How to narrow down your wedding party?

Knottie1512423 · December 2014

I'm really stressing over my wedding party and need some completely objective opinions.
I have 3 sisters and have had the same best friend for 15 years - my best friend is going to be my MOH - for one thing my sisters are all younger and have never been in a wedding, and for another 2 of them live in southern Florida (I'm in NJ) and I really don't feel comfortable choosing between my sisters.
I also have 2 cousins who I grew up with, very close to and they would be extremely offended if I didn't include them.
I also have 3 friends from college who I'm extremely close to, and while they would understand if I chose not to have them in my wedding party, they are the only ones out of all of them who have been in a wedding before.

I don't really want 9 bm - my fiancé and I are paying about 50% of the costs ourselves and a huge wedding party would set us way off budget. BUT I don't really want to cut anyone on that list out. My cousins would be a possibility, but I don't think saving a few $$ is worth the headache I'd have the rest of my life over it.

Who would you cut? Or should I just suck it up and have all 9??

manillabar · December 2014

The best way to pick is think of who you absolutely *need* by your side on that day. If there are people you could do without, then don't ask them. People may be "offended" but no one is owed a right to your wedding party (unless, of course, you already asked them in which case you can't un-ask without ruining the relationship).

Also, I don't really know why the fact that your friends have been in a wedding before matters. If you don't want them in your wedding party, don't ask. If you do, then ask.

ETA: as far as costs go, you will have to pay for bouquets and gifts for all of them so that is definitely a factor but you don't have to pay for hair and accessories unless you're dictating a particular style (and life is easier if you just don't do that). So you have to decide if you really want these people there as your bridesmaids and if your answer is "yes," then the next task is to figure out a way to afford it. But again, if there's anyone you don't really want there, you don't have to ask, and they'll get over it.

Lauderdale Pink · December 2014

I am not sure how the whole 9 will set you off budget. Although some people do treat their BM's to hair and make up, this is not an obligation. BM gifts also do not have to cost a king's ransom. As a considerate bride, you may ask each lady what their gown budget is. But it seems to me that all of these ladies would be invited anyway. So, where is the budget crunch?

kmmssg · December 2014

Lauderdale Pink said:

I am not sure how the whole 9 will set you off budget. Although some people do treat their BM's to hair and make up, this is not an obligation. BM gifts also do not have to cost a king's ransom. As a considerate bride, you may ask each lady what their gown budget is. But it seems to me that all of these ladies would be invited anyway. So, where is the budget crunch?

Each bridesmaid needs flowers and a thank you gift and 2 spots at the rehearsal dinner (one for her and one for her date). There is a real cost to each member of the bridal party and it needs to be a line item in the budget. 9 bridesmaids means 9 bouquets, 9 thank you gifts , and 18 seats at the rehearsal dinner!

Teddy917 · December 2014

Who would you count on to help you hide a body? Bam! That's your BP.

vmj23 · December 2014

You need to pick who you want to be there by your side. It doesn't matter if they have been in a wedding or not, there isn't much to it...put on dress, walk down aisle....

I was having a small wedding (75 people) and didn't want a huge wedding party. To keep it simple I had my 3 sis in laws and that was it. I explained to my two best friends that we were keeping it small with immediate family only (my brothers, niece, nephews were also included). They completely understood and I told them if they wanted to come hang out and get ready at my house before the wedding they were more then welcome. I also made sure my photographer knew I wanted individual pictures with each of them.

Lauderdale Pink · December 2014

@kmmssg-you are correct, those are huge added expenses. When the bride said that she and the groom were paying for 50% of the wedding, I figured a parent was paying for the rehearsal dinner. I also did not figure too much for flowers, because I have seen a (pleasant) dip in flower budgets and many BMs are carrying 2/3 hydrangeas wrapped in ribbon, so that also did not pop in my mind. The one thing I still don't get is the overwhelming amount of $$$$ this generation of brides is spending on bridal party gifts. In my horse and buggy days, people pretty much understood that this is a young couple starting out and elaborate gifts were not expected.

But, I have to yield to current practices, and you are very correct.

adettma32 · December 2014

Lauderdale Pink said:

@kmmssg-you are correct, those are huge added expenses. When the bride said that she and the groom were paying for 50% of the wedding, I figured a parent was paying for the rehearsal dinner. I also did not figure too much for flowers, because I have seen a (pleasant) dip in flower budgets and many BMs are carrying 2/3 hydrangeas wrapped in ribbon, so that also did not pop in my mind. The one thing I still don't get is the overwhelming amount of $$$$ this generation of brides is spending on bridal party gifts. In my horse and buggy days, people pretty much understood that this is a young couple starting out and elaborate gifts were not expected.
But, I have to yield to current practices, and you are very correct.

I don't necessarily think there is pressure to spend a ton of money on bridal party gifts, just that these gifts need to be more thoughtful than the stereotypical bridal party gifts of engraved money clip or monogrammed totes.

AddieCake · December 2014

I would just have the MOH.

lc07 · December 2014

Knottie1512423 said:

I'm really stressing over my wedding party and need some completely objective opinions. I have 3 sisters and have had the same best friend for 15 years - my best friend is going to be my MOH - for one thing my sisters are all younger and have never been in a wedding, and for another 2 of them live in southern Florida (I'm in NJ) and I really don't feel comfortable choosing between my sisters. I also have 2 cousins who I grew up with, very close to and they would be extremely offended if I didn't include them. I also have 3 friends from college who I'm extremely close to, and while they would understand if I chose not to have them in my wedding party, they are the only ones out of all of them who have been in a wedding before. I don't really want 9 bm - my fiancé and I are paying about 50% of the costs ourselves and a huge wedding party would set us way off budget. BUT I don't really want to cut anyone on that list out. My cousins would be a possibility, but I don't think saving a few $$ is worth the headache I'd have the rest of my life over it. Who would you cut? Or should I just suck it up and have all 9??

What do you mean by the bolded?

Jen4948 · December 2014

Teddy917 said:
Who would you count on to help you hide a body? Bam! That's your BP.

Not necessarily. Not everyone who can be counted on to help hide a body is into weddings, even their BFF's, or can be counted upon to get the designated outfit and show up at the wedding sober, on time, and in good spirits. That's the case in my life. I would not ask my BFFs to help me hide a body. Those persons I might ask for that kind of help I am not that close to.

I'm getting sick of the "hide a body" BS as a criterion, or the criterion, for choosing a wedding attendant. One really has nothing to do with the other.

AddieCake · December 2014

Jen4948 said:

show previous quotes
Who would you count on to help you hide a body? Bam! That's your BP.
Not necessarily. Not everyone who can be counted on to help hide a body is into weddings, even their BFF's, or can be counted upon to get the designated outfit and show up at the wedding sober, on time, and in good spirits. That's the case in my life. I would not ask my BFFs to help me hide a body. Those persons I might ask for that kind of help I am not that close to. I'm getting sick of the "hide a body" BS as a criterion, or the criterion, for choosing a wedding attendant. One really has nothing to do with the other.

Oh, come on, Jen. You know it's just a way of saying who is your absolutely closest friend. Everybody knows they don't really have anything to do with each other. Most of us would never hide a body, and I doubt most of us or our friends would legit be able to help if we had to. You seem awfully cranky about stuff lately.

Jen4948 · December 2014

While it's true that getting the designated outfit and showing up in it sober, on time, and in good spirits are the only duties a bridesmaid has, not everyone's best friend is the right person to ask to do that. Some best friends are great in emergencies but not at weddings.

AddieCake · December 2014

Fair enough.

How to narrow down your wedding party?

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