processional order/mother of bride dilemma

futuremrshp · December 2014

What do you do when your mother is invited to the wedding but she did not raise you? We just recently started talking a bit more, and she's invited to the wedding, but it was my father's parents that raised me. I'm worried that she has this expectation of being 'honored' as the mother of the bride (and being introduced as such). She technically is my mother but my grandparents (who passed recently) and my aunt (on my dad's side) had WAY more to do with me than her. In talking with my mother, she keeps trying to reference herself as the MOB and how she needs to match her colors. I was hoping she'd be more... aware of the circumstances, but I guess I'm doing a bad job of managing expectations.

Thoughts?

Jen4948 · December 2014

Just ignore her. Don't go shopping with her, discuss plan specifics with her, or refer to her as MOB. If people ask questions, refer them to your aunt or answer them yourself.

CMGragain · December 2014

Buy her a corsage. She is, after all, technically the MOB.
Who is hosting the wedding? Are your Grandparents hosting, or are you hosting it yourself?
MOBs are not part of the processional. Typically, they are seated just before the procession begins, unless you are Jewish. You can have your mother escorted down the aisle and seated towards the front, but I imagine you want your grandmother in the place of honor, front row, left side? Both ladies can sit in front if they are willing.
MOBs do not match their colors any more. That is an old custom that went out years ago.

futuremrshp · December 2014

My FI and I are hosting the wedding -- it's all us for the costs and everything.

As I mentioned earlier, my grandparents passed away recently, so that's why I'm trying to get a good sense of what to do. If my grandmother were alive, it'd be A TON easier because she'd naturally be honored as the MOB. (Or, that would just be my decision point blank, traditional or not).

She is technically the MOB, for sure and I don't want to go out of my way to hurt her feelings--- but at the same time, she and I both know that MOB has more meaning than shared DNA and our situation is very vey different than the average. I guess I'm curious if others have had similar situations and how, from at least an etiquette perspective, they dealt with it.

Liatris2010 · December 2014

futuremrshp said:

My FI and I are hosting the wedding -- it's all us for the costs and everything.
As I mentioned earlier, my grandparents passed away recently, so that's why I'm trying to get a good sense of what to do. If my grandmother were alive, it'd be A TON easier because she'd naturally be honored as the MOB. (Or, that would just be my decision point blank, traditional or not).
She is technically the MOB, for sure and I don't want to go out of my way to hurt her feelings--- but at the same time, she and I both know that MOB has more meaning than shared DNA and our situation is very vey different than the average. I guess I'm curious if others have had similar situations and how, from at least an etiquette perspective, they dealt with it.

The only "honor" the MOB gets is being seated immediately before the ceremony an a corsage. Why can't you let her have those things are call herself MOB?

It isn't an honor. It is a flower and a chair.

MandyMost · December 2014

If you're giving other relatives corsages, give her one, too. And let her sit in/near the front. It's worth it just to not cause issues.

Don't introduce anyone into the reception at all, or only introduce the bride and groom, or only introduce the bride, groom, and bridal party. Essentially, just don't introduce any parents/relatives.

Don't have a roster in the program (if you're having a program). Again, just totally unnecessary. However, you could have a note in the program giving a special thanks to those people who have been special to your lives, including his parents and your late grandparents.

flantastic · December 2014

It would be difficult for her to give herself extra special importance and designate herself as a VIP beyond being seated before the processional and wearing a corsage, which I think all your guests would understand. No need to put her in the program, thank her in a welcome toast, or any such thing.

futuremrshp · December 2014

@Liatris2010‌ I get what you're saying about it not being an "honor" but I'm just trying to be realistic. In a perfect world, a chair and a flower should mean nothing more than that. But from what I can gather from other posts on the boards, planning can get stressful because there are so many emotions involved one way or another. Whether I like it or not, my mother has an expectation that I don't think is warranted and finding a way to navigate that is tough when you have a nontraditional upbringing.

Thank you, ladies, for your advice. This is definitely something I do think I just need to bite the bullet and have a frank conversation about. Good times.

Liatris2010 · December 2014

futuremrshp said:

Liatris2010‌ I get what you're saying about it not being an "honor" but I'm just trying to be realistic. In a perfect world, a chair and a flower should mean nothing more than that. But from what I can gather from other posts on the boards, planning can get stressful because there are so many emotions involved one way or another. Whether I like it or not, my mother has an expectation that I don't think is warranted and finding a way to navigate that is tough when you have a nontraditional upbringing.
Thank you, ladies, for your advice. This is definitely something I do think I just need to bite the bullet and have a frank conversation about. Good times.

You are the one making it stressful because of emotions. You don't want your mother to feel honored as a mother because she isn't the one who raised you. You can't control how people feel, so you are trying to avoid ways to let her be acknowledged as MOB so that she doesn't feel honored. Give the woman a corsage, let her process in, and let that be the end of it. Stop trying to quell the woman's excitement about your marriage.

huskypuppy14 · December 2014

I am going to go against the grain here, and say you don't have to do anything special for her. Just because she gave birth to you, doesn't mean she is an important person in your life.

And come on, everyone thinks MOB is an important honor, so that's a bad argument.

It sounds like she is just a guest, so treat her as such.

If this were a father, not a mother no one would be saying, oh he's your father the FOB, you have to have him walk you down the aisle.

Liatris2010 · December 2014

huskypuppy14 said:

I am going to go against the grain here, and say you don't have to do anything special for her. Just because she gave birth to you, doesn't mean she is an important person in your life.

And come on, everyone thinks MOB is an important honor, so that's a bad argument.

It sounds like she is just a guest, so treat her as such.

If this were a father, not a mother no one would be saying, oh he's your father the FOB, you have to have him walk you down the aisle.

I think this is fair, but her problem isn't that mom will walk down the aisle, it is that she is calling herself MOB. She is "MOB", so to sit her down and be all "You can't call yourself MOB because you didn't raise me!" is silly. FOB is FOB regardless of how the bride gets down the aisle, and so is MOB.

huskypuppy14 · December 2014

True she is technically MOB, but not in a traditional sense. It sounds like she has pretty much no involvement in the wedding, other than being a guest. MOB are usually honored guests, because usually they are important in the bride's life. Seems like this is not the case.

Liatris2010 · December 2014

huskypuppy14 said:

True she is technically MOB, but not in a traditional sense. It sounds like she has pretty much no involvement in the wedding, other than being a guest. MOB are usually honored guests, because usually they are important in the bride's life. Seems like this is not the case.

Ok, then this is where we disagree. IMO the MOB is the mother of the bride, regardless of whether or not they are close, and if the bride wishes to honor additional women like a grandmother or special aunt with the same traditional MOB things like being in the processional and wearing a flower, she is free to do so. IMO, the only reason not to let MOB process in and wear a corsage is to underscore, in a very public way, that she is not as close with the bride as other relatives, and I think that is unnecessarily hurtful.

[Deleted User] · December 2014

I think it's your decision if you want to give her a flowers to wear like you would other VIP's (like grooms parents). When people ask her how she knows you & FI, she is going to say, the bride is my daughter and it's the truth. When it comes to the invites, since you and FI are hosting, you don't need to mention her on the invites. If you want to include her on any of the ceremonial items where a mother would normally be involved (unity candle), again your call. But it might be easier to skip stuff like that. Not sure what advice to give to you about having her escorted down the isle right before the bridal party & sat in the front row. This is what I will say, it may be nice to have her escorted down & get her a flower. She wasn't there as a mother growing up, but it sounds like you are trying to work out your relationship with her and acknowledging her as the Mother of the Bride would help with that process.

Jen4948 · December 2014

Just out of curiosity, say this was your biological father who wanted to walk you down the aisle, give you away, have a father-daughter dance with you, etc. and talks a lot now about being Father of the Bride, yet never carried out the emotional or other responsibilities that go with being your father and abandoned you as a kid, leaving others to carry them out and depriving you of the emotional sense of his being your father? Are you going to grant him the privilege of being your father at your wedding just because he thinks he's entitled to it? There's no guarantee that your wedding will really clue him in that he was a dick to you in the past and that in order for the two of you to have the kind of relationship he's trying to symbolize with the role in your wedding he's demanding, he needs to change permanently.

Now, OP, turn that around and apply that to your biological mother. Yes, turning the other cheek is an option, but it's understandable if you don't do it. If you choose not to, then I think you need to make extremely clear to all parties concerned exactly what role, if any, she will have at your wedding and in your life, and set and maintain appropriate boundaries. If you do choose to turn the other cheek, you will also have to own the consequences of that decision-including if they do not provide any closure for the past or lead to a new harmonious relationship with your mother.

It's up to you.

teddygirl9 · December 2014

This is a very sticky situation. Personally, I agree with @huskypuppy14. I know that at my wedding, I will not be inviting my father, as he was never there, even if he is trying to make an effort now. Unless something incredibly drastic changes, he will not be there, so I will at least get to avoid this headache (in place a few more I'm sure).

I just want to wish you good luck with everything, and whatever you choose will be correct for you.

CMGragain · December 2014

I was the MOB at my daughter's wedding, which we hosted and paid for. After all that work, all I got to do was to wear the corsage and be seated just before the processional began. The FOB (dear husband) made the welcome speech.
If you aren't having a receiving line, this makes things simpler. Just buy the corsage and let her sit in front. No special dance. No special introduction at the reception. This is very traditional and proper. I should know! (Sigh.)

Seriously, it was a lovely wedding, and I am very happy for my daughter.

lc07 · December 2014

I agree with Lia. These references to FOB and walking the bride down the aisle don't make sense to me. They affect the bride in the sense that she is forced to walk with someone arm in arm that she may not want to or to dance with someone publicly that she may not want to. NOT the same thing as allowing someone to wear a flower and sit in a chair in the front.

OP, I'm sorry that you are upset about where you are with your mom in the wedding planning. I would let her choose her own dress - it doesn't matter if it coordinates or not. I would give her a corsage if your FI has a mother who will be receiving one and if FIs parents are walking down the aisle, I'd have your mom escorted down the aisle, too. It's the gracious thing to do IMO.

No need to list her as anything in programs, no need to thank her publicly, no need to have her involved in any kind of unity anything, no need to have her with you when you get ready etc. I don't think it sounds like a sit down conversation conversation is necessary.

jenajjthr · December 2014

OP, sorry that your mom is trying to push her way into a place that she hasn't earned the right to be in. Technically she may be "Mother of the Bride" because she gave birth to you. But she isn't MOB and she hasn't earned the honor of that title. That would be like saying that a woman who gave a baby up for adoption to be raised by another woman (your grandparents in this case) and then came to your wedding should still get the honor of MOB because she gave birth to you.

This is more than just "a chair and a flower." These things have meaning to OP and probably to the mom that wasn't a mom. OP can't give them to the person who rightfully deserves them, sorry for your loss OP. And doesn't want to give them to bio mom b/c bio mom (if I'm reading correctly) wasn't there in her life as her mom. We do say the same for fathers, so the same goes for mothers...if neither are there for you growing up...invite them, but treat them as a regular guest...not as an honored guest.

What we do in a wedding, rituals, processional, etc, means a lot to people, shows the world what we think is important to us as a couple, what we value. By showing her guests that bio mom has a place of honor, she says that bio mom had a place in her life, is honored. If that isn't true, why should she do it? Just to make her feel special? Not to hurt her feelings? Did OP's feelings not matter during her life?

I say this as a person with a bio dad who was in and out of life growing up. Sometimes he wanted to be "daddy." Sometimes he was too busy to know I existed. Both times I got married he wanted to be there. I'm sure he expected me to walk me down the aisle. Both times he didn't get the opportunity. He was invited, he was treated with respect, he was treated like any other guest. He just wasn't honored as "FOB" although "technically" he was. DNA doesn't mean a whole lot.

CMGragain · December 2014

I just think you will avoid drama if you get Mom the corsage and sit her in the front row. It isn't about deserving or not deserving the honor. It's about avoiding hurt feelings and drama at your wedding.

Jen4948 · December 2014

CMGragain said:
I just think you will avoid drama if you get Mom the corsage and sit her in the front row. It isn't about deserving or not deserving the honor. It's about avoiding hurt feelings and drama at your wedding.

I think that if the OP does give her the corsage and seats her in the front row, her biological mother will assume she's entitled to more than that "to avoid hurt feelings" and it will become one big game of emotional blackmail.

And there will be hurt feelings-the OP's. She already had to "get over" her biological mother's not being there for her when it counted, so anyone's telling her to "get over it" again is not going to be helpful to her. (I know you didn't say this in your post, but this is for other posters as well.)

There are things that are more important than whether or not her biological mother's feelings are hurt that she's not getting what she wants, and if she tries to cause undesired drama, well, she's just making more of a case against herself and security can remove her if she makes it necessary. She shouldn't be allowed to cherry-pick when she gets to be the OP's mother. None of this is to say that the OP can't do this if she wants to-but it will probably do nothing whatsoever to prevent "drama." If her biological mother wants to create "drama" she'll find a way to do it.

And telling people to "avoid hurt feelings and drama" by giving honors to people who don't deserve them sets one up for future trouble. We tell people here not to choose their bridal party members on the basis of "avoiding hurt feelings and drama" because they'll be stuck with the people they choose, who all too often turn out to not deserve them. It seems to me that this applies, even more so, to parental roles at weddings.

CMGragain · December 2014

Actually, I am recalling my own wedding day. Most of you know that my late mother was not at all loving, supportive and was emotionally abusive. My MIL was completely against the marriage and did everything she could to stop it from taking place.
I honored them both with corsages and let my mother have her day in the sun as the MOB. (She was thrilled with HER dress.) I ignored the drama.
It was the right thing to do. I got lots of sympathy from my guests, too. No regrets.
Only the OP can decide what is right for her. I do recommend the kinder, gentler path. I remember my wedding day as being very stressful, but I had a feeling of triumph when it was over without any public drama.

Jen4948 · December 2014

CMGragain said:
Actually, I am recalling my own wedding day. Most of you know that my late mother was not at all loving, supportive and was emotionally abusive. My MIL was completely against the marriage and did everything she could to stop it from taking place.
I honored them both with corsages and let my mother have her day in the sun as the MOB. (She was thrilled with HER dress.) I ignored the drama.
It was the right thing to do. I got lots of sympathy from my guests, too. No regrets.
Only the OP can decide what is right for her. I do recommend the kinder, gentler path. I remember my wedding day as being very stressful, but I had a feeling of triumph when it was over without any public drama.

It's great that it worked for you, but it's not workable for everyone. Corsages and special seats don't make the hurts of the past automatically fade away or protect anyone against future hurts if the biological parents in question don't keep up their end of the bargain at and after one's wedding.

CMGragain · December 2014

Jen4948 said:

Actually, I am recalling my own wedding day. Most of you know that my late mother was not at all loving, supportive and was emotionally abusive. My MIL was completely against the marriage and did everything she could to stop it from taking place.
I honored them both with corsages and let my mother have her day in the sun as the MOB. (She was thrilled with HER dress.) I ignored the drama.
It was the right thing to do. I got lots of sympathy from my guests, too. No regrets.
Only the OP can decide what is right for her. I do recommend the kinder, gentler path. I remember my wedding day as being very stressful, but I had a feeling of triumph when it was over without any public drama.
It's great that it worked for you, but it's not workable for everyone. Corsages and special seats don't make the hurts of the past automatically fade away or protect anyone against future hurts if the biological parents in question don't keep up their end of the bargain at and after one's wedding.

Of course not, but confronting the issues won't help, either, especially if the participants are not willing to admit their guilt. Why stir up trouble when it is so easy to just buy the corsage and let it pass?
I successfully protected my children from their hurtful grandmothers. Both my kids (now adults) are grateful and understanding about it. This has nothing to do with my wedding, though.
A wedding is simply a party to celebrate your change of status from being single to being part of a legally married couple. You organize the party according to your family needs. I did stand firm on some issues. I did not allow my mother's ex-husbands to be invited. I did not allow her current boyfriend either. (He was married.) I did not invite my ex-step brother who was a child molester.
Only the OP can draw the line and make the decision, but she should think about consequences and decide whether or not it is worth the drama.

Jen4948 · December 2014

If someone's "family needs" involve NOT acknowledging a woman who merely gave birth to them as their "mother" at their wedding, who are you, @CMGragain‌, to decide for them that it's an "easy" decision to make to so acknowledge the woman as the "Mother of the Bride/Groom" ?

I agree that only the OP can make the decision. But I don't think weddings are a good time to "turn the other cheek" if the emotional wounds haven't healed. It can lead to even more emotional pain.

Also, when dealing with a parent who abandoned or mistreated you, it's not an "easy" decision to not treat them as the "Parent of the Bride/Groom" at all. The idea that this decision is an "easy" one to make is dismissive of the person who has to make it. And that's really offensive.

jenajjthr · December 2014

CMGragain said:

Actually, I am recalling my own wedding day. Most of you know that my late mother was not at all loving, supportive and was emotionally abusive. My MIL was completely against the marriage and did everything she could to stop it from taking place.
I honored them both with corsages and let my mother have her day in the sun as the MOB. (She was thrilled with HER dress.) I ignored the drama.
It was the right thing to do. I got lots of sympathy from my guests, too. No regrets.
Only the OP can decide what is right for her. I do recommend the kinder, gentler path. I remember my wedding day as being very stressful, but I had a feeling of triumph when it was over without any public drama.

Actually, I had no idea about this. I don't know your history well enough. I'm glad you could do what you could and see it as just "a flower and a chair." Obviously OP sees it as more, and I agree with her. And who says that not giving her the chair and flower will cause a public spectacle? Just because it will cause hurt feelings doesn't mean that bio mother will cause a scene.

Even then it would still mean that OP doesn't need to cater to her wishes, demands, whatever to be treated to something that she obviously isn't in the heart and mind of OP. We tell Brides all the time nobody deserves certain titles...MOH, Bridesmaid, Bestman, Groomsman, Person who walks you down the aisle, Reader, Host, Guest, and I will include on this list...Parent of the Bride/Groom.

Just because they donated some DNA doesn't mean the deserve anything extra if they haven't done the job or they haven't tried to build the relationship since coming back into your life. Playing nice to play nice, not cause drama on the wedding day, may cause more harm than good.

OP, you have read both sides, give the flower and the chair, not give. The hard part is making the decision and then going forward with it. If you decide not to give her the flower and chair, the title in the program if you have one. Then you probably need to nip this in the bud sooner rather than later, and let her know.

WhatawagSBNy · December 2014

Honor the grandparents who raised you and the aunt you have been close to as much as you can. But as for your mother: Consider that she may have made dreadful mistakes in her life which led to her drop-out status as a mother, and has finally come to see how much she has lost. Her coming a little closer at this life milestone may be her way of showing she wants very much to be part of her daughter's future, and a better grandparent in years to come than she was a mother to you.
That is a hard, and huge thing, and may have nothing to do grabbing the attention of MOB status and everything to do with her own redemption. A statement that from here on she just wants a chance. And hopes you have it in your heart to give her a chance, starting with simply not rejecting her.

Jen4948 · December 2014

WhatawagSBNy said:

Honor the grandparents who raised you and the aunt you have been close to as much as you can. But as for your mother: Consider that she may have made dreadful mistakes in her life which led to her drop-out status as a mother, and has finally come to see how much she has lost. Her coming a little closer at this life milestone may be her way of showing she wants very much to be part of her daughter's future, and a better grandparent in years to come than she was a mother to you. That is a hard, and huge thing, and may have nothing to do grabbing the attention of MOB status and everything to do with her own redemption. A statement that from here on she just wants a chance. And hopes you have it in your heart to give her a chance, starting with simply not rejecting her.

I disagree with the bolded. A lot of times when people are getting married, people they have had rifts with suddenly come out of the woodwork seeking reconciliation and, if they are their parents, want the "roles" of Parents of the Bride/Groom when they haven't earned them.

OP, if you are seeking a true reconciliation with your mother, in which you absolve her of all responsibility for the past, I would do it independently of your wedding and not "use" your wedding to assume a reconciliation if your mother hasn't admitted responsibility for the pain she has caused you by omission as well as by commission. It needs to happen before your wedding and on an ongoing basis, so that she can't just disappear back into the woodwork with a smile on her face after your wedding, having been so recognized as "Mother of the Bride." If that happens, all the wedding will have done for your relationship with her is cause you more pain. Don't set yourself up for that by using the wedding to bring about a reconciliation that won't last.

If she really wants a reconciliation with you, then I think she needs to do more than just call herself "Mother of the Bride" and start talking about matching colors. I haven't seen you post anything that indicates that she is truly sorry for the pain she caused you by not being there for you or that she even recognizes that she so caused you pain and abandoned her responsibilities as your mother to others. If she hasn't, then the persons who carried out those responsibilities are the ones who should be recognized as your "parents" at your wedding.

rcher912 · December 2014

I just wanted to throw in that we all have moments where we wished we had managed expectations better.

Wedding planning can be very stressful and emotional (doesn't have to be, but it can - anything can), especially when your family has not always been supportive of you. All you can do is keep it moving and do your best to be kind to your mother about whatever decision you do make.

(And if you really want my opinion, I'd just make her another guest - maybe a corsage, but no special pre-ceremony seating, nothing in the program, no welcome toast, etc. She's welcome, of course, but no special treatment seems in order, but again - it really does always come back to how you think the situation is best handled for YOUR sanity).

SP29 · December 2014

OP, this is going to be entirely your decision. You give her a corsage, allow her to be seated in the front row prior to the processional, or you don't. Or, you could allow her to sit in the front row (+/- a corsage), but she takes her seat at the time of the other guests (we had our grandparents in the front row and my parent's spouses, but they took their seats early with the other guests). Either option has it's consequences; allowing her to feel the true MOB, either because you want to start a new relationship or merely because you want to avoid drama, or you very point blank tell her she is invited as a guest and that is that (knowing drama may ensue).

Whatever you decide, it has to be your decision and one you are comfortable with.

futuremrshp · December 2014

Thank you everyone for your thoughts. I would say most of you all have hit the nail right on the head of how I'm feeling. And I greatly appreciate everyone's input regarding that this is my choice, etc. I hope this thread helps other Knotties who are in similar boats.

Not sure who said, but if I'm making this stressful on myself because I'm being emotional about my mother not being a mother, then I guess I need to leave emotions out of the rest of my decisions, eh? LOL--- it is a wedding for goodness sake. In all seriousness, though I feel like I'll be referring to this thread a bit as I'm processing-- for pros and cons--- and also, for putting myself in her shoes. For those of you who find this a pretty easy issue to solve, then more power to you. I guess that's why God blessed us all with different personalities and experiences-- so we can share with each other on how to solve a problem or at least provide perspectives.

If people still want to comment, go for it. I had just been gone for the Christmas holiday and did not want to be seen as a troll or something. LOL! I hope everyone has a wonderful New Year!

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