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Stealing her thunder?

Knottie57141769Knottie57141769 member
in Chit Chat
Hey guys: i just need so perspective here! Please feel free to lend any advice you have!
My boyfriend and I have been going our about 3 years now. His sister and her partner have been going out the same amount of time. She just got engaged in November. I am beyond excited for them! And i can not wait for their day to come! Since they have gotten engaged, my boyfriend and I have begun to have deeper conversations about engaged and have actually decided to get engaged within the next few months. I was really excited for him to tell me that- UNTIL i found out that my soon to be sister in law as well as my mother in law think that, that (getting engaged and/or married) would be stealing his sister's thunder.
But let me make one thing known- she has set her wedding for July 2016!!! That means i would have to wait over a year and a half to get engaged? Or if we decided to get engaged, to plan a wedding?!? I just dont think thats fair!
Just cause she wants to wait that long- does that mean I should? My only sister is leaving the country in the fall of 2016 and i want her to be there with me for the planning and the wedding.
Would i really be stealing her thunder if we got engaged or married (at least 6 months) before her? Please let me know your thoughts! I dont want to be irrational here. But i also dont want to be rude or put my life on hold just for her ...
Thank you!
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Re: Stealing her thunder?

  • hellohkbhellohkb mod
    Moderator Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its
    First, congratulations on your (pending) engagement. It's a really exciting time!

    My mom got engaged in September 2013 and I got engaged November 2013, so roughly 2 months later. She joked that I stole her thunder but I don't think she was serious. It's natural for people to get engaged and your future SIL can't get pissy because other people don't want to put their lives on hold because she happens to be getting married. She gets one day, not a year+ to revel in the spotlight. When would you and your FH like to get married? Would you prefer earier in 2015?


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  • theartistformerlyknownastheartistformerlyknownas member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers First Anniversary
    No. As long as you're not getting engaged at her actual wedding (or engagement party, I suppose) you're in the clear.
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  • bethsmilesbethsmiles member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    It would be incredibly selfish and unfair of anyone to ask you to post-pone your engagement/wedding because of their's. Make your plans for what suit you and your SO. As long as you don't engaged at their wedding or plan your wedding for the same date you are good :)


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  • Cookie PusherCookie Pusher member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited December 2014
    Agreed with PPs - they can't expect you to put your life on hold for them. My sister got engaged not long after I did and got married almost 2 years before I did. At no point did I ever feel like she was stealing my thunder - I was too busy being excited for her and helping her plan. I was told I wasn't allowed to have my wedding the same year as someone else, and it really pissed me and DH off. It's just so attention-whorey!
    ~*~*~*~*~

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  • beetherybeethery member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    Your future in-laws are nuts for thinking that.

    Also, if you're going to post on multiple boards, throw an XP: in the title so people know it's a cross-post.

    You might have a bumpy road ahead of you with people thinking you're stealing her thunder. I wish you the very best of luck, and a very happy engagement when the time comes! You can always come here to vent.
    --

    I'm the fuck     out.

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  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    You're fine. Your FSIL gets one day, and you get one. My brother got engaged in November 2011, and my husband and I got engaged in May 2012. They married in November 2012, and we married in February 2013. No thunder was stolen.




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  • AddieCakeAddieCake member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    Your boyfriend's parents are being ridiculous.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • southernbelle0915southernbelle0915 mod
    Moderator 10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary
    If/When you get engaged, get married whenever you want (obviously avoiding their wedding day). Just because she got engaged first doesn't mean she has to get married first. That's not even a thing. And neither is "thunder stealing".

    If they reacted like that toward the news that their son wants to get married, I wouldn't expect a ton of positivity and support out of your FILs. Ignore them and enjoy your happiness with people who are happy for you. Their loss.
    *********************************************************************************

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  • decembergrl2014decembergrl2014 member
    250 Love Its Third Anniversary 100 Comments Name Dropper
    I agree that your BF's parents are being ridiculous. Getting engaged and married is supposed to be a happy time, not a competition. Whenever you and your BF decide to get engaged is YOUR business, no one else's. Even if you decide to get married before your FSIL that's your decision. She's waiting a year and a half, which is fine, but even if you decide to get married first that's your decision too. Someone needs to drum it into your FMIL that she should be happy that her children have found the person they want to spend the rest of their lives with. Her thinking is beyond irrational, IMO.

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  • Aray82Aray82 member
    500 Comments 250 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    We got engaged in May 2013, and my sis got engaged that December. Far as I can tell, my thunder supply was not depleted. They were planning on a wedding four months after ours, but have since postponed it. Not because of us at all, but again, still no thunder depletion even when they planned it for four months after. Our wedding was awesome and completely about us and our guests.
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  • theartistformerlyknownastheartistformerlyknownas member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers First Anniversary
    The idea of "stealing thunder" just reminds me of my idiot dog jumping and buying at the air trying to catch far-off lightning in her mouth. It just doesn't work that way.
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  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Knottie57141769 said:
    Hey guys: i just need so perspective here! Please feel free to lend any advice you have! My boyfriend and I have been going our about 3 years now. His sister and her partner have been going out the same amount of time. She just got engaged in November. I am beyond excited for them! And i can not wait for their day to come! Since they have gotten engaged, my boyfriend and I have begun to have deeper conversations about engaged and have actually decided to get engaged within the next few months. I was really excited for him to tell me that- UNTIL i found out that my soon to be sister in law as well as my mother in law think that, that (getting engaged and/or married) would be stealing his sister's thunder. But let me make one thing known- she has set her wedding for July 2016!!! That means i would have to wait over a year and a half to get engaged? Or if we decided to get engaged, to plan a wedding?!? I just dont think thats fair! Just cause she wants to wait that long- does that mean I should? My only sister is leaving the country in the fall of 2016 and i want her to be there with me for the planning and the wedding. Would i really be stealing her thunder if we got engaged or married (at least 6 months) before her? Please let me know your thoughts! I dont want to be irrational here. But i also dont want to be rude or put my life on hold just for her ... Thank you!
    Like PP said, you will not be stealing anyone's thunder unless you get engaged on the day of your sister's wedding or other pre-wedding event for her.  Your FILs are wrong.  If they say anything to you about "stealing thunder" I think you should reply with, "I can't put my life on hold just because my sister is getting married.  I am beyond excited for her and she is beyond excited for me."  

    Could you imagine if a family with lots of siblings or close cousins followed that thought?  Some couples would have to wait years before an engagement or wedding to occur!

    The other thing that I saw in your post that other people didn't bring up is that your sister has no obligation to help you plan your wedding.  If she wants to, than you can certainly accept her help.  The person who needs to help you plan the wedding is your future FI.
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  • wrigleyvillewrigleyville member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    I would be really sad if I got engaged and my sister postponed her engagement/wedding because she was afraid she'd be "stealing" something from me. I wouldn't want my sister to put her life on hold. I'd be beyond excited for her, and it would give me someone to bounce ideas off of. We could talk wedding together. :)

    Since your boyfriend obviously knows his sister really well, perhaps she falls into that line of thinking rather than the "stealing thunder" thinking. I hope so, anyway. Expecting someone to put their life on hold for a year and a half is beyond selfish.
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  • huskypuppy14huskypuppy14 member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    Maybe your boyfriend should tell his mother "what if Knottie Numbers and I got engaged first? Would you expect sister to wait a year or so to get engaged?" Hopefully, putting it that way will make her see that it's an unreasonable request.
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  • Gustafson28Gustafson28 member
    Fourth Anniversary 500 Comments 100 Love Its Name Dropper
    lolo883 said:
    The idea of "stealing thunder" just reminds me of my idiot dog jumping and buying at the air trying to catch far-off lightning in her mouth. It just doesn't work that way.

    Cutest thing ever
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  • lovegood90lovegood90 member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited December 2014
    Not stealing thunder at all! I hate that thought process. As long as you don't get engaged or married at her engagement party/bridal shower/wedding day you're FINE. You only get one day; enjoy your wedding planning and let them pout if they want!

    Formerly martha1818

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  • ShellD13ShellD13 member
    Fourth Anniversary 100 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper
    No, you are not stealing her thunder.  That aside I agree with PP's if that is how they feel you could have a bumpy road ahead regardless.

    My story:
    My sister was dating and living with her boyfriend for 3 years before they got engaged.  They got engaged then kept delaying picking a date - "Oh, we'll get married when we build the house -or- we'll get married when XYZ happens" - with no forward progress on any of the named goals in sight.  So they were engaged for another 2 years without a date.

    Meanwhile, I will grant you it was fast, but I met a guy through a mutual friend, we started dating, he proposed 2 months later.   Evidently, seeing me get engaged lit a fire under my sister's a** because I came home from an OOT weekend with FI having picked our date and signed contracts with a venue to have my sister tell me she and her FI had also picked a date which was almost one day to the month following the date that my FI and I had picked.  I got the exact same load of crap from my family that I was stealing my sister's thunder because I was going to get married before her...it was the worst 7 months of my life.  My mom, sisters, and SIL all contributed to the stress and headaches with boundless snark and pissy attitudes.  Our wedding was called off for a multitude of reasons but the stress that my family put on us definitely did not help.
    Anniversary
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  • photokittyphotokitty mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited December 2014
    This all makes me very appreciative of my family.

    My sister and her wife had been engaged for more than a year when I got engaged. I planned a wedding 30 days prior to their at home wedding (gay marriage is not legal in our state) and they decided last minute to get married legally in DC 6 weeks prior to my wedding - they still had the at home wedding (which is not considered a PPD bc you cannot legally get married in our state - BOO!!).

    There was plenty of thunder to go around and nobody felt anything but happiness and joy for the others.
    :kiss: ~xoxo~ :kiss:

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  • lyndausvilyndausvi mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    Stealing their thunder logic is just so stupid.

    I've had my own siblings get married within a few months of each other and a lot of cousins also.    NBD.

    I think it's pretty fucked up to think everyone around can't plan their own life event because you choose to have a long engagement.  Very strange and selfish thought process.    

    My brother got engaged, 6 months later my sister go engaged.  Brother got married 3 months after sister's engagement.   Sister got married 7 months after brother.     No big deal at all.  I had various sibling-cousins all get married within a 6 months of each other.  Again NBD. 

     
    Marriage is not the be all end all of life events. My sister and both SILs all gave birth to daughters within a few months of each other.  Sister and 1 SIL the next year gave birth to sons 6 days apart.  No thunder stealing going on there either.  

     Besides people are capable of celebrating more than one life event at a time.   One summer I went to 9 weddings.  NINE WEDDINGS IN A 13 WEEK PERIOD OF TIME.   Trust me, everyone one got their due attention.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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  • princessleia22princessleia22 member
    Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Answer

    I got engaged Dec. 2012.  We set the wedding date for June 2014.  In Jan. 2014 my sister got engaged and planned her wedding for Aug. 2014.  My wedding was awesome, her wedding was awesome.  We had a great time bouncing wedding ideas off each other.  We made sure to schedule showers and such at different times (which was easy since 2 months apart was plenty of time), so as not to take attention from each other.  And after she got engaged, my sister had a talk with me to let me know that she intentionally scheduled her wedding for after mine to avoid stealing my attention and to make sure I was okay with it. I appreciated that she thought enough to come to me about it. And I never really felt any negative impact from her wedding plan.

    You each get one day for your wedding. You shouldn't have to postpone your engagement or wedding, especially for 1-2 years. I could see a problem with maybe getting engaged or married same week or something, but even then they need to suck it up and get over themselves. I would suggest sitting down and having a talk with his sister to make sure she knows you don't want to take away from her excitement and ask if there is anything you can do to make things easier for both of you. 

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  • steph861steph861 member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments First Answer Name Dropper
    edited December 2014
    There's no winning with people like this. Do what you and your bf want to do, and don't worry about FSIL and FMIL. If they make a fuss, you won't be the only one thinking they're crazy.

    How'd you find out that they think you would be stealing FSIL's thunder? God, I hope she didn't warn every unmarried person she knows that they're not allowed to get engaged/married until after her wedding. 

    ETA
    Even if FSIL wasn't getting married so far away, you don't have to delay your plans to placate her. As others have stated, you each get one day.
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