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Invites and Paper

Living abroad

So, I live in a foreign country.  My fiance is from here.  We were planning on getting married in June, although we hadn't set a date.  Over Christmas he decided that maybe we could move it forward to February (which is completely fine with me), and we'll be setting a date when he gets another day off of work (around January 10th).  If we do move it to February, I'm not sure what to do about invitations.  Mail can sometimes take up to a month and a half to get to the US, and people need time to get vacation time and plan to be away from their homes.  So, I could do a save the date, but there is still no guarantee that the actual invite would get there before the wedding.  Additionally, a lot of family members won't be able to attend because of where we live and transportation time/methods.  We know it's correct to still invite them because we would want them there, but we know that most of them won't come.  Would it be too incredibly tacky to do e-mail invites only for people in the US?

(My fiance's culture dictates that the groom pay for all expenses--travel, lodging, and food--for all invited people, but I've explained to him that US culture usually dictates that the invited people pay their own expenses but tend to give smaller gifts if any.  Also, in his culture, you hand-deliver the invitations because the postal system is essentially non-existent.  Additionally, the invites for his friends and family would be in a different language than those for my friends and family; so we'd already be doing them differently.)

HELP!  Please?

Re: Living abroad

  • What country are we talking about?  You could address your invitations to your USA relatives and friends, and then air mail them in a package to a relative who will mail them for you.  You will need to send her money for the stamps needed, but you would probably save money in the long run.

    Invitations are sent out six to eight weeks before the wedding, no matter what the circumstances.  It is not rude to send invitations to people whom you know cannot attend.  It is their decision whether or not to come, not yours.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
  • We're in Guatemala.  If we don't set a date until January 10th, it's not possible to send out invites 6 to 8 weeks in advance via air snail mail.

    As I said, we were planning on inviting people we knew probably wouldn't come anyway, as we would like them to be there.
  • It is perfectly acceptable to telephone invitations to people, to be followed up by the written invitation.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
  • Is there a reason the date is being moved up? You're not even giving guests the opportunity to come if they wanted to by bumping it to February.


  • The question is if I have to send paper invites at all since there's a 99% chance they'll be completely worthless except as a keepsake from some wedding that the person had already attended by the time the invitation arrives in the mail...if they even arrive.  I mean, I realize it's my wedding and I can do whatever I want.  The fact of the matter is that I've lived here for over 4 years and am very well acquainted with the international mail service and trying to get things out of the country via it.  So, would it be completely tacky to not send paper invites?  Is it worth the time, money, and stress required for something that will probably never arrive at its destination and, if it does, will probably arrive after the wedding has happened?

    If I did do paper invites, I'd probably buy them online and have them shipped to my mother who would then have to take the time to send them all out, and considering that she hasn't sent out Christmas cards in 4 years because it's too much work, I don't see her sending out wedding invites either.  But I could nag her about it until she does it.  That is the ONLY feasible option for paper invites for the US.  So, the question is: Is sending out only e-mail invites too incredibly tacky?
  • @mlg78
    We're moving it up for a variety of reasons.  First of all, my fiance feels that we might as well start our lives together now rather than in June.  It wasn't a case of cold feet on his part, but more of just wanting to pick a convenient time for more people.  Here they put your ages on the marriage certificate, and I didn't want to be listed as older than him; so we can only get married between November and June.  (I'm 5 months older.)  So, we were squeezing it in to early June when my mother--the only family member I expect to come--was out of work.  (She's a teacher.)  One of my best friends--who I would have as maid of honor if they did that sort of stuff here--already confirmed that she did not share schedule compatibility with my mother.  However, my mother already stated that she had a vacation in February as well.

    There was also the financial situation of the groom having to pay for everything.  My parents always told me that they would give me $5k to help with wedding expenses, but the fiance won't accept their money saying that it's his responsibility.  He didn't feel that he would be able to have that money until June, but due to a bit of luck and a few sales we have found, it's financially possible to have the wedding sooner.

    I've known I was going to marry him for 3.5 years now; so while another 4 months wouldn't be any big deal to me, I already feel like I've waited long enough and want to start our life together as well.
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    mlg78 said:
    Is there a reason the date is being moved up? You're not even giving guests the opportunity to come if they wanted to by bumping it to February.
    I agree with this.  If you invited me for instance, there would be zero way I would be able to come (no vacation time, finances, etc) even if I wanted to.  Are you prepared for a lot of declines because of how soon your wedding will be taking place?

    Now if you don't care if a good portion of your guests list doesn't come then fine, but if you do then you may want to move your date back a bit.

  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited December 2014
    amsimmer said:
    The question is if I have to send paper invites at all since there's a 99% chance they'll be completely worthless except as a keepsake from some wedding that the person had already attended by the time the invitation arrives in the mail...if they even arrive.  I mean, I realize it's my wedding and I can do whatever I want.  The fact of the matter is that I've lived here for over 4 years and am very well acquainted with the international mail service and trying to get things out of the country via it.  So, would it be completely tacky to not send paper invites?  Is it worth the time, money, and stress required for something that will probably never arrive at its destination and, if it does, will probably arrive after the wedding has happened?

    If I did do paper invites, I'd probably buy them online and have them shipped to my mother who would then have to take the time to send them all out, and considering that she hasn't sent out Christmas cards in 4 years because it's too much work, I don't see her sending out wedding invites either.  But I could nag her about it until she does it.  That is the ONLY feasible option for paper invites for the US.  So, the question is: Is sending out only e-mail invites too incredibly tacky?
    Yes, evite invitations are tacky, if not followed up by formal paper invitations.

    Yes, it is your wedding.  No, you should not do whatever you want.  There are rules of etiquette that should be followed.

    1.  Give your guests as much advance notice, up to 8 weeks, as you can manage.  An e-mail notification that the invitation is coming is OK.
    2.  Paper invitations are necessary.
    3.  What is wrong with you ordering paper invitations locally, addressing them, and then mailing them to your mother, who will then stamp them and mail them in the USA?  Stamping them and putting them in the mail is easy.  Addressing them is hard.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
    PrettyGirlLost
  • @CMGragain, you should check out the "not yet engaged" forums.  They're full of people telling others to do what they want and not care about the consequences.  

    The problem with ordering them locally and addressing them myself and mailing them to her is that, although they would be cheaper, they would probably never arrive at her house.  So, since they'll either get lost in the mail or never be bought, addressed, and sent, I'm not seeing a difference except that I'll waste my time and money as well as stress over whether or not they've actually gotten to the US (which they won't).  (Of everything that I have sent from Guatemala to the US in the last 8 years--only the last 4.25 which I have lived here consecutively--only two pieces of mail have ever arrived to the US.)


    @Maggie0829, I replied to that up above when I replied to mlg78, but additionally, I had randomly mentioned to a few people that we were considering early June.  Very few people would actually know that we're "moving it up."  Due to my fiance's job, it's hard to plan anything very far in advance; so I wasn't going to give anyone a date until we had actually set one.  My mother knew the rough timeframe--as did some people who were going to be around anyway--because we were trying to fit it around her schedule.  Besides family--who I know probably wouldn't be able to come anyway--I have very few people I'm inviting from the States. (4 couples, if I remember the list correctly.)
  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited December 2014
    @CMGragain, you should check out the "not yet engaged" forums.  They're full of people telling others to do what they want and not care about the consequences.  

    Yes, and they are WRONG, WRONG, WRONG!!!!  Any etiquette book will tell you so.

    It is your day and you can do what you want - until you invite guests.  Then you must follow the rules of common etiquette. 
    You are not required to invite ANYONE to your wedding, but if you do, then do it properly.  It won't be your fault if the invitations are "lost" in the mail.  I would label the outside package "Wedding invitations" in Spanish.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
    MairePoppyPrettyGirlLost
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited December 2014

    You could sit down right now and hand write a proper invitation to each of your four guests in the states. There's no etiquette rule that says you have to have them printed. If you believe they won't arrive at least 6 weeks before your wedding, call those four people, now, and tell them they will be receiving the invitations.

    If you wanted to be told to do whatever you want, you should have asked on that other board.

                       
    CMGragainPrettyGirlLost
  • CMGragain said:
    @CMGragain, you should check out the "not yet engaged" forums.  They're full of people telling others to do what they want and not care about the consequences.  

    Yes, and they are WRONG, WRONG, WRONG!!!!  Any etiquette book will tell you so.

    It is your day and you can do what you want - until you invite guests.  Then you must follow the rules of common etiquette. 
    You are not required to invite ANYONE to your wedding, but if you do, then do it properly.  It won't be your fault if the invitations are "lost" in the mail.  I would label the outside package "Wedding invitations" in Spanish.
    I agree that they are wrong.  And writing "wedding invitations" on the outside of the package would be a good way to get a lot of evil doers to show up on my big day (and still not have anyone come to the wedding).


    lyndausvi said:
    I don't want to be mean here, but what is the point of even inviting a bunch of people to an out-of-the-country wedding with only a few weeks notice?  

    I don't care if you called, emailed or paper, my response would be all WTF?  Thanks for the few week notice?   Do you only want a gift from me?     And I'm one who travels, on short notice too.  But deciding on Jan 10th you might get married in Feb is not a lot of time for your state sides guests even if you called them.     Vacation time is only part of it, you have to get tickets, find hotels, maybe get a passport.   

    I would just cut your list to the bare minimum (i.e parents and siblings) and contact those people ASAP that there might be a possibility that you are moving the wedding up.   Send the others an announcement AFTER the wedding.
    You're not being mean.  Don't worry. :)  My reasoning is that I would hate it if someone I cared about got married and thought to throw it out to me afterward that they had done so.  I would feel like I wasn't important enough to them to be invited to their wedding regardless of how much notice I had.  If you were important to me and you invited me to your wedding the day before, I would do my best to be there, and if I couldn't make it, I'd say I was sorry I couldn't make it but wish them a wonderful future together.  Not inviting me to your wedding is like saying "Sorry, but you're not as important to me as you thought I was."

    As for being gift grabby, excuse me?  I'm not paying shipping for whatever gifts people think to buy for me; so they'd just rot at my parents' house in the US.  Unfortunately, for most of us older singles, we've already been living on our own long enough that we don't need anything.  My aunt--who, as with many of my relatives, can't make it for health reasons--is already going together with my other aunts and uncles to buy my fiance and I a house so I can stop renting.  Other than that, I have all the furniture and appliances I could ever need.  I don't need stuff cluttering up my life.




    As for everyone's comments about the age, our original plan still has be being older as I was born in late June.  We'd have to wait another month or two over that for it to be convenient for people.  BUT that's right in the middle of my busiest work season...when I essentially make all the money to pay my rent for the rest of the year.  Depending on when we find the correct house for our needs, I might still need that rent money.  We're moving it up because we want to be married, and the only person from the US who might come can come at any time (since I'm her daughter), but this time is the most convenient for her.
  • mlg78mlg78 member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    edited December 2014


    amsimmer said:
     As for being gift grabby, excuse me?  I'm not paying shipping for whatever gifts people think to buy for me; so they'd just rot at my parents' house in the US.  Unfortunately, for most of us older singles, we've already been living on our own long enough that we don't need anything.  My aunt--who, as with many of my relatives, can't make it for health reasons--is already going together with my other aunts and uncles to buy my fiance and I a house so I can stop renting.  Other than that, I have all the furniture and appliances I could ever need.  I don't need stuff cluttering up my life.
    I'm pretty sure many people invited to a wedding like this would send money, not a physical gift, to avoid shipping costs...so yes, it's gift grabby.


  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold bend over and I'll show ya mod
    Moderator 5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its
    When my wedding was moved up, I simply called everyone, told then of the change in plans and informed them of the new date, location and time. There was no time for mail. Although, when our wedding was changes, it was so people could attend, not so they couldn't.
    Image result for someecard betting someone half your shit youll love them forever
  • If you invited me to an overseas wedding on 4 weeks notice, I'd assume you were an inconsiderate jerk who didn't care if I came. Because the way you show consideration for people you invite to something is by giving them enough time to actually go if they want.

    Not wanting to be older than him on the marriage cert is a stupid selfish thing to consider. Just elope if you don't care if people come.
    PrettyGirlLostslothiegal
  • wrigleyvillewrigleyville Chicago member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    Everyone already knows you're older than him, and it's not like you carry your marriage license everywhere, so this is really, really stupid. Why on earth do you care if you're the same age on a piece of paper that no one ever sees besides you and him? 

    If you have issues with being older than him, moving your wedding date up so your license shows you're the same age isn't going to "fix" that issue. You need to get over it and accept it.

    PrettyGirlLostslothiegal
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer

    amsimmer said:
    @mlg78
    We're moving it up for a variety of reasons.  First of all, my fiance feels that we might as well start our lives together now rather than in June.  It wasn't a case of cold feet on his part, but more of just wanting to pick a convenient time for more people.  Here they put your ages on the marriage certificate, and I didn't want to be listed as older than him; so we can only get married between November and June.  (I'm 5 months older.)  So, we were squeezing it in to early June when my mother--the only family member I expect to come--was out of work.  (She's a teacher.)  One of my best friends--who I would have as maid of honor if they did that sort of stuff here--already confirmed that she did not share schedule compatibility with my mother.  However, my mother already stated that she had a vacation in February as well.

    There was also the financial situation of the groom having to pay for everything.  My parents always told me that they would give me $5k to help with wedding expenses, but the fiance won't accept their money saying that it's his responsibility.  He didn't feel that he would be able to have that money until June, but due to a bit of luck and a few sales we have found, it's financially possible to have the wedding sooner.

    I've known I was going to marry him for 3.5 years now; so while another 4 months wouldn't be any big deal to me, I already feel like I've waited long enough and want to start our life together as well.
    This is one of the most stupid and vain things I have read on these boards. . .

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


    slothiegalwrigleyville
  • edited December 2014
    Something weird is happening when I try quote for some reason, but I don't get the age thing at all - what does it matter if you're listed as older than him on the marriage certificate?? I am several years older than my fiance so I fail to see the relevance of this. 
    MairePoppy
  • Wait until after your fiances birthday. Then you will be the same age and you can send invitations in time.
    image
    MairePoppy
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited December 2014
    amsimmer said:
    @CMGragain, you should check out the "not yet engaged" forums.  They're full of people telling others to do what they want and not care about the consequences.  

    The problem with ordering them locally and addressing them myself and mailing them to her is that, although they would be cheaper, they would probably never arrive at her house.  So, since they'll either get lost in the mail or never be bought, addressed, and sent, I'm not seeing a difference except that I'll waste my time and money as well as stress over whether or not they've actually gotten to the US (which they won't).  (Of everything that I have sent from Guatemala to the US in the last 8 years--only the last 4.25 which I have lived here consecutively--only two pieces of mail have ever arrived to the US.)


    @Maggie0829, I replied to that up above when I replied to mlg78, but additionally, I had randomly mentioned to a few people that we were considering early June.  Very few people would actually know that we're "moving it up."  Due to my fiance's job, it's hard to plan anything very far in advance; so I wasn't going to give anyone a date until we had actually set one.  My mother knew the rough timeframe--as did some people who were going to be around anyway--because we were trying to fit it around her schedule.  Besides family--who I know probably wouldn't be able to come anyway--I have very few people I'm inviting from the States. (4 couples, if I remember the list correctly.)
    It doesn't matter if people know you are moving it up or not.  What people will only see is that you are inviting them to a DW with maybe 3-4 weeks notice.  Basically it will come across that you really don't care if they attend or not which is not how people want to feel when they are invited to a wedding.


    amsimmer said:

    As for everyone's comments about the age, our original plan still has be being older as I was born in late June.  We'd have to wait another month or two over that for it to be convenient for people.  BUT that's right in the middle of my busiest work season...when I essentially make all the money to pay my rent for the rest of the year.  Depending on when we find the correct house for our needs, I might still need that rent money.  We're moving it up because we want to be married, and the only person from the US who might come can come at any time (since I'm her daughter), but this time is the most convenient for her.
    ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Then get married now and keep the wedding to immediate family only.  Honestly by wanting to get married so soon and knowing that most OOT guests won't come because of the lack of notice then why even bother inviting those people?

  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    amsimmer said:
    CMGragain said:
    @CMGragain, you should check out the "not yet engaged" forums.  They're full of people telling others to do what they want and not care about the consequences.  

    Yes, and they are WRONG, WRONG, WRONG!!!!  Any etiquette book will tell you so.

    It is your day and you can do what you want - until you invite guests.  Then you must follow the rules of common etiquette. 
    You are not required to invite ANYONE to your wedding, but if you do, then do it properly.  It won't be your fault if the invitations are "lost" in the mail.  I would label the outside package "Wedding invitations" in Spanish.
    I agree that they are wrong.  And writing "wedding invitations" on the outside of the package would be a good way to get a lot of evil doers to show up on my big day (and still not have anyone come to the wedding).


    lyndausvi said:
    I don't want to be mean here, but what is the point of even inviting a bunch of people to an out-of-the-country wedding with only a few weeks notice?  

    I don't care if you called, emailed or paper, my response would be all WTF?  Thanks for the few week notice?   Do you only want a gift from me?     And I'm one who travels, on short notice too.  But deciding on Jan 10th you might get married in Feb is not a lot of time for your state sides guests even if you called them.     Vacation time is only part of it, you have to get tickets, find hotels, maybe get a passport.   

    I would just cut your list to the bare minimum (i.e parents and siblings) and contact those people ASAP that there might be a possibility that you are moving the wedding up.   Send the others an announcement AFTER the wedding.
    You're not being mean.  Don't worry. :)  My reasoning is that I would hate it if someone I cared about got married and thought to throw it out to me afterward that they had done so.  I would feel like I wasn't important enough to them to be invited to their wedding regardless of how much notice I had.  If you were important to me and you invited me to your wedding the day before, I would do my best to be there, and if I couldn't make it, I'd say I was sorry I couldn't make it but wish them a wonderful future together.  Not inviting me to your wedding is like saying "Sorry, but you're not as important to me as you thought I was."

    As for being gift grabby, excuse me?  I'm not paying shipping for whatever gifts people think to buy for me; so they'd just rot at my parents' house in the US.  Unfortunately, for most of us older singles, we've already been living on our own long enough that we don't need anything.  My aunt--who, as with many of my relatives, can't make it for health reasons--is already going together with my other aunts and uncles to buy my fiance and I a house so I can stop renting.  Other than that, I have all the furniture and appliances I could ever need.  I don't need stuff cluttering up my life.




    As for everyone's comments about the age, our original plan still has be being older as I was born in late June.  We'd have to wait another month or two over that for it to be convenient for people.  BUT that's right in the middle of my busiest work season...when I essentially make all the money to pay my rent for the rest of the year.  Depending on when we find the correct house for our needs, I might still need that rent money.  We're moving it up because we want to be married, and the only person from the US who might come can come at any time (since I'm her daughter), but this time is the most convenient for her.
    Psst.    You are indeed older than your FI, stop pretending that getting married a certain time of year is going to change that fact.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
    slothiegal
  • photokittyphotokitty where I want to be mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited December 2014
    I'm not going to elaborate on my opinion on planning a wedding around an age rather than guests, other than saying it is ridiculous.

    Here's my suggestion. Don't invite anyone in the USA but your mother to the wedding. Order wedding announcements prior to mom arriving, address them and send them back on the plane with mom for her to mail when she lands. As long as they are sent out within a week or two of the wedding I'd let it slide. Don't register, don't mention gifts. If it's not about gifts then you will still have informed everyone of the you wedding and included them in your joy with the announcement, without being gift grabby.
    :kiss: ~xoxo~ :kiss:

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