Should I have a bridal shower?

Knottie54775630 · December 2014

Hi everyone!

I have an etiquette question regarding bridal showers. My fiancé and I are having a very simple DIY wedding because we don't have a lot of money and we are moving out at the same time as our wedding, which is another large expenditure. We've also decided that we want to keep our ceremony intimate with just our immediate family members with a larger reception following later that day for 100 guests. My question is: since most of our guests are going to the reception but not the ceremony, would it be rude to still invite them to a bridal shower? My sisters would be hosting and their opinion is that everyone we would invite understands our financial situation, and would happy to go to a bridal shower even without going to the ceremony. Personally, I would love to have a shower just for the experience and to get together with the women in my life-the gifts aren't important to me (though of course it would help us out a lot). I've just always loved showers! My concern is that people will feel like we are asking too much of them gift-wise, so I thought I'd ask your thoughts. I figure there are a few different scenarios:

1. Don't have a bridal shower at all

2. Have a shower, but make it a "no gifts" shower (though I'm not sure how I'd convey that it's no gifts)

3. Have a traditional bridal shower

Which scenario do you think is best? Any thoughts or tips regarding this situation? Thanks for your help!!

Teddy917 · December 2014

#1 is the only one you can do. A shower is by definition a gift giving event, so #2 won't work. And it's rude to invite people to any prewedding parties who aren't invited to the wedding, eliminating #3.

What you could do, since getting together with your close friends is the most important part to you, just invite them to hang out with you. Don't make it wedding related. Just have fun.

Viczaesar · December 2014

Knottie54775630 said:

Hi everyone!
I have an etiquette question regarding bridal showers. My fiancé and I are having a very simple DIY wedding because we don't have a lot of money and we are moving out at the same time as our wedding, which is another large expenditure. We've also decided that we want to keep our ceremony intimate with just our immediate family members with a larger reception following later that day for 100 guests. My question is: since most of our guests are going to the reception but not the ceremony, would it be rude to still invite them to a bridal shower? Yep. Anyone invited to a shower has to be invited to the wedding ceremony. My sisters would be hosting and their opinion is that everyone we would invite understands our financial situation, That doesn't make any sense. Your intimate ceremony is not for financial reasons. The real money expenditure at a wedding is the reception, not the ceremony and would happy to go to a bridal shower even without going to the ceremony. Personally, I would love to have a shower just for the experience and to get together with the women in my life-the gifts aren't important to me (though of course it would help us out a lot). You can, but only with the few people who are invited to the actual ceremony. I've just always loved showers! My concern is that people will feel like we are asking too much of them gift-wise, so I thought I'd ask your thoughts. I figure there are a few different scenarios:

1. Don't have a bridal shower at all
2. Have a shower, but make it a "no gifts" shower (though I'm not sure how I'd convey that it's no gifts) Then it's not a shower. You shouldn't invite people to any pre-wedding party if they're not invited to the wedding ceremony itself, whether or not it's a gift-giving event
3. Have a traditional bridal shower Not an option
4. Have a small, intimate shower with just the people invited to your ceremony

Which scenario do you think is best? Any thoughts or tips regarding this situation? Thanks for your help!!

This (a larger shower or possibly any shower at all) is one of the things you're agreeing to give up when you decide to have a small, intimate wedding ceremony.

esstee33 · December 2014

Why are you having a huge reception following a small ceremony if you're concerned with cost? The reception is the expensive part, not the ceremony.

Invite everyone to the ceremony and then you can have a shower and invite people to it.

Also: "My sisters would be hosting and their opinion is that everyone we would invite understands our financial situation," is bullshit, btw. One of my very best friends in the world is getting married next year and they have basically zero money. I understood from day one that they may not be able to invite me, despite how close we are, because that's how shit happens when you have a lot of family to invite and few funds to work with. What they're doing instead, a tiered reception, is horribly rude and I'm extremely hurt by their decision, even though I'm invited to the "first-tier reception" following the ceremony I'm not invited to for reasons that are totally unclear. I understand their financial situation perfectly well, but it doesn't make rudeness excusable.

novella1186 · December 2014

esstee33 said:

Why are you having a huge reception following a small ceremony if you're concerned with cost? The reception is the expensive part, not the ceremony.

Invite everyone to the ceremony and then you can have a shower and invite people to it.

Also: "My sisters would be hosting and their opinion is that everyone we would invite understands our financial situation," is bullshit, btw. One of my very best friends in the world is getting married next year and they have basically zero money. I understood from day one that they may not be able to invite me, despite how close we are, because that's how shit happens when you have a lot of family to invite and few funds to work with. What they're doing instead, a tiered reception, is horribly rude and I'm extremely hurt by their decision, even though I'm invited to the "first-tier reception" following the ceremony I'm not invited to for reasons that are totally unclear. I understand their financial situation perfectly well, but it doesn't make rudeness excusable.

This. I'm also confused as to why cost is forcing you to have a small ceremony. My ceremony costs a tiny fraction of what my reception costs, and that's with ALL guests invited to both. Some of the people who are only invited to your reception will be very hurt (and maybe even offended) that they did not get to actually see you get married, even if they don't express that to you. Just invite everyone to both, and then have the bridal shower.

southernbelle0915 · December 2014

Knottie54775630 said:

Hi everyone!
I have an etiquette question regarding bridal showers. My fiancé and I are having a very simple DIY wedding because we don't have a lot of money and we are moving out at the same time as our wedding, which is another large expenditure. We've also decided that we want to keep our ceremony intimate with just our immediate family members with a larger reception following later that day for 100 guests. My question is: since most of our guests are going to the reception but not the ceremony, would it be rude to still invite them to a bridal shower? YES My sisters would be hosting and their opinion is that everyone we would invite understands our financial situation, and would happy to go to a bridal shower even without going to the ceremony. It's still against etiquette. Personally, I would love to have a shower just for the experience and to get together with the women in my life-the gifts aren't important to me (though of course it would help us out a lot). I've just always loved showers! My concern is that people will feel like we are asking too much of them gift-wise, so I thought I'd ask your thoughts. I figure there are a few different scenarios:

1. Don't have a bridal shower at all
2. Have a shower, but make it a "no gifts" shower (though I'm not sure how I'd convey that it's no gifts) There's no such thing - showers are to "shower" the bride in gifts. They are gift giving events.
3. Have a traditional bridal shower You can do this if you only invite people who are invited to your actual wedding.

Which scenario do you think is best? Any thoughts or tips regarding this situation? Thanks for your help!!

Two things:

1) You can absolutely have a shower. But from an etiquette standpoint, you can only invite the people who are invited to your actual wedding.

2) I don't understand how having a reception later is saving you any money? The reception is usually the expensive part of weddings. I'm confused about this plan...

I will also throw in a suggestion for your entire event. If you're strapped for cash, have an afternoon wedding with a cake/light app/punch reception. Wedding at 2pm, reception 2:30-5pm. If you don't have the evening/dinner/dancing/bar reception, you may be able to afford to host all 100 people (and invite them to your ceremony). If you invite these people to the actual wedding, you can invite them to any wedding related events, like a shower. Just a thought.

SomethingBeautiful08 · December 2014

The only additional necessary "expense" on a ceramony from "immediate family" 10ish people total to 100 ish people should be just additional chairs, and possibly a sound system depending on the space. So I don't understand this kind of wedding from a standpoint of wanting to safe costs. That said, the wedding itself is not rude. Inviting those not invited to the ceremony to a bridal shower is questionable at best but to me it feels rude but I would feel slighted.

climbingsingle · December 2014

You really shouldn't be inviting people to a bridal shower if they're not witnessing you getting married.

tcnoble · December 2014

Ceremonies aren't the expensive part. We could invite 1,500 people or 150 to our ceremony and the cost wouldn't change. The reception is what eats up your budget so that isn't a valid argument.

Don't invite people to a bridal shower that aren't invited to your ceremony. Period. If you don't want to receive gifts, don't have a shower. Simple as that. You aren't "required" to have a shower, by any means. Or just have a shower with the people invited to the ceremony. Always a valid option.

Jen4948 · December 2014

Have a party that has no gift-giving expectations. It can't be called a "shower" because showers by definition have gift-giving expectations; nor should it be billed as "wedding-related" if you are inviting anyone who' not invited to the actual wedding ceremony.

But don't expect people to "understand" that you want to invite them to a bridal shower but not the wedding. That's a major breach of etiquette and you'll get called on it for the BS that it is. Nobody likes or "understands" being invited to a shower but not the wedding as anything other than gift-grabby.

JennyColada · December 2014

So basically you'd be inviting people to a gift-giving event (shower) because you're inviting them to a gift-giving event (the reception). Totally gift grabby and AW if you ask me.

By inviting me to the reception and not the ceremony, for right or for wrong, reads to me as "your gift is the most important part of your attendance."

sarawifenow · December 2014

I, too, am confused as to why you are having a small ceremony and then inviting a lot of people to the reception if you are trying to save money?

Also, I ditto @JennyColada in that if you invite me to the reception and not the ceremony, I will just think you are wanting gifts from me. It is insulting.

MGP · December 2014

sarawifenow said:
I, too, am confused as to why you are having a small ceremony and then inviting a lot of people to the reception if you are trying to save money?

Also, I ditto @JennyColada in that if you invite me to the reception and not the ceremony, I will just think you are wanting gifts from me. It is insulting.

I am waiting for the OP to respond that she is saving money on the reception by having a 100 person potluck. Just have a feeling about this. . .

lovegood90 · December 2014

MGP said:

show previous quotes
I, too, am confused as to why you are having a small ceremony and then inviting a lot of people to the reception if you are trying to save money?

Also, I ditto @JennyColada in that if you invite me to the reception and not the ceremony, I will just think you are wanting gifts from me. It is insulting.
I am waiting for the OP to respond that she is saving money on the reception by having a 100 person potluck. Just have a feeling about this. . .

I'll be optimistic and cross my fingers that she means cake and punch reception in the afternoon

MGP · December 2014

lovegood90 said:
show previous quotes

MGP said:

sarawifenow said:
I, too, am confused as to why you are having a small ceremony and then inviting a lot of people to the reception if you are trying to save money?

Also, I ditto @JennyColada in that if you invite me to the reception and not the ceremony, I will just think you are wanting gifts from me. It is insulting.
I am waiting for the OP to respond that she is saving money on the reception by having a 100 person potluck. Just have a feeling about this. . .

I'll be optimistic and cross my fingers that she means cake and punch reception in the afternoon

But why do just cake and punch when you can ask/tell people to make 100 servings of something at their own expense? It shouldn't take them that long and if they love you they will be thrilled to do it. Because THAT'S JUST WHAT YOU DO for people you love. Work for free.

Knottie54775630 · December 2014

Thanks for the advice. My gut was telling me it might be rude, but I was getting different feedback from those around me. We are not having an intimate ceremony to save money, but rather because we want that to be a really intimate moment-we are literally getting married out in a field. However, we didn't want to leave our extended family out of the wedding celebration entirely, so we decided to host a reception (and no it's not potluck or cake & punch). The overwhelming consensus here is that I should tell my family not to host a shower, so that's what I'll do. The gifts aren't important to me, and I really just wanted a fun and special afternoon with my family. Maybe I'll do Teddy 917's idea of a non-wedding related hang-out. Thanks for your help!

lilacck28 · December 2014

Good call OP!

lilacck28 · December 2014

ps- I'm sure your wedding will be lovely!

Knottie54775630 · December 2014

lilacck28 said:

ps- I'm sure your wedding will be lovely!

Thanks! I appreciate that!

Knottie54775630 · December 2014

MGP said:

show previous quotes
I, too, am confused as to why you are having a small ceremony and then inviting a lot of people to the reception if you are trying to save money?

Also, I ditto @JennyColada in that if you invite me to the reception and not the ceremony, I will just think you are wanting gifts from me. It is insulting.
I am waiting for the OP to respond that she is saving money on the reception by having a 100 person potluck. Just have a feeling about this. . .

Nope. I recognize that the reception is like a "thank you" for your friends and family for their support and love. We may have a small budget, but almost all of it is going towards making sure we provide our guests with a nice experience.

MGP · December 2014

Knottie54775630 said:

show previous quotes

MGP said:

I, too, am confused as to why you are having a small ceremony and then inviting a lot of people to the reception if you are trying to save money?

Also, I ditto @JennyColada in that if you invite me to the reception and not the ceremony, I will just think you are wanting gifts from me. It is insulting.
I am waiting for the OP to respond that she is saving money on the reception by having a 100 person potluck. Just have a feeling about this. . .

Nope. I recognize that the reception is like a "thank you" for your friends and family for their support and love. We may have a small budget, but almost all of it is going towards making sure we provide our guests with a nice experience.

Awesome, sounds like you are on the right track!

Sorry for my skepticism, we just hear everything on these boards. Stick around, and change your name so we can recognize you.

Viczaesar · December 2014

I like you, OP. Stick around!

Should I have a bridal shower?

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