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Covering Hotel Costs

kmbay84kmbay84 member
100 Love Its 100 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
edited December 2014 in Wedding Etiquette Forum

Hey wonderful Knotties,

I live in Minnesota and my wedding will be in Green Bay in Wisconsin, five hours away from where we live.  All of my aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents are there and my grandparents are too old to travel, especially my one grandma who cannot walk.  Most of the out of towners would be from this area and it would be a five hour drive.  A couple of my bridesmaids are flying in and I know that is a lot of money with hotel costs and everything else.  I am going to be buying the bridesmaid dresses for the ladies to help alleviate the cost somewhat and am also chipping in for those who want to get their hair done at the salon.  I am just going to tell them that they can wear any type of black dress shoes that they would like, including ones that they already own.  Though it would be awesome, I am not expecting either of my out of state bridesmaids to attend the bridal shower or bachelorette party.  If they want to, that's cool.  If they can't afford it, I completely understand and that is totally ok.  We are having a rehearsal dinner the night before our wedding at the hotel, which we obviously are going to take care of.  I just feel bad about their stay at the hotel Friday night.  I was going to tell them that if they want to stay at a cheaper hotel Friday night, or heck even Saturday night, that's cool too and we can just pick them up from their hotel.  

I really want to help some more out with costs for at least Friday night at the hotel.  My question from this long winded email is that do B & G's usually help out for that rehearsal night at the hotel?  I feel as though it would only be proper since a couple are flying in and we are asking them to stay in the area for the rehearsal that Friday night too, but I just don't think we have it in our budget.  Would it be weird to at least cover half of their Friday night stay?

I feel like I have probably crossed some etiquette boundaries, but I could just be paranoid.

Thanks a bunch!   


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Re: Covering Hotel Costs

  • AddieCakeAddieCake member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    It's not required of you to cover their hotel costs.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • allispainallispain member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    You're not required to cover their hotel costs - if it's in your budget and you choose to do so, it's a very nice gesture. However, it sounds as if it is not in budget, so I wouldn't worry about it.

    You're already paying for the dresses (which is not something brides need to do - again, nice gesture if you can afford it), and also for them to get their hair done (something brides should do if they're requiring a specific style of hair, but that again isn't required if they're not requiring a specific style get done professionally). I think you're being generous already.
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  • kmbay84kmbay84 member
    100 Love Its 100 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper

    Thanks @AddieCake and @ allispain!  I offered to cover a portion of their hair, but not all of it so that I could at least help out somewhat.  I also am not making them have a certain hair style or forcing them to get theirs done professionally.  However they want to wear their hair is perfectly good with me, whether doing it themselves or having it professionally done.  So, you would say that I am in the clear so far?

    Thanks again ladies!

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  • AddieCakeAddieCake member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    You are very much in the clear.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • SomethingBeautiful08SomethingBeautiful08 member
    Third Anniversary 100 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper
    Your wedding plans sound well within the realm of normal, i.e a rehursal the day before a wedding.  Attending the rehursal and the accompanying "extra" night at the hotel was probably something your WP planned on.  You are never required to cover hotel costs. I can be a nice thing to do if you think that is the only way they are going to be able to attend, but honestly you seem like you are being reasonable, so I wouldn't worry about it.
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  • kmbay84kmbay84 member
    100 Love Its 100 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    That's what I figured, but it helps hearing it from other knotties.  Thank you so much ladies!
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  • lyndausvilyndausvi mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    you are not required, but it's nice to do if you can.   I've been a BM at a few OOT weddings and had the hotels/accommodations picked up.  Sometimes it was a matter of me staying at one of the bride's local friend/family's home.  Or the bride's family had hotel points to use.  


    You could always give them a gift card to offset any expenses as they wish.   There is more to traveling then just hotel.  Traveling means eating out and other random stuff.   

    On that note, there is more to being in a wedding then just a dress.   Any help was appreciated by me.

    For my own wedding we did a mix of things.  We paid for the attire for all the guys. My parents paid for my nieces' dresses.  MIL paid for SILs attire.   Only my sister and BFF paid for their dresses, however both of them stayed for no cost at the beach rental.  DH's 2 friend GMs paid their own way for the hotel.

    We feed everyone who came down on Thursday (at home party).  Friday the boys paid for their own golf, but DH bought them lunch.   I took all the BMs who were in town Friday out to lunch (2 didn't come down to later that afternoon).   Friday night was the RD/welcome dinner which we paid for.   

    Our rental house was basically a 3-day open house.  Everyone came and went and there was plenty of food and drinks around for them to grab.    Even before golfing the GMs and other friends stopped by and had breakfast.

    I picked up the hair for my only non-family BM.  2 BM's did their own hair, my mom paid for my sister and nieces.   We had food available for lunch/snacking while getting ready.  Not sure what the boys did though.  Umm.

    I guess my point is, nothing is required, but if you have the funds I think it's really nice to help offset costs.  That can come in many different forms. And even different forms from person to person.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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  • kmbay84kmbay84 member
    100 Love Its 100 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper

    That's a good point @lyndausvi.  A gift card is a good idea.  I know it's expensive for out of towners, especially those flying in, which is why I want to help as much as possible, but also stay within our budget.  We are paying for the rehearsal dinner for everyone the night before the wedding and if they happen to come in early will take them out to lunch or something. 

    At the salon in the morning, I was planning on having breakfast snacks and juice for the ladies to munch on/drink and then order lunch for everyone when we get back to the hotel to finish preparations.  The next morning I was planning on having breakfast or brunch with those that want to or are still in the area and taking care of it.

    That rental house is a good idea.  I wish we could do something like that, but it's just not in our budget.

    Sounds like you did a great job of accommodating your guests @lyndausvi!

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  • lyndausvilyndausvi mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    I'm a firm believer of doing what you can WITHIN YOUR BUDGET.

    No need to go into debt, but I think it's a great thing to do what you can for those who are suppose to be your nearest and dearest. 






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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  • annakay511annakay511 member
    Seventh Anniversary 100 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    You are being really thoughtful to your bridal party, but its not required of you to cover their hotel costs. People realize that being in a wedding is expensive and will factor that in when you ask them to be a BM, especially those who realize they will need to pay to travel (including hotel stays). One thing you could consider... I was in a wedding that for the bride and BM was over an hour away. The bride really wanted to be surrounded by her friends the night before her big day. They paid for a large suite that had a bed/pullout for all the girls. That was back when none of the girls had boyfriends/fiances/husbands so there was no concern over what her date was going to do for the night. That might be an option for you. 

    I think it would be a nice gesture to pay for the breakfast/lunch the day of the wedding (having a spread for when you are all getting ready).

    Many of my BM are also from out of town and while no one will by flying in, they will also need to stay 2 nights at the hotel. While I would love to do it, its just not in our budget to cover the cost for all their hotel rooms (they're all married/engaged so its not like we could all just stay together in one suite, their SO would be coming too).

    Keep in mind that might mean they will not be able to afford to give you a wedding gift, their presence in your bridal party should be gift enough!
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  • kmbay84kmbay84 member
    100 Love Its 100 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper

    Thank you @annakay511!  The suite is a good idea for that Friday night, but a good number of the wedding party do have SOs.  It would be fun though.

    Yeah, that is what I plan to do for the breakfast/lunch the day of the wedding.

    I totally understand!  I would love to do it too, but like you said, it's not in our budget. 

    Yes, their presence is definitely gift enough!  I don't care about material gifts, just having them there will be present enough!  I would rather have them there than get me a wedding gift. 

    Thank you!

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  • lc07lc07 member
    Tenth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    You sound super kind and thoughtful, OP! I would not mandate where the wedding party lodges at all. They should already know they are welcome to stay anywhere they would like to so you don't need to tell them they can stay somewhere less expensive. They can choose a place within their budget. No one is required to use a room block that you set up or stay at the hotel the reception is taking place at (if it's taking place at one.) They also don't need to attend the rehearsal the night before if budget or logistics make that not possible for them.
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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    I think you are ok if you don't. The reason being is I would think that most guests & any bridal party members would be flying in Friday night so that they can be relaxed and ready on time Saturday for the wedding. So they would have to pay for Friday night no matter what. The one thing you can do is let them know that if taking a later flight in (which would mean missing the rehersal dinner) would be a cost savings, that it would ok (that is assuming you are ok with them missing the rehersal). Sometimes later flights can be cheaper.

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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    It's very nice of you to want to help them, but if your budget won't allow you to cover their hotel costs, you don't have to assume them.
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  • kmbay84kmbay84 member
    100 Love Its 100 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    Thanks ladies!  You were very helpful! Good point @Erikan73!
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