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Jack and Jill party?

[Deleted User][Deleted User] member
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in Pre-wedding Parties
So my FI and I are getting married in October 2015 and we were talking to one of his sisters yesterday about the planning process. FI mentioned (and has mentioned before) that he thinks we should have a J&J rather than a traditional bridal shower because 1) we already live together and don't really need any gifts, 2) we don't like the "girls only" idea of a bridal shower, and 3) we're paying for the wedding ourselves and raising a little money would be helpful. Maybe I just don't really understand what a J&J is (I've never been to one!), but I'm not sure how I feel about essentially fundraising for our wedding... am I missing something here? His sister loves the idea and actually had one herself. What are your thoughts on a J&J? 
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Re: Jack and Jill party?

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    [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
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    Maggie0829 said:
    rusticbride27 said:
    So my FI and I are getting married in October 2015 and we were talking to one of his sisters yesterday about the planning process. FI mentioned (and has mentioned before) that he thinks we should have a J&J rather than a traditional bridal shower because 1) we already live together and don't really need any gifts, 2) we don't like the "girls only" idea of a bridal shower, and 3) we're paying for the wedding ourselves and raising a little money would be helpful. Maybe I just don't really understand what a J&J is (I've never been to one!), but I'm not sure how I feel about essentially fundraising for our wedding... am I missing something here? His sister loves the idea and actually had one herself. What are your thoughts on a J&J? 
    So you basically want to throw a fundraiser to get money to pay for your weddings?  Yeah, that isn't cool.

    Having a co-ed shower is fine, but actually planning and throwing a party where the sole purpose is to raise money for your weddings is tacky as all hell.
    Yeah I guess that's kind of how I'm feeling, too... charging our friends and family for tickets to come to a party for the sole purpose of raising money for a bigger party... mehh. Not really my style. My FI is a great man and "greedy" is NOT a word I would use to describe him... I just don't think he's seeing it this way. I guess the way I see it is like this: we picked a date and decided we could save enough money within that time. So, why should we fundraise? I mean, it would be nice to have some extra money to apply towards a house or our honeymoon or whatever, but I feel really uncomfortable asking for that. I guess if people want to give us money, that's really nice! But I feel gross asking for it. Thanks for your input, @maggie0829!
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    [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
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    AddieCake said:
    Different people have different definitions of the term "Jack and Jill." A Jack and Jill as a coed shower is fine. A Jack and Jill as a fundraiser is socially acceptable in some circles but generally viewed here as tacky as fuck.
    Yeah, from my understanding, what his sister and her husband had was a fundraiser with dancing/drinks. That's not my style or my FI's style at all, so I'm not really sure how we would benefit from having one. I'd much rather just have a very casual co-ed shower, but I'm not even sure what THAT would look like, because as I said, we don't really need anything at this time. Thanks for your input, @addiecake!
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    climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
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    AddieCake said:
    Different people have different definitions of the term "Jack and Jill." A Jack and Jill as a coed shower is fine. A Jack and Jill as a fundraiser is socially acceptable in some circles but generally viewed here as tacky as fuck.
    Yes. This. If you need money for your wedding, you and your FI save up your own money. You don't hit up your guests with a fundraiser. That's gross! 
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    [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
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    edited December 2014
    ClimbingBrideNY said:
    AddieCake said:
    Different people have different definitions of the term "Jack and Jill." A Jack and Jill as a coed shower is fine. A Jack and Jill as a fundraiser is socially acceptable in some circles but generally viewed here as tacky as fuck.
    Yes. This. If you need money for your wedding, you and your FI save up your own money. You don't hit up your guests with a fundraiser. That's gross! 
    Agreed!! Thanks for your input, @climbingbrideNY. Now I just have to figure out how to talk to FI about this without making anyone feel greedy! lol 

    -edit- I suppose a simple "I don't feel comfortable asking our wedding guests to help fund our wedding," will do! He's a rational man, I'm sure he'll understand when he sees it from this perspective. His only experience with a J&J was his sister's party, so he probably just saw it as a way to help his sister out and not as a tacky fundraiser.
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    southernbelle0915southernbelle0915 mod
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    Yea, ditto everyone else and so glad you're not doing this.

    Fundraisers for charities are one thing, but fundraisers weddings are really tacky. No one wants to be panhandled so a couple can throw a party. 
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    [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
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    Thanks @southernbelle0915! Really glad I'm not alone in feeling this way. 
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    lovegood90lovegood90 member
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    edited December 2014

    Yeah, agree with everyone else. You shouldn't be asking for anyone to pay for your wedding.

    Bride and Groom are responsible for paying for their wedding and hosting any guests. Fundraisers are for charities, not weddings. Tons of brides here have great advice on how to plan a wedding on a budget :)

    If you're having a Jack and Jill shower in the sense that it's just a co-ed shower where gifts are given, that's fine. But a Jack and Jill used as a fundraiser isn't appropriate.

    One last point, you shouldn't be hosting your own shower (it was unclear from your post who is hosting this). If someone offers to host one for you, great, but it's not the end of the world if you don't have one.

    ETA: Glad you agree with us!

    Formerly martha1818

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    [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
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    @lovegood90 Yeah, we are definitely not hosting our own shower--that would make me feel just as uncomfortable as asking people for money! lol. Thanks for your input! :)
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    artbyallieartbyallie mod
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    A shower is still always a gift-giving occasion (because you 'shower' the honoree with gifts) so if you don't want them, you should decline a shower anyway.
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    slothiegalslothiegal member
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    Knottie09916721 said:
     It would be nice to have some extra money to apply towards a house or our honeymoon instead of a luxury top wedding dress.
    It sure would be, wouldn't it?

    But you don't get to ask your guests for that money.
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    jenna8984jenna8984 member
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    My friend is having one and I have tried to talk her out of it. Her rational is not for raising money but she wants to have a laid back party where she can dress casual and dance and get wasted with her friends. Basically a second wedding but "fun" since she doesn't think the atmosphere at her wedding will be like that. She says you know it will be stuffy and there will be old people I'll have to spend time talking to, and it would be a shame to get too drunk on my wedding. So I want all of those things in another party. I'm like sooooo just have a house party like that without charging people. I don't get it at all.

                                                                     

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    southernbelle0915southernbelle0915 mod
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    jenna8984 said:

    My friend is having one and I have tried to talk her out of it. Her rational is not for raising money but she wants to have a laid back party where she can dress casual and dance and get wasted with her friends. Basically a second wedding but "fun" since she doesn't think the atmosphere at her wedding will be like that. She says you know it will be stuffy and there will be old people I'll have to spend time talking to, and it would be a shame to get too drunk on my wedding. So I want all of those things in another party. I'm like sooooo just have a house party like that without charging people. I don't get it at all.

    Yea, it sounds to me like she's full of shit. Otherwise she would host her own house party, like you said. 
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