Can I just say..(and a question)

Re: Can I just say..(and a question)

• rlavach member

  

  January 2012

  OK, so according to etiquette, a close family member isn't to throw you a party because it appears gift grabby. 

  
  

  Now, I'm in the same situation in that my MOH lives in NC and my BM lives in NJ with me. Thing is, both are dead broke. They have negative money. So, my mom has taken the reins and is throwing me a bridal shower, along with the help of one of her friends. Our circle isn't nearly that judgmental to look down upon that. Even if they did, we're not the type to care. WE know that this isn't our intention and no matter who was throwing it, gifts are never a requirement. They're gifts.

  
  

  So, if you honestly feel that this is going to go over really badly & aren't willing to take the heat, just forget about it. You could perhaps have your mom bring up the subject to your aunt by saying, 'oh, what a shame that my daughter's MOH lives too far away to throw her a shower. I wish she could have that experience' and see what she says. She may say, 'well then why don't you throw it!?!' in which case you now have no reason to fear that other's will look down upon it. Or, she may volunteer herself. Or she may stay silent, in which case the subject is dead. 

  
  

  Even if you don't have a shower, still register. People still may want to give you a gift for your wedding from the registry.

  
  

  Side note: I've never heard of bridal showers not being common in Dominican culture. I'm Cuban and ALL showers are huge co-ed affairs. There is a large Dominican community in northern NJ and I've been to plenty of bridal & baby showers. Interesting.

  

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• lynchaa

  

  January 2012

  That is funny, because I was just about to post how amazing this board is. I agree, other boards can be intimidating! Planning a wedding is stressful enough without hearing snide comments! This board is very supportive.
  
  About your bridal shower, since you're just inviting women from your family, I don't think it'll look strange. Maybe instead of a "shower" you could call it a "luncheon" or something. Or, have your mother ask her sister to co-host. Then it could be thrown by your mother & aunt. My sister-in-law is throwing a bridal brunch for my bridesmaids and the women cousins. No gifts, but as you said, that isn't the point. There are so many options!

  

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• cgyvhu member

  

  January 2012

  Yeah, everyone here is really nice. I don't think other boards are necessarily mean, but people are often very bluntwith internet strangers.  Glad you found a board to stick to that you feel comfortable on!
  
  It does come across as greedy if your mom throws it...she's basically throwing a gift giving event for her daughter, which looks gift grabby and is considered poor etiquette.  That said, people do it.  I'd think about who you are inviting and what they would think. From what you said, both you and your mom have reservations because you are concerned people in your crowd will think badly of it.  So given that, I'd skip it.
  

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• cgyvhu member

  

  January 2012

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_april-2012-weddings_can-just-sayand-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:05427f07-4ba2-44d6-9271-99a7af1ee5c0Discussion:3f052f48-8744-4540-8b47-7c06e9dfeeb9Post:924abf9a-9b17-438b-be2c-2f31fb0d6939">Re: Can I just say..(and a question)</a>:
  [QUOTE]So, my mom has taken the reins and is throwing me a bridal shower, along with the help of one of her friends. Our circle isn't nearly that judgmental to look down upon that. Even if they did, we're not the type to care. WE know that this isn't our intention and no matter who was throwing it,<strong> gifts are never a requirement</strong>. They're gifts.
  Posted by rlavach[/QUOTE]
  
  I have a slight disagreement with this.  Wedding gifts are never requried, but the purpose of a bridal shower is to "shower the bride with gifts."  If no one brings a gift, it would not really be a shower...gifts basically are expected at a shower.  Now, if you throw a different sort of event (luncheon, etc) the expectation of a gift wouldn't be there. 

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• bridalgal50 member

  

  January 2012

  I live in Central PA as well and have been to lots of showers....many of them hosted-or partially hosted- by the MOB.  Big deal.  I know it is against ettiquite, but I really don't think anyone around here cares.  LOL
  
  We just had a shower for my DD last week.  Her MOH is actually her sister, who lives on the West Coast.  She planned the menu, purchased the paper goods, made and sent out the invitations.  I took care of booking the venue here in PA(paid by gparents) and all of the decor and I made the cake.  So long-distance planning can be done! 
  
  I say go ahead and host the event and make sure you have even the OOT MOH help in some way, even if she is unable to attend.  Hopefully your guests will be more interested in celebrating with you rather than worrying about 'broken rules'.

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• em01092 member

  

  January 2012

  I'm with the PPs that say it's tacky and gift grabby to have your mom host, but it does depend on the area and your circle. Some people are less offended by it than others, but I'm not a fan. Sure, bridal showers are traditional and a lot of brides receive them, but they are not a right. You don't automatically get one. There are many brides who do not have showers. Even if you don't have one, I bet a lot of people would bring you a gift to the actual wedding. 

  
  

  I love our board too, but I've gotten over the bluntness of the other boards. Yeah I thought it was a little much at first, and I still don't like a certain few posters because I feel like they just stay here to bully rather than be helpful, but they're just people on the internet giving an honest answer to a question you (general you) asked. I kind of like that they don't sugar coat things. And at the end of the day, no matter what they/we say, you're going to do whatever the F you want to do anyway. 

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• blgrout

  

  January 2012 edited January 2012

  It definitely takes some getting used to (the bluntness of other brides), but most of them don't mean any harm.  But we April 2012 knotties are a pretty mellow bunch. 
  
  It is against ettiquette, but the world won't end if you break ettiquette rules.  Given your situation, if it doesn't offend other people within your circle to have your mom throw your shower, then she should do it.   A shower is about gifts, but IMO it's also about celebrating your upcoming marriage, and gifts aren't required for that. What if you just had a bridal lunch instead?  That way it might not seem so gift grabby, and people who feel inclined may still bring gifts anyways.  IDK. 
  

  

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• rlavach member

  

  January 2012

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_april-2012-weddings_can-just-sayand-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:05427f07-4ba2-44d6-9271-99a7af1ee5c0Discussion:3f052f48-8744-4540-8b47-7c06e9dfeeb9Post:9e639d9d-39cc-4f79-ad61-cfae6a9a59aa">Re: Can I just say..(and a question)</a>:
  [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Can I just say..(and a question) : I have a slight disagreement with this.  Wedding gifts are never requried, but the purpose of a bridal shower is to "shower the bride with gifts."  If no one brings a gift, it would not really be a shower...gifts basically are expected at a shower.  Now, if you throw a different sort of event (luncheon, etc) the expectation of a gift wouldn't be there. 
  Posted by mdphd[/QUOTE]
  True, gifts are EXPECTED at a shower, but gifts are expected at a wedding too (at least in my neck of the woods). Luncheon's aren't common around here. I actually hadn't even heard of it until I came on TK. If I was invited to one, I'd assume it was a more formal bridal shower, minus the silly games, so I'd still bring a gift. <div>
  </div><div>EveryONE is different, every family, social unit & geographic area is different. Honestly, like the PP said, if the idea is making you hesitant enough to come on TK to ask, I might skip it. If someone throws it, great. If not, don't worry. You will most likely still get gifts/cash/checks at your wedding and can use that to purchase your registry items. I do understand wanting to have a shower, though. I was kind of bummed when I didn't think anyone was going to throw one for me. It's more about the experience than the gifts. I wanted to have that bonding moments with my girls. I was so happy to find out I will have one, fortunately.</div>

  

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• Honeybumble

  

  January 2012

  If you're feeling that it will go over badly, its OK not to have one. I agree with PPs who say to make it less of a "shower" and more of a get-together. My mom is also considering throwing me a shower, since my MOH has pretty much disappeared... Oh well. We'll see what happens!

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• cdbishop member

  

  January 2012

  I understand it may not be proper etiquette, but if I were invited to a shower thrown by a brides mother i wouldn't think too much off it and would be fine.  That being said, I agree that it depends on your guests.  Some people may be ok with it like me, or others might think it is rude. 
  
  PS Also agree that this is a great board! Some other ones pepole are extremely mean.

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• jebbica85

  

  January 2012

  Ive been to showers that were co hosted with the MOB but never hosted by the MOB alone, maybe theres an aunt your mom could ask to cohost the shower with??
  
  I agree with PP if you think it wont go over well its ok to not have a shower, and it you think its going to casue drama it may be easier too.
  
  GL

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• rardito member

  

  January 2012

  I think it is more accepted nowadays because a lot of women no longer live with their moms up until the wedding.  I believe I read that on the E board at one point...but I could have read it somewhere else.
  

  

  

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• em01092 member

  

  January 2012 edited January 2012

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_april-2012-weddings_can-just-sayand-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:05427f07-4ba2-44d6-9271-99a7af1ee5c0Discussion:3f052f48-8744-4540-8b47-7c06e9dfeeb9Post:6e214532-f128-4ecf-b37c-d4a6931c94f9">Re: Can I just say..(and a question)</a>:
  [QUOTE]<strong>I think it is more accepted nowadays because a lot of women no longer live with their moms up until the wedding.  I believe I read that on the E board at one point...but I could have read it somew</strong>here else.
  Posted by rardito[/QUOTE]<div>
  </div><div>I read that too, and I'm not going to like call any of my friends who do it out on it or anything, but if they ask my opinion or when it's brought up on here, I just feel the need to point out that some people feel it's tacky. </div><div>
  </div><div>My MOH wants to have my shower at my grandma (mom figure)'s house because it's a bigger home and in a good location better for guests than her college apartment with 2 roommates, and my gma is all concerned about it. She wants to be sure that my MOH's name will be on the invites and her return address, not my gma's. She wants nada to do with hosting other than offering up her space. 
  </div>

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• mybestfriend4eva

  

  January 2012

  There was actually a main post on the knot the other day talking about traditions and rules that no longer apply. One of those was that your mom cant throw your shower. According to the story I read on the knot its now not considered to be awful if your mother or someone in your family throws your shower for you. I think it also really depends on your guests and what they feel is proper. I know in my circle of family and friends it wouldnt be frowned upon. My shower is being hosted by my step mother and my best friend MOH. However my step mom is better at party planning so she is really behind the whole thing. Since they live in a different state than I do my MOH/ BF is going to be the main contact but only because my step mom is many states away. GL with all this and honestly when it comes to etiquette I feel that it is more important to take your family, friends, and styles into acount before referencing what every other person in the world thinks. Everyone will have different opinions no matter what the question or issue. So go with your gut and what you think is okay not what everyone else thinks. I know its nice to be proper but what is considered proper in NY might not be the same as in TX.

  
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• XxMari518xX

  

  January 2012

  I know you most likely won't get to this post since it's so far down but here are my two cents:
  
  *Did your fiance tell you a bridal shower isn't common in the Dominican culture? Because not only am I Cuban, but I have a few Dominican friends in which I have been to their bridal showers.
  
  * My mom and 2 MOH (which are also my sisters) are hosting the shower.  So its all immediate family.  I have not had any second thoughts about it or even second guessed it.  Plus my FSIL's bridal shower was also hosted by her parents AND this is super common here.
  
  BUT as all the other posts say ..  If your circle is ok with it .. then do it.  (But I would let FI's family know just in case its a miscommunication thing).

  

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• cgielow

  

  January 2012

  My mom is planning a shower for me because I grew up in a different area of the state from where I now live. Many of my family members who still live at home had expressed that it would be difficult for them to travel to where I am now both for a shower and the wedding. That being said, the only people invited to the shower are immediate family, and its not something that's a major concern to them. My grandma is co-hosting and footing the bill. I agree w/ PP's that you know your circle best. Two close family friends recently were married and had children and their mother hosted both their showers, and in our particular area, this isn't all that uncommon. HTH - hope that everything works out! 

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