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Wedding Etiquette Forum

Etiquette Fail

I waited a while to post this just in case the bride or groom were on here.

My husband and I went to a wedding back in October. It had etiquette fails so huge that even my husband was bothered by them.

We go into the church. We are among the first people there, so we just find a seat making sure it's not in the first couple of rows. I had to explain to H why. He didn't understand that unless we had been asked to or were immediate family that we shouldn't. Well we accidentally sat on the "bride's" side (do people honestly still do that?). We got lectured by someone on the bride's side about it. H told me later that he thought there should've been signs if that was so important. H also thought that since everyone was there to celebrate the couple, that segregating families made no sense.

Then we went next door to the reception hall for cocktail hour. Lasted over an hour which irritated both of us. H's comment: "why invite us if you are going to spend forever doing pictures rather than spend time with us?"

Once they came in, they do really lame introductions (dj's fault, he made up fake facts about the wedding party). Then toasts that last forever. Then games to test how much the newly weds know about each other.

When dinner is finally served, they say that they'll do it row by row. Some how it never got to our row, so we just went to get food after waiting forever and got in trouble for it.

On the tables there were also "favors". The quotation marks because they were donations to some charity. It also happened to be one that I hate. The cause is great (diabetes research) but this particular one takes the majority of the donation and only a tiny portion goes to further the cause. H pointed out that he wouldn't notice the lack of favors but it certainly looked like they were trying to pat themselves on the back with these "favors".

Then we danced. Towards the end of the night, what else, a dollar dance. I'm actually surprised H didn't give some money (he's normally very generous). I would normally have just side eyed it. But then the FOG pressured H to do it, which made me ragey. H said he had no money. Nobody else did it either, until FOG started giving the children money to do it. TACKY!!!!!! H actually went on a long rant later. His policy was if he couldn't afford to go to Disneyland, he wasn't going to send someone else on our dime. He also mentioned that the dancing for money thing reminded him of a stripper.

Keep in mind, my husband never thinks bad of his family. And the only time that he judges anyone is if they're severely hurting other people (like abuse). But he wasn't happy with all this.

Just thought you guys would enjoy.

Re: Etiquette Fail

  • What an ego fest (for the couple).
  • peachy13peachy13 member
    Fifth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2014
    Teddy917 said: I waited a while to post this just in case the bride or groom were on here. My husband and I went to a wedding back in October. It had etiquette fails so huge that even my husband was bothered by them. We go into the church. We are among the first people there, so we just find a seat making sure it's not in the first couple of rows. I had to explain to H why. He didn't understand that unless we had been asked to or were immediate family that we shouldn't. Well we accidentally sat on the "bride's" side (do people honestly still do that?). We got lectured by someone on the bride's side about it. H told me later that he thought there should've been signs if that was so important. H also thought that since everyone was there to celebrate the couple, that segregating families made no sense. Then we went next door to the reception hall for cocktail hour. Lasted over an hour which irritated both of us. H's comment: "why invite us if you are going to spend forever doing pictures rather than spend time with us?" Once they came in, they do really lame introductions (dj's fault, he made up fake facts about the wedding party). Then toasts that last forever. Then games to test how much the newly weds know about each other. When dinner is finally served, they say that they'll do it row by row. Some how it never got to our row, so we just went to get food after waiting forever and got in trouble for it. On the tables there were also "favors". The quotation marks because they were donations to some charity. It also happened to be one that I hate. The cause is great (diabetes research) but this particular one takes the majority of the donation and only a tiny portion goes to further the cause. H pointed out that he wouldn't notice the lack of favors but it certainly looked like they were trying to pat themselves on the back with these "favors". Then we danced. Towards the end of the night, what else, a dollar dance. I'm actually surprised H didn't give some money (he's normally very generous). I would normally have just side eyed it. But then the FOG pressured H to do it, which made me ragey. H said he had no money. Nobody else did it either, until FOG started giving the children money to do it. TACKY!!!!!! H actually went on a long rant later. His policy was if he couldn't afford to go to Disneyland, he wasn't going to send someone else on our dime. He also mentioned that the dancing for money thing reminded him of a stripper. Keep in mind, my husband never thinks bad of his family. And the only time that he judges anyone is if they're severely hurting other people (like abuse). But he wasn't happy with all this. Just thought you guys would enjoy. ------------------------------

    I really, really hate these stupid games. Like I'm assuming you know each other if you're getting married, period. We don't need to watch you play the shoe game for 20 minutes just because the MOB saw it at her co-worker's daughter's wedding and it was just hilarious. If you must do it, save it for the shower.

    It's funny to get your H's reactions to these. My FI usually could care less about etiquette fails (unless there's a cash bar, then he'll whine), but one wedding we went to over the summer, two of the groomsmen were at the head table and their dates were at the single's table. FI turned to me and said "aren't you not supposed to do that?" You're right babe, no you're not!

    eta: boxes
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  • There were no ushers. Yeah the sides thing isn't really an etiquette issue but if they don't have signs or any indication of where to sit, they shouldn't get mad at me for sitting.

    Cocktail "hour" was at least 2 hrs and 15min (that's went I stopped looking at my watch). So definite etiquette fail. There was more than enough seats so at least I wasn't standing.

    They had the BM and GM come to each table to release them for dinner. They came to every table except ours and then sat down at the head table (BTW their SOs weren't seated with them). At first I wasn't too upset, it could've been an honest mistake. But then someone from the bride's side (I swear the bride's side were freakin busybodies) got mad. That really ticked me off.
  • Teddy917 said:
    There were no ushers. Yeah the sides thing isn't really an etiquette issue but if they don't have signs or any indication of where to sit, they shouldn't get mad at me for sitting. Cocktail "hour" was at least 2 hrs and 15min (that's went I stopped looking at my watch). So definite etiquette fail. There was more than enough seats so at least I wasn't standing. They had the BM and GM come to each table to release them for dinner. They came to every table except ours and then sat down at the head table (BTW their SOs weren't seated with them). At first I wasn't too upset, it could've been an honest mistake. But then someone from the bride's side (I swear the bride's side were freakin busybodies) got mad. That really ticked me off.
    Got it.   Now that you explained it more it makes a ton more sense.   I was originally thinking "So what if the cocktail hour was 75 minutes and they just couldn't wait?"

    But yeah, if they bypassed your table and didn't have ushers but yelled at where you were sitting, they need to STFU!
  • Gross! That sounds terrible.
                                 Anniversary
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  • I went to a wedding that sounded so much like that!

    outdoor 3 hour cocktail hour (well, 1 hour coffee and melted pastry hour, 2 hour partial cashbar hour). Over 100 guests... 40 chairs.  Also a hot, sunny day and tent only covered the 40 chairs.

    The dollar dance the FoG didn't give us pressure... my FiL did! (uncle of the groom). He also offered us money.
    So. So. Awkward!! I know from personal experience how uncomfortable that is. So sorry you had that.


    The people getting on you for sitting on the "wrong side" need to get a life. But come to think of it, we sat on the wrong side too and got asked why later by some of the family...

    It doesn't matter people!! blah.
  • hyechica81hyechica81 member
    Knottie Warrior 1000 Comments 100 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2014
    i had no seeting arrangements at my wedding my mom and dad   sat on the right side and his mom on the left everyone was free to sit wherever they wanted it was pick a seat not a side i wanted to blend in two familes together 
  • Re: the favors, honest question... Are charitable donations as favors against etiquette?  I can definitely see how the choice of organization was bothersome to OP, and really just means the couple should probably do their due diligence in selecting one that makes a significant contribution to the actual cause, but I didn't realize that making a donation in the names of your guests instead of giving traditional favors was a breach of etiquette.  

    From what I've learned here, I don't believe favors are required.  We were considering a donation favor as opposed to something that may just get tossed by our guests, but I will reconsider if this is actually against etiquette!  Sorry to thread-jack, but hoping one of you ladies will know.


  • Getting mad where people sit at the ceremony (as long as it's not in the first few rows) is ridiculous. Who the fuck cares what side you sit on. 

    I almost always sit on the bride's side, because I can see her better when she comes down the aisle. I think I've sat on the groom's side one time as an adult. 
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  • Re: the favors, honest question... Are charitable donations as favors against etiquette?  I can definitely see how the choice of organization was bothersome to OP, and really just means the couple should probably do their due diligence in selecting one that makes a significant contribution to the actual cause, but I didn't realize that making a donation in the names of your guests instead of giving traditional favors was a breach of etiquette.  

    From what I've learned here, I don't believe favors are required.  We were considering a donation favor as opposed to something that may just get tossed by our guests, but I will reconsider if this is actually against etiquette!  Sorry to thread-jack, but hoping one of you ladies will know.

    Yeah, it kind of is.  It's not a huge etiquette fail, IMO, but it is very AWish.  Yes, you are right, favors never need to be given.  So if a couple chooses to make a donation to their favorite charity instead of buying favors, that is fantastic...but they also shouldn't advertise it.  To me, a donation to charity as someone's "gift" is not a gift...especially if the giftee has no choice in the matter.  I also side eye it at Christmas when people do this...unless it has already been established by the mutual parties.

    It would be like a company making a big announcement that, instead of giving Christmas bonuses, they are adopting ten needy families.  While a worthwhile cause, it is a super sh**ty thing to do to their employees...especially since THEY are the ones getting the tax break, not the employees for whom the gift is for.  

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  • Re: the favors, honest question... Are charitable donations as favors against etiquette?  I can definitely see how the choice of organization was bothersome to OP, and really just means the couple should probably do their due diligence in selecting one that makes a significant contribution to the actual cause, but I didn't realize that making a donation in the names of your guests instead of giving traditional favors was a breach of etiquette.  

    From what I've learned here, I don't believe favors are required.  We were considering a donation favor as opposed to something that may just get tossed by our guests, but I will reconsider if this is actually against etiquette!  Sorry to thread-jack, but hoping one of you ladies will know.
    The whole point of favors (and the entire reception) is to thank your guests for coming to witness your marriage. The favors themselves are not required from an etiquette standpoint - if you do give favors, you should try to give something that all of your guests will enjoy (I've found that edible favors work best - anything monogramed with the B + G's initials is usually unwanted).

    When it comes to giving a donation instead, it really seems like what the B + G are doing is giving themselves a pat on the back. To me it says: "Look what wonderful people we are, we're giving back." While I think donating one's time or money to a worthwhile cause is a wonderful thing, doing so and then announcing it to everyone cheapens it, IMO.
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  • Re: the favors, honest question... Are charitable donations as favors against etiquette?  I can definitely see how the choice of organization was bothersome to OP, and really just means the couple should probably do their due diligence in selecting one that makes a significant contribution to the actual cause, but I didn't realize that making a donation in the names of your guests instead of giving traditional favors was a breach of etiquette.  

    From what I've learned here, I don't believe favors are required.  We were considering a donation favor as opposed to something that may just get tossed by our guests, but I will reconsider if this is actually against etiquette!  Sorry to thread-jack, but hoping one of you ladies will know.
    Charities and your wedding should not be combined. When you make donations in your guests' names, all you are doing is being an attention whore. There is no need to call attention to it or inform your guests they didn't get a little trinket or treat b/c you gave money to a charity. Just don't give them the trinket or treat, and donate, if you want, on a random Tuesday and keep it to yourself. 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited December 2014

    Re: the favors, honest question... Are charitable donations as favors against etiquette?  I can definitely see how the choice of organization was bothersome to OP, and really just means the couple should probably do their due diligence in selecting one that makes a significant contribution to the actual cause, but I didn't realize that making a donation in the names of your guests instead of giving traditional favors was a breach of etiquette.  

    From what I've learned here, I don't believe favors are required.  We were considering a donation favor as opposed to something that may just get tossed by our guests, but I will reconsider if this is actually against etiquette!  Sorry to thread-jack, but hoping one of you ladies will know.
    Yes, they are against etiquette. It's not up to the couple to decide that third parties are "honored" by donations that they 1) had no say in, 2) may be to causes they don't support, 3) don't benefit from (tax-wise or otherwise), 4) didn't ask to replace favors they did not solicit, and 5) are a captive audience for. If someone feels the need to preach to me about how they "honored" me by making a donation I didn't suggest or ask for to a cause I don't support "in lieu of" a favor I didn't ask for or expect and don't get a tax deduction or any other benefit from, I'm not going to feel "honored" but imposed on and resentful that the couple used me to pat themselves on the back.
  • Thanks all!  I hadn't seen this brought up elsewhere, and I guess I didn't see it from that perspective at first.  Really appreciate everyone's advice and help... we will definitely take that off the list of potential favor options.  The idea comes from a sincere place (truly!) but I definitely understand now that this does look AW-ish even if unintentional, and more importantly can make it feel forced upon our guests - neither of which we want to do.  Thank you!


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