MIL wants us to allow ALL family members at the wedding

Re: MIL wants us to allow ALL family members at the wedding

• Jen4948 member

  

  January 2015

  Is your FMIL paying? If so, she does get some say in the guest list, but she doesn't get to push you over capacity or prevent you from inviting the people you really want there.
  
  Don't give her any invitations that she can send or give to anyone.
  
  And unfortunately, your FMIL has put your FI in the position of having to tell anyone who says that they're looking forward to attending that unfortunately the two of you couldn't invite everyone you wanted, and to turn away uninvited guests who just show up. Have security on hand.

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• huskypuppy14 member

  

  January 2015 edited January 2015

  She said her and her FI are paying.

  
  

  Make sure you have assigned seating, because it will be obvious that these random guests will have no where to sit. Have your FI tell your FMIL that people won't be fed if they are not an invited guest.

  
  

  Also, have your invitations gone out yet? 90 days out, I'm assuming you haven't sent them yet, so when people don't get an invite they shouldn't come. 

  
  

  Your FMIL sounds nuts.

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

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• TheWebbs2015 member

  

  January 2015

  Actually putting invites together today. The goal is to get them out within the next week or two. I hope once the invitations go out some of the madness will cease. Also, the family is hosting a pre-wedding celebration for us in my FMILs hometown. I hope that people will attend that and that will placate those who want to be involved with the wedding.

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• [Deleted User] member

  

  January 2015 edited June 2015

  
  

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• AddieCake member

  

  January 2015

  Ditto PPs. And your fiance needs to tell his mother to zip it.

  What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14

  

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• NYCMercedes member

  

  January 2015

  TheWebbs2015 said:

  Actually putting invites together today. The goal is to get them out within the next week or two. I hope once the invitations go out some of the madness will cease. Also, the family is hosting a pre-wedding celebration for us in my FMILs hometown. I hope that people will attend that and that will placate those who want to be involved with the wedding.

  
  His family is hosting a pre-wedding party and inviting people not on your wedding guest list? You've got a couple problems. I'm sorry.

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• indianaalum member

  

  January 2015

  TheWebbs2015 said:

  Actually putting invites together today. The goal is to get them out within the next week or two. I hope once the invitations go out some of the madness will cease. Also, the family is hosting a pre-wedding celebration for us in my FMILs hometown. I hope that people will attend that and that will placate those who want to be involved with the wedding.

  everybody invited to a "pre-weddingg" celebration must be also invited to wedding. 

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• esstee33 member

  

  January 2015 edited January 2015

  TheWebbs2015 said: Actually putting invites together today. The goal is to get them out within the next week or two. I hope once the invitations go out some of the madness will cease. Also, the family is hosting a pre-wedding celebration for us in my FMILs hometown. I hope that people will attend that and that will placate those who want to be involved with the wedding.
  ******Ugh, boxes*******
  
  Ohhhh, your FI needs to be putting a stop to this ASAP. It's very rude to invite people to pre-wedding events and then not invite them to the wedding. It's not a good compromise, and it could very easily lead those people to believe that they are invited to the wedding. 

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• SP29 member

  

  January 2015 edited January 2015

  First off, no you should not feel guilty for not inviting every family member your MIL can get a hold of. 

  
  

  As for your reception, I recommend assigned seating (or at least tables). If anyone shows up uninvited it's on them (and MIL) if there is no chair to sit in or plate to eat.

  
  

  I would have your FI tell his mother that you've been receiving these notes and at least let her know that no, you are unable to host everyone and she needs to stop inviting people because if they show up there will not be a place for them to sit and eat. It may not stop her, but at least you've said your piece. If these notes keep coming you (or FI since it's his family) should reply to the writer, "I am sorry if MIL gave you the impression that you were invited to the wedding, but we are unable to invite everyone we would like". 

  
  

  Biggest rule with dealing with people who assume they are coming to an event, or want to bring others, is do not try to explain yourself or provide a reason why- that only opens up the dialogue for that person to provide you with a "solution". 

  
  

  Ceremony is a bit harder, of course it is still rude of the uninvited guest to show up, but I may worry that if a bunch of uninvited family shows up your invited guests may lose out on seats. Ushers or a DOC with a guest list may be required if you are very worried this will actually happen.

  
  

  If one is having a pre-wedding celebration (such as engagement party, shower, etc), those guests should be invited to the wedding. However, afterwards, there is nothing saying your MIL can't host a party of her own to say "meet my new DIL"- as long as it is not a reenactment of anything wedding. 

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• TheWebbs2015 member

  

  January 2015 edited January 2015

  The pre-wedding celebration is more of a "meet my future DIL". There are a lot of elderly people and people that cannot/will not travel to the wedding that will be attending this event. The in laws are in TN, my family is in TX and we live in AR. They are just people wanting to wish us well and I don't see a problem with that especially if it keeps the peace with my FMIL.

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• banana468 member

  

  January 2015

  TheWebbs2015 said:

  The pre-wedding celebration is more of a "meet my future DIL". There are a lot of elderly people and people that cannot/will not not travel to the wedding that will be attending this event. The in laws are in TN, my family is in TX and we live in AR. They are just people wanting to wish us well and I don't see a problem with that especially if it keeps the peace with my FMIL.

  The problem is that it's rude to make it a wedding related celebration if there are guests invited that aren't invited to the wedding. Add that to your FMIL's desires and it's rude plus a recipe for disaster.

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• TheWebbs2015 member

  

  January 2015

  Thanks for all the suggestions. Unfortunately, the "pre-wedding" celebration was done without any input from me. I've decided that we will have to do multiple things to try to handle uninvited guests and I appreciate the great ideas. It'll require more work than I planned to do at this phase of the planning but I'm willing to do it so our wedding isn't a fiasco.

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• rcher912 member

  

  January 2015

  I agree that it's generally rude not to invite guests that were invited to a pre-celebration, but in this case - and in some small-town cultures - I actually think it does make sense. This is exactly what one PP recommended, it just happens to occur before the date instead of after. It's organized, paid for, and run by FMIL with seemingly very little input from OP, so I think most people will realize that. Or hopefully they will.

  
  

  I still say with get FI to contact his close buds and gossips in the fam to spread the word that FMIL is kind of saying things that aren't totally true, and encourage them to attend this shindig instead.

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• tammym1001 member

  

  January 2015

  I had this problem with my grandmother inviting everyone in the family that I hadn't invited. She even gave them all the date and time information. I only found out because one person contacted me to let me know they couldn't wait to see me get married. I explained the situation to that one person and then I told my grandmother that she needed to tell everyone that she gave our wedding information to that they weren't invited and if they showed up there would be no seat for them. I hired a DOC and had assigned seating. She was given firm instructions that anyone without an escort card be asked to leave. I know it sounds harsh, but we didn't have the room to host a bunch of additional people that we never invited. Luckily, my grandmother must have been able to get the message out because no uninvited guests showed up.

  
  

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• speakeasy14 member

  

  January 2015 edited January 2015

  The assigned seating suggestions are good, but if people are rude enough to show up without an invitation, assigned seats will not matter.  I've been to a few weddings that this happened and none of those guests left the seats they took.  The venue had to step in each time to handle the obstacle. I would share the guest list and seating chart (assigned seating) with your venue, so they are prepared in advance and can handle the non-invited guests.

  
  

  *Eta grammar is hard. 
  

  
  

  
  

  

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