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Destination Wedding(s) Conflict...

finallyfinalefinallyfinale member
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in Wedding Etiquette Forum
I've been with my guy for a year now. Because of where we live and busy work schedules, he's never met any of my family outside of my mother and closer relatives only know of him. We shopped and I picked out a ring back in July so clearly I've been waiting like hell for that ring so I could initiate the planning:)... So anyhow, I just got engaged, like YESTERDAY. We are going to a justice of the peace to marry in the next few weeks.

Months back, in a discussion we agreed to elope here in the states (NY) and have a traditional ceremony in his native country (in Africa) 2-3 months after, pay for immediate family to attend and inform all others (with the assumption only those who could afford would make it). Because of these things, I'd planned to have a huge, semi formal post marriage celebration in my hometown (GA) to introduce him to my family and friends sometime in Aug/Sep 2015.

So here's the gist of the problem. This past Sept. my cousin got engaged, I received the STD a couple weeks back for a destination wedding in June. My guy had no idea about her proposal by the way and I was assuming her wedding would be local. So it hadn't occurred to me until now that her plans may offset mine.

Even as I write this post I have yet to send out the obligatory 'I'm engaged!' mass text. Only my mom and brothers know and they feel I should do whatever I planned and let things occur as they will. I don't want to 
A. overshadow my cousins big day by just showing up wearing a ring and we're already hitched and they are just meeting him, etc. 
B. downplay MY big announcement/plans in anyway 
C. Plan another large event that people may be too broke to travel to since the majority seemed to be planning to attend her wedding or 
D. Hold off a party to celebrate our marriage that's so far away from the actual date it took place (i.e. new years or christmas time 2015, that's almost a year out). 

I think there are just too many components but feel its compromising too much to change what I want/had planned. Am I overthinking this? What should I do? I need to ANNOUNCE it already I just don't want to create animosity or step on any toes. Thanks.


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Re: Destination Wedding(s) Conflict...

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    AlexisA01AlexisA01 member
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    southernbelle0915 said:
    I've been with my guy for a year now. Because of where we live and busy work schedules, he's never met any of my family outside of my mother and closer relatives only know of him. We shopped and I picked out a ring back in July so clearly I've been waiting like hell for that ring so I could initiate the planning:)... So anyhow, I just got engaged, like YESTERDAY. We are going to a justice of the peace to marry in the next few weeks.

    Months back, in a discussion we agreed to elope here in the states (NY) and have a traditional ceremony in his native country (in Africa) 2-3 months after, pay for immediate family to attend and inform all others (with the assumption only those who could afford would make it). Because of these things, I'd planned to have a huge, semi formal post marriage celebration in my hometown (GA) to introduce him to my family and friends sometime in Aug/Sep 2015.

    So here's the gist of the problem. This past Sept. my cousin got engaged, I received the STD a couple weeks back for a destination wedding in June. My guy had no idea about her proposal by the way and I was assuming her wedding would be local. So it hadn't occurred to me until now that her plans may offset mine.

    Even as I write this post I have yet to send out the obligatory 'I'm engaged!' mass text. Only my mom and brothers know and they feel I should do whatever I planned and let things occur as they will. I don't want to 
    A. overshadow my cousins big day by just showing up wearing a ring and we're already hitched and they are just meeting him, etc. 
    B. downplay MY big announcement/plans in anyway 
    C. Plan another large event that people may be too broke to travel to since the majority seemed to be planning to attend her wedding or 
    D. Hold off a party to celebrate our marriage that's so far away from the actual date it took place (i.e. new years or christmas time 2015, that's almost a year out). 

    I think there are just too many components but feel its compromising too much to change what I want/had planned. Am I overthinking this? What should I do? I need to ANNOUNCE it already I just don't want to create animosity or step on any toes. Thanks.


    Congratulations!!! Whenever you get married is your wedding. Whether that's the JOP, Africa or Georgia. You can't have 3 weddings without getting divorced in between them. Its against etiquette to have multiple events where you're not actually getting married and calling it a "wedding". I think you should forget about your cousin for a minute and focus on you and your new FI. What do you two want? Where do you want to get married? Choose that location and forget the other two.
    The African ceremony is more of a religious/ceremonial/cultural thing. It is a norm to do so and have some sort of event back home in his country. 
    For a friend's Kenyan wedding, they were partaking in a traditional Kenyan ceremony since her family is from over there. 

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    JCbride2015JCbride2015 member
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    Why are you having so many different events?  I honestly don't see the point in having your actual wedding in the States, then traveling to Africa for a non-wedding ceremony, then back to GA for a non-wedding party.  It sounds really exhausting and like a nightmare to plan.  Wouldn't it be simpler to have your wedding and the party on the same day in the same place?  I'm sure part of the reason is to try to celebrate with as many people as possible, but reality is that no couple has every single important person at their wedding.  You might be better off taking a vacation to your Fi's home country after the wedding rather than trying to make it a destination party and ask others to travel, worry about hosting something, etc.

    I understand you'll be sending wedding announcements soon after the actual wedding occurs, so it's good you're not considering lying or hiding your marriage.  You would hurt a lot of feelings that way.  But I will tell you, I would not travel farther than a few hours' drive for a post-wedding celebration and I certainly wouldn't fly to Africa for one.  
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    bethsmilesbethsmiles member
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    Why on earth are you planning so many parties? Choose one place and one date and get married. There is no reason you need to have three different events just for you to get hitched.


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    CMGragainCMGragain member
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    edited December 2014
    finallyfinale said:
    I've been with my guy for a year now. Because of where we live and busy work schedules, he's never met any of my family outside of my mother and closer relatives only know of him. We shopped and I picked out a ring back in July so clearly I've been waiting like hell for that ring so I could initiate the planning:)... So anyhow, I just got engaged, like YESTERDAY. We are going to a justice of the peace to marry in the next few weeks.

    Months back, in a discussion we agreed to elope here in the states (NY) and have a traditional ceremony in his native country (in Africa) 2-3 months after, pay for immediate family to attend and inform all others (with the assumption only those who could afford would make it). Because of these things, I'd planned to have a huge, semi formal post marriage celebration in my hometown (GA) to introduce him to my family and friends sometime in Aug/Sep 2015.

    So here's the gist of the problem. This past Sept. my cousin got engaged, I received the STD a couple weeks back for a destination wedding in June. My guy had no idea about her proposal by the way and I was assuming her wedding would be local. So it hadn't occurred to me until now that her plans may offset mine.

    Even as I write this post I have yet to send out the obligatory 'I'm engaged!' mass text. Only my mom and brothers know and they feel I should do whatever I planned and let things occur as they will. I don't want to 
    A. overshadow my cousins big day by just showing up wearing a ring and we're already hitched and they are just meeting him, etc. 
    B. downplay MY big announcement/plans in anyway 
    C. Plan another large event that people may be too broke to travel to since the majority seemed to be planning to attend her wedding or 
    D. Hold off a party to celebrate our marriage that's so far away from the actual date it took place (i.e. new years or christmas time 2015, that's almost a year out). 

    I think there are just too many components but feel its compromising too much to change what I want/had planned. Am I overthinking this? What should I do? I need to ANNOUNCE it already I just don't want to create animosity or step on any toes. Thanks.


    You announce an engagement either in the newspaper, or with personal, individual notes to family members.  You do not send out printed engagement announcements.  That is considered to be rude and gift-grabby.

    If you are planning to marry very soon, just wait and send out marriage announcements after your ceremony.  That will inform everyone that you are legally married, and it will not overshadow his cousin's wedding.

    I can't speak for African marriage customs, but in the USA, you only get one wedding.  You can have a celebration in Africa, or back home, but you will already be married.
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    [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    Also remember that your post-wedding, US-based celebration, should not include any traditional wedding elements - no dress, first dance, cake, etc - since you are already married.  There is a helpful thread about PPD up above.
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    twitterbirdtwitterbird member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    I would go ahead with your plans and not worry about your cousin at all. Do what's best for you. Everyone will be happy for both of you and nobody is stealing anybody's thunder.

    Have the events you want. You're not lying or hiding anything. Just make sure the US party afterwards is free of any wedding trappings and is just a party. I can't speak to the African ceremony as I'm not familiar with the culture.
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    poodledoodleooopoodledoodleooo member
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    I think some of these previous posters are a little too caught up in the "it's in the etiquette rule book, so there!" kind of thinking. I'm assuming your planning on doing the GA party because that is where most of your relatives are from - correct? And asking them to fly to NY for a civil ceremony seems a bit inconvenient? If that's the case, then I say go ahead and plan all your parties/celebrations. As long as you aren't lying about it and aren't having some cheesy ceremony reenactment, I wouldn't be offended.

    For perspective: I once went to 8 weddings within the span of 4 months. Two were "destination" weddings. NONE of the weddings "overshadowed" each other. There was no thunder stealing or any of that. Each celebration is unique because it is about that couple on that day, so I wouldn't worry about it! Chances are, not many U.S. folks will make the effort to go to the Africa ceremony.
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    KatWAGKatWAG member
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    edited December 2014
    finallyfinale said:
    I've been with my guy for a year now. Because of where we live and busy work schedules, he's never met any of my family outside of my mother and closer relatives only know of him. We shopped and I picked out a ring back in July so clearly I've been waiting like hell for that ring so I could initiate the planning:)... So anyhow, I just got engaged, like YESTERDAY. We are going to a justice of the peace to marry in the next few weeks.

    Months back, in a discussion we agreed to elope here in the states (NY) and have a traditional ceremony in his native country (in Africa) 2-3 months after, pay for immediate family to attend and inform all others (with the assumption only those who could afford would make it). Because of these things, I'd planned to have a huge, semi formal post marriage celebration in my hometown (GA) to introduce him to my family and friends sometime in Aug/Sep 2015.

    So here's the gist of the problem. This past Sept. my cousin got engaged, I received the STD a couple weeks back for a destination wedding in June. My guy had no idea about her proposal by the way and I was assuming her wedding would be local. So it hadn't occurred to me until now that her plans may offset mine.

    Even as I write this post I have yet to send out the obligatory 'I'm engaged!' mass text. Only my mom and brothers know and they feel I should do whatever I planned and let things occur as they will. I don't want to 
    A. overshadow my cousins big day by just showing up wearing a ring and we're already hitched and they are just meeting him, etc. 
    B. downplay MY big announcement/plans in anyway 
    C. Plan another large event that people may be too broke to travel to since the majority seemed to be planning to attend her wedding or 
    D. Hold off a party to celebrate our marriage that's so far away from the actual date it took place (i.e. new years or christmas time 2015, that's almost a year out). 

    I think there are just too many components but feel its compromising too much to change what I want/had planned. Am I overthinking this? What should I do? I need to ANNOUNCE it already I just don't want to create animosity or step on any toes. Thanks.


    Others have covered how AW 3 weddings will be.

    To the bolded: Please dont show up at your cousins wedding waving your rings around shouting "we are married!!!!" Tell your family before hand. And then let your cousins wedding be about her.

    ETA: I just noticed option C. Plesae do NOT plan another party. I think 3 will suffiently cover it.

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    poodledoodleooopoodledoodleooo member
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    southernbelle0915 said:
    sjf2715 said:
    I think some of these previous posters are a little too caught up in the "it's in the etiquette rule book, so there!" kind of thinking. I'm assuming your planning on doing the GA party because that is where most of your relatives are from - correct? And asking them to fly to NY for a civil ceremony seems a bit inconvenient? If that's the case, then I say go ahead and plan all your parties/celebrations. As long as you aren't lying about it and aren't having some cheesy ceremony reenactment, I wouldn't be offended.

    For perspective: I once went to 8 weddings within the span of 4 months. Two were "destination" weddings. NONE of the weddings "overshadowed" each other. There was no thunder stealing or any of that. Each celebration is unique because it is about that couple on that day, so I wouldn't worry about it! Chances are, not many U.S. folks will make the effort to go to the Africa ceremony.
    To the bolded: Well, this is the etiquette board, so.....
    Well of course, but I wasn't aware there was one single hard-outlined rule book that was absolute etiquette law. If there is one, can you let me know where I can find it?
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    southernbelle0915southernbelle0915 mod
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    sjf2715 said:
    southernbelle0915 said:
    sjf2715 said:
    I think some of these previous posters are a little too caught up in the "it's in the etiquette rule book, so there!" kind of thinking. I'm assuming your planning on doing the GA party because that is where most of your relatives are from - correct? And asking them to fly to NY for a civil ceremony seems a bit inconvenient? If that's the case, then I say go ahead and plan all your parties/celebrations. As long as you aren't lying about it and aren't having some cheesy ceremony reenactment, I wouldn't be offended.

    For perspective: I once went to 8 weddings within the span of 4 months. Two were "destination" weddings. NONE of the weddings "overshadowed" each other. There was no thunder stealing or any of that. Each celebration is unique because it is about that couple on that day, so I wouldn't worry about it! Chances are, not many U.S. folks will make the effort to go to the Africa ceremony.
    To the bolded: Well, this is the etiquette board, so.....
    Well of course, but I wasn't aware there was one single hard-outlined rule book that was absolute etiquette law. If there is one, can you let me know where I can find it?
    Sure - try reading Emily Post (not the new stuff - her grandkids are pretty much ruining her name) and Miss Manners' books, articles, etc. Lurking here is also good if you want advice on specific topics.
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    princessleia22princessleia22 member
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    I wouldn't worry about it too much.  I had a destination wedding in June and only immediate family was able to attend (others were invited, but couldn't afford it).  Most of my extended family met my husband for the first time at my sister's wedding in August, 2 months after my wedding, and it was fine.  We had originally planned to have a BBQ party in August so everyone that couldn't go to our wedding could meet him, but after my sister got engaged and scheduled her wedding in August, we decided to scrap that idea.  Yes, we did get some attention during her wedding, with introductions & congratulations, but not to the point that it overshadowed her wedding or caused any problems. 

    So, I'd say keep your plans. Send out announcements after your JOP wedding, so people aren't surprised about you being married.  Let people meet him for first time at cousins wedding... it shouldn't take away from her day. And you can still have a get together in Aug/Sept, which would create a better opportunity for people to get to know him better. 

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    mollybarker11mollybarker11 member
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    finallyfinale said:
    I don't want to 
    A. overshadow my cousins big day by just showing up wearing a ring and we're already hitched and they are just meeting him, etc. 
    B. downplay MY big announcement/plans in anyway 
    C. Plan another large event that people may be too broke to travel to since the majority seemed to be planning to attend her wedding or 
    D. Hold off a party to celebrate our marriage that's so far away from the actual date it took place (i.e. new years or christmas time 2015, that's almost a year out). 

    I think there are just too many components but feel its compromising too much to change what I want/had planned. Am I overthinking this? What should I do? I need to ANNOUNCE it already I just don't want to create animosity or step on any toes. Thanks.
    A. I'm sure your guy is terrific, but it's extremely unlikely that meeting him will distract guests from your cousin's wedding. Don't worry about it!
    B. Announcing your engagement now / marriage in a few weeks will not overshadow your cousin's engagement. It's been months, people are over it already haha. See @CMGragain's post on how to handle these.
    C. You are right, not many people would fly to both Africa and whatever other destination in the same year. I agree with @rooz103's suggestions here. Think of the trip to Africa as a honeymoon / celebration with his family and religious blessing. No need to invite your relatives along.
    D. As @princessleia22 indicated, it'd seem strange to throw a get-together meant to introduce your husband if everyone already met him at your cousin's wedding. I would plan to host that party in Georgia shortly after you get married.

    And just to clarify: you aren't inviting anyone to your wedding in NY, right?
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    finallyfinalefinallyfinale member
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    Thanks for the insight. After some careful thinking I am going to go ahead with my plans. I just want to make sure everyone is given the opportunity to celebrate with us yet I'd like to keep our actual wedding moment private and intimate.
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    finallyfinalefinallyfinale member
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    And yes, I'm assuming everyone will meet him at the cousin's destination wedding so that makes a lot of sense to just have a casual party in GA shortly after our wedding.
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