How Do You Celebrate After a Family Member Dies?

Knottie69195896 · December 2014

My dad died from cancer earlier this year. We were extremely close - we worked together at his company for six years, and spoke on the phone every day that we didn't see one another. I was so lucky to have such a wonderful, caring father. A few months after he died, my (also wonderful, caring) fiancé proposed to me, and now we are getting married in May. Despite all the excitement about the wedding, it's still bittersweet. I can't help but feel a heavy sense of disappointment and sadness that my dad won't be there to celebrate with me. Every time I see a photo of a bride walking down the aisle with her dad, I feel a twinge of jealousy. All the posts I've read - about carrying a photo in your bouquet, etc. - just don't seem to offer any real comfort. Has anyone else been through this? How do you cope?

JellyBean52513 · December 2014

First of all, my deepest condolences to you. I know how very difficult it is to lose someone who's played such a huge role in your life. For me, that was my grandma. 7 and a half years later, I'm still very emotionally weak. Everyone heals differently, and there is no right or wrong way to move on from the loss of a loved one, so don't think for one second that you're ever wrong for feeling whatever way you feel.

I'm not married, so I can't really speak about weddings specifically, but all I can tell you is that everyone copes in their own way. For me, I tried to find peace in the fact that she actually gets to be with me every second of the day, she's always looking over me and she can always hear me when I have something to say to her. That notion of her constant presence and protection gives me comfort. I can silently talk to her in the middle of day, I can pray to her at night, and I can smile knowing that she's watching me and I'm hopefully making her proud. I even remind myself that she's always watching, so to be careful about what I do and say (for example, I would just love to tell my boss how I really feel about her on the day I finally quit my job, but as soon as the thought enters my mind I can visualize her shaking her head at me saying "Oh, Jellybean, don't be that way. You're better than that" and it helps to keep me in check).

So, to answer your question, I cope by living my life as if my grandma is right here next to me, so that way I can convince myself that I didn't truly lose her. I also try not to think too hard about the physical, tangible things that we don't get to do anymore--like play cards, watch Price is Right, or go to Applebees and split an order of mozzarella sticks--because that's when the loss really hurts. I focus on the emotional relationship I have with her. I also remember that she's healthy and happy now (my grandma passed away after battling lung cancer and subsequent complications for 10 years). Consistent with my beliefs, I believe your dad is right there with you and he probably wishes he could tell you not to stress about this, because he will be right there beside you on your big day!

ETA: I also got a tattoo about a month after she died. It's a big rosary in between my shoulder blades (she was very religious) that has a little pair of angel wings behind and a banner below it that says "Grandma." I got it in that location on my body so that she would always, physically, have my back

not sure how you feel about tattoos, but this tattoo is my most important and it means a lot to me to have a tribute to her etched on my body forever

lyndausvi · December 2014

I'm sorry for your loss.

I come from a family that very much feels that life is for the living. A family member dying is not met with debilitating sadness. We remember all the good time we had with the deceased, but do not let the fact they have passed make us miss out on future good times with those who are still alive.

My uncle died 3 weeks before his son's wedding. The show went on. Sure my cousin (and us) missed my uncle and there was a tear or two shed, but overall still everyone was able to have a lot of fun.

Your father has passed, but you have a lifetime of memories ahead of you.

Butterflyz419 · December 2014

I'm so sorry for your loss and I understand your feelings well although I have had much more time than you to learn how to live life without him. My father will have been gone for nearly 7 years when I get married next June. It hurts so much that not only will he not be there at the wedding, he never even got to meet my fiancé. I too have felt that twinge of jealousy at the many weddings I've been to since his passing as the bride walks down the aisle with her father and choked back tears during every father daughter dance I've witnessed.

It was very important to me to find a way to honor my dad and make his presence felt at my wedding. The big thing that I'm doing that will be visible to others is a note on the back of my program to memorialize him and explain our favors. We are giving donuts as favors at the end of the night to our guests, the reason being when I was growing up whenever my dad went out for a while, very often he'd bring home a donut for me. No reason in particular, just because. I started dating my FI after my dad had passed away; the first time I invited him over dinner, he brought me a donut--not a bottle of wine, flowers, candy...but 2 donuts, one for him, one for me. That was when I knew my dad had sent this guy for me special. So we are giving our guests donuts as a simple token of our love for them, just as the donuts my dad would bring me were a simple token of his love for me and it's really important for me to share that story of my father with my guests, because he is part of my joy even if he's not there.

On a smaller and less public scale, I'm carrying an engraved whistle of his on my bouquet because he was a youth soccer coach, mine when I was small and when I was older I was his assistant, I've also chosen a few must-play songs that remind me of him and a particularly special one for my brother and I to dance to.

I think the biggest comfort to you will be to find that special something or somethings that you shared with your dad that you can carry with you (whether that's emotionally or physically) each day with you and in regard to the wedding to share with your guests. This is the thing that's given me the most comfort in this whole process, to bring some important part of who he was to a day that is so important. When I think about these plans, it makes me smile and takes the edge out of the sadness and disappointment.

Strength and hugs to you during this difficult time.

steph861 · December 2014

I'm so sorry.

At my wedding, we had pictures of the deceased on a table and a candle by the guestbook. I took a few minutes to light it and think about them and how much I wished they were there. I realize that may not be as meaningful when the loved one is a parent, but we felt it allowed us to publicly acknowledge the deceased without making guests feel uncomfortable.

Jen4948 · December 2014

I am so sorry for your loss.

Some nice ways to remember your loved one at your wedding are to give him a tribute in a program if you are having one, to wear or carry something he owned or that is associated with him, to have food, drink, decorations, or entertainment he would have enjoyed, like a special song, and to mention him briefly in a speech.

AlexaF2014 · December 2014

I'm sorry for your loss.

My father died about 2 1/2 years ago, FI proposed about 6 months after and we got married last month. The most important thing, I feel, is that no one can tell you how to (or how not to) grieve. And, any grieving you do do is for you, not anyone else. It doesn't have to be something visible to anyone else, like the candles or photos (although, if you like that, do it), it can be something only you, or only a few people know about.

All the traditional father-daughter things (giving away, dancing) are not required for a marriage and you can choose what you're most comfortable with. It you want someone else to take part of it with you (mother, godfather, brother) or just want to forgo it, there is no wrong answer.

For what it's worth, your wedding will be a day of joy - yes, there will be sad moments and you will miss your dad, but that's not what the day is about. Honor him how you see fit, and be married.

Sammyantha13 · December 2014

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I was in the same boat as you--although my dad passed away from cancer in 2010, and I just got married in October. But it was still hard without him. I was also really close to my dad; we talked pretty much everyday while I was in college. I saw things on Pinterest about putting a photo of him in an empty seat at the ceremony and things like that, but I knew if I saw his face I would be too sad.

H and I did a tree unity thing during our ceremony...like a way to represent the two families growing together. Our moms came up and we all poured vases of dirt into the pot. But I picked a redbud tree because those were my dad's favorite, and so it was a nice way to honor him.

Also, I'm not sure if you have siblings, but my little (and only) brother walked me down the aisle, and did a dance with me during the reception. It was really sweet. When he came to get me to walk down the aisle, he whispered to me, "Dad would be so proud of you." We both started tearing up, but it was comforting to think about how happy he would be for us if he was there. So just focus on that. And honestly, you'll be so busy-happy and distracted that I'm sure your joy will overcome any sadness that you may feel!

twitterbird · December 2014

My dad has been gone for 20 years now...more than half my life. I still miss him everyday and wish he was still here. In a way I dreaded getting having a wedding because of all the things I would miss out on...him giving me away, father/daughter dance, etc. I thought I didn't want a big wedding because people would be looking at me and pitying me or something. That it would be sad.

I got married almost a month ago now and it was without a doubt one of the happiest days of my life. My mom walked me down the aisle. And I did a dance with her in place of the father/bride dance. My fiance got me a bouquet frame so I had his photo with me and we did a remembrance listing on the back of the church program. I asked one of my cousin's on my dad's side to do a toast to the bride and to incorporate stories about him into it. I also wore his wedding band (sized down to fit me of course). Finally we found a copy of the toast to the groom that was done at mom and dad's wedding and I read that during our thank yous. I felt him with me all day and didn't get sad at all.

This has actually been a really rough year for my dad's side of the family so they were happy to have something to celebrate. 2 of my dad's siblings and basically his lifelong best friend all died since March.

southernbelle0915 · December 2014

Jen4948 said:
I am so sorry for your loss.

Some nice ways to remember your loved one at your wedding are to give him a tribute in a program if you are having one, to wear or carry something he owned or that is associated with him, to have food, drink, decorations, or entertainment he would have enjoyed, like a special song, and to mention him briefly in a speech.

This. I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine what a bittersweet time this is for you.

Personally, I would carry something of his as part of tour bouquet or attire. I'd also serve his favorite food and play his favorite song.

As much as you may be tempted to do something like leave an empty seat, Reserve a spot with his photo, etc. just keep in mind many see this as gauche and "in your face".

Maggie0829 · December 2014

lyndausvi said:

I'm sorry for your loss.

I come from a family that very much feels that life is for the living. A family member dying is not met with debilitating sadness. We remember all the good time we had with the deceased, but do not let the fact they have passed make us miss out on future good times with those who are still alive.

My uncle died 3 weeks before his son's wedding. The show went on. Sure my cousin (and us) missed my uncle and there was a tear or two shed, but overall still everyone was able to have a lot of fun.

Your father has passed, but you have a lifetime of memories ahead of you.

My family is very similar.

My grandmother (my Mom's Mom) passed not long before my sister was engaged to be married. We all shared a few tears during wedding dress shopping wishing she could have been there with us, but we all realized that she was still with us in a way, and knowing our Grandmother, was probably looking down on us telling us to stop with the damn sissy crying and to try on more dresses.

And not long ago my H lost his Grandmother (his Mom's Mom). But even though his family was all still sad about losing her, at Thanksgiving everyone took turns telling a funny story about their Mom and Grandmother.

When it comes to losing someone you love it just plain old sucks. But you have to remember all the good times you spent with them and know that they do not want you to be miserable and sad and upset on a day that is supposed to be happy and fun and exciting.

MairePoppy · December 2014

My condolences.

I hope you'll plan your wedding the way your dad would want you to - with joy and anticipation - just as you would have if he was still here. As a parent, I would wish my children to have happiness in their lives.

My family believes that those who love us are still with us spiritually, so it's typical for a family member to mention that 'Dad is looking down at you and he must be so proud,' or something similar to that. A few tears of longing and appreciation that our loved one is remembered is the response.

peachy13 · December 2014

I'm sorry for your loss! My father died several years ago and I'm definitely having some sad thoughts as my wedding day approaches, especially thinking about him not walking me down the aisle, us not dancing together, and him not getting to see his oldest daughter on her wedding day.

But, I have to keep in mind one thing. Would my father really want me to be sad on my wedding day? No. He would want me to be happy. My dad was the kind of person who put others before himself and I know he would be devastated if I turned what should be a happy and special day into a heartbreaking, emotional event. He would want me to be happy, and I'm sure your father would want the same thing. Hang in there!

short+sassy · December 2014

I'm so sorry for your loss. The other PP's are right. Think of what would be comforting to you on your wedding day and go with that. Recognize that you are going to have moments of sadness and loss, even amongst all the joy, and that is okay.

My father had been passed away for almost 20 years on my wedding day, so it wasn't as recent for me. But it was still hard.

I got married out of state from where I live. The day of my flight, I was running around my house like a crazy person trying to make sure I wasn't forgetting anything before I left for the airport. I happened to glance at a family photo with my dad in it...a photo that is sitting in my house all the time...and I stopped in my tracks and almost lost it. My eyes started tearing. I picked up the photo and told my dad how much I missed him and how much I wished he could come back for one day to meet my fiancé and watch me get married.

The day of the wedding, a few hours before the ceremony, my mom and I were briefly alone and sitting in the kitchen after finishing breakfast and we both had a little cry over him not being there. I found that really cathartic. It allowed me to acknowledge my grief, the unfairness, the sadness...have a good cry over it...and then better focus on the oncoming day.

Throughout the rest of the day, whenever I started to feel the grief coming back, I reminded myself that he was there with me and was proud of me and was happy for me. And I would smile for him to let him know I felt his presence.

Another special moment during the ceremony is we used my father's wedding ring to exchange our vows (my DH doesn't wear rings and didn't want one). Most of the guests did not know this and so it really had a special and private meaning for myself, my DH, and my mom.

mrsmcgibblets · December 2014

I can completely sympathize with you. My sister died of cancer this past April. She was 31. I got engaged in July and my wedding is in March. I really can't put into words how devastating and traumatic the experience has been on both myself, my parents, brother and extended family.

That being said, she made us promise that life would go on. So, ya, I'm going to be sad on my wedding day, and I'll probably carry a piece of her jewelry in my bouquet, but we won't do any other obvious displays because we had a kick ass memorial service for her and she wouldn't have wanted my wedding to be a sad affair. I can guarantee, though, that we will be talking about her and missing her regardless--and I think that's the best way to honor her. That, and I'll probably have the DJ play one of her favorite party songs.

None of this is going to be a comfort to me, though. Or make me feel better about the fact that she won't be there. So, I understand how you feel. The fact is, I can choose to either be completely consumed by sadness and let that overshadow my wedding or accept the fact that sadness is a part of my life now and learn to live with it while still enjoying the happy moments in life.

retterin · December 2014

I'm very sorry for your loss. My best friend's father passed away very unexpectedly (he was only 45) about 4 months before her wedding. She chose to walk down the aisle alone, with the processional being his favorite song. It was a very warm gesture, and made her feel like he was with her as she walked down the aisle. Those guests who knew him well understood it immediately, and it was a comfort to them as well.

It is such a personal thing, and there are many ways to acknowledge those we've lost in happy moments.

danamw · December 2014

Sounds like you had an exceptional relationship with your dad. Honor him in the ways the other PP's have mentioned.

By the time you get married, your dad will have been gone over a year. My experience is, your mind will find a way, a place to think of your dad, without the sharp sadness and loss.

The day will come when you can smile when you think of him, instead of cry. He will be watching over you not just at your wedding, but always.

Knottie69195896 · December 2014

Wow, thank you all for the responses! It's really overwhelming to see such support from all of you, and it means a lot. Everyone has great points, and it helps to know I am not alone with this. Thank you!

WhatawagSBNy · December 2014

You will always love him and never forget.

I bet that he always hoped and dreamed his little girl would grow to be a terrific young woman, and marry someone who would treasure you always.

On your wedding day you will be making his dream come true. Be happy about that.

CMGragain · December 2014

I am a retired church organist. The first few weddings I played, I had trouble not crying when I saw the bride and her father walking down the aisle. I got over that. When my daughter was married, my sister took one look at daughter and DH together, and bawled like a baby. It had been 45 years since Dad died.
How do you celebrate after a family member dies? You just do. Life goes on.
Hugs to you!

runningtomywedding · January 2015

My father passed away a year and a half ago and I'll be getting married in July. My fiancé's mom also passed away last year, and my brother passed away several years ago.

We kept putting off an engagement because of all these losses, but finally just decided that they would want us to be happy and get married and start our own family.

I cannot even see a commercial of a wedding without tearing up when the dad walks the bride down the aisle. It breaks my heart that he won't be there to walk me, and that my brother can't be there in his place, and that my fiancé's mom will not be with us on that day.

We haven't quite decided how we will honor them, but we do know a couple things. I will be walking down the aisle to his favorite band, which is a progressive rock band but I luckily found an awesome wedding band that is going to make it work. I am hoping my fiancé will have a song important to his mother that we can do the same thing with. I have no idea how to honor my brother in a meaningful way, but I will think of something.

I am sorry you have this sadness on what should be a celebratory day, and I hope you can take comfort in the fact that so many people go through this same thing. I just try to keep telling myself how happy my dad would be about all of this, how this is what he would want, how he would hate to know that I was upset on my wedding day, etc.

How Do You Celebrate After a Family Member Dies?

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