Money V. Gifts at a Destination wedding

Knottie60268391 · January 2015

Hey Knotties!

I have a question, and normally, my motto is "if you have to ask, then you already know the answer". But I have something to consider:

My man and I are having our wedding in Sacramento (his entire family lives there). Out of the 80 people we are inviting to the wedding, 67 are from his side living in the Sacramento area. We are currently living in Hawaii, but moving to DC at the end of February. We have been living together for awhile and have a well established home. I know that I can set up a registry, but problematically, if we set up a registry and people bring stuff to our wedding, we will be paying money that we don't really have to ship it all back to our place in DC. Over Christmas, we paid about $250 to send gifts back to Hawaii.

Don't get me wrong, I would be grateful to receive anything. However, we are on the tightest budget and I'm worried that we will end up leaving gifts in Sacramento because we can't spend money to get them back home.

What should I expect? I hear that people typically bring money anyway along with a gift, but I don't want to ask people for money. Is it best to express that we do not want gifts on the invitations or save the date cards? Thank you all!

lovegood90 · January 2015

The best way to express that you don't want physical gifts is to not register. You can't specifically ask for cash, though. If you don't have a registry people will get the hint. Everyone already knows cash is a good gift.

redoryx · January 2015

No, it is not appropriate to express you do not want gifts on the invitations or save the dates. That implies you are expecting/anticipating gifts, which nobody is required to give you.

Just don't register and if anyone asks tell them you haven't registered. They'll get the hint and most will bring money. If someone does bring a gift (because someone people like to do that) you'll have to ship it or, hopefully if they've included a receipt, you can return it to the store after the wedding and repurchase it at a store closer to you when you get back home.

aurianna · January 2015

redoryx said:

No, it is not appropriate to express you do not want gifts on the invitations or save the dates. That implies you are expecting/anticipating gifts, which nobody is required to give you.
Just don't register and if anyone asks tell them you haven't registered. They'll get the hint and most will bring money. If someone does bring a gift (because someone people like to do that) you'll have to ship it or, hopefully if they've included a receipt, you can return it to the store after the wedding and repurchase it at a store closer to you when you get back home.

I was going to suggest this as well.

But still, having to ship a gift will likely still cost less than it would have to buy the item completely yourself. So you're still coming out ahead regardless.

thisismynickname2 · January 2015

Knottie60268391 said: Hey Knotties!I have a question, and normally, my motto is "if you have to ask, then you already know the answer". But I have something to consider: My man and I are having our wedding in Sacramento (his entire family lives there). Out of the 80 people we are inviting to the wedding, 67 are from his side living in the Sacramento area. We are currently living in Hawaii, but moving to DC at the end of February. We have been living together for awhile and have a well established home. I know that I can set up a registry, but problematically, if we set up a registry and people bring stuff to our wedding, we will be paying money that we don't really have to ship it all back to our place in DC. Over Christmas, we paid about $250 to send gifts back to Hawaii. Don't get me wrong, I would be grateful to receive anything. However, we are on the tightest budget and I'm worried that we will end up leaving gifts in Sacramento because we can't spend money to get them back home.What should I expect? I hear that people typically bring money anyway along with a gift, but I don't want to ask people for money. Is it best to express that we do not want gifts on the invitations or save the date cards? Thank you all! ----------------------------------------- Boxes?? To the bolded: do your guests know this? It sounds like a smaller and more intimate wedding, so I hope they would. In addition to what others have said, frankly, if I was attending a wedding that was a destination for the happy couple, I'd know shipping gifts was a pain in the ass and would just give you cash.

Even if you did register, I'd ship the gift to the address on the registry.

Let's hope your guests have the good sense to not bring boxed gifts to your wedding. If I were you, I'd bring an empty large suitcase just in case.

southernbelle0915 · January 2015

You can't specifically ask for cash. And you shouldn't put anything about gifts on your save the dates or invites.

So the best solution is not to register. People will ask about what you want or where you're registered. Just say, "oh, we aren't registered anywhere. We are saving up for a new car/a trip/XYZ." What you shouldn't say is "please give us money because we don't want to pay to ship your gift back to DC."

Cookie Pusher · January 2015

Agree with PPs that the easiest solution is not to register. If asked specifically, you can say that you're saving up for XYZ, but I felt kind of weird saying that for my wedding because we weren't actively saving for anything at the time. We simply did not register and did not receive a single boxed gift - everything was cash, checks, or gift cards.

lyndausvi · January 2015

I lived an airplane ride from our wedding. For the shower we got all gifts. Which is the whole point of a shower. I returned some items and re-bought the items to be shipped home directly from the store. That way if anything broke it was on them, not me. The other gifts I flew home either in a separate suitcase or via USPS. ETA - I lived on an island so no big box stores. In your case you could return for a GC and just go to the store at home to repurchase the item.

For the wedding we got 95% cash/checks. The rest were gifts that we shipped home.

Every social circle is different, but in our world you tend to get gifts for showers, money for weddings without having to tell anyone. The fact that your wedding is OOT for you, I think most people will be smart enough to either gift you money or ship the gifts to you directly. The few that brings gifts you will just have to ship them home.

MandyMost · January 2015

Do people really bring boxed gifts to a wedding? We didn't get a single boxed gift at the wedding. Although, the groom's family did bring some boxed gifts that they left at our house the day before the wedding--not sure if that counts. We got probably 60% cash/checks at the wedding, 25% boxed gifts sent to our home before or immediately after the wedding, and 15% no gifts (maybe they're still planning on sending something, the wedding was just in November). Why not just wait until after you move to DC and have that address listed on the Registry?

And of course you shouldn't have a shower if you don't want physical boxed gifts in the location of the shower.

WhatawagSBNy · January 2015

If your registry shipping address is DC, and your future in-laws pass the word that you would only be in town briefly for the wedding itself, they are even shipping their own gifts to DC, most people will take the hint. When you move to DC make sure to send out printed announcements of your change of address. People who have a card in hand of your correct newest address in hand when they shop - which often is off registry if they find something you registered for cheaper elsewhere - are less likely to bring that gift in hand to the wedding.

Also have the RSVP address be your DC address.
Some people still send gifts or bring them to the parents home local to the wedding, a holdover from brides' families hosting and sending gifts to her family home.
For the rest, you will need to spend some gift cash to ship other gifts. Or his parents will magnanimously offer to ship them.

JellyBean52513 · January 2015

I have a follow-up question: Would it be impolite to tell people "We aren't registered, there really isn't anything we want or need and since we're in the middle of a big move, we aren't looking to add to our load of household items" as opposed to "We aren't registered, we're focusing on saving up for X/Y/Z"?

I only ask because, like PP, it's lying to say you're saving up and I personally wouldn't be offended by someone telling me honestly that receiving gifts right now would be a total pain in the ass. In fact, it would help guide me directly to a card with cash, check, or a gift card inside. Just curious to hear thoughts.

mlg78 · January 2015

MandyMost said:

Do people really bring boxed gifts to a wedding? We didn't get a single boxed gift at the wedding. Although, the groom's family did bring some boxed gifts that they left at our house the day before the wedding--not sure if that counts. We got probably 60% cash/checks at the wedding, 25% boxed gifts sent to our home before or immediately after the wedding, and 15% no gifts (maybe they're still planning on sending something, the wedding was just in November). Why not just wait until after you move to DC and have that address listed on the Registry?

And of course you shouldn't have a shower if you don't want physical boxed gifts in the location of the shower.

Absolutely. It took us at least an hour and a half the morning after the wedding to open up all of our boxed gifts...there were a lot. When I go to a wedding I tend to take a nicer gift from the registry. My mom never gives cash either.

Liatris2010 · January 2015

MandyMost said:
Do people really bring boxed gifts to a wedding? We didn't get a single boxed gift at the wedding. Although, the groom's family did bring some boxed gifts that they left at our house the day before the wedding--not sure if that counts. We got probably 60% cash/checks at the wedding, 25% boxed gifts sent to our home before or immediately after the wedding, and 15% no gifts (maybe they're still planning on sending something, the wedding was just in November). Why not just wait until after you move to DC and have that address listed on the Registry?

And of course you shouldn't have a shower if you don't want physical boxed gifts in the location of the shower.

People do, but it is considered poor form.

mlg78 · January 2015

Liatris2010 said:

Do people really bring boxed gifts to a wedding? We didn't get a single boxed gift at the wedding. Although, the groom's family did bring some boxed gifts that they left at our house the day before the wedding--not sure if that counts. We got probably 60% cash/checks at the wedding, 25% boxed gifts sent to our home before or immediately after the wedding, and 15% no gifts (maybe they're still planning on sending something, the wedding was just in November). Why not just wait until after you move to DC and have that address listed on the Registry?

And of course you shouldn't have a shower if you don't want physical boxed gifts in the location of the shower.
People do, but it is considered poor form.

I don't think it's poor form at all. Gift giving tends to be a regional thing. Midwesterners tend to give physical gifts more than other areas.

AddieCake · January 2015

There have always been boxed gifts at all the weddings I've been to, including mine. Not a single gift was sent directly to our home.

NYCMercedes · January 2015

JellyBean52513 said:

I have a follow-up question: Would it be impolite to tell people "We aren't registered, there really isn't anything we want or need and since we're in the middle of a big move, we aren't looking to add to our load of household items" as opposed to "We aren't registered, we're focusing on saving up for X/Y/Z"?

I only ask because, like PP, it's lying to say you're saving up and I personally wouldn't be offended by someone telling me honestly that receiving gifts right now would be a total pain in the ass. In fact, it would help guide me directly to a card with cash, check, or a gift card inside. Just curious to hear thoughts.

Fine. Don't register. If they press, explain your travels.

LadyMillil · January 2015

I was in a similar situation - living a plane ride away from where we got married. I was able set up my registry with the option for guests to purchase the gift at their local store and have the gift picked up at my local store. There were no shipping or delivery fees. Everybody who got us a registry gift chose this option because they knew we'd have to fly back with the gifts. I didn't have a shower.

Knottie60268391 · January 2015

Thank you all for the thoughts! I appreciate all of them!

I figured that not providing a registry would be best. I've seen on some people's invitations they put "no gifts, please" and the way it comes across is, like others have said, "poor form."

I agree, but there is no nice way to say that we don't really need anything. And I'm sure there is stuff we could use, but we recently merged our two homes, and are in the middle of big move. But thankfully, military PCS will probably break everything, anyway. So a shower might not be a bad idea.

I wasn't planning on having a bridal shower, because as of right now, I have no friends in DC, and I don't want anyone to have to fly out as its a burden, and we won't have enough time to do it in Sacramento. I think the best way is to maybe register at Amazon (can you do that??) and leave the shipping address as the address from DC. I'm so grateful for any gift I receive, so hopefully shipping won't be too much. Extra suitcase is a great idea. Thank you friends!!!

antibride2013 · January 2015

If you honestly don't need anything why are you so worried about this? Don't register, and if anyone asks just say "we don't need anything, just you being at the wedding is perfect!!" I didn't want gifts, didn't have a registry, had it spread word of mouth that any gifts we did recieve would be donated to the Hope Lodge. Worked beautifully. Didn't get a single gift, and got the most beautiful cards I have to say I have ever seen.

WhatawagSBNy · January 2015

Mig78 I don't think it's poor form at all. Gift giving tends to be a regional thing. Midwesterners tend to give physical gifts more than other areas
*************************

In much of rural New England this is true too. Showers are smaller, 2 or 3 small showers totaling 50 people may not turn up even 10 registry gifts , all others being chosen by guests.
Wedding gifts more often come from a registry, but physical gifts not money or gift cards are much more common ( except for money from some older relatives.)

lovegood90 · January 2015

Knottie60268391 said:

Thank you all for the thoughts! I appreciate all of them!
I figured that not providing a registry would be best. I've seen on some people's invitations they put "no gifts, please" and the way it comes across is, like others have said, "poor form."
I agree, but there is no nice way to say that we don't really need anything. And I'm sure there is stuff we could use, but we recently merged our two homes, and are in the middle of big move. But thankfully, military PCS will probably break everything, anyway. So a shower might not be a bad idea.
I wasn't planning on having a bridal shower, because as of right now, I have no friends in DC, and I don't want anyone to have to fly out as its a burden, and we won't have enough time to do it in Sacramento. I think the best way is to maybe register at Amazon (can you do that??) and leave the shipping address as the address from DC. I'm so grateful for any gift I receive, so hopefully shipping won't be too much. Extra suitcase is a great idea. Thank you friends!!!

But why bother having a bridal shower if you said you don't need anything?

Knottie60268391 · January 2015

Just said I wasn't planning on having one. ^^ I think you misinterpreted.

lovegood90 · January 2015

Knottie60268391 said:

Just said I wasn't planning on having one. ^^ I think you misinterpreted.

Oh sorry, I thought you were because you said "a shower might not be a bad idea" but then missed the part later where you said you weren't, haha.

Knottie60268391 · January 2015

I don't think there is anything snotty about not registering. I don't demand that people brings me gifts, and frankly, I don't want people to feel obligated to bring something. I want them to just bring themselves and have a good time. I wasn't going to have a bridal shower-- apart from not wanting gifts, we live too far away and to have to travel to and from places, or ask people to come out is a burden on everyone. My only two friends that are going are living in Washington and Louisiana. I only have about 10 people from my circle of family that I can invite, and most of those are plus ones. A shower would just be silly.

Even if I said "we aren't registered because we are saving up for XYZ" I would have a difficult time coming up with an XYZ, and it just makes me feel like people read way into bringing gifts to a wedding. It makes sense, that traditionally, you get married and then move in together, essentially combining both households. If we got married 8 years ago, getting kitchen appliances would have been great. But as it stands right now, I have 37 forks. That's not a hyperbole. When we moved in together, we had so much extra stuff that it went to goodwill. I just don't see the need to even insist that my guests bring gifts because its not a focus for me. I just want them to have a good time.

Knottie60268391 · January 2015

All good! Typing in flurries and I swear, I was proposed to like, eight minutes ago and my dad is already fighting with me about walking me down the aisle, what my sisters involvement is, how its going to be too hot... kill me now.

MandyMost · January 2015

JellyBean52513 said:

I have a follow-up question: Would it be impolite to tell people "We aren't registered, there really isn't anything we want or need and since we're in the middle of a big move, we aren't looking to add to our load of household items" as opposed to "We aren't registered, we're focusing on saving up for X/Y/Z"?

I only ask because, like PP, it's lying to say you're saving up and I personally wouldn't be offended by someone telling me honestly that receiving gifts right now would be a total pain in the ass. In fact, it would help guide me directly to a card with cash, check, or a gift card inside. Just curious to hear thoughts.

I really don't think it's lying, personally. Just because you're not regularly putting money aside for something yourself, isn't there usually something you would do if you just came into some money? That's how I take these statements when people say they're "Saving up for a new house" or whatever. You could easily say that "We have no idea what we'll need in the new place until after we get settled in". It's just polite, I feel, to give people a general idea of what you'd do with any money they gave you. They know what you'll do with some pots and pans or crystal glassware. People want to know the money, in theory, will be going towards something for your life together as a new married couple, and you won't just be buying shoes. ;-)

Knottie60268391 · January 2015

So, the moving thing might be misleading. We are moving at the end of February, and we are buying a house. We already live in a house that has been completely outfitted. Both of us came from a perspective that if we want something, we will go buy it. As such, we already have everything we could possibly need, and I wouldn't want people buying us stuff that we already have because it would be wasting their money. The only thing we are saving up money for is the wedding and subsequent honeymoon, set to take place Summer 2016, honeymoon to follow when it's cheaper to fly to Paris. But essentially, we have what we need/use. My dad was asking me about what we would even put on a registry, and the only thing I could come up with is a stand-up mixer.

I feel like no matter what I say, it will be misconstrued. We aren't rich by any means, but we have always budgeted well, and we live inside our means. But those means include our ability to buy all of our kitchen appliances and all of the other stuff that seems to be given as gifts at wedding.

Historically, wasn't the purpose of giving gifts at a wedding because the bride and groom are essentially starting a new life together and (again, historically) moving in together and starting a brand new home? We already started that home, merged our lives, and a wedding shower/gift registry doesn't seem compatible to our situation. I feel like I should just forego the whole idea of setting up a registry. But if we don't have a registry then everyone will ask and I don't know what to tell them!! The worst catch 22. And I sound stupid and snobby even posing the question because its a stupid and snobby question in the first place.

I have no idea how to do this modestly.

Viczaesar · January 2015

Just tell them that you don't need anything and that you're just excited to see them and celebrate with them. You're over thinking this.

Money V. Gifts at a Destination wedding

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