parent resentment/vent
To give some background:
Me and my H met when I was going to school near my hometown and he lived 45 minutes away near his full-time job. We mainly took turns driving back and forth, one weekend I would drive up to him the next he would drive down to me. Sometimes one of us would drive more depending on schedules. About a year into dating my H decided to look for a house. At this point we were talking about marriage/our future. We decided to look for a house up by his work because he is locked into a career there and I would look for a job near that area (which is close to a major city) upon graduation.
Fast forward a couple years, I graduated, moved in with him and we got engaged. I know have a job in a suburb (about 30 minutes from our house and 30 minutes from my parents/hometown). When we started planning the wedding I looked in our general area and wound up loving a venue about 15 minutes from our house and 30 minutes from my hometown. We got married and are now thinking about TTC in the not too distant future.
That brings me to my parents. They recently started commenting/little digs about the fact that I moved away. They think that the wedding should have taken place in my hometown, as I was the bride and “traditionally the wedding takes place in the brides hometown” They also expressed that they never understood why I was “constantly driving up there” when we were dating. As he was the guy he should have been driving down to me to “pick me up for dates”.
Lastly, since I have moved 45 minutes away they have only come up to visit a handful of times. Maybe once to my 4 or 5 times.
I can’t help but get upset when I think about the future once I have kids and will be a little less willing to make the drive all the time. My parents are both in good health, have cars and and are in a stable financial situation (so those aren’t reasons they aren’t driving to me)
I really just think they are resentful that I didn’t remain in my hometown. In their eyes I should have moved less than 10 minutes from them so what if my H has an hour commute.
Me and my Mom just had a fight this weekend because she cancelled a date we had to make cookies at my house after she hadn’t been there in over 3 months (though I’ve been down to see her several times) because she was too tired.
I’m not sure what the point of my post is I guess I just wanted to vent/see if I was being unreasonable.
Re: parent resentment/vent
phira I know it's subjective but my parents will drive 30-40 minutes to go to some restaurants/shopping plazas. My Mom does feel less comfortable driving at night, but I try to plan things during the day/ have a guest bedroom that she knows she is welcome to use if she wants to drive home in the morning
I do sympathize with her and I hope the more she makes the drive the more comfortable she"ll feel (the easiest way is to take the turnpike). I know she drives to some of my aunts and Uncles houses using the highway but doesn't mind because she is so familiar with the drive.
southernbelle0915 I put my Husband and our future family first, while I typically don't let my parents "get to me" This time just particularly hurt. Thanks for the hugs!
NYCMercedes They are currently about 15 minutes away from their childhood homes but they moved out of state when they were newly married. However they have somewhat estranged relationships with their parents.
It doesn't help that my older brother only moved 10-15 minutes away.
My H made a point that once we do have kids(and my parents are soooo excited to have grandkids, They do not have any yet) My parents might realize they need to step up a little more if they want to see them as often as they'd like,
I currently live 5 hours away and make the drive to see them often; my parents rarely come to see me. My wedding is here in Pittsburgh and they made a HUGE deal about how far away it is, why wouldn't we get married in my hometown blah blah.
Can't wait to tell her our next move is probably for FI's job in Houston, TX.
Some families stay close, mom lives next door, kids see their grandparents daily. Some families are all over the country. I think your mom should relax and realize she can see you on any given day if she chooses.
My family doesn't like it. I've now been here close to three years and the only time they've come to visit was for the wedding which was held in a location close to our home (but I suppose if they were going to pick when to visit I'd prefer it be for the wedding vs. a stop in and say hi visit ;-) )
All of that to say - you aren't alone. Your parents probably aren't going to change regardless of how hurtful it is that you can/do drop everything to visit them and they seem unwilling to do the same. I too would say cut them some slack as they are getting older and travel may not be easy on them (regardless of how long or short of a trip it is). But you need to focus on your marriage and TTC when you are ready and try not to take any of the digs to heart. You are living your life.
I roll my eyes so hard at those ppl, lol!
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
Yup, totally frustrating. I feel for you. But I wouldn't even be a little surprised if their tune changes when you do end up having kids. Grandbabies are a powerful motivator!
I moved nine hours (driving) away from my family, and my husband and I now live 13 hours away. It sucks, but thankfully my family (immediate, anyway) has never complained about it unless we're doing mutual complaining. Extended family, however, moans about it every time we talk. And they've NEVER come to visit. Looking forward to the conversation where we tell them that we're moving to the other side of the country!
I also got a bit of the 'bride's hometown' stuff - but that got shut down fairly quickly: my FIL has no kidneys and does dialysis for four hours a day, three times a week. Ain't no way I'm making him travel two provinces over for a wedding. You're in perfect health - you can drive.
I had that feeling a little bit after my parents left for AZ from IL about 10 years ago. I graduated in May, my dad moved in July, and my mom was down there by Thanksgiving the same year. They kept asking for a while when I was going to come down. Well, I am a poor, entry-level worker who can't even afford an apartment, AND you're the one who moved 1700 miles away, so if you want to see me, then you can come up here.
DH moved to Dallas for his job. Well, my parents house is close to his job, and we accepted a generous offer from my parents to live there while our house was being built. Our new house is even closer to his job. MIL was upset that we didn't rent an apartment inbetween my parents and them, that we were choosing my family and excluding his and removing them from our life. She was dramatic and whiney! But we had to reiterate to her the logic behind our choice in location (and besides, even if she DID have the room to have us stay with her, it adds another 45 minutes to DHs commute. F that shit).
As for commuting, you might have to make plans to visit her at least once a month. (DH visits his mom every other weekend, and I come if I'm off). You have to help her believe that you moved far away because of logic not because you don't love her.
"Mom, if you're truly unhappy with how much you get to see us, you can always visit. If you want us to always be the ones to travel, that's fine, but you have to accept how often we can and do choose to make that trip. This is where we live, because that's what's best for our family."
- H, hopefully preempting whining about how MIL wishes she could see her future grandbabies as much as the current ones.