What do you say?

ashsmash07 · December 2014

How do you deal with people that ask about being invited to your wedding? We are less than 3 weeks out from our wedding date and there is one person that has asked twice now about being invited. The first time he asked my mom, she told him we are trying to keep the guest list small and are limiting it to just siblings(with their SO's and children, of course), parents and grandparents. He said he understood, so I thought that would be the end of it. Now I get a text and FB message asking what is going on with the wedding and wanting to know if he is invited since he has not received an invitation. For the life of me I cannot think of a polite way to tell him that no, he is still not invited.

On top of that I have my FFIL asking me to send invitations to people that we do not want to invite to the wedding. He feels that it would be nice for them to get one and says that they probably won't come anyways. I think it would be rude to send them invites now since everybody we intended to receive one got theirs weeks ago. Wouldn't it be fairly obvious that they were an afterthought if they received invitations 2 weeks before the wedding date?

lovegood90 · December 2014

It's too late to send your invites now. If you did, it would be b listing, which is rude- they would feel like an afterthought, you're right. I would just stand firm and not invite anyone else.

slothiegal · December 2014

"Oh I'm sorry, we weren't able to invite everybody we wanted to. Have you tried the bean dip?"

Also, is FFIL paying for anything?

mikenberger · December 2014

ashsmash07 said:

How do you deal with people that ask about being invited to your wedding? We are less than 3 weeks out from our wedding date and there is one person that has asked twice now about being invited. The first time he asked my mom, she told him we are trying to keep the guest list small and are limiting it to just siblings(with their SO's and children, of course), parents and grandparents. He said he understood, so I thought that would be the end of it. Now I get a text and FB message asking what is going on with the wedding and wanting to know if he is invited since he has not received an invitation. For the life of me I cannot think of a polite way to tell him that no, he is still not invited.

On top of that I have my FFIL asking me to send invitations to people that we do not want to invite to the wedding. He feels that it would be nice for them to get one and says that they probably won't come anyways. I think it would be rude to send them invites now since everybody we intended to receive one got theirs weeks ago. Wouldn't it be fairly obvious that they were an afterthought if they received invitations 2 weeks before the wedding date?

I would repeat what your mother said about keeping the guest list small. This is perfectly acceptable and polite. It is him who is the issue, not you or your small guest list.

And you are correct about your opinion on sending invites late. It indicates to the guest that they're an after thought or on the B list for invites (someone couldn't attend, so now there is room for them). It's incredibly rude. I understand the understanding of "If he's paying, he should have a right to invite people." But that ship has long since passed. Hopefully he doesn't invite them via word of mouth though. That could get interesting.

Maggie0829 · December 2014

You are 3 weeks out. The time to invite people is over with.

For the rando who keeps asking, just keep repeating what your Mom told him. "Sorry but we are keeping our wedding small." Rinse and repeat.

As for your FFIL, your FI needs to tell him that the time to invite people is done and that if you did send invites now it would look like you were b-listing people and you are not going to be rude like that.

To add, if your FFIL wanted to invite these people then why didn't he tell you that from the beginning? Apparently they were last minute or a random thought on his part so it does not deem an invite on your part.

slothiegal · December 2014

Maggie0829 said:

You are 3 weeks out. The time to invite people is over with.

For the rando who keeps asking, just keep repeating what your Mom told him. "Sorry but we are keeping our wedding small." Rinse and repeat.

As for your FFIL, your FI needs to tell him that the time to invite people is done and that if you did send invites now it would look like you were b-listing people and you are not going to be rude like that.

To add, if your FFIL wanted to invite these people then why didn't he tell you that from the beginning? Apparently they were last minute or a random thought on his part so it does not deem an invite on your part.

Yeah, good call. I didn't even consider the whole "wedding is only 2 weeks away" part. Even if FFIL is paying, it's fucked up he waited until now to tell you. Even if he is 100% they would decline, it would be rude to send an invite.

ashsmash07 · December 2014

Thanks guys! This wedding has been a trainwreck when it comes to invitations. First, my mom wanted to invite pretty much everybody I know and then some, she justified it by saying that they probably wouldn't show anyways since they would have to travel. Then I had to explain to her that I was only going to invite people that we actually wanted there, with my luck everybody would decide it was a great time for a vacation! Then my Grandpa invited some of his cousins without letting me know, luckily my Dad nipped that in the bud. Grandpa was upset that he had to be rude and uninvite people haha.

@slothiegal Nope, he isn't contributing

ashsmash07 · December 2014

mikenberger said:

ashsmash07 said:

How do you deal with people that ask about being invited to your wedding? We are less than 3 weeks out from our wedding date and there is one person that has asked twice now about being invited. The first time he asked my mom, she told him we are trying to keep the guest list small and are limiting it to just siblings(with their SO's and children, of course), parents and grandparents. He said he understood, so I thought that would be the end of it. Now I get a text and FB message asking what is going on with the wedding and wanting to know if he is invited since he has not received an invitation. For the life of me I cannot think of a polite way to tell him that no, he is still not invited.

On top of that I have my FFIL asking me to send invitations to people that we do not want to invite to the wedding. He feels that it would be nice for them to get one and says that they probably won't come anyways. I think it would be rude to send them invites now since everybody we intended to receive one got theirs weeks ago. Wouldn't it be fairly obvious that they were an afterthought if they received invitations 2 weeks before the wedding date?

I would repeat what your mother said about keeping the guest list small. This is perfectly acceptable and polite. It is him who is the issue, not you or your small guest list.

And you are correct about your opinion on sending invites late. It indicates to the guest that they're an after thought or on the B list for invites (someone couldn't attend, so now there is room for them). It's incredibly rude. I understand the understanding of "If he's paying, he should have a right to invite people." But that ship has long since passed. Hopefully he doesn't invite them via word of mouth though. That could get interesting.

I'm pretty sure he didn't just tell them they were invited. If he did it probably would have been in the last week or so. These people all live on the opposite side of the country so hopefully if he did the cost of flying out will deter them. I don't want things to get interesting!

mikenberger · December 2014

ashsmash07 said:

mikenberger said:

ashsmash07 said:

How do you deal with people that ask about being invited to your wedding? We are less than 3 weeks out from our wedding date and there is one person that has asked twice now about being invited. The first time he asked my mom, she told him we are trying to keep the guest list small and are limiting it to just siblings(with their SO's and children, of course), parents and grandparents. He said he understood, so I thought that would be the end of it. Now I get a text and FB message asking what is going on with the wedding and wanting to know if he is invited since he has not received an invitation. For the life of me I cannot think of a polite way to tell him that no, he is still not invited.

On top of that I have my FFIL asking me to send invitations to people that we do not want to invite to the wedding. He feels that it would be nice for them to get one and says that they probably won't come anyways. I think it would be rude to send them invites now since everybody we intended to receive one got theirs weeks ago. Wouldn't it be fairly obvious that they were an afterthought if they received invitations 2 weeks before the wedding date?

I would repeat what your mother said about keeping the guest list small. This is perfectly acceptable and polite. It is him who is the issue, not you or your small guest list.

And you are correct about your opinion on sending invites late. It indicates to the guest that they're an after thought or on the B list for invites (someone couldn't attend, so now there is room for them). It's incredibly rude. I understand the understanding of "If he's paying, he should have a right to invite people." But that ship has long since passed. Hopefully he doesn't invite them via word of mouth though. That could get interesting.

I'm pretty sure he didn't just tell them they were invited. If he did it probably would have been in the last week or so. These people all live on the opposite side of the country so hopefully if he did the cost of flying out will deter them. I don't want things to get interesting!

haha, I wouldn't worry about it then. You definitely don't have to invite them. Especially if they live across the country. You don't want these people to feel entitled to send you a gift.

Happy wedding in a few weeks!

ashsmash07 · December 2014

mikenberger said:
haha, I wouldn't worry about it then. You definitely don't have to invite them. Especially if they live across the country. You don't want these people to feel entitled to send you a gift.

Happy wedding in a few weeks!

Good point about the gifts. We definitely don't need more stuff, the house is cluttered enough as it is!

Thank you!

JellyBean52513 · December 2014

I would make one minor adjustment in your response to the random friend: don't tell him you're keeping your guest list small, tell him you kept it small... as in, it's already set with no more for changes. Example:

"Hey, we actually already sent out all the invitations, and since we kept our guest list really small, all that's left now is just counting down til the big day. I totally appreciate your wanting to attend, I wish we could've invited absolutely everybody to celebrate with us!"

I'm not a big fan of "sorry, we weren't able to invite everyone we'd like to" or similar language because you have nothing to apologize for. There is no reason for you to tell this person, or anyone who tries to talk their way onto a guest list, 'sorry' for not inviting them. Just be honest since he's obviously so persistent and won't take a hint. It's absolutely possible to be honest and polite at the same time.

short+sassy · December 2014

I agree with JellyBean. With some people, you can't even be "not so subtle"...you have to be point blank. You should just flat out tell him he is not invited...but, of course, nicely and with examples given of it being small, couldn't invite everybody to celebrate, etc.

MegEn1 · December 2014

We have a friend's sister who talked to FI's sister about the wedding and how excited she was about it. Then, according to FI's sister, she apparently backtracked and got all flustered and ashamed. "Oh, I mean, if I'm invited! Not that I need to be but tee hee!"

We all shrugged it off as her just trying to have a conversation and getting swept up in it. No harm, right?

Well we find out she's pulled the same little act with three other people in FI's family. "I mean, if I'm invited but whatever right? Tee hee!"

Sigh ... it worked, she's on the invitation list. I don't mind that she'll be there, but I DO mind her shitty tactics.

ashsmash07 · December 2014

MegEn1 said:

We have a friend's sister who talked to FI's sister about the wedding and how excited she was about it. Then, according to FI's sister, she apparently backtracked and got all flustered and ashamed. "Oh, I mean, if I'm invited! Not that I need to be but tee hee!"

We all shrugged it off as her just trying to have a conversation and getting swept up in it. No harm, right?

Well we find out she's pulled the same little act with three other people in FI's family. "I mean, if I'm invited but whatever right? Tee hee!"

Sigh ... it worked, she's on the invitation list. I don't mind that she'll be there, but I DO mind her shitty tactics.

You certainly have more patience than I do, that definitely would have gotten her bumped off my list!

Thanks for your help everybody, looks like my problem person got the message this time. I was polite but he hasn't responded to me so he's probably offended anyway. Oh well. Fi explained to his parents how rude it would be to send invites now as it would be obvious they weren't supposed to be invited. FMIL's response was that it's not rude and they won't mind, they just want to get invitations. I have a feeling that if we don't just send them I will be hearing about it right up until the wedding day.

annakay511 · December 2014

Don't send any more invitations. There's a reason those people didn't make the guest list in the first place.

Also, who is this person who keeps asking??!! Seriously, do not even dignify their rudeness with a response!

SP29 · December 2014

@ashmash07 If that is what the ILs are worried about, you can send a wedding announcement to these people (I assume family members of your FI- who I can understand might like something like this).

whovianstark · December 2014

ashsmash07 said:

Thanks guys! This wedding has been a trainwreck when it comes to invitations. First, my mom wanted to invite pretty much everybody I know and then some, she justified it by saying that they probably wouldn't show anyways since they would have to travel. Then I had to explain to her that I was only going to invite people that we actually wanted there, with my luck everybody would decide it was a great time for a vacation! Then my Grandpa invited some of his cousins without letting me know, luckily my Dad nipped that in the bud. Grandpa was upset that he had to be rude and uninvite people haha.

@slothiegal Nope, he isn't contributing

I'm glad I'm not the only one, my mom is trying the same thing. "Well, if we invite this person we have to invite this person." "Mom, I don't even know that person." "Oh it doesn't matter they probably won't come anyway." SIGH.

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