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Chit Chat

Just a Little Vent...

My mother is upset that my wedding dress is so expensive and about to be more expensive when we get alterations done. We paid a little over $400 for the dress, which I found to be fairly inexpensive for a bridal gown after shopping around. 

Originally FMIL was going to do the alterations (she was a seamstress) but she recently said that she doesn't think she can do it and generously offered to pay for alterations. I don't know how much more the alterations will be exactly but when we picked up the dress, the alterations manager came out, told us what needed to be done and quoted somewhere between $150 and $200 which I'm sure we can negotiate a little bit by skipping on stuff like attaching bra cups and only going for what is really necessary.

My mother made it clear that she feels that I already spent too much on my dress, saying that she found other beautiful bridal gowns for around $200 online and that I should have gotten one of those when I got the dress but I responded "well, FI and I decided it would be better to spend a bit more on a dress that I've actually tried on and liked than risk ordering online, not liking it and then not being able to return it." She agreed and let it be. 

Now that she's gotten her dress (an evening gown for nearly $200 itself) and I need to schedule appointments for alterations, the topic's come up again and she keeps saying that I should have gotten a cheaper dress online, that her dress was less than $200 so why couldn't I settle for one in that price range too, that I should just skip the alterations all together. Well, that'd be all well and good but it's a strapless dress that's too big and too long for me; to skip out on alterations would basically mean that I will likely trip on the dress when I try to walk, but not before it slips off entirely and I go down the aisle in my underthings. I'm pretty sure that even if I had gotten a $200 wedding dress, it'd have to be altered too; and I feel like it's a little unfair to compare the price of your evening gown to the price of a bridal gown or to be angry that your daughter's bridal gown is more expensive than your evening gown.

So I'm a little upset and stressed out by this. I don't know what she wants from me at this point. Skipping out on alterations isn't going to be good for my safety, the dress or my dignity as I wouldn't want to walk the aisle or do my first dance trying to keep the dress from coming off; and I don't think I can return the dress and buy a cheaper dress that won't need alterations. My parents knew the price of the dress before we paid for it and okayed it and they're likely not going to be paying for alterations as FMIL or else FI and I will pick up the tab on this one. 

I really just needed to vent but now I'm wondering: am I right to be a little upset by this or am I just being petty?

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Re: Just a Little Vent...

  • I would be super upset by this but there's not much you can really do besides try to stop talking about it with her.  It seems like you paid for your own dress, right?  So what the hell does she care?  I'd probably say something like, "We have already purchased the dress, I'm having it altered, and I'm happy with this decision.  The topic is closed."
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    "I'm not a rude bitch.  I'm ten rude bitches in a large coat."

  • I think you're understandably frustrated. If she said it once, fine, but I can see why you're irritated with her bringing it up again. And if she continues to do so, you can politely put the conversation to rest. Is she paying for the wedding or the dress? If not, you can tell her, "Mom, I appreciate your concern but FI and I have allocated the wedding budget as we see fit, so let's not discuss this any further." If she did pay for it and keeps complaining about the price, you could point out that she knew the price and that it's not returnable, and flat-out ask her what she would like you to do about it. She probably won't have a good answer, and then you can say there's no reason to discuss it more.
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  • Your mom has her opinion and that's fine, but I agree $400 for a wedding gown is very reasonable. If she doesn't think so then that's her deal. I would be upset too because c'mon, it's your wedding gown! If you want to splurge on something in your life (and I don't think that 400 is a terrible splurge) then I think wedding gown would fall into that category. 

    Just tell her it's done, and no way should you skip on alterations that's just ludicrous. 
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  • I don't get why she's complaining - is she the one paying for it?

    Formerly martha1818

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  • I would be super upset by this but there's not much you can really do besides try to stop talking about it with her.  It seems like you paid for your own dress, right?  So what the hell does she care?  I'd probably say something like, "We have already purchased the dress, I'm having it altered, and I'm happy with this decision.  The topic is closed."
    My parents actually paid for the dress which I was and am really grateful for. I tried to find the cheapest dress I could find in store that I really liked. Mom knew the price of the dress and okayed it before we purchased it, agreeing that I was right to spend a little bit more to get a dress that I tried on and liked than to order one and not be able to return it, so it just seems to me like she's now had a change of heart since she's bought her dress and it's a bit upsetting...

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  • I don't get why she's complaining - is she the one paying for it?
    She already paid for the gown, knowing the price of it and okaying it before actually paying for it. She will not be paying for alterations.

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  • I would be upset, too. You just need to tell her that you heard her the first 400 times she mentioned it and to zip it. But say it more like Lynda did.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • She does know that wedding gowns on average are a TON more expensive, right? I mean, I know that doesn't change the amount but has she put it into perspective at all?
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  • vulpiepop said:
    I would be super upset by this but there's not much you can really do besides try to stop talking about it with her.  It seems like you paid for your own dress, right?  So what the hell does she care?  I'd probably say something like, "We have already purchased the dress, I'm having it altered, and I'm happy with this decision.  The topic is closed."
    My parents actually paid for the dress which I was and am really grateful for. I tried to find the cheapest dress I could find in store that I really liked. Mom knew the price of the dress and okayed it before we purchased it, agreeing that I was right to spend a little bit more to get a dress that I tried on and liked than to order one and not be able to return it, so it just seems to me like she's now had a change of heart since she's bought her dress and it's a bit upsetting...
    Ah.  Okay, so it's a little harder to just tell her to shut it then.  But if she knew the price and OK'ed it.... I don't know, maybe she's having buyer's remorse?

    Can you pay for the alterations yourself?  Or even offer to pay her back for the dress if the issue really bothers her? 

    But "what do you want me to do about it?" is also a good response.  If the dress isn't returnable, there probably isn't much you can do. 
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    "I'm not a rude bitch.  I'm ten rude bitches in a large coat."

  • vulpiepop said:
    I would be super upset by this but there's not much you can really do besides try to stop talking about it with her.  It seems like you paid for your own dress, right?  So what the hell does she care?  I'd probably say something like, "We have already purchased the dress, I'm having it altered, and I'm happy with this decision.  The topic is closed."
    My parents actually paid for the dress which I was and am really grateful for. I tried to find the cheapest dress I could find in store that I really liked. Mom knew the price of the dress and okayed it before we purchased it, agreeing that I was right to spend a little bit more to get a dress that I tried on and liked than to order one and not be able to return it, so it just seems to me like she's now had a change of heart since she's bought her dress and it's a bit upsetting...
    Ah.  Okay, so it's a little harder to just tell her to shut it then.  But if she knew the price and OK'ed it.... I don't know, maybe she's having buyer's remorse?

    Can you pay for the alterations yourself?  Or even offer to pay her back for the dress if the issue really bothers her? 

    But "what do you want me to do about it?" is also a good response.  If the dress isn't returnable, there probably isn't much you can do. 
    Yeah, I guess it might be buyer's remorse. We actually offered to pay her back for the dress the first time she brought it up but she refused and dropped the subject. Either FMIL or FI and I will be paying for the alterations so she wouldn't have been paying for that to begin with.

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  • It sounds like your mother has been looking at Chinese knockoff websites.  They fool a lot of people.  Maybe if you show her some of the articles written about them on the Knot it will clear things up for her?
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  • CMGragain said:
    It sounds like your mother has been looking at Chinese knockoff websites.  They fool a lot of people.  Maybe if you show her some of the articles written about them on the Knot it will clear things up for her?
    I think you're right about that. When I was still looking, those were the kinds of links she'd send me; that and ebay which I don't trust for something so expensive.

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  • vulpiepop said:



    I don't get why she's complaining - is she the one paying for it?

    She already paid for the gown, knowing the price of it and okaying it before actually paying for it. She will not be paying for alterations.

    That's not cool that she's complaining. I'd be annoyed too. Why agree to pay something just to complain about it nonstop? If she didn't want to pay that much she should have said something, it's not like you made her offer you anything.

    Formerly martha1818

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  • I don't get why she's complaining - is she the one paying for it?
    She already paid for the gown, knowing the price of it and okaying it before actually paying for it. She will not be paying for alterations.
    That's not cool that she's complaining. I'd be annoyed too. Why agree to pay something just to complain about it nonstop? If she didn't want to pay that much she should have said something, it's not like you made her offer you anything.
    Yeah hopefully not to derail this thread too far, but both my parents have these tendencies.  My mom will drive down to visit my sister and me, then complain the entire time she's here that the gas was so expensive and now she is going to have trouble paying for groceries this week.  Well... nobody begged you to visit.  You already drove here, you already bought the gas.  Complaining won't bring that money back.
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    "I'm not a rude bitch.  I'm ten rude bitches in a large coat."

  • I bought a $200 dress online. From a reputable site actually. But the problem was not the construction of the dress. Was it the nicest fabric? No, but no one but me could really tell. It seemed to be good quality stitching. The problem was that I'm a D-cup, and even though the dress fit in other areas, it was pulling at the seams in the bust, and this dress had zero seam allowance. Also, while I loved the style on the model online, I didn't love it on me. I have curves, and I just wasn't getting "that feeling."

    So in the end I decided that I couldn't comfortably wear the dress I bought online, and I wound up buying a dress I loved for just under $1,000, which, after alterations and accesories, wound up being more like $1,200. Which, I believe, is about the average cost of a wedding gown. $400 plus alterations is a steal, but even if you had purchased a cheaper gown from a reputable site online, there was still a good chance you'd have wound up with a dress you couldn't wear, and then have to buy the $400 dress on top of THAT. 

    I'm going to try and sell the $200 dress online, but I doubt I'll make my money back, if at all. I think you and your mom made a great decision, got a great deal, and I'm sorry she's being so difficult about it. Feel free to share my story with her, but I think PPs have also given great advice. 
  • Time for mom to be shut out of any and every conversation about attire. My kids let me know when I've gone too far or have beat a dead horse yet again. You can do that too, whether nicely as Lynda said, or pulling out the checkbook as Olive said, or even sobbing and telling her she's sucked all the joy out of the dress now so shut up.
  • I don't know your relationship with your mother, but if it were mine and she kept bringing this up, I'd tell her that if she didn't drop it, I'd pay her back just to shut her up about it.
  • I got a sample dress for $450 and alterations were $125.  I was very pleased with the price considering what I saw other dresses selling for.  My friend got a dress off of one of those Chinese websites for around $200.  Her alterations were anywhere from $300-400 I think since it didn't fit properly at all.  She thought she was getting a great deal until after the alterations were done.

    If she keeps bringing it up, tell her that either you will pay her for the dress or that the conversation is closed.  
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