all I got.  Ugh.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • Yeah it's annoying if she's doing it the week after your wedding.  I'd say get your STD's out ASAP and also let your friends know the date of your wedding so they can make their decisions.  
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  • I can definitely understand why you're annoyed. I mean, come on. It's a PPD. That in itself is a little irritating, but then to put the whole travel burden issue in there... ugh. Vent to us as much as you need to, but stick to the high road, and as you already know get your STDs out pronto! 

    If I had to choose between a wedding and a PPD, I would definitely choose the wedding. That's a really really really easy choice IMO. 
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  • You get one day for your wedding.  Yes, you have a right to be disappointed to have it so close, especially for a PPD, but you only get one day. There are always a variety of factors that dictate when to hold a wedding, so she may not have had much choice in the date.  Maybe that was the only date her dream venue was available. Or the only day that worked with their schedules or that their family was able to attend. I originally had 2 months in consideration for wedding dates, but when we started looking at various factors, there was only one date that worked for everything (considering schedules for us, parents, & siblings), so that was our wedding date. It wouldn't have mattered if a friend had a wedding next weekend, or even the same weekend, that was the only date that worked for us, unless we put the wedding off for a whole year. Get over it and concentrate on planning your wedding.  She likely didn't plan to conflict with your date and may not like it any more than you do. And yes, it may be a good idea to get your STD's out quickly so people can plan which weekend they want to travel, if needed.

    Yes, people may have to choose between the two events.  Honestly, if I were a mutual friend invited to both events, I would choose to attend your wedding, since it's actually a wedding, rather than attend a PPD for the already married friend.  So, I wouldn't worry about that too much.  And if mutual friends choose to only attend her wedding, well, then maybe they weren't that close of a friend anyway.  As long as your most important family and friends are there, your day will be awesome.

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  • Get your STDs out now. Like today. 
    This X1000.

    Also, I would be passive aggressively dropping the word "husband" "married life" and other such terms when referring to her on a regular basis until the wedding. You don't need to over do it - just a simple:

    friend: "have you heard how *annoying PPD friend* is doing?"
    you: "I've heard she and her husband are doing well. Loving married life and back in the states." 

    If it were me, I'd attend a wedding over a PPD all day long.
    *********************************************************************************

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  • You are (all of you) totally correct.

    My worry is that people may not know she's already married--it was pretty hush-hush on social media. But it's true, all I can do is do my own planning. I just wish people wouldn't insist on being so sucky all the damn time. Like, I'd love to be married now and have the legal benefits, too, but I want my nice wedding more, and was taught that having cake and eating it are in fact two separate things.

    Ugh. I don't even like feeling this way. This is my friend whom I love, and I feel gross and ugly being upset over this. 
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    This baby knows exactly how I feel
  • Order your STDs and get them shipped overnight. Seriously. 

    I get being annoyed, since the whole thing is just lame. 
  • "Hey friend, 
    It's so nice that you'll finally be able to put on a party to celebrate your recent marriage! Since it's a week after my wedding, I'm not quite sure if I'll be able to attend since I may be on my honeymoon. I'll let you know. Here's my address though!
    ....
    ..."

    And then "accidentally" hit reply-all.

    GOD I wish I hadn't already responded. That would've been perfect.

    Lurkers, take note! Never do anything wedding-related without running it by the wise women of TK first!
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    This baby knows exactly how I feel
  • You are (all of you) totally correct.

    My worry is that people may not know she's already married--it was pretty hush-hush on social media. But it's true, all I can do is do my own planning. I just wish people wouldn't insist on being so sucky all the damn time. Like, I'd love to be married now and have the legal benefits, too, but I want my nice wedding more, and was taught that having cake and eating it are in fact two separate things.

    Ugh. I don't even like feeling this way. This is my friend whom I love, and I feel gross and ugly being upset over this. 
    It's ok to feel the way you feel. The important thing is, you're venting to us. You're taking the high road here. If you had gone off on her about it or publicly lashed out at her or tried to get her to change her date, any of that, then you should feel gross because that's a gross way to behave. But you're doing the right thing by not making a big deal about it! 
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  • You are (all of you) totally correct.

    My worry is that people may not know she's already married--it was pretty hush-hush on social media. But it's true, all I can do is do my own planning. I just wish people wouldn't insist on being so sucky all the damn time. Like, I'd love to be married now and have the legal benefits, too, but I want my nice wedding more, and was taught that having cake and eating it are in fact two separate things.

    Ugh. I don't even like feeling this way. This is my friend whom I love, and I feel gross and ugly being upset over this. 
    Joint wedding celebrations?  :-)  

    Well if she is having a PPD, gently steer her over here, we'll set her straight!
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  • I completely understand your annoyance. I would be too. 

    I agree - get those STD's out NOW. Then you can let the chips fall where they may. At that point, I bet you'll feel less annoyed ;)


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