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Lush control at reception

vikinganna87vikinganna87 member
Fifth Anniversary 250 Love Its 100 Comments First Answer
in Wedding Etiquette Forum

We're having an open bar at our reception.  A good friend, let's call him Sammy, is a [functioning] alcoholic.  He went to his best friend's wedding a couple of weeks ago and when I asked how it was he just responded "I was f'n hammered all night, have no idea." 

I'm wondering if I can instruct the bartender to only serve him beer, no hard liquor.  If this is the case, I'd probably tell Sammy in advance.  I think he would take it well; we're very honest with each other. 

Is this rude?  Are there other ways to handle it? 

The open bar is not consumption-based; we're paying a flat fee, so it's unrelated to cost.

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Re: Lush control at reception

  • Knottie48804623Knottie48804623 member
    Second Anniversary 10 Comments 5 Love Its
    I understand where you're coming from, but if someone did that to me I think it would make me feel like a child and very disrespected. So I'd say, it is rude, but you know your relationship with him better than I do. Not sure how else you could handle it (maybe talk to him about it?) but I guess it's ultimately his decision if he wants to drink at your wedding, and he is an adult.
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  • dcbride86dcbride86 member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Second Anniversary First Answer
    You could ask the bartender not to serve anyone who is visibly drunk.  That should be their rule anyway, but if you reinforce it to the bartender, maybe that could help?  Other than that, I wouldn't make any special rules for him.

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  • tammym1001tammym1001 member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    edited December 2014
    I'm not being snarky, this is an honest question: why do you care?

    A guest at our wedding got so drunk that she fell down the steps. A few guests got so drunk that they were puking. We all laughed about it and I told them that I was glad they all had a good time (except the girl who fell. we made sure she was ok and she was mortified so we don't bring it up). Is it going to affect your happiness at your wedding if this guy gets drunk and doesn't remember your wedding? 

    I would be pissed if everyone else at the wedding had liquor and I was told that I could only have beer. I would wonder why you were even friends with me if my drinking bothered you that much. 

    ETA: this all happened at the after party so the bartender wasn't over serving people to the point of extreme intoxication. They were serving themselves (in case anyone was worried about liability). 
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  • LulawifeLulawife member
    Tenth Anniversary 100 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper
    I would not single out Sammy with the bartender. The venue bartenders should be instructed not to over serve guests regardless of who it is. I used to work for a popular wedding venue in my area and even if it was an open bar, guests were cut off if the bartenders and management staff felt they had enough to drink. You should have that discussion with your venue/bartender, but don't single out Sammy. 
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  • sassyfrass2014sassyfrass2014 member
    100 Love Its 100 Comments Second Anniversary First Answer
    edited December 2014
    Ditto pp's, you shouldn't ask the bartender to make special rules for him, just cut people off who he can tell need to be cut off. That should be what the bartender does on his or her own. 

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  • badbnagdwaybadbnagdway member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    vikinganna87 said:

    We're having an open bar at our reception.  A good friend, let's call him Sammy, is a [functioning] alcoholic.  He went to his best friend's wedding a couple of weeks ago and when I asked how it was he just responded "I was f'n hammered all night, have no idea." 

    I'm wondering if I can instruct the bartender to only serve him beer, no hard liquor.  If this is the case, I'd probably tell Sammy in advance.  I think he would take it well; we're very honest with each other. 

    Is this rude?  Are there other ways to handle it? 

    The open bar is not consumption-based; we're paying a flat fee, so it's unrelated to cost.

    You know your relationship with Sammy better than I do, and maybe it is in Sammy's best interest to have an intervention with him. I'm not sure trying to get the bartender to only serve one particular guest beer is going to fix the problem (people can get just as drunk on beer as on hard liquor) and although it's coming from a good place it's kind of rude and potentially embarrassing for Sammy. It also is putting a lot of onus on a bartender to remember one particular person and what they need to serve that person. 

    The bartender at your venue should be trained not to over serve people. Perhaps have your coordinator talk to the bartender(s) and remind them that if people start to get messy, they need to be cut off. This is somewhat telling people what their job is but I think it's better than telling a friend how to be a guest. 
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  • theartistformerlyknownastheartistformerlyknownas member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers First Anniversary
    Someone who wants to get drunk will get drunk no matter what you try to do to stop them. Treating him like a second-class guest is not the way to stop this. If you don't want a drunken Sammy at your wedding, the only surefire way to prevent it is to not invite Sammy. People who really want to get drunk wouldn't be stopped by a dry wedding - he could bring a flask or get drunk ahead of time.

    All you can do is inform your bartenders that there may be problem drinkers, and insist that he not be overserved (yes it's the law anyway, but let's be honest - people get drunk at weddings all the time). Inform your venue staff that there's a problem and let them deal with it accordingly. When H's friend got smashed at our cocktail hour and puked in a potted plant before dinner was even over, they had him escorted off the premises before I even knew what was going on (he passed out in his car and his GF drove him home after dinner was over).
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  • vikinganna87vikinganna87 member
    Fifth Anniversary 250 Love Its 100 Comments First Answer

    I really appreciate the advice. 

    Good question, @tammy1001.  I need to think about this more.  He was my roommate for a while and I guess it just really depressed me how he could finish an entire bottle of whiskey in one night and be so far gone that he tried to use wool blankets to clean up his mess.  And remember nothing the next day.  But I either need to get together with my group of friends and stage an intervention or just let it be.

    I want people to get drunk and have a good time and shouldn't care if some people are really messy.  It's more for their sake that I don't want them to be the laughing stock of the wedding.  In my experience the ppl that get wasted at weddings and make fools of themselves are generally going through tough times.  When they realize how sloppy they were they feel horrible afterwards.

    You're all right, of course, I should just leave this to the professionals.  Make sure the wedding coordinator reinforces that the bartender not serve overly drunk ppl.

    Hopefully I'll be having such a good time myself not to care.

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  • kmmssgkmmssg mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    badbnagdway said:
    vikinganna87 said:

    We're having an open bar at our reception.  A good friend, let's call him Sammy, is a [functioning] alcoholic.  He went to his best friend's wedding a couple of weeks ago and when I asked how it was he just responded "I was f'n hammered all night, have no idea." 

    I'm wondering if I can instruct the bartender to only serve him beer, no hard liquor.  If this is the case, I'd probably tell Sammy in advance.  I think he would take it well; we're very honest with each other. 

    Is this rude?  Are there other ways to handle it? 

    The open bar is not consumption-based; we're paying a flat fee, so it's unrelated to cost.

    You know your relationship with Sammy better than I do, and maybe it is in Sammy's best interest to have an intervention with him. I'm not sure trying to get the bartender to only serve one particular guest beer is going to fix the problem (people can get just as drunk on beer as on hard liquor) and although it's coming from a good place it's kind of rude and potentially embarrassing for Sammy. It also is putting a lot of onus on a bartender to remember one particular person and what they need to serve that person. 

    The bartender at your venue should be trained not to over serve people. Perhaps have your coordinator talk to the bartender(s) and remind them that if people start to get messy, they need to be cut off. This is somewhat telling people what their job is but I think it's better than telling a friend how to be a guest. 


    I agree with the bolded.  My family is rife with alcoholics and addicts. You said, "I think he would take it well; we're very honest with each other."  Talk to him about his drinking problem and that you are worried about him.  Don't talk to him about a 5 hour block of time (your reception).

    I think it is fine to point him out to the bartenders. He gets what everyone else gets to drink, but if I were a bartender I wouldn't mind the heads up.

    Do trust your bartenders.  At DD's wedding one of her best friends came to  her wedding without his partner (partner couldn't travel that weekend).  He buddied up with the old crowd and met the husband of one of them.  They hit it off and decided they were going to be a "couple" for the rest of the night dancing together.  They were also drinking a LOT.  I heard from DD that he told her he thought the bartenders were homophobic because they were serving him weaker, smaller drinks.  DD said, No, you are drunk and they are cutting you down before they cut you off!"

    In all honesty though - speak to your friend about his drinking problem and his life, not the few hours your reception will last.

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  • JellyBean52513JellyBean52513 member
    Eighth Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments First Answer
    1. I'm forced to believe that people who think that only serving beer will limit drunkeness never went to college. Or they never went out in college.

    2. If you told me that I was specifically not allowed to have liquor because you're afraid I'll get too drunk, I'll probably just end up slamming back ALLLLLLLL the beers because you've made that my only option. In fact, one year for a New Year's Eve party, my SO asked me not to drink too much hard stuff or take too many shots because the year before I definitely went too hard with the shots lol. I decided to stick with wine for that night. Guess who still got shitfaced and started the new year with a colossal hangover? Me. My SO wasn't trying to be controlling or a jerk about it, he just reminded me that I got a little too party-happy and asked me to take it easy, which to him meant laying off any hard liquor. It didn't make a bit of difference, which of course was due to my own irresponsible drinking habits that night. The moral of the story is that people can get drunk off anything alcoholic. 
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  • southernbelle0915southernbelle0915 mod
    Moderator 10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary
    Hm yea..... If an alcoholic wants to get drunk and the only thing they're being served is beer, they're going to get drunk. And it'd be extremely rude to flag him as only allowed to drink beer. He'd probably get more drunk in spite of that.

    The most damage control you can really do is to hire security and toss him out if he gets to wasted. 
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  • tcnobletcnoble member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    Ditto PPs... if he wants to get blackout drunk, he will. Your bartenders know how to do their jobs (hopefully) and will cut him off when it's appropriate.

    I understand the concern - FI's biological mom is an alcoholic. He's lived with his step mom since he was 8 and considers her "mom", but still has a bare-minimum relationship with his biological mom. She's coming to the wedding, and I have major reservations about her behavior at the wedding. That being said, I've also refused to let our wedding be about babysitting her drunk ass. FILs and my parents are both aware of her status as an alcoholic, but we aren't going to hand the bartender a picture of her and say "this one right here. watch out." A great bartender should be comfortable cutting off ANY guest, not just a specified "problem" one.
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  • jenijoykjenijoyk member
    Tenth Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments First Answer
    I feel you, and I spent a lot of brain cells and cortisol stressing about this exact issue. We have some crazy drinkers in our circle. And in the end, it was fine. One guy fell in the fountain, another one doesn't remember anything past the cake cutting and kept going up to my extremely straightlaced mom and slobbering, "I'm so.....so.... happy to be.... here.... thank.... you." None of it ruined my mood a smidgeon. I also know that my DOC would handle it if anything got crazy and I wouldn't even hear about it. And I didn't. Until brunch the next morning when none of it mattered. It was all fine.
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  • thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    Even people who aren't alcoholics get shit faced at weddings. No one I know is an alcoholic, but it's actually a joke in DH's circle (it shouldn't be a joke, but it is) that "there's always one!"
    Meaning, years and years back, DH was the guy passed out in the bathroom at one person's wedding. A couple years ago, a woman was puking in the bathroom and then on the shuttle home from another wedding. At mine, one of my friends was staggering around and dirty dancing with her husband with her dress riding up. These are all people who are normally just social drinkers, but weddings bring out the celebratory over-indulgence and "there's always one" who will be "that guy/girl" who over-imbibes and kind of makes a fool of themselves.

    Short of having a dry wedding, there's no way to control this. Trust the bartenders, and those that are super duper concerned, hire security. 
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  • thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    lyndausvi said:
    thisismynickname said:
    Even people who aren't alcoholics get shit faced at weddings. No one I know is an alcoholic, but it's actually a joke in DH's circle (it shouldn't be a joke, but it is) that "there's always one!"
    Meaning, years and years back, DH was the guy passed out in the bathroom at one person's wedding. A couple years ago, a woman was puking in the bathroom and then on the shuttle home from another wedding. At mine, one of my friends was staggering around and dirty dancing with her husband with her dress riding up. These are all people who are normally just social drinkers, but weddings bring out the celebratory over-indulgence and "there's always one" who will be "that guy/girl" who over-imbibes and kind of makes a fool of themselves.

    Short of having a dry wedding, there's no way to control this. Trust the bartenders, and those that are super duper concerned, hire security. 
    At least in my experience the drunks tend not to be the drunkest people at a wedding.  Sometimes they are, but it's the parents who get a night out away from the kids.  They try to party like they use to back in the day. Only to find out those days are over.
    To the bolded: those are exactly my friends. 
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  • amelishaamelisha member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    If you've hired bartenders, then you have hired professionals who are subject to the alcohol laws in your jurisdiction, and that includes laws about over-serving. Just let them do their jobs. If you're especially concerned, you can let your event coordinator know that you're big into responsible liquor service, so you'd appreciate it if the bar staff is particularly cautious about following the law and not being afraid to slow or cease service if applicable.

    Don't single anyone out. Let the people who are paid to ensure alcohol is provided responsibly handle it. They will, because venues do NOT want to lose liquor licenses or pay huge fines. It's in their best interest not to overserve too.

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  • JellyBean52513JellyBean52513 member
    Eighth Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments First Answer
    thisismynickname said:
    lyndausvi said:
    thisismynickname said:
    Even people who aren't alcoholics get shit faced at weddings. No one I know is an alcoholic, but it's actually a joke in DH's circle (it shouldn't be a joke, but it is) that "there's always one!"
    Meaning, years and years back, DH was the guy passed out in the bathroom at one person's wedding. A couple years ago, a woman was puking in the bathroom and then on the shuttle home from another wedding. At mine, one of my friends was staggering around and dirty dancing with her husband with her dress riding up. These are all people who are normally just social drinkers, but weddings bring out the celebratory over-indulgence and "there's always one" who will be "that guy/girl" who over-imbibes and kind of makes a fool of themselves.

    Short of having a dry wedding, there's no way to control this. Trust the bartenders, and those that are super duper concerned, hire security. 
    At least in my experience the drunks tend not to be the drunkest people at a wedding.  Sometimes they are, but it's the parents who get a night out away from the kids.  They try to party like they use to back in the day. Only to find out those days are over.
    To the bolded: those are exactly my friends. 
    To the bolded: sadly, this was me a few weeks ago after I talked my SO and his best friend into going to a bar with me. All night I was all "I can handle myself, I went to college at the #1 party school in the country!" Only one of us spent the next day throwing up everywhere..... the one who went to the #1 party school in the country and graduated quite a few years ago. Those days are DEFINITELY over! 
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  • danamwdanamw member
    Third Anniversary 100 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper

    I used to know a guy who got shit-hammered on nothing but beer every chance he got. If he was cut off by a bartender, he got loud, belligerent and verbally abusive.

    Do have a chat with your bartender just to reassure yourself that your friend will be cut off before the worst happens. And that there are ways a drunk can get home, and not drive drunk. Have numbers of cab companies on hand.

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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    Sixth Anniversary 10 Comments Name Dropper 5 Love Its
    PrettyGirlLost said:

    A true alcoholic can get just as fucking hammered off of beer as they can liquor.

    Just trust your bar tenders to do their jobs and cut him off if he is too drunk to be served.

    Good advice.
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  • annakay511annakay511 member
    Seventh Anniversary 100 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    I really would not want my guests to be so drunk that they were falling down stairs and puking. That's to the point of being dangerous. Falling-down-puking-drunk is funny to frat boys, not to adults.
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  • wrigleyvillewrigleyville member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    annakay511 said:
    I really would not want my guests to be so drunk that they were falling down stairs and puking. That's to the point of being dangerous. Falling-down-puking-drunk is funny to frat boys, not to adults.
    Did you read the rest of the thread before commenting? This has been covered. It is the bartender's job to stop serving alcohol to someone who has obviously had one too many. You can't police your guests' every movement. They are adults and should be treated as such.
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  • slothiegalslothiegal member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    annakay511 said:
    I really would not want my guests to be so drunk that they were falling down stairs and puking. That's to the point of being dangerous. Falling-down-puking-drunk is funny to frat boys, not to adults.
    I'm pretty sure that's NO ONE wants "that guest".  But read the rest of the thread--it's incredibly offensive to micromanage adults' behavior.  Not to mention, if my younger years are any example, if someone wants to get drunk....they WILL find a way to get drunk.  Trust.
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