Two ceremonies...not hosting everyone

Knottie92246619 · December 2014

How much of a breach of etiquette will my friend's wedding be?

1) She is having two ceremonies and two receptions. She and her fiance live 12 hours away from both of their families. They are planning on having a traditional Russian Orthodox wedding where the families are, and then another ceremony where they live currently. They will be marrying under the church at one ceremony, and then civilly at the other ceremony. Is this okay?

2) She is not sure how to deal with the church reception. At our church, everyone is invited to the ceremony. This is expected. However, my friend does not want to host all of those who are coming to the ceremony that she didn't really invite. There isn't a real way to stop them from coming, so what should she do? Prepare to host everyone, or only those invited? We have some church members who will be extremely offended if we try to turn them away from coming.

IrishPirate60 · December 2014

Cake and punch for everyone.

Liatris2010 · December 2014

Knottie92246619 said:

How much of a breach of etiquette will my friend's wedding be?

1) She is having two ceremonies and two receptions. She and her fiance live 12 hours away from both of their families. They are planning on having a traditional Russian Orthodox wedding where the families are, and then another ceremony where they live currently. They will be marrying under the church at one ceremony, and then civilly at the other ceremony. Is this okay?

2) She is not sure how to deal with the church reception. At our church, everyone is invited to the ceremony. This is expected. However, my friend does not want to host all of those who are coming to the ceremony that she didn't really invite. There isn't a real way to stop them from coming, so what should she do? Prepare to host everyone, or only those invited? We have some church members who will be extremely offended if we try to turn them away from coming.

1. Where in the world are you/your friends?
In the US a religious marriage ceremony is legally binding, so there is no need for two ceremonies. Since the bride and groom are already married before the second ceremony, calling this a wedding is lying, which is not okay. In other places religious ceremonies are not legally binding, so two are required, although my understanding is only one is for family & friends (the other is just the couple).

2. Anyone invited to the ceremony MUST be invited to the reception. Many churchs announce weddings in the bulletin. If people see the announcement and attend the wedding ceremony, they do not need to be invited to the reception.

mikenberger · December 2014

1. She won't be getting married twice. You only get married once. So either the religious ceremony will be the real deal or the civil ceremony. Provided, they're not getting married in Russia and it's just for the family to witness. Obviously this can still be the legal/binding ceremony with a marriage certificate signed, but whatever ceremony she chooses to have the marriage certificate signed, that's it. Married. It pretty much makes anything before it or after it for the appeasement of others.

2. If it's customary at her church that all members of the church are invited without having to be invited to the wedding, I would defer to the leader of your church and what they think. I would prepare to host everybody though. Especially if she knew this coming into the church. Are they church members or just having their ceremony there?

And friend sounds like a real gem.

OliveOilsMom · December 2014

1.) I would advise your friend to have 1 ceremony. Invite family and friends. They can all attend the ceremony and reception together. If many of the friends cannot attend, the B&G could have a marriage celebration with the friends at a later time, but they should skip any sort of ceremony at it. Just have the party. For a non-meal time reception, cake and punch are perfectly acceptable.

2.) All parishioners of a church are invited to witness a wedding if they choose to. They do not get a physical invitation as typically its published in the bulletin. None of those parishioners should be offended at not attending the reception since they are not invited to it. If your friend can have the reception somewhere other than the church hall, it will be hard for these crashing parishioners to know where to go for the reception.

Knottie92246619 · December 2014

Thanks for your responses. I really don't see her changing her mind about the two ceremonies because she wants to be able to celebrate in both states.

My friend went to this church for her entire life before moving to another state. She says it's important for her to get married there, but she also wants to get married in the state she is living in currently. I don't think it's right, but I can't convince her to do anything differently.

Now for the wedding at the church, the reception will most likely be held at a restaurant. So, obviously, the people she will be sending invitations will know to go to the restaurant following the ceremony. What about the people that just show up to the wedding with no invitation? Even if she wanted to host all of them, how could she, having absolutely no idea how many people would come?

mikenberger · December 2014

Knottie92246619 said:

Thanks for your responses. I really don't see her changing her mind about the two ceremonies because she wants to be able to celebrate in both states.

My friend went to this church for her entire life before moving to another state. She says it's important for her to get married there, but she also wants to get married in the state she is living in currently. I don't think it's right, but I can't convince her to do anything differently.

Now for the wedding at the church, the reception will most likely be held at a restaurant. So, obviously, the people she will be sending invitations will know to go to the restaurant following the ceremony. What about the people that just show up to the wedding with no invitation? Even if she wanted to host all of them, how could she, having absolutely no idea how many people would come?

If she went to the church for her entire life, she had to have known that this issue would come up (people uninvited to the wedding per church custom). I would say, she dug her own hole and she needs to live in it. It's not your problem. It's hers. If she isn't having the reception in the same space, I would think that extending the offer to the reception is not necessary since they're uninvited guests. How many people does she actually think are going to show up to the wedding uninvited?

Knottie92246619 · December 2014

mikenberger said:

Knottie92246619 said:

Thanks for your responses. I really don't see her changing her mind about the two ceremonies because she wants to be able to celebrate in both states.

My friend went to this church for her entire life before moving to another state. She says it's important for her to get married there, but she also wants to get married in the state she is living in currently. I don't think it's right, but I can't convince her to do anything differently.

Now for the wedding at the church, the reception will most likely be held at a restaurant. So, obviously, the people she will be sending invitations will know to go to the restaurant following the ceremony. What about the people that just show up to the wedding with no invitation? Even if she wanted to host all of them, how could she, having absolutely no idea how many people would come?

If she went to the church for her entire life, she had to have known that this issue would come up (people uninvited to the wedding per church custom). I would say, she dug her own hole and she needs to live in it. It's not your problem. It's hers. If she isn't having the reception in the same space, I would think that extending the offer to the reception is not necessary since they're uninvited guests. How many people does she actually think are going to show up to the wedding uninvited?

It could be close to 40 people.

banana468 · December 2014

Has she asked the church if they'll perform a marriage ceremony that isn't legally binding? Our RC Church told us that if we didn't supply a marriage license then we were SOL. Your friend needs to make sure that what she wants is even possible.

mikenberger · December 2014

Knottie92246619 said:

mikenberger said:

Knottie92246619 said:

Thanks for your responses. I really don't see her changing her mind about the two ceremonies because she wants to be able to celebrate in both states.

My friend went to this church for her entire life before moving to another state. She says it's important for her to get married there, but she also wants to get married in the state she is living in currently. I don't think it's right, but I can't convince her to do anything differently.

Now for the wedding at the church, the reception will most likely be held at a restaurant. So, obviously, the people she will be sending invitations will know to go to the restaurant following the ceremony. What about the people that just show up to the wedding with no invitation? Even if she wanted to host all of them, how could she, having absolutely no idea how many people would come?

If she went to the church for her entire life, she had to have known that this issue would come up (people uninvited to the wedding per church custom). I would say, she dug her own hole and she needs to live in it. It's not your problem. It's hers. If she isn't having the reception in the same space, I would think that extending the offer to the reception is not necessary since they're uninvited guests. How many people does she actually think are going to show up to the wedding uninvited?

It could be close to 40 people.

Fun. Well, I would say, if they show up because of a bulletin in the church program or they hear word of mouth about a wedding going on, they don't have to be extended an invite to the reception at another location. If the reception was in the same area, I could see that being a larger issue. Unless people are going to follow you to the reception... goodness.

Your friend has made herself quite the mess with wanting all the things that she wants. I would let her deal with it. And yes. She is putting a big middle finger in the air on etiquette. But y'know, when you make these adult choices, you need to deal with the adult consequences.

PrettyGirlLost · December 2014

mikenberger said:

Knottie92246619 said:

Thanks for your responses. I really don't see her changing her mind about the two ceremonies because she wants to be able to celebrate in both states.

My friend went to this church for her entire life before moving to another state. She says it's important for her to get married there, but she also wants to get married in the state she is living in currently. I don't think it's right, but I can't convince her to do anything differently.

Now for the wedding at the church, the reception will most likely be held at a restaurant. So, obviously, the people she will be sending invitations will know to go to the restaurant following the ceremony. What about the people that just show up to the wedding with no invitation? Even if she wanted to host all of them, how could she, having absolutely no idea how many people would come?

If she went to the church for her entire life, she had to have known that this issue would come up (people uninvited to the wedding per church custom). I would say, she dug her own hole and she needs to live in it. It's not your problem. It's hers. If she isn't having the reception in the same space, I would think that extending the offer to the reception is not necessary since they're uninvited guests. How many people does she actually think are going to show up to the wedding uninvited?

It's not that they are necessarily uninvited though.

I'm going to make a big assumption that Russian Orthodox masses are open to the public in the same way that Catholic masses are, and that means that all wedding masses are open to the public as well. No one needs to be invited to the wedding mass- any parishioner of the church may attend the mass whether you have formally invited them to attend or not.

However, that doesn't mean that all the rando parishioners who choose to come to your wedding mass need to be invited to your reception. Does this make sense?

You only need to invite people to your receptiopn whom you have formally invited to your ceremony via a mailed invitation.

short+sassy · December 2014

Like some of the other PPs, I'm a bit baffled that she thinks people from church...who she didn't invite to the wedding or reception...are all going to hop in cars and follow the invitees to the reception. Please tell me I am misunderstanding that, because it just sounds so bizarre, lol.

I'm making a lot of assumptions, so bear with me. At my church, members rotate providing dessert for after the normal church service, ie cookies, brownies, etc. If her wedding is going to be on the same day as a normal church service, which is what I am assuming since she is expecting all these drop-ins, AND it is a regular thing at her church to have little treats with coffee after the service...perhaps she could provide the dessert for that day. Like an inexpensive, but yummy sheet cake.

And yeah, not that two ceremonies is ever okay, but it is especially odd considering all the guests are basically within one state of each other anyway. I'm not even understanding the point. She should just enjoy we live in a country where religious/civil ceremonies can just be the same thing. Why is she making it harder? So weird. But I realize that is your friend OP, not you, so just repeat after me, "Not my monkeys, not my circus."

Jen4948 · December 2014

Sounds like your friend is digging a huge hole for herself. If she's marrying in the US, why would her first ceremony in that church not be enough? Why does she need a second ceremony? If it's to "include" people who won't travel out of state to the first ceremony, that's the wrong reason. If she really wants to "include" people who won't attend the first ceremony, why doesn't she host a "celebration" for them later? She will have to assume the costs of feeding them, but that's what a polite adult who cares about her guests does.

That said, she is not obligated to provide hospitality to congregation members she didn't actually invite at her own event afterwards. It would be polite to include them in a cake and punch reception for the congregation immediately after the service, but it would be rude of them to follow her to a private event for her and her FI after that and expect service if they weren't actually invited.

flantastic · December 2014

Knottie92246619 said:

Thanks for your responses. I really don't see her changing her mind about the two ceremonies because she wants to be able to celebrate in both states.

My friend went to this church for her entire life before moving to another state. She says it's important for her to get married there, but she also wants to get married in the state she is living in currently. I don't think it's right, but I can't convince her to do anything differently.

Now for the wedding at the church, the reception will most likely be held at a restaurant. So, obviously, the people she will be sending invitations will know to go to the restaurant following the ceremony. What about the people that just show up to the wedding with no invitation? Even if she wanted to host all of them, how could she, having absolutely no idea how many people would come?

It was important to both of us to be married in the church where I grew up - so we made that decision and dealt with the consequences of "not celebrating in the state where we live," whatever that means. I hope you're prepared to deal with more selfishness from her in the future, and I'm sorry if you do.

Even if the wedding ceremony is open to all members of the faith, everyone with common sense should know that only applies to the ceremony. I had a few church members show up to the ceremony, wish me well afterwards, and go home. I've done that myself. If the reception info isn't printed in the program, only those who received paper invites should have that information. Is she concerned about church members who are invited to the reception sharing that information?

short+sassy · December 2014

Hmmm...I just had another thought and a snarky moment.

Your friend sounds pretty "special snowflake". Is it possible she is assuming there will be upwards of 40 uninvited guests to the wedding ceremony because "Ooohhh...it's my childhood church....And oooooh...OF COURSE everyone wants to be part of my special day when they see it advertised on the church calendar/bulletin."

When, in reality, there will not be even one single uninvited person who will bother crashing the ceremony? Because, you know, that is how the world usually works. People don't attend weddings they are not invited to, even if it is in a public space. Maybe it is different in the Russian Orthodox community, but I attended a small friendly community church and this was not done.

AddieCake · December 2014

This one time, I wanted to go to a wedding in a park that everyone but me from my church was invited to.

Maggie0829 · December 2014

OP, is this your friend by any chance?

banana468 · December 2014

Also, assuming that she even CAN have a religious ceremony that isn't legally binding, the addition of the second one is probably going to offend well...everyone who attended the religious ceremony.

MGP · December 2014

short+sassy said:

Hmmm...I just had another thought and a snarky moment.
Your friend sounds pretty "special snowflake". Is it possible she is assuming there will be upwards of 40 uninvited guests to the wedding ceremony because "Ooohhh...it's my childhood church....And oooooh...OF COURSE everyone wants to be part of my special day when they see it advertised on the church calendar/bulletin."
When, in reality, there will not be even one single uninvited person who will bother crashing the ceremony? Because, you know, that is how the world usually works. People don't attend weddings they are not invited to, even if it is in a public space. Maybe it is different in the Russian Orthodox community, but I attended a small friendly community church and this was not done.

All of this, plus:

I also foresee multiple pre wedding parties and showers, some self hosted, inviting a whole other mess of people who weren't even invited to Ceremony #1 or Ceremony #2. With cash gift demands or a honeymoon registry.

This all sounds like a bunch of "I'm getting married, look at MEEEEEEEE" mentality. What a beatdown.

marie2785 · December 2014

I have relatives coming from 12-14 hrs away for my ceremony, and FI and I are paying for their hotel and flight so they can make it since we REALLY want them there. If its important enough for people to attend and you know they cant afford it, paying for their travel should be part of a couples wedding budget. Even if it wasn't an etiquette issue, paying for a few people to fly across the country is cheaper than paying for a full second reception. They should just do a bbq or something where they live. No dress, no registry, but just host a party if they want to involve friends from where they live. Otherwise they're being pretty rude.

Two ceremonies...not hosting everyone

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