Annoyed - just a vent . . .

Re: Annoyed - just a vent . . .

• huskypuppy14 member

  

  December 2014

  What does your sister do for work? If she couldn't leave because she might get fired, than I think it sucks that you're mad at her for that. (If that's the case.)

  
  

  My husband has to work on Christmas, He doesn't work in the medical field. Yes, it sucks, but it is what it is.

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

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• LabLove86 member

  

  December 2014

  @huskypuppy14 - no she would not get fired. Not even close.

  
  

  
  

  
  

  Just FWIW - I know I'm being vague about what she does - and its not something I always agree with (this doesn't make me being vague any better - sorry about that . . . and no - she isn't' a stripper! haha) so I'm trying to make sure I separate my feelings about what she does as to why I'm upset with  the fact that she didn't' make it to the holiday tonight.

  The facts are something came up for her that she didn't' feel like she could say no to. 

  
  

  
  

  It just sucks because I feel like she's constantly choosing her work over her family/friends and I don't think she realizes how much of her life she has alienated by doing this. I have tried to talk to her about it and she gets defensive and either starts crying or changes the subject. I have told her numerous times that she I am there for her if she ever needs me - and I don't know what else I can do for her at this point. 

                                  

  
  

  
  

  
  

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• mikenberger member

  

  December 2014

  I first thought at stripper haha
  
  Hey. She's an adult. You can't protect her forever. Eventually, you have to let go and let her do her own thing.

  
  

  
  

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• chibiyui member

  

  December 2014

  From an outside perspective, it seems kinda petty to be upset that your sister can't make a family event because of work.
  
  I'm sure there's more to it, but I can't imagine she's super happy with missing holidays with the family, unless you are all smothering her.

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  

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• LabLove86 member

  

  December 2014

  Yeah - I know you guys are right. I guess just easier said than done. 

  
  

  
  

  There is more to it - mostly that she can never do anything, ever. She's gotten herself into this crazy situation where she is "needed" 24/7, has no life of her own to speak of. . . . . and it sucks and I'm sad for her. Even more to it than just that too . . .but . . . . thats a whole other deal . . .

  
  

  
  

  Anyway - thanks for being my sounding board and bringing me back down to earth guys.

  
  

  Its her life and she needs to deal with the situations she creates for herself - not just holiday/family stuff - but life stuff.

                                  

  
  

  
  

  
  

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• mikenberger member

  

  December 2014

  LabLove86 said:

  Yeah - I know you guys are right. I guess just easier said than done. 

  
  

  
  

  There is more to it - mostly that she can never do anything, ever. She's gotten herself into this crazy situation where she is "needed" 24/7, has no life of her own to speak of. . . . . and it sucks and I'm sad for her. Even more to it than just that too . . .but . . . . thats a whole other deal . . .

  
  

  
  

  Anyway - thanks for being my sounding board and bringing me back down to earth guys.

  
  

  Its her life and she needs to deal with the situations she creates for herself - not just holiday/family stuff - but life stuff.

  Its tough. We always want to protect people. Not only as older siblings(I assume she's younger), but as women. We're nurturers and protectors by nature. Being an older sibling only makes it more amplified.
  
  I have a younger brother that I just had to let go of. It was super hard and our relationship strained for a few years but now, its far better than it ever was. Good luck

  
  

  
  

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• AddieCake member

  

  December 2014

  Maybe she doesn't really WANT to come to all the holiday stuff. Not everybody gets gung ho about that. I had an ex whose family did ALL the holidays, with a big family gathering, and his brother-in-law finally spoke up and said once in awhile he'd like to just stay home on Labor Day. And everyone thought he was such a jerk for it, but I totally agreed with his perspective. 

  
  

  I don't understand why you have found it necessary to remind her to ask for time off. Honestly, I find that very pushy. It seems to me if she wanted time off, she would ask for it. If she failed to ask and got burned by not getting to do something she wanted to do b/c of it, it's a lesson learned. If she doesn't want to be there, it's not right that she feel pressured or compelled to be just b/c it's what you want. 

  What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14

  

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• LabLove86 member

  

  December 2014

  @AddieCake - if she ever said that she didn't want to be there- then fine, She didn't want to be. But its always that she said she wanted to be there. . . . to me it always seemed as if it was more that she didn't know how to ask/stand up for herself.

  
  

  As far as reminding her - I feel as though she is stunted at 15 yrs old - she thinks she's mature and says she is, but her actions say otherwise. And she HAS been burned before by things and say she doesn't like when that happens - but she doesn't tend to do things on her own to make the time off happen - she actually doesn't tend to do anything on her own - and everyone around her enables this and I have really tried to stop doing that. . . .  its hard to give the tough love to someone you truly care about sometimes though. I have been much better the past 2 years or so as far as asking her maybe once then its up to her. 

  
  

  
  

  @mikenberger - yup- pretty much how I feel. Yes I am older by almost 4 years. Thanks for wording it better than I could haha. 

                                  

  
  

  
  

  
  

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• AddieCake member

  

  December 2014

  Regarding her not wanting to be there and not speaking up, perhaps she isn't comfortable doing so. It's not easy to tell your family you don't want to come to Christmas Eve, you know? Before I parted ways with my heinous cousin, we used to go to her mom's house every Sunday for dinner. EVERY SUNDAY. It was "required." My cousin lived across the street from her mother. I lived 25 minutes away. It was not always convenient for me. Sometimes I just wanted to be able to relax Sunday afternoon and evening. One year, on the last Sunday of Christmas break before heading back to work, I said I couldn't go b/c I had things I wanted to do (color my hair, do my nails, etc) to get ready for heading back to work. I was told, "You've had 2 weeks off. Why didn't you do these things then?" And that was just for missing ONE Sunday dinner with these people. It wasn't even a holiday. One Christmas Eve, we were over there (of course), it was getting late, and my cousin pulled me aside and said, "I need to get home! I have presents to wrap for my son and stuff to get ready at MY house, but I don't know how to tell Mom I need to leave!" And I couldn't blame her, what with the drama of me missing a random Sunday the year before. 

  
  

  I'm not saying your family would be like this, and I'm not saying she for sure doesn't want to be there (but her not contacting you or apologizing, etc...I would be all, "Dammit!  I can't make it!  So bummed. How does this happen to me on Christmas?!" etc tells me she didn't care about being there)  b/c I don't know. Just offering you a perspective from personal experience. 

  What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14

  

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• LabLove86 member

  

  December 2014 edited December 2014

  Thanks @AddieCake - I will absolutely take what you said into consideration. As previously stated she doesn't necessarily have that backbone to say what she means/wants - I guess I just never thought that she would be a pansy with telling ME what she wanted - but I guess it would absolutely be feasible. 

  
  

  I'll see her tonight for dinner, and she seems genuinely excited to come to that - so we will see how it goes. 

  
  

  
  

  Thank you for the alternative perspective though - I like to think I'm open minded - but there is always room for improvement

  
  

  
  

  Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays guys - I hope you are all having wonderful days!!

  
  

  
  

  ETF - punctuation

                                  

  
  

  
  

  
  

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• STARMOON44 member

  

  December 2014

  I'm def guilty of being irrationally hard on my sister, but I think it's good to remember that working hard at your job, even if you don't like it and it doesn't pay a lot, isn't a sign of being irresponsible and immature. I do think though no need to be sullen and passive aggressive in hopes she'll get the point- it's fine to say "hey I missed you last night!"
  
  I hope today is going better.

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• OliveOilsMom member

  

  December 2014

  Also, remember that as you and your siblings grow up, not every holiday can be spent together.  So while this year it may be your sister's job that kept her from Christmas Eve, next year it maybe a SO because it was decided that they will go to SO's family's house for the holiday.

  
  

  I am not in the medical field, I work in the legal field and there are times when I have to go to work.  For example, earlier this year we were at trial (it was a huge complex months long trial).  We were given certain weekends that we were on call to assist the attorneys (I'm a paralegal).  One weekend that I wasn't on call was for my friend's b-party, that was out of town.  That morning I was called into work by the head of my department.  I had to go in, even though I wasn't the person on call.  It was known by all that I had OOT plans.  I ended up being about an hour later than I wanted to be, but thankfully it didn't interrupt the night.  Now this example isn't about Christmas, but if the same thing were to happen on Christmas Eve or Day, I'd have to go because the big boss called.  

  

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• lyndausvi mod

  

  December 2014

  I think it's funny that people think simply asking for a day means you are going to get that day off.   Some industries it doesn't work that way.  When I lived in the VI I could ask off 2 years in advance for xmas off and that was still no guarantee I could get the day off.  

  
  

  One xmas I actually was given off due to a weird set of circumstances. I never ask, it was I had just worked 10 in a row and I was to do another 8 in a row, so they gave me the day off.  I woke up xmas morning to find out that one of my co-workers called in sick, so I was called in.

  
  

  Shit happens.    You are pretty vague on what industry she is in, but when you work in a customer service-type industry someone physically has to be there.  So if something happens to the person who was scheduled to work others have to pick up the slack.  That may include being called in or having to stay longer than planned.  It's just the nature of the business for some people.

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  

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• yogapants member

  

  December 2014 edited December 2014

  STARMOON44 said: I'm def guilty of being irrationally hard on my sister, but I think it's good to remember that working hard at your job, even if you don't like it and it doesn't pay a lot, isn't a sign of being irresponsible and immature. I do think though no need to be sullen and passive aggressive in hopes she'll get the point- it's fine to say "hey I missed you last night!" I hope today is going better.
  
  Yeah, this. OP, you mentioned that your sister doesn't make much money. Is she salaried? Because if she's just an hourly worker and a shift was available on Christmas Eve, maybe she needs the money.
  
  I only have younger sibs, but I'd be annoyed as shit if my mom was always bothering me about taking off work this day or that day for whatever. I would not be as kind about it as your sister has been - it would probably be more like, "Crap, Christmas Eve is on December 24th this year?! Is that a new thing? Good thing you told me!!!"
  
  I totally get being irritated that she said she was coming and then blew you guys off. It's obnoxious. But your sister doesn't sound childish or irresponsible to me, it just sounds like you're frustrated that her decisions don't meet your expectations.

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• LabLove86 member

  

  December 2014 edited December 2014

  yogapants said:

  STARMOON44 said:

  I'm def guilty of being irrationally hard on my sister, but I think it's good to remember that working hard at your job, even if you don't like it and it doesn't pay a lot, isn't a sign of being irresponsible and immature. I do think though no need to be sullen and passive aggressive in hopes she'll get the point- it's fine to say "hey I missed you last night!" I hope today is going better.

  
  

  
  

  Yeah, this. OP, you mentioned that your sister doesn't make much money. Is she salaried? Because if she's just an hourly worker and a shift was available on Christmas Eve, maybe she needs the money.
  
  I only have younger sibs, but I'd be annoyed as shit if my mom was always bothering me about taking off work this day or that day for whatever. I would not be as kind about it as your sister has been - it would probably be more like, "Crap, Christmas Eve is on December 24th this year?! Is that a new thing? Good thing you told me!!!"
  
  I totally get being irritated that she said she was coming and then blew you guys off. It's obnoxious. But your sister doesn't sound childish or irresponsible to me, it just sounds like you're frustrated that her decisions don't meet your expectations.

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  ****BOXES****

  
  

  This bolded is so much of it. It really is - not just with the holidays but with how she lives her life. I also realize this is MY issue and I need to essentially just get over it. She is an adult. She makes her decisions. 

  As far as the money - she is not salaried but she also didn't make any extra money for staying late. And she was approved for the time off - then 'abc came up'. I get that things happen. But these things tend to happen all the time.
  

  
  

  I also still think she is childish and irresponsible but I've known her my whole life - and you guys have this one little snippet. So I get why you think I'm being unreasonable and I respect that. 

  
  

  
  

  When we were talking about Thanksgiving this year she asked when it was - I gave her the date. And her response was "Oh shit. Its on a THURSDAY?! I don't know if I'l lbe able to make it then . . . ." And she wasn't being sarcastic or funny. She legitimately didn't know that Thanksgiving was on a Thursday. This is just one example of why I still feel as though I need to 'baby' or 'protect' her I guess. She has always had things laid out for her . . . . So I just have to pull away from that and make sure she stands on her own 2 feet. 

  
  

  I also know I have to seriously separate my feelings about what she does from how I'm feeling about this situation. Because as much as I'm trying to separate them - its a lot harder to actually do that than just knowing I have to.

                                  

  
  

  
  

  
  

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