FI Vent - we all know it needs to happen sometimes

porkchops926 · January 2015

Let me preface this by saying I love him dearly and he is my best friend but sometimes I just want to strangle him.

So a little backstory, our wedding is in 9 months. I was about 40 lbs overweight roughly 5 years ago, I lost 30 of it on my own with mostly diet. FI and I are small-ish but still a little "soft" and would ideally like to take off another 10-15 before the wedding. I have started a rigorous (for me) exercise routine and stick to it every day, along with a food journal. Of course, I allow myself a cheat day once in a while because I'm not a machine, but I try not to go overboard. Problem is, FI wants to lose weight as well around the middle (there's not much but some) but shows no willpower or self control.

He has this thing where the food he eats always has to be something he's craving or in the mood for, and be delicious. He has said to me before that he could get hit by a car or something like that any time, and that if that happens he wants the last meal he ate to be satisfying. I think this is completely nuts, but whatever.

However, now that I'm trying to find healthier meals to make or substitutions, he always says he doesn't like it, or vetoes it, or wants to add things to the recipe to make it tastier that end up making it not a healthy meal at all. To add to this he has a sensitive stomach and he just called saying the quinoa recipe (which I put 2 fried eggs on his to appease him) I made last night didn't agree with him, can we have something else for dinner. I find it hard to completely go with this since the guy manages to down 2 1 lb. cheesesteaks a week from D'Angelo's with no problem. He wants us to eat together and have the same food so I've been going along but I've gained weight by going along with what he wants to eat. Plus he'll eat what he wants and then stare in the mirror and says that he feels self-conscious about how he looks. I've tried to explain to him that dieting and losing weight is not fun and a sacrifice and this "always delicious what I'm craving thing" has to fly out the fucking window sometimes.

I'm at the point where I'm just saying you do you and I'll do me. If you don't like what I make for dinner get your cheesesteak. Problem solved.

Ugh. Sorry for the long vent. It just needs to happen sometimes. Anyone else have a FI or DH vent they need to get off their chest?

AddieCake · January 2015

I would definitely tell him that you are going to do your own thing as far as meals. If you are trying to lose weight, and the food he wants to eat is sabotaging that, it's not fair to you.

JCbride2015 · January 2015

It sounds like he doesn't actively want to lose weight. Which is fine (or should be). Just tell him you want to go your own way with your diet and he is free to make something else if he wants it.

porkchops926 · January 2015

I completely agree. I guess I just needed to get the whole thing off my chest. I know that what he's doing is kind of ridiculous. I guess I'm just annoyed that he doesn't like how he looks but doesn't see the problem in always eating what he craves and then sitting on the couch playing video games.

Dude, Shadow of Mordor is not cardio.

EDIT: To be fair I don't really think he needs to lose weight at all. But he's obsessive about having washboard abs. I'm just trying to be somewhat helpful and say "Hey FI, this isn't the way to do it" because he gets seriously upset about it. But if he doesn't want to eat better then there's nothing I can really do. I'm not going to nag him. I just tell him I think he looks great and he can make the health decisions himself.

larrygaga · January 2015

My fi is the same way although he's very athletic and fit. He just needs more to eat I think. I make a tossed salad every night and fill my plate with more of that and less of bad food he likes.

doeydo · January 2015

porkchops926 said:

I completely agree. I guess I just needed to get the whole thing off my chest. I know that what he's doing is kind of ridiculous. I guess I'm just annoyed that he doesn't like how he looks but doesn't see the problem in always eating what he craves and then sitting on the couch playing video games.

Dude, Shadow of Mordor is not cardio.

EDIT: To be fair I don't really think he needs to lose weight at all. But he's obsessive about having washboard abs. I'm just trying to be somewhat helpful and say "Hey FI, this isn't the way to do it" because he gets seriously upset about it. But if he doesn't want to eat better then there's nothing I can really do. I'm not going to nag him. I just tell him I think he looks great and he can make the health decisions himself.

Speaking as a chubby person, I would not like to have my partner say anything about my weight or telling me the right way to lose weight (unless I was doing something that was drastically putting my health in danger). Yes, some chubby people complain about their weight and dream about looking "better" but do not actually want to do anything about losing weight. That is okay. As silly as it sounds, body positive blogs helped me to accept my body, maybe he could check that out? You can be both fat and beautiful/handsome.

porkchops926 · January 2015

doeydo said:

porkchops926 said:

I completely agree. I guess I just needed to get the whole thing off my chest. I know that what he's doing is kind of ridiculous. I guess I'm just annoyed that he doesn't like how he looks but doesn't see the problem in always eating what he craves and then sitting on the couch playing video games.

Dude, Shadow of Mordor is not cardio.

EDIT: To be fair I don't really think he needs to lose weight at all. But he's obsessive about having washboard abs. I'm just trying to be somewhat helpful and say "Hey FI, this isn't the way to do it" because he gets seriously upset about it. But if he doesn't want to eat better then there's nothing I can really do. I'm not going to nag him. I just tell him I think he looks great and he can make the health decisions himself.

Speaking as a chubby person, I would not like to have my partner say anything about my weight or telling me the right way to lose weight (unless I was doing something that was drastically putting my health in danger). Yes, some chubby people complain about their weight and dream about looking "better" but do not actually want to do anything about losing weight. That is okay. As silly as it sounds, body positive blogs helped me to accept my body, maybe he could check that out? You can be both fat and beautiful/handsome.

I think you're right @doeydo . Let me clarify: I never told him he needs to lose weight and I don't bug him about it at all. He's really pretty thin and fit and I tell him he looks great. It's just him that obsesses about this little bit around his middle. This whole time I've been providing the food he wants. I just get annoyed sometimes that he says he desperately wants to get rid of it, and then also wants me to go along with his cheesesteak eating regime and tell him that it's not too many calories.

charlottesmom0626 · January 2015

This is my life. I've lost 25lbs, trying to lose 10 more.

FI bitched and bitched that he looked fat in our engagement photos but won't do anything about it.

I invite him to come with me to the gym, he declines. I suggest maybe he shouldn't drink 5 cans of soda a day; you know for his HEALTH, and he gets upset.

He is on his own for breakfast and lunch, but I currently do is cook a healthy dinner. I don't mean a kale salad with plain grilled chicken though, healthy tasty meals in the crockpot, that he will eat.. but will usually also eat chips, a second serving of dinner, and additional food after. I'm on the "you do you train"

I do the food shopping though, so I don't buy junk which helps- if he has to go out to the store to buy his own junk food he often doesn't go.

lyndausvi · January 2015

DH and I rarely eat the same meal. Of course he works most nights, but even when we are together more often then not our meals are different.

We try and have some of the same things like he will make fried rice, but I will pair it with filet and he will pair it with shrimp. Or I will eat tuna while he eats salmon (I hate salmon). But sometimes I will just eat a salad and he eats a pizza. NBD.

People have different needs when it comes to food. I do not believe that couples are required to eat the same foods all the time.

That said, that doesn't mean the primary cook of the family is required to make separate meals every day. If the non-cook wants something else then they are on their own. Or do what DH and I do try to have a few items the same, but switch out other items like the type of protein or a side.

abbyj700 · January 2015

Get a better relationship with healthy eating!

You're saying that eating healthy and being active isn't fun and you have to give up tasty food? Find fun ways to lose weight and tasty recipes that are healthy. If FI sees you doing this - maybe he'll start doing it too.

He likes Cheesesteaks? Guess what - you can buy leaner meat and cook them at home with less oil, less meat, more veggies, healthier cheese and perhaps even no bun. You both can still have food you love and live a healthier life style!

I say this as someone who has lived it. And I'm sure you have to. I just saw your sentences about explaining to him that dieting is no fun- and I had to say I respectfully disagree!

I use sparkpeople.com for my fun changes in life. And one of my favorite blog writers is "Brooke Not on a Diet" - who doesn't consider her healthy changes a diet and still has managed to lose over 150 lbs!

chibiyui · January 2015

My H is similar. To make things worse, when I've been on good kicks (watching what I eat, exercising, etc) he'll be like " let's go get wings and cheese fries" or ask if I want a mudslides, or bring home tiramisu cause he knows I like it. I know he means well, but dude stop it please.

I think separate meals is a good idea for you.

My vent is that H has been mopey this holiday season. I've asked what I can do to help and the answer is basically drop everything and pamper him a day or two. Which, fine, but it's kinda hard for me to drop everything during our busy season at work and with family from states away visiting.

Maggie0829 · January 2015

Sorry but I am with your FI on the whole "if I am going to eat something I want it to be something tasty and that I will enjoy" because why the hell would I want to eat something that I do not like and that is boring?

At this point it may be best to just ignore your FI complaints about his weight until he comes to you and asks for help. My H complains about his weight all the time as well, but I can't force him to do anything. I have tried to help but after a while it is just too tiring to keep trying when I can see that he is not.

So I think that you need to do you and make your own separate meals. No sense pushing someone to do something when they obviously don't want to, no matter the large amount of complaining they are doing.

esstee33 · January 2015

porkchops926 said:

doeydo said:

porkchops926 said:

I completely agree. I guess I just needed to get the whole thing off my chest. I know that what he's doing is kind of ridiculous. I guess I'm just annoyed that he doesn't like how he looks but doesn't see the problem in always eating what he craves and then sitting on the couch playing video games.

Dude, Shadow of Mordor is not cardio.

EDIT: To be fair I don't really think he needs to lose weight at all. But he's obsessive about having washboard abs. I'm just trying to be somewhat helpful and say "Hey FI, this isn't the way to do it" because he gets seriously upset about it. But if he doesn't want to eat better then there's nothing I can really do. I'm not going to nag him. I just tell him I think he looks great and he can make the health decisions himself.

Speaking as a chubby person, I would not like to have my partner say anything about my weight or telling me the right way to lose weight (unless I was doing something that was drastically putting my health in danger). Yes, some chubby people complain about their weight and dream about looking "better" but do not actually want to do anything about losing weight. That is okay. As silly as it sounds, body positive blogs helped me to accept my body, maybe he could check that out? You can be both fat and beautiful/handsome.

I think you're right @doeydo . Let me clarify: I never told him he needs to lose weight and I don't bug him about it at all. He's really pretty thin and fit and I tell him he looks great. It's just him that obsesses about this little bit around his middle. This whole time I've been providing the food he wants. I just get annoyed sometimes that he says he desperately wants to get rid of it, and then also wants me to go along with his cheesesteak eating regime and tell him that it's not too many calories.

You are not responsible for blowing sunshine up his ass. If he wants to believe that cheesesteaks are a normal part of a healthy diet, that's on him. If he actually wants to lose the weight, he needs to get in touch with reality and do the work for it.

blabla89 · January 2015

If you're the one doing the meal planning and cooking, then make what you want. Take what he likes into account, but don't feel like you have to make what he wants all the time. Let him know that if it's not to his liking, he can cook something else for himself.

As far as the cravings go, I have the same issue. I find that weekly meal planning and grocery shopping helps me commit to eating healthy rather than eating whatever unhealthy stuff I'm in the mood for. Maybe you could try including your FI in the planning to some degree, by asking what he's in the mood for this week, then compromise on something healthy that sounds good to him.

porkchops926 · January 2015

Thanks for the advice ladies. I do have to just call it a day and do my own thing. I have tried with healthy, tasty options with him, but I don't think I can really express how picky he is. He only likes his specific favorites. Anything changes, then it's not what his "ideal meal" is.

So that's that, like esstee said, it's not my job to blow sunshine up his ass nor is it my job to police him.

decembergrl2014 · January 2015

H and I are always trying to lose weight, and between the wedding and the holidays we've both put some on. If you and your FI prefer to make your own meals there is nothing wrong with that. This way you can stick to your goals, and he can eat what he wants. Although H cooks, I cook the majority of the time. I always use this website for cooking: www.skinnytaste.com H is hooked on it too. They have great recipes that are healthy and taste great. Right now I'm making soup with turkey meatballs, tortellini and spinach.

porkchops926 · January 2015

decembergrl2014 said:

H and I are always trying to lose weight, and between the wedding and the holidays we've both put some on. If you and your FI prefer to make your own meals there is nothing wrong with that. This way you can stick to your goals, and he can eat what he wants. Although H cooks, I cook the majority of the time. I always use this website for cooking: www.skinnytaste.com H is hooked on it too. They have great recipes that are healthy and taste great. Right now I'm making soup with turkey meatballs, tortellini and spinach.

Wow, thanks so much for that! I just checked it out and it looks really good. This is a valuable resource for myself at least.

decembergrl2014 · January 2015

No problem! I hope you enjoy it! :-)

esstee33 · January 2015

porkchops926 said:

decembergrl2014 said:

H and I are always trying to lose weight, and between the wedding and the holidays we've both put some on. If you and your FI prefer to make your own meals there is nothing wrong with that. This way you can stick to your goals, and he can eat what he wants. Although H cooks, I cook the majority of the time. I always use this website for cooking: www.skinnytaste.com H is hooked on it too. They have great recipes that are healthy and taste great. Right now I'm making soup with turkey meatballs, tortellini and spinach.

Wow, thanks so much for that! I just checked it out and it looks really good. This is a valuable resource for myself at least.

Oh, I'll back up that recommendation. Her recipes are SO GOOD. She has this cajun chicken pasta dish that FI loses his damn mind about.

abbyj700 · January 2015

decembergrl2014 said:

H and I are always trying to lose weight, and between the wedding and the holidays we've both put some on. If you and your FI prefer to make your own meals there is nothing wrong with that. This way you can stick to your goals, and he can eat what he wants. Although H cooks, I cook the majority of the time. I always use this website for cooking: www.skinnytaste.com H is hooked on it too. They have great recipes that are healthy and taste great. Right now I'm making soup with turkey meatballs, tortellini and spinach.

Ohhhhh that site makes me want to use my new mandolin to make zoodles....

Weesh · January 2015

Skinnytaste is awesome. Her website/blog has awesome recipes that my husband doesn't even realize are healthy for him. I also like that her ingredients are relatively simple for most recipes and don't involve tons of low-fat items that are usually gross and more expensive. I'd rather eat better food than that stuff. Her cookbook is awesome too, I bought it before Christmas and she has some of her old favorites from her website but new recipes that are delicious and easy to make.

Chances are with these recipes, he won't want to change or alter them while you're making them. That's frustrating when you're trying to eat healthier and that would make me crazy because I'm not a good cook, and I really need to follow the directions closely in order not to fuck things up.

I agree with PP's in that maybe you should do your own thing for a little while and see how it goes. He might realize that he would rather cook/eat together versus eating junk on his own.

porkchops926 · January 2015

Well after everyone's recommendations about skinnytaste I might give it one more try and cook it while he's at work the next time I have a chance. Maybe I can fool him. Ha!

I'm like you @Weesh I'm not the best cook and need to follow the recipe exactly.

plainjane0415 · January 2015

OP, your FI is just like mine! The comment he makes all the time is "I need to lose 30 pounds by tomorrow". But, he doesn't want to try new things, where food is concerned, and anything remotely healthy that I make he doesn't like. He's a super picky eater too which makes things worse!

I have just came to the conclusion that he isn't serious about losing weight, and until he is, there's nothing I can do about it. So in the mean time, I have to watch him eat burgers and chicken tenders, and listen to him say "I'm so fat". Until he makes that choice for himself, there's nothing I can do to fix it.

I'm with the PP's suggestions of fix what you want to eat, and if he doesn't like that, then he is on his own. He may after a while just give in because he doesn't want to fix his own food or whatever. I too HIGHLY recommend skinnytaste. Tons of great recipes there!

esstee33 · January 2015

These are sooooooo delicious and should satisfy burger-type dudes pretty easily: http://www.skinnytaste.com/2008/12/skinny-italian-meatballs-turkey-1-pt.html

I make them all the time. Sometimes I do eat them with pasta, but typically I just make the meatballs a little bigger than she suggests and then eat them by themselves with a veggie side dish. FI doesn't really eat pasta and I'm mostly too lazy to make anything else by the time I've formed all these meatballs.

sophhabobopha · January 2015

porkchops926 said:

decembergrl2014 said:

H and I are always trying to lose weight, and between the wedding and the holidays we've both put some on. If you and your FI prefer to make your own meals there is nothing wrong with that. This way you can stick to your goals, and he can eat what he wants. Although H cooks, I cook the majority of the time. I always use this website for cooking: www.skinnytaste.com H is hooked on it too. They have great recipes that are healthy and taste great. Right now I'm making soup with turkey meatballs, tortellini and spinach.

Wow, thanks so much for that! I just checked it out and it looks really good. This is a valuable resource for myself at least.

Yes thanks! Bookmarked!

rcher912 · January 2015

I can't remember where, but I recently read an article about a study that found that if a couple is trying to lose weight together, it actually goes worse for both than if we all just do our own thing. Because exactly this happens.

One person experiences a taste of success, one person gets grumpy, neither can completely agree on the best course of action, etc etc etc.

My mom's philosophy on dinner was that if you didn't like what she cooked, you need to cook dinner.

GL! And congrats on the first 30 lbs!!! That's awesome!

kmomac · January 2015

I want to echo the Skinnytaste rec! My FI and I love the 3 Bean Turkey Chili. We don't even make beef chili anymore. I also sub turkey in for ground beef in a lot of our food, for example, tacos/taco salads.

NavyBlue143 · January 2015

I have a very similar problem with H. He constantly complains he's overweight, but won't exercise. He also has had back and knee surgeries, and his doctors have told him that he needs to build muscle in those areas if he wants to be pain free. He has the option of PT but won't pursue it. We were watching American Ninja warrior the other day and two guys had similar issues that H has, and were running one of the world's toughest obstacle courses pain free because they built up muscle, and weren't on any pain medications either. H takes several Tramadol a day for his pain, and sometimes Hydrocodone as well. He shouldn't still have to years after his surgeries. But the extra weight and lack of activity cause him to be in pain all the time. I don't expect he could be completely pain and medication free just because some people can, but he could certainly lessen both.

I used to ask him if he would go for a walk with me, go to the gym with me, we got a Wii fit and I was the only one who used it. He has a gym membership but uses it twice a year. He goes, wants to do it all in a day, and is in pain for a week afterwards and so gives up. I suggested he find a workout style he likes that he can do at home. I reminded him that the doctors said he needs to at least do yoga to stretch and strengthen his muscles. I never comment about his weight, just his pain management. Always an excuse or "I know" and nothing changes. He remains in pain. And it's starting to affect our marriage. We're in Ireland right now and he can barely walk around a few hours to sightsee. Back home I would love to go mountain climbing, white water rafting, kayaking, and can't because he isn't strong enough to do those activities without doing damage to himself. If it were genuinely beyond his control and this was the best he could ever be, that would be one thing. But that's not the case. He was healthy for awhile before the wedding and was in so much less pain and could do so much more. So I know his life could be better.

That's horribly long. All that to say, I sympathize. Ultimately I had to accept that I cannot make him take care of himself. I cannot force him to make his health and recovery a priority. I did however, tell him to stop complaining at me about how he looks and feels if he isn't willing to do something about it. Maybe that's harsh, but he's not willing to fix it, so I'm not willing to listen. I will encourage and cheer if he decides to try, but I'm not going to pity him for choosing to live in pain.

porkchops926 · January 2015

I'm sorry to hear that @NavyBlue143 it makes my issue seem insignificant in comparison but I can definitely understand the frustration. I think I'm in the exact same place, I can't force him to do anything.

He came home Fri night and all day yesterday and I had made a "reasonably" healthy meal (this was already in the works before the skinnytaste recommendation) and he ate it and said it was good. Then for dinner yesterday even though we had a ton of leftovers he goes and heats up a pepperoni and sausage oven pizza because he was "craving it". So ok, I say nothing and eat my lean porkchop and brussels sprouts. He then turns to me when we are watching Marco Polo on Netflix when this muscular dude is fighting and says "do I look close to that?" I didn't say anything. I'm not going to shine him on, and he's not fat so I'm not going to say "no babe you're not chiseled like that guy" either. I just pretended like I didn't hear.

hellosweetie1015 · January 2015

abbyj700 said:

decembergrl2014 said:

H and I are always trying to lose weight, and between the wedding and the holidays we've both put some on. If you and your FI prefer to make your own meals there is nothing wrong with that. This way you can stick to your goals, and he can eat what he wants. Although H cooks, I cook the majority of the time. I always use this website for cooking: www.skinnytaste.com H is hooked on it too. They have great recipes that are healthy and taste great. Right now I'm making soup with turkey meatballs, tortellini and spinach.

Ohhhhh that site makes me want to use my new mandolin to make zoodles....

FI seems to think it likely I'll kill myself somehow if I get a mandolin. I tried to buy one yesterday when I went and blew all my Christmas money in Bed Bath and Beyond, and he actually took it away from me and attempted to logic me out of wanting it. He's such a party pooper. :P

I am going to show him that page. He will let me buy a mandolin then. Right? Delicious looking zucchini noodles will sway him towards giving me a sharp, multi-bladed thing that he thinks may be too dangerous? That's how this works?

decembergrl2014 · January 2015

I personally hate mandolins. I sliced my thumb both times I used it and threw it out. I slice the old fashioned way. Luckily H likes to cook too, so he will help me slice.

Other than that I LOVE skinnytaste. It really has changed my life! :-)

FI Vent - we all know it needs to happen sometimes

Re: FI Vent - we all know it needs to happen sometimes

Choose Another Board

Search Boards